Alternatives to Saying, "No," to Kids

In countless articles or survey results across the internet, are the topics of parenting, relationship success and conflict resolution. Some terms that continually show up in relation to these topics are: communication and how conflicts are resolved. I started thinking about my work with children and parents, my personal experiences, and how language can powerfully impact relationship outcomes and emotional events.

It is natural for people to argue. We have such different perspectives and experiences that shape how we see specific events and the usage of language in communication. Some of us may lean towards more rationale responses than others, and many of us may be considered sensitive or highly emotional. And in between, there is a range and shift in using emotion or logic depending on context. We respond differently, and when you put two or more people together, there is high change for misunderstandings or saying things that could hurt someone’s feelings.

This is the case especially for children, since their decision-making parts of their brain are not fully developed yet. It will take time and practice to shape a child’s brain and habits into being less reactive, and there are ways for adults to help.

So, what do we do about this? Since communication is such a broad topic, this blog will cover the usage of the word, “No,” negative comments, or declining suggestions by others. These examples can be used in parenting children, romantic partnerships, professional relationships, or other interactions you may have.

Please note that tone, body language, and volume also affect how someone interprets language. This list can be a starting point to take note of how we default in communication with people in our lives, and the possible, small steps we can take to improve outcomes.

Alternatives to Saying, “No,” “Don’t do that,” “Stop it,” etc.

For parents and caregivers when kids are being noisy, breaking rules, running around, or interrupting:

The automatic response might be to yell, “Stop doing that!” While this can get the attention and response of children, it may also make them feel bad for simply being energetic. A possible alternative could be:

• Give Options: Please find a toy or book to look at. I can help you find one in a little bit. I am busy right now. This way, the adult can control the options, but give a child a sense of autonomy to choose. This also gives a heightened responsibility to have alternative activities available for children to use. Sometimes there won’t be options, but with creative thinking, there could be an increase in finding options when possible.

• Redirect: When children don’t get their way, it can lead to a tantrum. Physically moving your child to another object/person of interest can help de-escalate situations quickly. (Is this something you do all the time? Probably not. However, redirection is very successful when time or safety is an issue.

• Be Specific: Children don’t always know what to do when they’re told to stop, or what exactly it is they need to stop doing. “Crayons go on paper,” is more specific than "Stop doing that.” It also gives the child a chance at being successful with their interests. Instead of “Stop running around the house!” saying “Feet are for walking in this house” or “Slow down, and choose a toy to play with” can help a child make a better choice.

• Identify Rules: Hands are not for hitting. How else can we use our hands? Using stuffed animals or family members can help a child repair a moment of chaos. When they bite or hit, offering a chance to show they know the rules can help pair this memory with positivity and success.

  • What is (item) used for? Show me where it goes when we’re done.

  • Who does this belong to? (Child answers) Let’s give it back to (person), or put it back.

• Identifying the Wants and Emotions of a Child: I see you really want that ice cream (activity) right now. You are so excited, but now upset/sad/angry. As the amygdala and limbic parts of the brain are more reactive with children, it will take time to develop an emotional vocabulary as well as self-soothing skills. Part of a parent’s job is to help give children this language and model how to cope with such big feelings. Naming emotions helps reduce limbic firing so a child can be more receptive to moving forward. Identifying the wants of a child can also make them feel important, even though they did not get what they wanted.

• Reasons or Consequences for Decisions: “If you eat ice cream before bed, you could have a tummy ache.” This may not eliminate a tantrum or tears, but it can slowly pair decisions with consequences. The more we use language to explain reasons for things, the greater the foundation a child may have to not make impulsive decisions, as well as see that adults are not “out to get” them, but have the best intentions for stopping a child from running across traffic or petting that nice alligator.

• Using Humor: Being playful and using humor can very much help soothe a child when they aren’t getting their way. Please note that some situations may not call for humor, for instance, death and serious themes of loss or pain. In general, toddlers and children can be more receptive following rules and quick changes implemented playfully.

  • “Stickers don’t go on the wall!” or “Toys don’t belong in the toilet!” in a playful way is less intense than yelling or reprimanding a child for being a child.

Note: If a child is doing something unsafe where there is no time to use this as a “learning moment”, there may be necessity to yell, “No!” or “Stop!” The volume and intensity of the words can make children freeze for an adult to gather, or more quickly responsive to get to a safe location. In these types of scenarios, there is no need to think about validating a child’s emotions or giving options of where to go. If there is danger, react accordingly and ensure kids are safe.

Is it expected to use these strategies all the time and never say, “No,” from now on? That’s impossible. Parenting is one of, if not, THE most difficult job on the planet. It’s filled with stress, and lots of people telling you to do this and that, and sometimes it’s thankless, and overwhelming. The joy and precious moments of raising a tiny human being into a whole person is worth it all, and yet, there is no one correct way to do it right. Please give these items a try, and if you say no here and there, you’re still being the best parent you can be for your child, and that’s all they could ever ask for.

Book Recommendations:

• The Whole Brain Child | Dr. Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

• Shameproof Parenting | Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

Catching Them When They're Good

Have you ever tried to change someone?

Have you said or heard the following?

“Why are you doing it like this?” “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re not listening!” “I’ve already shown you a million times!” “You’re so slow!” “You forgot to do X again. I ALWAYS have to remind you!” “I can’t depend on you for anything.” “I’ll just do it.”

It’s okay, many of us have been there, and it’s not always easy. It seems to be a thing that happens a lot, though. This idea that we know how someone should behave or change comes with the best intentions, and yet, it’s not taken this way. Whether it’s friends, family, coworkers, classmates, lovers, or children, we tend to tell them how to change, where it comes off as a criticism or demand.

Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of this where someone is telling you all the things you’re doing wrong, and you end up feeling like a failure. It doesn’t feel good, and can even lead to feelings of resentment or deep sadness. There are good intentions, and yet the delivery is not working. The outcome is hurt feelings and conflict. The same thing can happen when we are trying to shape children in our lives. We know and see how the world is, and want to build skills for success.

So what do we do? We identify the things they are doing wrong. We knit-pick at how these things are incorrect and how they should be doing it. We end up doing it ourselves.

How does this affect a person?

It could lead to feelings of inferiority, a negative self-concept, or pairing negative emotions with “help.” Some people who were constantly told they were doing things wrong learn to distance themselves from asking or receiving help. This distrust of others may shape their world view; that it’s better to do things alone without the harsh criticisms of others.

Another possible outcome is those who were only given attention for “messing up” or being “bad” continually increased these types of behaviors in order to get attention. It is a repetitious cycle that can be difficult to change. Children who received attention when making mistakes or behaving negatively may internalize this identity of “being” bad and a failure which could carry into adulthood.

The above could be an extreme example, but I’ve come across some adults who’ve been impacted by early experiences where they have a difficult time trusting others because they are afraid of negative criticisms and being made fun of. This can especially be the case for those who are/have*:

*sensitive, Autistic, twice-exceptional (2e) gifted, gifted, ADHD, learning or auditory processing differences, delayed speech, invisible and visible conditions that affect mobility, cognition, or other bodily functions like chronic illness.

*An added layer to the physical body is inherited traumas, mental illness or conditions, unmet basic needs, systemic oppression, how accepted or safe they are at home, language or cultural barriers; some things that many people mask when attempting to overcome and thrive.

Are the above items things that affect each person we want to help? Maybe, maybe not. It can be a compassionate step to consider how someone is experiencing the world as we attempt to walk along their journeys and offer support towards change. This understanding may help with offering kindness, patience, and compassion for those who are having a harder time with being asked to change, even from someone who cares.

Catching Them When They’re Good (Dr. Robert Myers)

This phrase is from a child development course about a decade ago, and it’s helped me in professional settings and personal relationships. This is simply that: look for the positive and good, as difficult as it may be for certain people. Identify it with specific language and praise people.

Imagine a person where important figures in life only gave attention or talked to them when they made mistakes or behaved poorly. Moments of curiosity, goodness, or quiet were ignored.

Now, offer this person praise for doing something small, like opening the door for you, or helping clean up after dinner. Thank them and share gratitude for their presence. Being grateful for someone just for being alive! How novel~

I just spoke with someone who did not get praised growing up, and they responded by saying how “life-changing” it would be if their parents or any adults in their home gave them attention when they were trying to ask questions or do well in school. They noted how this early experience shaped a negative series of relationship exchanges where they act out and repeat this cycle of looking for the bad in others.

While this, again, is not the case for everyone, it is noted that early experiences and intense moments in life can and do shape the physical, emotional, and mental health of many of us. As children or adults, we may have the lens of looking for the negative in ourselves and others, even when we want to encourage positive changes.

Examples of praise, gratitude, and catching them when they’re good:

(Mixed examples for children, family, partners, friends, family)

• Thank you for being quiet while I was on the phone.

• I see you using your hands gently (for kiddos who need help being safe and gentle).

• I love it when you give me hugs just because.

• I appreciate the space you give when I’m upset, and you slowly checking in to see if I need anything.

• I really appreciated it when you washed the dishes for me yesterday.

• When I asked you to get ready for dinner, you did it so quickly.

• I really like it when you have your backpack ready in the morning so we’re not late or in a rush.

• Thank you for saving me a seat this morning.

• Nice work trying to brush your teeth!

• I saw how you tried really hard on your homework today.

• Thank you for listening to my problem and not trying to give advice right away. I know how solving problems is how you show care, and I see how you tried.

• I appreciated when you saved the last slice of pizza for me. It made me feel special.

• Thanks for getting me a coffee this morning!

• I LOVE how safely you’re playing with your toys right now!

• Thank you for sitting with me quietly while I figure out my problem. I needed time to sort things in my head and a bunch of questions would make me more frustrated.

Although these statements are a small start, it can lead to great changes. Starting small is tangible, more realistic, and easier. We can build on small successes to promote longer-lasting positive changes. :) Sometimes one positive statement can stay with a person for a lifetime. You never know if your words will change a person’s life.

7 Traits of an Influential Leader

When you think of leadership, certain words and images come to mind. A traditional view of leadership may tend to lean towards powerful, charming, and high-achieving individuals. As these are important, tangible qualities an influential leader possesses, there are also intangible, soft skills-based traits that are as equally important for supporting a team or organization successfully. Here are 7 traits of an influential leader (more will be added on the next blog post):

1) Creativity

Organizations and teams will come across problems and lulls in production. It is during these times that thinking about possibility and outcomes can build momentum for growth. Seeing how a project or company can remain relevant or get unstuck requires a visionary to say, “How about this?” or “Let’s try something different.” When a leader proposes something unique with confidence, people are willing to believe in giving it their all, and it shows. Companies like Apple and Google can inspire employees and consumers to believe in the brand because their leaders possessed the creative confidence to guide a generation to “think different.”

2) Conflict Resolution

Just as our personal relationships have conflicts, so do our work relationships. It is common, and many times there is a protocol to follow where leaders or managers are asked to help resolve conflict. This is difficult because one party may feel more favored than the other. Mediation and coaching may be needed. What is there to do to ensure team members feel heard and respected? Conflict resolution skills involve respectfully hearing and modeling how to communicate with someone who may or may not have similar values or intentions. It requires active listening, patience, and willingness to troubleshoot solutions, even if you think your answer is the “best.” Without successful conflict resolution skills, a team can deteriorate where there is no focus on goals or a larger mission.

3) Adaptability

Leaders tend to have worked in diverse fields and positions. They’ve been in multiple roles that developed a range of skills and perspectives. This ability to see a company or roles from the bottom-up and across disciplines is a huge asset. When speaking with team members about tasks and where a company may potentially go, adaptable leaders know when to increase or decrease their engagement or facilitate team participation. An adaptable leader is not too proud to work in a “lower” position or task, rather, they have humility to do what is needed to get the job done.

Change is constant, and employees or teammates look to leaders on how to respond. If a positive or negative change occurs, how a leader responds ripples across the group which can create confidence or fear. The morale of a group is an important factor with how it can overcome difficult times and thrive. People want to know if their jobs or organization will make it through hardships and leaders are looked to for guidance and strength.

4) Accountability

We make mistakes. Leaders make mistakes. They may say things that were misinterpreted, or caused additional problems. An influential leader apologizes and takes responsibility for their actions and words. In addition to apologizing is staying away from blame. It is a difficult thing to say, “I’m sorry,” but it is also very powerful in developing and maintaining respect with people you work with. It can go a long way to identify mistakes, apologize, and figure out ways to prevent it from happening again.

5) Communication

Communication is very general, but encompasses vital skills for teammates to accomplish goals. If a task is poorly explained, it could fail and lead to additional problems, or low morale. People want to feel competent, but vague descriptions or a lack of explanation can make many feel unsure about what is being asked. Some ways of being an effective communicator:

• Clear language

• Concise statements describing tasks

• Examples for others to reference

• Being open to questions to verify understanding

• Using multiple communication methods to reach teammates and diverse learning styles (text, visual, hands-on, presentations, video, small chunks of information, outlines)

• Checking-in, but not micromanaging

• Listening and confirming the experience of individuals

• 1:1 and group meetings to instill motivation or ensure cohesive understanding of goals

• Praise for efforts and successes

• Appropriate tone, body language, and facial expressions

6) Delegation

Teams need different roles to thrive. If a big-picture thinker is being paired with a rote, repetitive task lacking creative expression, it might not be the best way for them to feel successful or contribute to a team. Leaders can and do see the beauty of diverse gifts and talents within a group. They will learn about the motivations and unique skills each teammate has, and assign tasks that highlight these skills. This can make team members feel more valued and seen for their unique talents.

In addition to delegating tasks, a leader must be able to picture the individual steps and identify procedural descriptions in a way that is clear for others to understand. When tasks are assigned and described well, a team is able to get the job done more easily. A team may have a difference of opinion in terms of work flow, timelines, and priority tasks, so a leader must instill confidence that the tasks given are what need to be done in order to move forward.

7) Motivation

Motivation is huge. Individuals who are encouraged and believed in will work diligently towards the collective goals and core values of a team. Feeling like you are part of something bigger makes the difference between someone who is working because they have to versus someone who works because they want to. Wanting to be at work increases productivity and effort. It can also boost morale and trouble shooting when things get tricky. Some ways to motivate teammates:

• Praise efforts, recognize accomplishments individually and as a group

• Having fun, group events, not always being serious

• Encourage members to ask for help or feedback

• Model skills to develop

• Seeing which teammates prefer guidance or more autonomy with tasks

• Asking for suggestions, having regular meetings where people feel valued

To my younger readers, non-working professional visitors, students, and creatives, please consider how these traits can be applied in different scenarios in your lives. Leadership does not have to be the goal for adopting new or using these existing skills. Interpersonal relationships can also heal and thrive with the usage of many of these soft skills. If you would like to practice developing such skills, a coach or therapist can help on this path.

I am happy to chat on which services would better fit your needs at the moment. 949-381-1894 or organizedmesses@gmail.com

What You Can Do With A Degree in Sociology or Psychology

The following information varies by location and field of study. Having a Masters in Psychology does not always guarantee a graduate abilities to perform therapy. There is the additional layer of supervision, having a registered associate number, passing exams, and documenting one’s hours. What if you don’t want to do therapy? What else is there career-wise, if you have a Bachelors in Psychology or Social Work? I asked a few therapists, and here are their responses and recommendations:

• Group home or youth care worker. The Boys and Girls Club offers such positions.

• Research. Experimental, developmental, social, and I/O psychology. These all require advanced degrees, but they aren’t at all clinical (therapy).

• HR, community development, education, and marketing fields. Clinical isn’t the only option. Sociology or psychology undergrad education offer ideal skills for working within groups and communicating with individuals. Depending of your personal interests and passions, they can be combined with a bachelors to be an excellent candidate for these fields.

• Nonprofit world! “I worked for Head Start, a foster care agency, and the YMCA. I found jobs on indeed.com, social service.com, and craigslist.” (When using Craigslist, please use care and ensure work is safe and vetted in some way.)

• Agencies: “Our agency hires group home staff and therapeutic behavioral coaches with BAs”

• A lot of options: “With a BA in any of the social sciences you can work in the helping fields as a case manager, parent partner, Behavior interventionist, mentor, coordinator level for many city parks and rec and community service programs, in group homes, in juvenile detention in mental health or at a probation officer, coordinator for after school programs, social worker for DCFS. I did many of these for 10 years before returning to grad school for my MSW. Although I was able to really help a lot of people in these positions, the pay maxes out at about 45,000 annually (in LA) unless you’re willing to work for the county in Social Work (DCFS) or Probation…”

• Treatment Centers: “I often speak to grad students about how to get into the ED (eating disorder) field - I share with them how to find entry level positions in treatment centers. I always encourage clients to take any job offered in the field, no job is beneath them because they will learn so much at every level of treatment, therapy, or business.”

Video Gaming: Mental Health Professionals Need to Understand it Better

Guest Post by Dr. Stephanie Haibloom

About a month ago I was at the annual APA convention being held this year in San Francisco, CA. While there I attended two seminars on video games and their impact on clients. The first seminar was titled “A Clinician’s Guide to Video Games, Social Media, and Other Developing Technologies for Kids and Families”. I was concerned that it was going to be all one-sided and discussing the “horrors” of video gaming and the detrimental effects on our clients due to video games. I was pleasantly surprised! The seminar was a very balanced view of video games and even pointed out the POSITIVE effects of video gaming on clients such as learning to schedule, stronger decision making abilities, positive social aspects, etc. They also discussed the ESRB ratings and making parents aware of them. It was a wonderful seminar and experience.

The second seminar titled “The Duality of Digital Technology-Its Impact on Social Interaction and Internet Addiction” was sadly the opposite of the previous panel. Their “research” was based on anecdotal data and one presenter went so far as to claim that video games cause obesity and rotten teeth in minors! I was appalled to say the least. In the first seminar the obesity issue was brought up and addressed by actual research that showed if gamers have a balance of exercise and gaming in their lives they have less risk of becoming obese. In essence, gaming does not make one obese, lack of exercise does.

“Gaming Disorder” WHO’s new “diagnosis” for gaming was discussed in both seminars. The main thrust of the discussions was: the “symptoms” are very vague and pathologize otherwise normal activities and behaviors. This “disorder” also stigmatizes an entire culture for basically existing! I liked the way the presenters in the first seminar explained the pathology of the “disorder”; if you have a person that loves golfing and he plays golf several times a week, for several hours each time with or without his friends, would he be considered addicted to golf? NO! He would be considered someone who enjoys his hobby/pastime and no one would pathologize him. So why are we pathologizing the entire gamer culture? It would better serve our clients if we as clinicians can become knowledgeable about this culture, teach the parents of our clients to understand the culture, and to stop stigmatizing others because of their hobbies and interests.

Stephanie Haibloom, Psy.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills, CA. Dr. Haibloom sees clients from adolescents to adults and specializes in Video Gaming Issues, Depression and Anxiety. Dr. Haibloom is also a NAMA Certified Anger Management Specialist – I. Dr. Haibloom can be reached at 818-835-5198 or through her Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/drstephaniehaibloom/ Dr. Haibloom’s favorite video games are the Phoenix Wright series, Cooking Mama, the Final Fantasy series, and the God of War series.

8 Lies Creatives Tell Themselves

The greater culture has done a great job at sabotaging the creative journeys of plenty of us. We internalize these external messages of how to live, and what art is "supposed" to mean in a person's life. We struggle, a lot. These are some common lies I hear or personally experienced. They may resonate with you, and they may not. 

Please know that it is normal to feel this way in a world that does not support the creative path.

We have a lot of unlearning to do, to live authentically without these damaging messages. You have talents to nurture. You have dreams to work towards. You have creative outlets to explore. Challenging these negative thoughts and lies can help a creative person live more authentically. 

LIES WE TELL OURSELVES AS CREATIVES:

• I’m not good enough to show or sell my work.

• You have to be born with artistic talent.

• I have to make a lot of money before I can practice art.

• My family and friends have a lot of power with their opinions on my life.

• I need to make and show art for free until I get famous. “Exposure” myth.

• Attention to imperfect art is dangerous. It’s not finished!

• There is something embarrassing or shameful about choosing this path.

• You have to be emotionally intense or live with pain to be creative. If I lose this, I can’t create.

ANTIDOTES TO THESE LIES:

• We all start in the beginning. Comparing will bring you down. Asking how someone got there gives you skills and supports others.

• Even the masters start as apprentices. Masters put in work, and so will you.

• Art is natural and has positive benefits to our lives. It is essential every day.

• They may be afraid because of stereotypes, and they don’t have answers for you. Show them you will be okay by living for your values and joy. Some will come around.

• This is how people take advantage of struggling artists. Thriving artists know their worth and will take payment for their work. If people want it, they should pay for it. Or, make money to make art.

• Showing works in progress is BRAVE. You can learn how to take critique and grow as an artist. This takes practice. Start with small projects and people you trust and admire.

• Being an artist is one of the most courageous things in this life. Lots of people wish they could do the same. Know that their reactions are about them, not you.

• Our creativity comes from being able to see and think differently; we see more of everything. Artists tend to feel and see more in general. It doesn’t mean we can’t create when we are joyful or at peace. Pain is one emotion of many. We can have inspiration from all emotional experiences; joy is felt more strongly because we know how dark and paralyzing sadness can be.

Boonie's VIDEOS:

• Fashion & Art Student Admission Tips
• Message to Artists Starting College
• Some Ways to Talk to Young Children About Art
• Creatives as Leaders?
• Message to Gamers, Geeks, & Artists
• Questions on Creativity & Mental Illness
•  

More Artist Resources

The Enneagram (guest blog by Christine Tomasello, M.S.)

I used to feel like something was wrong with me. I felt weird, broken, and damaged, which led to me to also feel isolated and unworthy of love. Little did I know that I was not the only person in the world feeling this way. As I got older, I learned that these are very common feelings that tons of people feel everyday. I also learned that there was a reason why I felt so unworthy for most of my life. At some point, I was introduced to something called the Enneagram and let me tell you… it changed my life.

Hi, I’m Christine and I’m a Two on the Enneagram.

What is the Enneagram?

The Wisdom of the Enneagram, my Enneagram bible, defines the Enneagram as, “a geometric figure that maps out the nine fundamental personality types of human nature and their complex interrelationships.” Essentially, it’s a personality system that identifies 9 distinct personality types and the core needs of each type. Though we have all 9 types within us, we are born with one type as our most dominant. Our dominant personality type functions as our internal operating system – it acts as the lens we see the world through and motivates our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Have you ever wondered why you have certain relationship patterns or what makes you drawn to certain things in life? Why do you thrive on structure and stability… or why do you hate structure and stability? Well, the Enneagram gets to the heart of why we are the way we are.

Basic Desires and Basic Fears… We All Got ‘Em

The Enneagram is build on the core needs of each type – it identifies the basic desire (what we want in our heart of hearts) and the basic fear (what we’re most afraid of in the world) for each type.

When I learned that I was a Two, which is called The Helper, I learned that feeling connected to other people is my biggest desire and that being unlovable is my biggest fear. Suddenly, I understood what made me tick. This knowledge helped me see why relationships are so important to me, why I feel good about myself when I can help people, and why I can lose myself trying to get people to like me if I’m not careful.

A Spectrum of Behavior

One of my favorite things about the Enneagram is that it talks about behavior on a spectrum. In the Enneagram world, each type has typical behaviors that exist on a spectrum from Healthy → Average → Unhealthy. This means that our behavior – how we choose to show up in the world – isn’t a black and white issue. It’s not a matter of “good or bad”, but more a question of, “How healthy is it?”

I like this idea of the Health → Average → Unhealthy spectrum because it can help us have compassion and grace for ourselves. It’s not uncommon to slide up and down the spectrum on a daily basis. When we act in a way we’re not proud of, rather than believe it’s because we’re a bad person, we can recognize that perhaps we were in the lower-average or unhealthy part of the spectrum. And then we can figure out what we need to do to move up to the higher-average or healthy part.

Learning About Ourselves… and About Others

A lot of people take issue with any personality assessment because they don’t like to be labeled or put in a box. I can see that perspective, but I also offer another way to look at it. The Enneagram (and any personality tool, really) is designed to give you maximum self-awareness. It takes you on a deep dive into self-inquiry and introspection to help you really (really) understand yourself. It also helps you learn about other people in your life.

The 9 personality types are all very different, which tells us that there are 9 distinct ways to conceptualize the world. Once you understand the different types and know what makes a Six different from a Seven, or why a One might have some challenges with rigidity, or that a Nine may avoid conflict at all cost, then you can start to understand what makes other people tick. When you understand what makes them tick, you can have greater empathy and deeper compassion for them. You’re less likely to judge or dismiss them when they disagree with you. And most importantly, you can hold space for them to be who they truly are underneath the limiting beliefs of their basic fear, especially when they’ve slid down to the Unhealthy part of the spectrum!

The Essence of the Enneagram

The essence of the Enneagram isn’t to change who you are. It’s to help you know yourself better. By knowing your type, you can better understand what makes you tick, become more aware of the automatic reactions that might get you into trouble sometimes, and learn why you have certain patterns in your life.

Russ Hudson from The Enneagram Institute once said, “Your Enneagram is what shows up when you don’t.” What he meant by this was that our Enneagram type – good, bad, and otherwise – is who we are when we live life on auto-pilot. When we dive in to truly understand who we are and how we operate, we empower ourselves with self-awareness and gain access to choice, giving us the freedom to live our life in an intentional, authentic, and purposeful way.

This blog post offers a simple breakdown of the basics of the Enneagram, which I like to call Enneagram 101. If you’re interested in learning more about the Enneagram, reach out to me and let’s find some time to talk. If you want to find out your Enneagram type, click here to visit the Enneagram Institute’s testing center.

(Disclaimer: of course, you shouldn’t just guess someone’s type because we can’t know the internal operating system of someone else. It’s important that they take the test or define it for themselves. But when you do know someone’s dominant type, you can use that information to relate better to them.)

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Christine Tomasello, M.S. is on a mission to spread the word of the Enneagram far and wide. She is a woman of many roles, wearing the hats of Coach, Consultant, Writer, and Therapist (Associate MFT, to be exact). Christine calls herself “the accidental entrepreneur” and “a recovering pessimist”, and is a proud INFP and Type Two on the Enneagram. Christine is based in San Diego, CA and works locally and virtually. You can learn more about Christine and her services at www.enneagramconsulting.com, www.leadershipfortherapists.com, and www.ghostwritingforhelpers.com.

The Nature of Change

Sometimes I'm asked how many coaching sessions are needed before change happens.

This is a difficult question to answer.

Therapists and coaches can't answer this question accurately. Even if there are a limited amount of sessions because of financial constraints, or insurance (for therapy), there is no guarantee that change or any goals will be met. It's a risk and vulnerability to take that leap.

>>>Well, that sucks.

Yes, it does. It's uncomfortable not to have a clear timeline with how long it should take to get the results you're looking for. It can be frustrating having to pay for a service where "nothing is happening." This is where communication as a client, and having the openness and trust of the professional comes in. 

It is my job as your coach to instill hope and optimism for change.

It takes trust if we are to create change together. I have to earn your trust.

It's my job to gather information to see where we can start to work on the goals that you've identified as the client. This is a dynamic type of relationship. Sometimes we need to have trial and error. Sometimes we have to see where life is at the moment to see which skills or goals are the most foundational, or significant. It is my job to see how you learn or grow best, by asking questions, giving assignments, and observing. 

My job is to give evidence of change. This can come from practicing interventions, but also explaining them in a way that makes the most sense to you. I have to learn how to speak your language and honor your experiences. When you know I seek to understand and have a certain level of understanding of your world, there is a stronger connection for us to build on. 

To give ourselves permission to change slowly, think about how long we've been alive, and how long these behaviors have existed. This isn't an easy process, and it involves cycles of small changes and success. 

Baby steps & comparisons:

Many of us are guided by perfectionism or feelings of being an imposter. With these lingering thoughts of never being good enough, it makes sense that starting out with change doesn't seem like a big deal; it's not the finish line. We barely started and other people are closer to the goals than us. Why didn't we start earlier? Or if we've been doing this for years, how come it's taking so long? We can start sabotaging ourselves because it's been part of our lives for so long, and the discomforts of comparisons and imposter syndrome start to consume us.

Please, take this into consideration: 

You are your own person, with your own story. No one can know entirely what you've gone through, and no one can tell you how to live your life. When you are ready, you are ready.

Some of us make small changes over large time spans. Some of us can change over night. We each have different circumstances and motivations, and access to support with change. These factors make it nearly impossible to compare our stories with others'. Change can be an uncomfortable process. Baby steps are to be celebrated. 

What if we get stuck or go backwards?

It's probably going to happen. If you look back on your attempts and successes with change in the past, maybe you've noticed when things made it difficult for you to maintain healthier or more positive types of behaviors. A common factor is stress or sudden changes in life. When we're really stressed out, we tend to gravitate towards comfort and past habits, even if we know they're not the best for us. We sometimes pair using our default patterns as failing. And that's the message we get from the greater culture. We get told we have to be perfect. We have to get it done 100% or it's considered a failure. 

That's not realistic. That's not fair. And, it's not being a human being. We make mistakes, and we have hardships with maintaining change all the time. That's the reality of being a human being. We are going to slip up, and default to our old ways every now and then. That's where a skilled coach can come in (a therapist if we are dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns) to educate and support you through these stages of change, because ambivalence and maintenance part of it. 

Being stuck is very common, and having this "stuckness" honored can actually create momentum to move forward. Many times people have their own agendas for how someone else is supposed to live, and instead of supporting change through encouragement, resistance is created by telling people to do stuff when it's not the right time to do so. 

Will other people see your change as quickly as you do?

This is complicated, too. Imagine having to work through changes in how confidently you feel about an area of life. These are internal changes that may or may not be large physical changes in your life. Some people may be more attuned with your habits or mannerisms, and can more quickly notice your changes or process of change. Other people can have their own barriers with seeing change. 

This is an added layer of systems psychology and maintaining change: It is one thing to start changing as an individual. It is another difficult layer to maintain change around others who may have sabotaged you, or expected a certain role (types of behaviors) from you in the past. Some people don't want to see the changes you've worked hard on. They want to pick and choose what they see, so they might try to sabotage or dismiss things. This is where habit, changes in environment (people, places, etc) can help maintain the positive changes you've worked so hard on. 

Open communication about these environmental factors  can help your coach or therapist with offering guidance or asking questions about how to prepare for these situations. Tools and education can be offered with how to create a layer of protection between you and negativity or sabotage you may face. 

Our relationship is the most important factor with change. 

I hope that my role is to be a guide, teacher, and resource. I can see your strengths, and hopefully, we can get to a place where you can see them, too. This involves hope, education, practice, and working through the ups and downs of building new habits. Coaching is interactive; I value and expect openness to discuss. We can talk about your thoughts on the pace of change, roadblocks, small victories, and any areas we need to focus on. 

Each one us of has a different relationship with change. It can be really scary doing this alone. It is scary for me at times, too. Changing and transitioning during parts of my life, I thought being alone was the brave thing to do. I was wrong. Having a mentor, or even friends to check in made the process easier. Knowing this, I hope to honor the unique situations each person has and walk with them on their journeys of change. 

We can work together to meet larger goals by having smaller successes over time. These deserve to be celebrated and witnessed.

Boonie (949)381-1894  |  organizedmesses@gmail.com

(I have openings AM and 3-7 Mondays )

YouTube Videos:

• Adjusting to Change

• Bowen Family Systems: Homeostasis & Change

Links to mental health resources:

• OC Shrinks

• Referrals on Organized Messes

• Community Resources/Hotlines

Letter to My Young, Highly Sensitive Self

Dear Young, Highly Sensitive Person,

The world is hard for you right now, and you have more questions and emotions than answers. The people around you may not understand, and they feel overwhelmed for you and your future. They are concerned. They wonder if the world will break you and that beautiful heart of yours.

Everything feels so much; everything is so much for someone so young.

You wonder why you were born to feel and think about the world on such a larger scale. It is intense, confusing, and frustrating. People call you a crybaby, or sensitive as if it's a bad thing. People start treating you differently or targeting you because they think that's how sensitive people are supposed to be treated, like targets. You hide from the world because it's easier than being hurt, misunderstood, or overwhelmed. It's easier than trying to explain and being shamed for being different. You start to distrust people and their intentions. You wonder if it will always be this way.

Is this a gift or a curse? Why me?

You wonder why other people don't want to talk to you about changing the world.  You wonder why you hear, smell, or physically feel things other people don't. You wonder if you're exaggerating because other people don't experience the world this way. They tell you how the world is. Then again, you are only 8 years old, or 10, or 16. You're just a kid. 

You are just a kid, AND you see something more in this world. You see purpose, you live compassion, and you breathe possibility. There is more to you, young one. I see it in you, and I will support and nurture you now. 

• I will honor and protect your innocence by having boundaries. 
• I will learn more about sensitivities and when our thresholds are being met.
• I will make time to play and create: the most important ways of nurturing a sensitive soul.
• I will find our tribe, reach out, and practice embracing our authenticity more often.
• We will share our sensitive strengths with others.
• We will write, speak, and share on this journey because it is something to connect others with, it is not to be ashamed of. 
• We will be realistic about how much we can do every day. Each person is different. We can grow in our own ways, not comparing ourselves to unattainable ideals. 
• We will learn to embrace our sensitive self while building a thicker armor to live in a world that can be harsh at times.

The journey is tumultuous, and I am thankful to be here to grow with you now. It was worth every effort to nurture you so far.

Boonie

Online Footprints & How to Strengthen Them

It's important to get some background understanding on internet culture and social media. Before delving into the tips on strengthening your online footprint, let's think about some things.

Firstly, why do you post?

• Show our personalities
• Belong to a community
• Share information
• Flirt
• Adrenaline rush
• Get attention
• Feel good about ourselves
• Curate things we like
• Communicate with others
• Emotional outlet
• Attempts to reach others
• Bored
• Trolling
• Creative outlet

Anything else?

Google yourself and see what comes up. Do you like what message and images show up?

• Would that dream job hire you?
• Will you be able to keep that scholarship or stay in school for behaving like this?
• Will that relationship or person you''re interested in want to be with you after seeing this?

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The concept of FOREVERISM: What is it?

According to Internet Society (2016) there are over 200 third-party advertisers and 630 tracking technologies collecting our data. Even if we do not give permission to these organizations and technologies to gather and use our data, they do. Each site we visit has potential to reach someone else when they look us up. The problem that arises with this is we are not always able to defend ourselves with what people find. Assumptions about our character can be made, which can affect how others see us.

These assumptions can be negative and affect how you may be hired or contacted for potential work or opportunities. The websites we visit, research, places we comment or like, images we post or hashtags we use, can all be tracked and come back to us in misinterpretations. It's important to think about the possibilities for people to screenshot our conversations, comments, and exchanges online.

The internet is forever. 

Do images and verbiage that you delete really go away? Junk Mail: where does it come from? Digital Marketing: Each time you buy something or research products on any website...other marketing pop ups occur. (Isn't that creepy?!) Google, apps, Echo Home, Alexa: are you listening? To everything? 

In addition to unknown parties tracking your personal data, people you know, "friends" or "followers", have access to your posts, comments, and photos online. This is especially important for young adults, teens, and children. SEXTING is part of youth online culture, however, it is a very dangerous behavior for the following reasons:

• Depending on your state, possessing and distributing nude photos of those under 18 can be considered possessing and distributing pornography 
• You may have to register as a sex offender
• You may have to enroll in sex offender classes 
• Citizen's Guide to Child Pornography
• In California, you may be fined up to $2500 for possession, and $2000 and/or 1 year of jail for distribution (California Child Pornography Law)

What else can be affected by inappropriate photos, posts, comments, or online bullying?

• You can ruin or muddy your reputation.
• People might not want to hire you because they think you're not professional or a good fit for the company.
• You can get fired.
• Your nudes can leak and it can be embarrassing for a long time.
• Your angry or emotional posts or comments can be screenshotted and shared.
• You can become a meme which can lead to out of control jokes or harassment.
• You can get kicked out of school or lose scholarship opportunities for posting inappropriate things. 
• People can take parts of your video and skew the truth. When it becomes viral, it will be difficult for you to defend yourself or share the truth.
• It may ruin current and future relationships if certain parts of your life are displayed and people don't have context. 

Let me say it again: The internet is forever. 

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10 Ways to Strengthen Your Online Footprint+

These tips can be useful for people of all ages, but I had young people in mind. There may be feelings or thoughts of invincibility and that our actions now don't have consequences, but they can and do. Please be mindful of your interactions online, especially if you want to have a career in certain industries when you're older. 

The difficult thing about being young and starting in the industry is thinking about how our actions will affect relationships with companies and colleagues in the future. The internet is forever. The things we post are forever. Take some time to figure out how you want to be seen by others, and how you want to be remembered.

1. Choose your words wisely

Even if you delete that angry tweet, snap, or comment, someone may have screenshotted it. Screenshots can be on the internet forever.

2. Stick with the facts

When we reply to others with strong opinions and accusations, it can lead to arguments where you or others attempt to damage one another’s reputations. Some people online go out of their way to message employers about unfavorable exchanges. This can risk your work as well as future prospects.

3. Be careful sharing images

Selfies are important. They are a part of the culture as well as a form of creativity and self expression. Companies have a brand to uphold. If and when your selfies don’t reflect the company culture, you may get fired or lose opportunities. Nudes, drunk outings, and reckless photos are inappropriate and difficult to undo.

4. Keep the politics out of your posts

Having our own personal beliefs and political views are important. It is a part of who you are. Some companies and potential referrals tend to stay neutral. To collaborate with these organizations and people, making sure your political posts are private can help. It can even be recommended to remove all politics from your posting.

5. Be professional

1. Stay away from slander or gossip. Even if it’s true, these behaviors are paired with how people first see you. Again, a company prefers to hire someone who promotes community, not gossip.

2. Sick days: If you are sick, posting images of your vacation sends a message that you are not reliable, and lack integrity. Be mindful of how you’re using your time away from school or work!

6. Instagram can ruin your reputation

Companies, recruiters, and referrals can search your likes, comments, and Instagram history to get a feel for your personality. If they find unfavorable posts or images, even from years ago, it can cost you a dream job.

7. Look back on past history

Go back through your old posts, likes, and images. Delete what you don’t want to be known for in the professional world. It can be tiresome and repetitive to do this, but think about your future and the work you’ve put in to your career. It is worth curating your old posts to be successful, and to be seen as a competent professional. If you get sentimental about older posts and images, save them on your computer.

8. Tag you’re it!!!! Don’t be tagged!

Untag yourself from posts that could be misinterpreted by companies. It’s more difficult now since technology can automatically tag your face in images online, so take time to ask friends not to post inappropriate images of you in the first place. It’s okay to ask them not to tag you in certain types of posts as well.

9.  If you’re not sure what to delete…

Look at social media of people you admire, as well as peers who are successful in the industry. See how they present themselves and think of how you can do the same.

10. Shut down all of your social media and start new!

If your history is too much to sort through, you have the luxury of time to delete your accounts now and start over. It can be a fresh start to figure out how you want to present yourself online and to the world. Your past will not define you or your future success.

Additional Tips on Social Media

• Say NO to drunk posting.
  • Have a friend hold your phone or plan ahead.
• Take a deep breath, count down 5 seconds before pressing send.
• Just like IRL arguments, pause before posting or commenting. We say things we can’t take back when we’re emotional
• Apologize for making mistakes, and move on.
• Sometimes it’s easier to start with nothing than to filter through years of content. Starting over now will save you from losing that dream job because of an Instagram post.
• Think about what you want to stand for as a professional and a brand NOW.
  • Which five words does your social media convey?
  • If these words don’t match your desired brand message, change something.
• If you are unsure of posting something, ask a trusted friend to look it over. If you need to vent, call someone so it’s not permanently online.