Perfectionism

We've heard this term before: "I'm a perfectionist." What does it look like, and what are potential consequences for having such tendencies? A child can experience perfectionism differently from an artist, or a professional who requires precision to detail. Context matters, and yet, there are some similarities that connect those who suffer from or excel due to perfectionism. Here are some possible views on being perfect:

The Perfect Child

There may be circumstances that guide children to become focused on being perfect. There might be chaos in the family, which sometimes makes children feel burdened with the responsibility to be perfect. No one tells children these things, but they pick up roles to somehow maintain a balance when things aren't always so calm. Sometimes parents ask their children to be perfect. Perfectionism affects their homework, attempts at new things, fears of making mistakes, and redoing things over and over again. 

This need to be perfect creates a world view that love is conditional; a child's self-worth is paired with being imperfect, which is impossible, so their perceptions of self may be poor. 

Children who are perfectionist may also learn to excel very early in life. They may be hypervigilant, and learn how to use this as a gift to read others well, get along with their peers, while excelling in academics. 

The Beautiful Person

"What a pretty princess!" "You're so beautiful!" These are wonderful praises, in small doses, and in ratio to praises on other intangible aspects of a human being. When certain people are praised only for their appearances, they may conclude that their only worth as a person is their appearance. (This is not a bad thing, but it can limit possible choices of being for an entire lifetime). Pretty people can be smart, smart people can be gorgeous. Focusing on physical appearance may create anxieties and perceptions on self worth. 

Seeking perfection with appearance may correlate with eating disorders, or a distorted perception of one's body. This can lead to a hyperfixation with appearance, beauty, and minute "flaws" in one's body. These messages of self worth and beauty can repeat over and over again in one's thoughts. 

Beautiful people may also learn to utilize their appearance for benefits. Many young people pay their ways through college by modeling. They may also adapt to social expectations without feeling judged; they've developed a thicker skin because of all the messages over a lifetime. Many beautiful people may also use their appearance to establish celebrity, which in turn is used to speak on the behalf of others. 

The Promising Intellectual

When gifted individuals are constantly being told they are more intelligent than their peers, and they are going to make huge contributions to society, it can be a huge burden. It may feel overwhelming to be given this responsibility, especially at a young age. There may be hundreds or thousands of ideas, but perfection can easily stop the process of trying or creation. Personal expectations to succeed are so high that it self sabotages an individual's abilities to perform. They are frozen with fear. This may be why there are stereotypes that geniuses are lazy. They would rather not try so they don't fail.

Many gifted and talented people may question their abilities, and feel like imposters who cannot live up to their unrealistic expectations. It can be a lonely life being trapped within one's perfection. 

Some intellectuals may be encouraged by their perfectionism to create something that will change this world. We have young inventors helping those across the planet with tinkerings and ideas made in the kitchen, or collaborations with other gifted thinkers. Their expectations to do well inspired them to do more with their gifts. 

The Tortured Artist

Artists are their own worst critics. They can hear praises and receive accolades for their work, and yet, feel inferior. They never feel good enough. A common saying among artists is, "An art work is never complete." It's a process. This can sometimes be seen as a means to avoid commitment or finality, because if there are "flaws" or "mistakes," artists can say that the work isn't finished. 

This compulsion to be perfect can create a fear of being criticised, where many artists won't show their work. These gifts are hidden away, because they are deemed inferior, and unworthy of public attention. 

Many artists use their vulnerabilities, and individual processes with perfection to create work that connects with other artists and their viewer. Part of their healing processes, or artistic development can involve creating work or performing with "flaws" or "imperfect" materials, and displaying the rawness of themselves that can be so humbling, calming, invigorating, healing, or inspiring. 

The SuperParent

There are schedules, and lists, and dates. For everything. The house is overflowing with laundry and dishes, and yet things are working. There is a flow. There's homework, and play dates, lessons, and tests to study for. Grocery shopping, managing bills, and handling the emotional conflicts within the home are their own epic battles. Within this, there are moments to breathe, and sometimes you can eat slowly and enjoy your meal. 

Having a home to manage and family to care for may lead to comparisons and shame. Parent shaming is a big deal, and even the best of us may feel like we're not doing enough for our family. This can make parents neglect their own needs to put their families first. It can lead to a burnout. 

Being a Super Parent can also drive a person to be the parent they didn't have growing up. A person can reflect on what was missing, and offer nurturing, discipline (instead of punishment), acceptance, and care to their children in the present.     

The Professional

It's a lot of pressure being a professional, and being responsible for the welfare of others. It's taken a long time to get here: lots of education, training, and hours of sleepless nights trying to get material ready for the next day. Some *cough* of us become burdened with feeling responsible for the outcomes of the entire team, or rushing to save others who aren't as prepared. We can start comparing ourselves with the accomplishments of others, and feel inferior when things aren't completed as well as planned. 

Professionals may feel judged or criticize themselves for not doing as well as their colleagues. It can lead to starting lots of projects, and rarely completing them. The stress created by perfectionist goals can limit quality of life where the focus is on success and recognition at work. Relationships may be ignored, or suffer because of similar, and unattainable high expectations.

Perfection at work can also guide a person to hustle where they won't need to work as hard in the future. There are consequences and timeframes that are considered when making decisions as important as how much time and energy to commit to work, 

Yes, there are other roles that can be affected by perfectionism. The underlying traits are high expectations, anxiety or stress, and poor self-worth that is based on external things instead of internal things. Some with perfectionist tendencies may have a harder time connecting with others because of fear of judgement, or not ever feeling "good enough." 

So, what do you do with perfection? 

Slowly, this process of self acceptance heals what perfection damages. Again, perfection isn't entirely bad for those who can channel it well. For the rest of us, it can be difficult. And this process sometimes removes a barrier that others sometimes perceive as confidence and control. Sometimes perfection taps into the insecurities of others, so it keeps them away from us. It can make it isolating and appear like competition is the only thing we have to offer others. Acceptance of oneself can heal.

Acceptance that you are worthy just as you are will allow perfection to release its power over you. 

Being vulnerable with safe people can help start this process. Allowing imperfections to take place in minor parts of your life can help.

• If your writing isn't perfect, send the letter anyways.
• If your eyeliner is slightly off, and only you will notice, leave it alone. 
• The fruit you cut, or that sandwich isn't even on both sides. See if you can let it be.
• The house isn't dusted entirely, and you only had time to clean part of the bathroom. Take a deep breath. 
• There are some books or cups left on the table. Your house looks like someone lives in it. 
• Dinner was off schedule by five minutes. You are still worthy, and you're feeding people to keep them alive. You are a hero.
• What about things like being compared to others, not getting the position, or disappointing yourself and others? Talking to a good-fit therapist can help. There are some things that take so much energy to do alone. It can be lonely struggling alone, too. If and when you're ready, finding a therapist can help with increasing self acceptance, and reducing some perfection in your life. 

Trauma: The Silent Partner in Addiction (talk by Gina Tabrizy, LMFT)

I attended an amazing luncheon with OCCAMFT (Orange County California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists) today. I am in my journey as a prelicensed therapist, and along with all therapists, welcome growth, new perspectives and insights into the art of healing. Sometimes this information comes in the form of reading, self discovery, or workshops. The goal is to continually learn, and to continually shape this craft that is a lifelong endeavor. 

Our speaker was Gina Tabrizy, MS, LMFT, and she was described as a dynamo and brilliant clinician. I agree. Her authenticity radiated throughout the talk, and there are some things I took home to share with you. Her work with addiction and professional healing for the past 27 years spoke to me. Talking about trauma is never easy, but it is necessary as a human being. It can be an uncomfortable place for therapists themselves, and I welcome the open discussion to practice self care while being present with a client's trauma. 

Here are some treats I took with me:

Trauma happens when we experience "anything less than nurturing." Pia Mellody

What does this mean, exactly? Sometimes the term trauma is associated with major life events, like witnessing death or violence, accidents, or things that threaten a person's sense of safety. Other times, it can be accumulations of small, yet important things, that chip away at a person (microaggressions), or witnessing others' trauma. 

The trauma may not have happened directly to you, and yet, you feel the pain in your body. You feel the discomfort, and you feel the churning in your stomach. This may be attributed to having loved ones who've experienced trauma, or being a professional healer working with clients and their trauma. 

Your life may seem perfect, or seem like there were no traumas, but according to Mellody, merely having one's basic needs met is not enough. We need connection, we need intangible things to feel loved and wanted. Sometimes we are not offered these intangible things growing up, and this can also cause trauma. Something was missing. A therapist may explore these circumstances to rule out trauma. 

"Unprocessed trauma is a great trigger for relapse." Gina Tabrizy, MS, LMFT

I relapsed with gaming in my 20s. There were unaddressed traumas and wounds to heal. I agree with Tabrizy and her insights to pair addictions with trauma. It is an attempt to numb the pain, and to find some way to cope in this chaotic world. Repetitions and compulsions to occupy our minds and bodies--addicts will do this to avoid pain, and I empathize with this wretched process. It is not fair, and it is not easy. It feels like hell; it feels like a shameful prison.  

So, as clinicians, it is important for us to explore things that may appear like depression, anxiety, or addiction. There may be underlying trauma, and therapists must check in with our own internal processes. It is our duty to do no harm in practice. When a client has a trauma that might trigger some issues with a therapist, it can be part of the process to refer out while working on these issues, and then working together after. Therapists came into the field for their own reasons, and some of those reasons may be because we've worked through similar things. If a client's story is too close to home, a therapist may refer out to ensure the best care for their client. Referring out does not mean a therapist isn't competent. It may mean that they honor a client's experiences, and at the time, may not be a best match because of very human things a therapist needs to work on. 

A therapist's duty is to do no harm. We took an oath to serve our communities, and sometimes the best way to do no harm is to refer to another therapist.

Trauma teaches us to be comfortable with pain. Love is uncomfortable.

There are so many of us willing to be loved in a way that we wouldn't allow our closest friends to endure. Yet, we do. We believe we are unworthy of anything better, and when goodness enters our lives, we find a way to sabotage, push it away, or isolate ourselves. It's a difficult cycle to get out of. Our earliest models of love tend to affect our relationship choices, yet it's not something we're aware of. It just happens.

What do some of us do instead of embrace love? We find something else to fill the emptiness, something to numb the pain. Some of us become addicts, and the behaviors or substances can range from shopping, work, fishing, gaming, drugs, sex, to working out, binge eating, or restricting (there are more). The addictions worsen when there seems to be no way out. Relapse can occur when uncomfortable emotions or things related to traumas surface. 

What Can Be Done When You've Experienced Trauma/Addiction and are Ready for Therapy

• Find a therapist who is trained in EMDR, or a therapist who can work with another EMDR therapist conjointly.

• Connect with a therapist who practices some type of movement or artistic interventions (psychodrama, expressive arts...) and is trained to work with trauma.

• Honor your trauma by acknowledging its impact on your life. A therapist can help you sort through this.

• Give yourself permission to shop around for a good-fit therapist. It is an intimate professional relationship, and will take time to unravel the layers of your trauma towards healing.

• Forgive yourself for relapsing. It is a very human thing to do. The want to numb is powerful.

• Give yourself permission to speak on your trauma when you feel safe to do so. Do not feel rushed to please any therapist.

• If there is current substance abuse, outpatient treatment or detox may be an essential first step in healing.

• Slowly believe that reaching out for help is a sign of strength, and that you are worthy of a good life. You are worthy of love. A therapist can also help with this.

Gina Tabrizy, MS, LMFT is the executive clinical director at Harmony Heals, a holistic counseling center in Laguna Hills, CA. They offer treatment for individuals, couples, family, groups, and customized IOP related to recovery, trauma, addictions, and mental health. Their contact is (949)837-2751 or (877)HELP115 | info@harmonyheals.com

Pokémon Go - Safety Tips and General Playing

Pokemon Go is a free augmented reality (AR) mobile game released this week. It is currently in beta version, so there are kinks to work out. The data generated by users will definitely help developers guide the evolution of this game. There are plenty of sites devoted to the ins and outs of playing, so the focus of this writing is safety and general observations related to playing pokemon go.

Be Mindful of Your Surroundings.

When you open the game, this is your first message. From playing and watching others, here are some things to consider:

Stopping While Walking

In public, and crowded spaces, stopping unexpectedly can make people bump into each other. It may not be a big deal to some, but it might upset others and cause trouble.

Objects, and Tripping

Watch where you’re walking. Some gamers walked into walls, each other, or missed a step on a flight of stairs while walking. Two players have already walked off cliffs catching Pokemon. Please be mindful of where you are walking. 

Crowding in Areas

This might also lead to pushing. This game is meant to be fun, and some gamers are more serious than others when it comes to catching pokemon.

300 Yard Radius

When you’re tracking a pokemon, you may potentially wander from your group. Let friends know before wandering off, and identify a meet up spot when you do get split up.

 Private Property

Sometimes there will be pokemon in areas you cannot reach. Please think about boundaries and respecting the space of others.

Respecting Small, Quiet Communities

There are already locations being swamped by players hoping to catch rare Pokemon. This is changing and disturbing the quality of life for those who moved away from the big city for a quieter life. Please find another location to hunt Pokemon, and petition to have pokestops and gyms in areas that can handle larger numbers of people. 

Trash and the Environment

The sudden influx of people into many cities will lead to noise pollution and trash. It will happen. Please represent the gamer community well by doing your part to clean up after yourself, and leaving a space the way you found it, or even better. 

Pokemon in the Street

This is a beta version, so there are kinks to work out. I’ve seen pokemon in the street, and people walking into traffic to get their pokemon. Wait. It’s not worth getting hurt, or hurting others. 

 Driving While Playing

Please do NOT do this. People have a hard enough time driving without checking their texts. This is a potentially huge safety concern, and it can lead to more accidents and untimely deaths. (This is not the same as having a passenger play while you drive.) A player crashed his car trying to catch a Pokemon while driving. DON'T DRIVE & PLAY. 

 Well-known Public Spaces

Malls, downtown areas, and universities are busy areas that tend to have lots of pokestops and gyms. Walking in the middle-of-nowhere can be a safety concern, and it may not be as fun as meeting other players in public spaces. 

 Working and Playing

It depends on how flexible one’s work environment is, but losing a job over catching a pokemon, or accidentally taking a photo of confidential information is a huge risk. Pokemon GO player almost loses job

The Camera When Snapping Photos 

Some people may not want their photos taken and plastered on the internet with pokemon on them. Be mindful of offering this respect.

Children & Searching for Pokemon 

It can be easy for enthusiastic younger pokemon trainers to run off when they’re tracking. It can also be easy to talk to younger gamers because of this connection. It will be important for parents and community members to talk to, and keep an eye out for the safety of little ones.

This meme is a joke, but it raises a very real concern about the safety of children when playing. 

Safety & General Playing:

• Wear comfortable shoes, socks, and clothes. You will be traveling for a while. Your body may be sore from this new level of activity.
• Rest often, and drink water. Lots of us get carried away when gaming. There have been stories when gamers exhausted themselves to death, or they got really ill from playing too much without self care. Drink water, take breaks. The pokemon will be there another time. Your health and wellness is important.
• Bring a charger, and map out rest stops. Some places will have outlets and quiet spaces for you to rest in between catching pokemon or battling in gyms. As any athlete will tell you, rest and nutrition are as important as training. Familiarize yourself with each area you travel to, and note resting places.
• Safety in numbers: It’s safer with a group. Keep an eye out for each other, and have meeting spots and times if and when the group gets separated.

courtesy of legit lady gamers community united fb group <3 

• Scout your area before settling down to explore. Drive around, check with other players, or walk around before playing. Look for the pokestops and see if there are people lurking nearby. Trust your gut, and walk away if things don't feel right. 
•  Sportsmanship: This is a game. Some of us may take this game more seriously or personally than others. Please consider how others may feel when they lose or do not catch a really rare pokemon when you do.
• Turning off AR: This may help with extending the life of your battery.
• Check your data usage before, during, and after playing. This will help see if you will overuse data. 
• Look for public spaces with free WiFi. Malls might have free WiFi while you play.
• Battery-saving mode: Turn your phone upside down for this feature to work. It will dim your screen while in this position.
• Share the love: This is a game for people of all ages; new pokemon players, and well as those who’ve grown up with the cards, cartoons, and games. Encourage each other, and share the joys of success. This world has enough negativity in it. This game can bring people together (even when we’re on different teams).

So far, it seems these are the classifications of pokemon from how common to rare they are to find. Have fun catching all those Rattatas and Pidgeys! :P Some Pokemon GO Gameplay Tips | BuzzFeed

Online Relationships are Real

I had a wonderful conversation with a young man about the realness of online relationships. He recently ended a LDR (long distance relationship) with a young lady he'd never met. We touched upon many things related to internet culture and relationships, one of which, was the validity of online dating. 

Is it a real relationship if we never "meet" or never touch each other?

With half my life with the internet, and meeting many of my friends through AIM, World of Warcraft, and Facebook groups, I would say that yes, online relationships are very real. Mike Langlois, the Gamer Therapist, wrote about how dopamine, a neurotransmitter, is released while playing games. If you meet someone online and develop romantic feelings for them while playing online together, those same chemicals are released. 

It makes sense, though. Have you ever seen a gamer rage quit or have nerd rage? If you can get angry at someone while playing games with them, or interacting online, why would it be difficult to believe you can fall in love with someone using the same medium?

Studies have shown that oxytocin, the love drug, is usually released during physical contact. This is why connection is so important. Hugs and gentle touches can release oxytocin and make us feel contentment, and bonded with others. Online interactions in social media and playing games with strong narratives have also been found to release oxytocin as well!

Lots of people meet through online dating sites to weed out mismatches, and initially chat with someone before meeting in person. This can help make dating more efficient, as well as allow those with social anxiety a slower pace to warm up to others. 

With dating sites, and massive online games for people to meet, play together, and potentially fall in love, what makes strictly online dating so different? 

• It can feel stigmatizing not to find a physically present partner. Family and friends can make fun of you, or simply not understand how intense and real these emotions are. There can also be pressure to be with someone else.

• It can be confusing what defines intimacy. Each relationship is unique with differing levels and need for physical contact. When you find someone who gets you, and makes you feel safe to be vulnerable, sometimes the lack in physical contact is worth the risk.

• Online sex, sexting, or phone sex. More people are participating in online sexual acts. Sometimes it can be a barrier or uncomfortable for people to accept that is can be a main intimacy people share in a romantic relationship. Some choose not to have any type of sex, and still have a strong connection together online.

• Being vulnerable through words. This culture is very visual. It can be difficult to see something that isn't obvious. When many people think of romantic relationships, they think of holding hands, hugging, kissing, and a physical person. Text can be the most honest way of connection for many people. Some of us stumble when we speak, some of us freeze, and compose amazing responses when the moment is over. Having time to pause and think allows more of us to express ourselves more genuinely.

• Having a screen in between you and another person can reduce inhibitions to be more authentic. This can go the other way, of course (trolls), and in terms of romantic relationships online, having a screen as a conduit can help couples communicate more honestly about conflict and concerns.

• Catfishing. It's very common for people to lure lonely people into relationships. There is a genuine concern for those who date someone with an avatar, like in online games. You may or may not be dating who you think you are. Part of this interaction involves risk, and being vulnerable. (I will write more on this in a later post)

Despite all these differences, online connections can be rewarding and fulfilling. 

• Emotional support can manifest in different ways. Having someone online offer a virtual hug, compliment, or words of wisdom can mean so much to someone. This is partly why there are so many online groups and forums.

• Clarity in communication. Lots of us born with the internet are sponges for information. It's very normal to refer to google or an article we recently read while conversing with others. Having access to websites and being able to share them immediately, can help some of us explain our thoughts or feelings more clearly.

• Mutual interests. If you met your significant other, or friend in an online group or online game, it is very likely that you both have endless conversations on the original topics that drew you together. With the MBTI and gaming groups I've belonged to, there is this history of a culture and inside jokes we can always refer to to strengthen our connection.

• Constant connection. Having your smart phone or being online can feel like this person is always with you. It can be very isolating not having a friend or loved one around, but some of us can feel warm and loved knowing they are a text away.

• Special bond. Sometimes the distance can make the relationship even stronger. Perhaps in your immediate community, there aren't potential matches. It can be romantic and idealist to find someone hundreds or thousands of miles away, and somehow the internet made it possible for you to be together. This can many times, encourage you to accept the distance while building on mutual dreams to meet in the future.

• Love is worth the (calculated) risk. Sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with. Sometimes it just happens, and sometimes it's magical. Other times, it's a painful series of events that you wish never occurred. It's these joys where we are able to acknowledge how necessary pain is to appreciate the nuances life can offer. Online relationships can give us the entire emotional spectrum.

LOOK AT THIS: Artist Illustrates Her Long Distance Relationship Struggles & Joys | BoredPanda

On Being Quiet at Work or School

Thoughts Inspired by Introversion...

This weekend, I perused through Quiet Power by Susan Cain, and its content reminded me of a few things I've learned about being quiet, or being perceived as quiet by others: 

Being Quiet is Not a Weakness

The greater culture has many biases on extroversion and introversion. Many strengths (as well as traits associated with attention-seeking and vanity) are associated with extroversion, while being quiet or contemplative can be seen as unconfident, lazy, or arrogant. In terms of work performance, Introverts, or those who are more quiet, can be seen as:

• Underperforming: I worked at an agency where most people don't know what you're doing unless you tell them. This can be partly cultural, and gender conditioning, among a myriad of socializing agents. Introverts tend to process details and outcomes internally, so there isn't always a big show for others to see when they're working. The world can't see all your work because it's done behind the scenes. A potential problem with being an introvert at work or school is: You can be the best at your job, and no one will know because they never saw you, or heard from you. This can also lead coworkers to rate you as less friendly, which can affect future promotions or reviews. 
• How to remedy the stigma: "The squeaky wheel gets the oil." I did not understand the importance of sharing my accomplished tasks of the day with supervisors or colleagues until a former principal and former supervisor told me to. This inability to naturally speak on my work also comes from culture and gender roles, which I didn't know shaped some discomfort with speaking about myself. I thought a good deed and good work speaks for itself. Other people were getting accolades and promotions, when I was as good. The only difference was, I was not talking about it. Note: Sharing about your work is not bragging; it is sharing a joy in your accomplishments, and learning how to navigate an extrovert-biased world. Also, you don't have to go overboard and feel inauthentic about sharing about your day. Checking in with one sentence or two, "I completed x, y, and z today," can make a big difference in how others perceive you or your work ethic. 
• Teachers, Parents, & Peers: Ask introverts for feedback in smaller groups, or check-in to see how they're doing. Asking them questions and giving a moment of time to form a response can help reduce anxiety or feeling rushed to answer quickly. 

Introversion is Not Depression or Being Shy

• It's about energy. Although introverts can have depression, and can be shy, these terms are not interchangeable. Introversion is more about having a brain and nervous system that responds differently to stimulation. Introverts recharge and process more clearly in small group settings or in solitude, and extroverts tend to thrive in more stimulating environments (yes, extroverts need to recharge in solitude as well). Connection and dialogue matter to introverts, but the intensity and duration may or may not differ depending on the environment and topics being explored. 
• Processing Times & Speaking. Sometimes small talk is difficult for an introvert to participate in. It can be very draining, especially when topics with extroverts may change quickly. By the time the introvert has compiled a suitable response to the first topic or question, the extroverts have explored twenty other things, and the introvert can't keep up. This inability to keep up can sometimes make introverts appear depressed or shy for not participating in conversations when they were trying to keep up in the first place, and couldn't. 
• Check-in with your brain and body. Extroverts may not fully understand, but sharing how you are energized differently can start the process. Extrovert buddies still get energized by having people around; there does not need to be constant conversation to feel connected. Sitting in silence can be a compromise to explore, and if you need to be completely alone. At work, it may be important to learn a typical routine for getting overstimulated, so you can schedule appropriate breaks. 

Sharing Ideas as an Introvert

• Many times the loudest person in the room gets praised for having good ideas. They can be seen as daring, confident, and competent, while their quieter peers may be seen as the opposite. In group settings, it can sometimes feel like a free-for-all to blurt things out until a decision is made. Internal processors don't perform as well in this type of stimulation. Thoughts tend to formulate better in calmer spaces, with time to generate a complete thought. Extroverts think "out loud" so the ramblings, and mistakes are available for the world to see. This tendency to think out loud and make mistakes can be interpreted as being fearless, when it's simply a natural way of cognition for extroverts. 
• Pre-game for meetings or conversations. Jotting down ideas before meetings can help make sharing ideas easier. Meetings dominated by extroverts may make it difficult to pause and ask for an introvert's feedback. A sticky note, reviewing the night before, or checking in with team leaders can also promote the sharing of ideas in a way that is more comfortable for introverts.
• Bosses, Coworkers, and Team Leaders: Please ask quieter teammates what their ideas are. It can really help promote group cohesion, and give quieter teammates a chance to offer feedback. It might take a minute to form statements, but asking quieter teammates if they want to contribute can model an acceptance of difference within the entire team. 

What are some of your thoughts or observations on introversion? Share this post with others to help promote a better understanding of introverts <3 

Additional Reading:

• 4 types of Introverts | Introvert, Dear
• MBTI inventory | Humanmetrics
• How to Nurture the "Quiet Power" of Introverts | NPR
• 10 Awkward Moments Introverts Will Understand | Introvert Spring
• Top 100 Introvert Quotes | Introvert Spring
• The Power of Introverts | Susan Cain TED talk
• 5 Ways to Make Small Talk More Meaningful | Quiet Rev

Wondercon 2016

Link is playing video games at Wondercon 2016

I attended Wondercon this year on Sunday, and spent two of the six hours being lost, and searching for my party. So! What I learned from this visit was if I am going with a group who has a diverse range of interests, it's a good idea to plan times to meet up, instead of trying to follow each other around the entire time. It was packed. In a good way. 

Ghostbusters cosplay 

The age range was really nice to see. It's still family-oriented where children can see vendors and activities for them. 

Avatar Kyoshi cosplay

I admit that I giggled, and jumped up and down when I saw this Avatar cosplay. I love Avatar! 

Selfie with Avatar Kyoshi & me with tears of joy LOL

This was one of the cosplays that made my day! :) 

Easter cosplay for Joker and Harley Quinn

It's a wonderful sight to see little ones involved with cosplay culture, while their parents help ensure it's fun and appropriate. 

Black Cat and Spiderman Cosplay

The event lulled when it was time to get food. There were food trucks serving $20 meals, with a 45 minute wait to get your food. A recommendation is to bring your own food and drink when possible. Tickets to Wondercon are only $16 on Sunday. 

the Professor from Powerpuff Girls

I love seeing props like stuffed animals used in cosplay. It adds a little fun and imagination. 

Wonderwoman and (?)Black Widow Children's Cosplay

These girls were so smiley to have their photo taken (with parent's permission, of course). It's awesome to see girls empowered to be their favorite heroes here and potentially in the real world, too.

Bob's Burger's Cosplay

I had to chase her down a couple times, and she was super friendly with my asking to take her photo. 

Kingdom Hearts Cosplay

It's always a treat to see cosplay with weaponry. The craftsmanship is something I admire. 

Legend of Korra Cosplay

I am a huge Avatar fan, and and even huger water tribe fan! I was overwhelmed with joy to see people from "my tribe" LOL

Children cosplaying Loki and Spiderman

These kiddos also smiled so wide as I asked for their photo. The time taken to choose the costume, and find its elements probably contributed to some quality family time together. 

Travis Hanson, Children's book illustrator and author

Travis Hanson and I chatted about our processes with writing and illustrating. His words and journey are very inspiring. He is a very talented and humble person, and I wish him all the success in the world. 

Deadpool Cosplays

A part of cosplay (like Halloween) is giving adults permission to act silly and playfully. It's refreshing to see adults not be constricted by social definitions of what it is to be "an adult".

Unknown cosplay, really cool armor

I'm not sure what her cosplay is, but the weapon and armor are pretty darn neat.

Disney's Belle Princess Cosplay

At the end of the day, we all got together to walk across the street to our cars or taxis. Even Disney princesses needed to find their way home after a long day of magic and creativity. 

Gaming & Anger

Nerd Rage, Rage Quitting, and Angry Gamers

Nerd rage. Rage quitting.

If you have a gamer in your life, or are a gamer, you've most definitely come across game rage at least once. So, what exactly is it? The top definition on Urban Dictionary is: "to stop playing out of anger." There are additional components that make rage an appropriate word for this behavior. 

Sometimes the rage is accompanied with screaming, breaking things, physical aggression, and heightened emotionality. Losing not only once, but numerous times, being harassed online, or having difficulties with a game can lead to rage quitting.

Before some commentary on this behavior is shared, here is a video of what can commonly occur when a gamer experiences rage quitting. This is one of countless recordings available online. 

Now, this video was shared not to ridicule or shame gamers. It was shown to illustrate the seriousness of this problem. Around the world, there are millions of homes where gaming is part of everyday life. That means around the world, it can be fairly common to have a gamer get angry or a family member argue about bed times and spending time off the computer or console. This means that gaming and anger in the family is a normal thing, and yet games are being blamed. 

Is gaming really the problem?

Sometimes gaming is the problem. Sometimes it's part of the problem. Sometimes it's the solution for a chaotic life filled with problems. It really depends on context, and individual circumstances. In general, gaming can be the last part of the puzzle where a person who has limited coping skills finally has an outlet to channel anger and other strong emotions. In regards to many men and boys getting angry, there is something curious to consider:

Socially acceptable emotions for men and boys.

Expanding on traditional gender roles and emotional expression has changed within a generation. Even so, there are remnants of the "boys will be boys" and "boys don't cry" mentalities in the minds of many men and boys we know. Millennials, Gen Y, and Gen X gamers can come from a burdened culture where they are not allowed to express feminine emotions. This can be very draining, and misdirect every other emotion into anger. 

Underneath this rage that can "appropriately" be expressed from gaming and being competitive (because it's masculine and acceptable behavior) is lots of pain, unresolved losses, and vulnerability. Men and boys may be less likely to share directly about painful emotions unless it's a result of competition or gaming. This leaves males with a smaller window of opportunity to express normal emotions that females generally share throughout the day. 

What does this build up of emotion do to the human body? Emotions and intense energy builds up, and needs a release. If it isn't released in small bursts, well, you get rages.

Emotions are like air filling up in a balloon. There is only so much that can fill before it bursts. 

Females also get angry. 

Around half of all gamers are female. This leads to expanding on more traditional gender stereotypes or assumptions with female. Females can and do play all types of games, and can also experience nerd rage. Gaming can be an outlet for women where in general, the greater culture may not accept female anger or aggression as openly as when males do. 

Females may be pressured to maintain harmony in groups, and suppress feelings of anger to please others. This is not always the case, of course, yet there are socializing agents that may heavily shape a female's range of expressing negative emotions; the same way men are not nurtured to acknowledge more vulnerable types of emotions. According to an article on gender and anger, men tend to be more physical and aggressive with their anger, while females tend to be more passive aggressive (GOSSIPING).

Gaming may be used as a safer negative emotional outlet for some. It may be healthier to release anger while yelling and killing creeps in a videogame than picking a fight with a random person who bumped into you. In addition to all the positive aspects gaming offers its players, some may use it solely for an emotional outlet; others, not so much. Context is important. 

Context for anger

For many gamers, life can be difficult and overwhelming. People may not always be the kindest, and social support might be minimal. Being misunderstood, and not being able to connect with others may add context to why some gamers have angry outbursts when they play. Having a childlike heart, or being labeled as immature, or lazy by loved others can also be disheartening. Countless stereotypes on being a gamer can make it even more difficult to connect with non-gamers. Adult children affected by the recession, Millennials, also have an added layer of difficulty to finding work and finishing school while some of their peers may be more "successful." 

How nerd rage affects family & relationships

Gaming and anger can become a focus within the family system or relationship. This intense focus on anger can cause arguing, break ups, and additional anger from others. The entire experience can be frustrating, overwhelming, and tiring. Lots of people may start giving ultimatums for the gamer to quit playing "or else" something will be taken away. Parents of adult gamers may feel guilty for permitting the behavior to get to this excessive state, as well as disappointed and upset their child is not thriving. Gamers can feel misunderstood for their love of gaming, annoyed that others want to take something that brings them joy away, and guilty or stuck for not pleasing others. It's a lot of emotions, a lot of perspectives, and a lot of relationship dynamics to consider. 

What happens next?

If extreme anger and gaming are difficult to even initially address, seeking professional support may be a first step. Gaming can be an addiction. If behaviors become difficult, it's important to seek help; either for your own support, or for the family or relationship. Information is invaluable, and learning what gaming can offer a person can help increase connection and open communication. Sometimes arguments and anger can really be about gaming, and sometimes it really isn't about gaming in the first place. Everyone has a story, and every gamer has a history and reason for playing. Listening to understand can make a world of difference. If these initial stages are confusing or difficult to start, an awesomely compassionate and gaming affirmative therapist may be able to help start the healing process. 

5 Things Gamers in Your Life Want You to Know

There may be a stigma with gaming. At times, the greater culture associates gaming with addiction, anger outbursts, and interpersonal problems. As a person from the gaming community, I acknowledge how real these concerns are. Our culture is drenched in technology, and it’s very difficult to separate from video games. Gaming and technology will most likely stay with us for a long time, so there are some ways to maneuver these waters. I’ve asked hundreds of gamers, and thought about some reasons why I enjoyed gaming in the past. Here are some things that might help you connect with the gamer in your life.

Some statistics on gaming

34 years old:The average gamer

39 years old: The average age of most frequent game purchasers

12 years: The average number of years adult gamers have been playing computer or video games

40% of all gamers are female

(http://www.esrb.org/about/video-game-industry-statistics.aspx)

(24 hours a week)

Addicted gamers play twice as much as casual gamers  (http://www.video-game-addiction.org/)

155 million Americans play video games

(http://www.theesa.com/article/150-million-americans-play-video-games/)

1) The Purpose of Gaming

Big Pharma screen shot by David Davis, INTP

• Some of us game to relieve stress or do things we cannot do in "real life," like shoot a gun, or build fantastic castles in the sky.

• It can feel very accomplishing to finish a level, puzzle, or quest in games. When the outside world is difficult, games can help boost confidence to move forward. 

• There can also be a social connection in games that cannot be obtained otherwise. Games can bring people together to create community, common goals, and support. 

• The American Psychological Association shared findings where oxytocin (aka the love drug) is released when gamers play with peers. It is the same hormone released when we hug.

2) Ask Us Questions

World of Warcraft Undead Beastmaster Hunter screenshot, shared by Kenny Royal Hupp, INTP

• Being interested in a gamer's world can help relieve tension on talking about problematic gaming. Perhaps the conversation will lead to understanding of how important games are in a person's life/
• Look for themes in character and game choice. Asking questions about a gamer's favorites can also help understand what is important in the gamer's life. 
• Speaking with a counselor can help with this process if it's too difficult to start. (I can help look for referrals or consult) 

3) It is a Hobby

Star Wars: The Old Republic (SWTOR), Danielle Rivera screen shot

Just like football or ballet, playing video games is a hobby. For some of us, it can be a professional career. (UC Irvine has an eSports team where students play games and have their tuition reduced, many companies have eSports teams around the world, and South Korea has a huge culture that supports eSports athletes.)

Sometimes our loves ones have hobbies we don't like, and we still love them anyways. A way to support our loved one who games is to view the activity like other hobbies. Hobbies have multiple and unique purposes for each of us, and can range from: spending time with friends, relaxing after a stressful day, a monotonous task to not think too much about things, a challenge to overcome, a certain skill set to develop, a creative outlet, a more appropriate emotional release, and a mini adventure. 

4) Limitations are Healthy

There are so many hours in the day, and chores and other responsibilities are part of time management. When gaming becomes problematic (gaming too many hours a day, constant emotional outbursts when losing, anger when being asked to stop play, etc), relationships, school, and/or work can suffer. 

Talking about reasonable times to play, and expectations for contributing to the family can help increase positive interactions with gaming. The goal isn't to take games away from a gamer. The goal is to allow for more priorities and skills to matter as much and be honored as much as gaming. Behavior charts and time tables with kiddos can be very useful visuals and reminders)

Limbo, Playdead.com (suggested by Josh Liu, INTP)

5) Play with Us

Games are meant to entertain, teach new skills, and connect us with others across the globe. Sometimes it's not a preferred hobby for a loved one, but there are things we will not be enthusiastic about, and that's okay. 

In addition to sitting and watching our loved ones play (like watching them play soccer or perform in dance), we can try to play with them. Maybe we can learn to like what they like (at the very least, start to understand), and explore a world of creativity we haven't stepped into before. This hobby may be short-lived or it can carry on through the lifespan. To understand how and why your gamer plays can start with sitting and watching, or asking, "Can I play?"

---

Rule of thumb for gaming:

Casual gamers play 10-20 hours a week. Game addicts may play more than 24 hours a week. (http://video-game-addiction.org)

Signs of possible gaming problems:

• Arguments (yelling and/or fighting) continuously come up when the gamer is asked to stop gaming
• Lying about how much time is being spent gaming
• Increased irritabiity, feelings of sadness, or lack of interest in other activities they may have been interested before
• Extreme anger outbursts when losing games
• Relationships are ignored when gaming
• The quality of school or professional work decreases dramatically, or lack of motivation to do any work
• Sleep, earing, and hygiene are neglected to play
• Oversleeping and gaming through the day
• Constantly talking and thinking about the game for prolonged periods of time

If it's still difficult after a few weeks of trying these five things out, give me a call to see how I can help. I'm in the Orange County, CA area and love working with gamers and their loved ones.

To learn more about the gaming world, click HERE. 

• LIMBO
• Star Wars: The Old Republic (SWTOR)
• Big Pharma
• World of Warcraft
• 5 More Things Gamers in Your Life Want You to Know

25 Things Children Remind Us

Going through the day as adults, it can sometimes be easy to forget the small life lessons we learned or believed in as children. I wanted to start the year with a list of reminders to be grateful. And, lots of my gratitude does come from working with children and families. Here is a short list of things children remind us of:

1. The little things in life, like bubbles, pizza, and rainbows, are readily available for us to enjoy
2. Play is appropriate any time of the day
3. It's okay to try again; each experience is a chance to learn
4. You're never too old to dream about possibilities
5. Hugs and kisses can make any booboo better
6. Imaginary friends are the best friends to share secrets with
7. You can be friends with someone just by having the same favorite color
8. Chicken soup and some sleep is really good self care when we're sick
9. Saying, "I don't like it!" can end unwanted behaviors with a friend
10. A game of handball or basketball can resolve conflict or misunderstandings
11. An afternoon nap can help improve mood and rid crankiness
12. Playing in the dirt & running in the rain is very important
13. Bedtime stories are one of the best ways to end the day
14. Asking why and being curious about how things work is a lifelong thing
15. Coloring scribble scrabble aimlessly can sometimes be the best release
16. Making up songs and singing can brighten a loved one's day
17. Helping in the kitchen can help make a meal tastier
18. Super heroes are real, and you can be one, too
19. The natural wonders and beauties of the world are all around us
20. Blanket forts with snuggle buddies and a good book can make for the best weekends
21. Telling the truth is a good policy to follow
22. Being kind is still one of the best gifts to offer someone
23. Standing up to bullies can help others stand up for themselves
24. Your difference is what makes you you, and it's something to value & keep sacred
25. Honoring the similarities in others is what connects us

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child (Guest Post)

Author Information: Andre Larocque is a district level behavioral specialist consultant with a narrowed study in Oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder and Antisocial personality disorder. In addition to his education in psychology he has 8 years direct experience working in residential treatment.

-----

Spare the rod, Spoil the Child: A Behavioral Primer for the Non-spanker.

By Andre Larocque

Edited by: Evita Sandoval

History of a Limit Tester

            All these discussions about spanking usually start with“Spanking worked for me.” In all fairness it worked for me as well. I remember being a young, quiet boy in Vermont who enjoyed the woods and building forts. I wasn't always a well behaved behaviorist however. I was a young aggressive researcher who enjoyed finding his limits with adults. I remember one aunt in particular being brave enough to babysit me at the time. I took the opportunity while she fell asleep watching soap operas to slap her as hard as I could before running outside to climb my families fir tree. At this point it was appropriate for me to internalize several existential questions. Rightly so, as she stood seething at the bottom of the tree she was correct to remind me, I would eventually have to come down and she had a long memory. Most adults do, and lets be fair now I was a child asking for a limit to be set.

Spanking as a Tool
 

            In the above example most people are quick to point out serious behaviors demand serious consequences, and we would be doing a disservice to our kids by demonstrating otherwise. Such an assertion would be completely correct. I got paddled when I came down from our families fir tree and most would argue my consequence was earned.

            Kids are incredibly smart. Anyone who has spent time with children knows they are a sponge for positive and negative experiences. So where does spanking fit in all this? Throughout my studies in college spanking was discussed at length. Corporal Punishment is a hot button issue in psychology. Behaviorists at the time were still catching flak for incorrectly addressing “expectations” and the role expectations play in behavioral outcomes. A good example of this criticism can be seen through spanking. When a child limit tests and they are spanked, ideally the target behavior shapes to be lower in frequency, intensity, or both. Parents understand this concept but often not in the same behavioral context. Target behaviors do shape through spanking. However, there is a dark secret in all this. The behavior only appears to shape when the spanker/enforcer is around to implement the expectation and its subsequent behavioral consequence. The authority in this case chose to buy obedience at the cost of resentment. When the authority chose to spank, behind closed doors the behavior was made worse, having been built upon resentment towards the spanking authority. The spanker doesn't know that. The babysitter, school, neighbors and police however do see that behavior that was supposedly shaped to be lower. These are the same kids that say their pleases and thank you's but then decide to pepper spray their neighbors toilet paper when no one is around. Behaviorists for the most part agree that there are very unintended negative outcomes for corporal punishment being shown in the long term for kids. These unintended consequences include higher substance abuse rates, lower grey matter in the brain and even significantly higher rates of mood disorders [1][2][3][4][5].

Behaviorism as a Tool

            Usually at this point in the spanking discussion folks lose a bit of hope. The reason why is often because it begs the question “What tools do we have to shape behavior if spanking is not ideal?” The solution is very hopeful because in the modern age we have many new rewards and many new logical consequences that technology provides us with. The most effective tools behaviorists have had for centuries are consistency, prevention and fairness. The reason why there is a disparity in power between kids and adults, is because sometimes children make poor and uninformed decisions which demands adults take charge to mitigate that risk for a time. To expand on good behavioral practices there are several things a parent can do to shape behaviors in an effective way and most of them center around the mitigation of risky or maladaptive behaviors. When a parent sees limit testing their actions and words should always be a decisive “No”. Limit testing is the clear understanding of the expectations and the subsequent disregard of them. Soft limits like negotiating, being unclear, begging for change, nagging, or providing any grey area will always result in more limit testing. This will also demonstrate that your expectations are not worthy of your child's respect. When a parent sees a child asking for, or demonstrating a need for support the response is different. When a child is uninformed and does not know the limit or its tangent expectations, a wise response would be a kind request for more information. This supportive discussion should involve the authority providing an explanation, and replacement behaviors with regard to the behavior being spoken about. If one responds to support testing with a decisive “No”, that person builds obedience at the cost of resentment. This resentment can lead one to be just as ineffective as one that chooses a soft limit. One thing I often suggest, for parents looking to “clean up” behavioral practices, is a behavioral contract in which everyone in the household signs. In the contract target behaviors and consequences are spelled out clearly without soft limits and everyone is equally responsible for adhering and enforcing that contract. Weekly house meetings to revise the family contract can be very beneficial for everyone involved. When there is a violation of the contract, it is nothing “personal”, it is simply the law as the household agreed. The antecedent to resentment does not exist in this method allowing for a positive household without all the underlying emotional cultch.

Behaviorism in Practice

            Much of being consistent is having scripts and expressing yourself and your expectations correctly and systematically every time. This prevents maladaptivity from taking root by keeping expectations fair, firm and consistent. Any soft limits, or punitive practice, will result in heightening the frequency and/or intensity of limit testing [6].

“It has been brought to my attention that you are choosing to bully kids at school. Our behavioral contract states unkindness, and disrespect, will result in a simplification of your communicative tools. You demonstrated I can't trust you behind closed doors so we also need to simplify privacy as well. The wifi is being turned off, your cell phone service is being turned off and your door is being taken of its hinges and is coming with me for a week. Once you are able to communicate respectfully and kindly we will discuss regaining the privileges that trust would afford you.”

“You are not showing you have control over your body right now. As per our behavioral contract that means you need to take a break, I need you to take a timeout in that chair until you can show me a calm face and a calm body.”

“I would love to take you to the store, but you tantrumed in public to get what you want. Our behavioral contract states I need to trust you will make good social decisions in public or I can't take you with me. You showed me that you need to take a break from going anywhere until I know you will make good social decisions. Maybe you can regain this privilege by showing me better ways in asking for what you want and accepting when I tell you no.”

References

[1] Gershoff, Elizabeth T. (Spring 2010). "More Harm Than Good: A Summary of Scientific Research on the Intended and Unintended Effects of Corporal Punishment on Children". Law & Contemporary Problems (Duke University School of Law) 73 (2): 31–56. Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[2] Durrant, Joan; Ensom, Ron (4 September 2012). "Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research".Canadian Medical Association Journal 184 (12): 1373–1377. doi:10.1503/cmaj.101314. PMC 3447048. PMID 22311946. Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[3] Ateah C.A., Secco M.L., Woodgate R.L. (2003). "The risks and alternatives to physical punishment use with children". J Pediatr Health Care 17 (3): 126–32. doi:10.1067/mph.2003.18. PMID 12734459Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[4] Tomoda, A.; Suzuki, H.; Rabi, K.; Sheu, Y.S.; Polcari, A.; Teicher, M.H. (2009). "Reduced prefrontal cortical gray matter volume in young adults exposed to harsh corporal punishment".Neuroimage. 47(Suppl 2):T66-71.doi:10.1016/j.neuroimage.2009.03.005 PMID 19285558

[5] MacMillan H.L., Boyle M.H., Wong M.Y., Duku E.K., Fleming J.E., Walsh C.A. (October 1999)."Slapping and spanking in childhood and its association with lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders in a general population sample".Canadian Medical Association Journal 161(7): 805–9. PMC 1230651. PMID 10530296.

[6]  Mackenzie R.J (2011) “Setting limits with your strong willed child” Retrieved 23 December 2015.