Video Games & Safety to Practice Life Skills

Why Some Neurodivergent Gamers Seek Safety in Gaming Spaces

My posts are specifically for neurodivergent people and those who consider video gaming an integral part of their lives. When our brains and bodies are different, there are things even we don’t fully understand about ourselves. We wouldn’t be able to explain to others why taking part in a virtual world is so powerful and important, but it is. I hope to write on reframing experiences to add to how we see others in our lives, and for gamers to have the opportunity to explore who they are. This will help you pick and choose how to describe your world and how to advocate for yourself.

Why We Need Safety to Practice Life Skills

Whenever we talk about the differently wired brain, there will be invisible conditions and hardships other people will not see from the outside. There is a high correlation between sensory differences that overwhelm and drain the brain, making “easy” tasks like everyday living difficult for many people. A lot of gifted and creative individuals also get comments of, “You’re so smart. This should be easy for you. Why are you being so lazy?” When these comments and judgments are given over years, it can make someone feel useless, weak, and like they are making excuses for struggling with the simplest things.

Our brain isn’t efficient in some ways. In other ways, we can be creatively gifted with ideas or specific disciplines. Sometimes we’re considered “slow” because of a learning disability or processing difference. Because of these asynchronous brain pathways, we may have difficulty learning something our typical peers can easily do. Sometimes we can learn and do something with enough repetition (like 100s of times or more) or we are being taught in ways that don’t make sense to us so these life skills remain a mystery.

Sensory Safety

With the neurodivergent brain, certain parts of the brain are stimulated more easily and intensely, and others are not. It’s why some of us feel pain when we hear something other people shrug off. It could be why certain fabrics, foods, or scents can make us feel deeply uncomfortable, and possibly in pain. Everything could be more intense, even pain. Living with so many intense feelings or physical sensations can make it difficult for us to focus on tasks or follow through with requests. The intensity of stimuli can evoke a feeling of danger around us. Our brains might be in a constant state of stress where the priority is seeking safety. And constantly being in a state of survival can lead to panic attacks, high anxiety, or fatigue from feeling stressed often.

We try to mitigate sensory overwhelm by stimming or avoiding stimulation. It’s why you see us biting our fingers, flapping hands, repeating certain words, touching things, or humming to ourselves. Playing video games can also be a way to stim or cope with a very intense outside world.

And because our brains are “inefficient” from having our neural networks connecting to many overlapping pathways, it can lead to overstimulation, confusion, or difficulty learning or doing certain life skills.

Physical Safety and Accumulated Experiences

There are many invisible conditions that add to the difficulty of accomplishing life skils. For instance, are you or your neurodivergent person clumsy? Because of a difference in proprioception in our bodies, we may live in a body that does not respond quickly to outside stimulation so we trip on things, fall, griip things too loosely or tightly, drop items often, bump our heads into cabinets, or lose balance for “no reason.” It can be a dangerous place for the extra clumsy where part of our brain power is being used to not fall or drop something when a typical person doesn’t have to use extra brain power to do the same thing.

So our reserves are being drained more quickly because our bodies aren’t calibrated with the environment. Over time, we may also implicitly or explicitly get the message that the world is an unsafe place. (All the accidents, tripping, falling, and bumping into things over the years may be another reason why we seek comfort inside and with video games) It’s safe inside!

Chronic and (Unnamed) Conditions

Being in the Neurodiversity Affirmative Therapists and other (Actually) Autistic Facebook groups for several years I’ve observed seeing stories of certain conditions paired with having divergent neurotypes. Some are:

• POTS Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome

• Autoimmune conditions like Celiac disease, inflammatory bowel disease (IBS), psoriasis

• Chronic fatigue syndrome

• Ehler Danlos Syndrome (EDS)

• Poor Interoception — inability to sense hunger and thirst cues, how our body responds to stimulation, correlated with an inability to identify emotions and self regulate

• Learning Disabilities like Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, Dyslexia

These conditions (and more) contribute to the complex inner workings of a person who could be trying every day to manage pain and flare-ups in addition to accomplishing daily tasks. The medical part, especially when undiagnosed or identified, can make someone feel like they have no language to explain why they’re so tired, have brain fog, feel pain, or can’t do something at the moment when other people can.

Bullying, Misunderstandings

When you’re different, you can be a target for bullying and jokes. People could think it’s lighthearted to take jabs at someone for being different, but again, years of people making comments about how you communicate, your habits, interests, and the way you dress add up. It’s not fun being the target for jokes at every social gathering or having a feeling you’re being made fun of, but you can’t really understand why either.

It’s safer and more enjoyable being home playing games. Your online friends or video game characters won’t betray you. They’ll always be there.

When you’re misunderstood often, without the language to communicate needs or your inner experiences, it can feel like being between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes or many times, people may get frustrated over your way of thinking or processing stimulation where they think you’re acting out or attention seeking instead of getting tasks done. Behind the surface of a tantrum or looking “noncompliant” could be:

• Sensory or emotional overwhelm

• Not understanding the directions

• Foundational skills other people learn without being taught, we need to be taught so we are perpetually confused and making mistakes

• Not knowing how to use a tool

• Forgetting how to do something

• Auditory processing differences

• Fatigue or pain from chronic conditions associated with neurodivergence (but not always known or diagnosed)

• Shame from being told again and again how to do something but not getting it

• A trauma response with having a hypervigilant brain and body

Shame & Mistakes

• “Stop asking again. I already told you how to do it!”

• “Put your hands down. It’s awkward when you do that.” (When we attempt to stim to self regulate)

• “That was SO EASY. How did you make these mistakes?”

• “Don’t talk about X subjects to anyone at the party, okay? I don’t want to be embarrassed.”

• “Why are you repeating what I just said? Think inside your head!”

• You’re not overwhelmed. You’re being sensitive and lazy. Just do it!”

It’s frustrating when a loved one doesn’t understand something like a homework lesson, or social etiquette. Especially when you’ve told them over and over again how to do something. The accumulated misunderstandings and comments can lead to shame. It’s difficult to move forward in life and grow when loved ones and society tell us demoralizing messages and don’t always believe our lived experiences.

Social Model of Disability (wikipedia)

The frustrating and disappointing layers of being neurodivergent include fighting institutions like education, medicine, and social spaces to honor the needs, struggles, and different lived experiences of others. Seeking accommodations, inclusion, and equity at any part of life can be overwhelming. You are already a marginalized and vulnerable person and have to provide proof of a need when it should be the other way around.

Asking vulnerable people to go through hoops to receive aid is the opposite of a nurturing society. It is another reason and system why disabled and neurodivergent people are seen as potential burdens of society.

The message perpetuates and can become our identities: If we cannot function and provide economic value to a certain degree, we are equated with being less than others, and we are seen as useless. People bully us, and the systems themselves do not support us. With this societal message and internalized identity, why would some of us want to go outside of video games?

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Using Gaming to Support Life Skills Development

If so many of us are using games to escape a world that doesn’t support or accept us, why not use these same games to develop life skills?

The REFRAME: With guidance and compassion, we can use the things our loved ones enjoy to practice different skills. Highlighting moments when you see the skill being used can help a gamer see a bigger picture of how to use their interests to grow. It is building a new lens of intention and positive play.

In the same way an athlete needs a coach, a gamer needs guidance on how to perform to their best abilities. A gamer also needs a coach or guide on how to use games to develop intangible life skills.

• Winning & Losing: This is a part of life. The hard part is getting up and doing it again, whether you win or lose. Games can offer great life lessons and sometimes we just need someone to help point them out. Just like being a good sport, the passion and joy come from the game itself and being a better player each time.

• Communication: Games can be used as topics of conversation and they can be opportunities to communicate within the games themselves. Some of us are more comfortable communicating through text or a headset, or with avatars. All these forms of communication are valid, and can help connect your gamer to community.

  • Twitch and other streaming communities also offer a form of parallel play that is comforting and less intense or demanding than in-person socialization. This is a very valid form of connection that can help people feel part of something bigger.

• Planning and Prioritization: Some games require methodical planning to complete difficult dungeons or quests. This is a great way for seeing how your gamer plans and prioritizes tasks in a safe environment. When this executive function skill is not well developed, there could be big mistakes made when unable to plan. Practicing multiple times through a game can offer an easier time to bounce back when mistakes are made.

• Problem Solving: Some games are hard. There are big maps to navigate and confusing directions to follow. Luckily there are wikis and communities to find answers. When you feel like life outside is difficult to navigate and figure out, successfully problem solving in a game can help build confidence to try problem in different areas of life. Pointing out this skill with specific moments in-game can help your gamer remember that they can solve problems!

• Helping Others, Asking for Help: In multiplayer games, there are options to help others. When socialization could be more difficult outside the game, this virtual experience offers an opportunity to practice safely communicating and seeking support from people with similar interests. In multiplayer games, many seasoned players help people. If your gamer is very good at their game, they also have the option to help noobs (people who aren’t so good). This can build a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

• Trying Again After Failure: Trying again after a failure in video games could be easier than in the outside world. Building the habit of trying again virtually can help someone feel more comfortable with taking this skill to other parts of life. When your gamer has a difficult time trying things in “real life” try introducing new types of games over time, and see how they try again with the games they like. Use these observations as a mirror to support praising or objectively noting these experiences.

• Following Directions: The differently wired brain may sometimes come with auditory processing or learning differences that make following directions difficult. To build self-esteem, gaming can offer extra practice with following directions successfully. Again, the loved one’s job is to point out these moments of success so your gamer has some evidence that they are capable of trying again.

• Channeling Difficult Emotions: Gamers have to exhibit a certain degree of self-control and focus to win games. Before playing, a person can coach or practice self-regulating exercises with their gamer so the skill can be ready to access during intense moments. Pair it with how athletes work on mastering mind and body and it can help a gamer learn very important calming skills to be a more effective player.

These skills can be identified and nurtured with your gamers. Video Games can be tools and mirrors of who we are. It depends on how we use them. There is also a real awareness of playing too much where multiple areas of life are neglected. To explore potential trauma work, it’s recommended to seek a gaming affirmative therapist who understands neurodiversity and the social model of disability.

This blog post is a compassionate response to how gaming can be a refuge from the harm done by social systems and the outside world.

References:

• Proprioception — HyperMobilityDoctor IG

• Collaborative & Proactive Solutions — Dr. Ross Greene

• Childhood Trauma: Understanding Behavioral Challenges as Survival Instincts — Dr. Mona Delahooke

• Brain Structure Changes in Autism, Explain — SpectrumNews.org

• Social Model of Disability — Wikipedia

• Learning Disabilities — Very Well Mind

• How Abuse Mars the Lives of Autistic People — SpectrumNews.Org

• What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us — Organized Messes

(Neurodivergent) Acts of Protection

Disclaimer: We all protect ourselves at some point or another. We all use some of the listed behaviors to connect, share, or protect ourselves. Contexts matter. Intentions matter. Although each individual item may be used for different reasons, some positive, this blog post will focus primarily on their protective usage and the neurodivergent perspective for potentially doing so.

How to use the following information:

We have default ways of behaving, and it’s important to name them. Once we name them, we can decide whether they serve us now and if we’d like to keep these patterns. If not, we can identify (when possible) their functions and have gratitude for how they got us to this point in time. We can also be accountable by identifying how these acts can limit personal growth or something else. This takes time and safety to explore. You can explore alone, and/or with people you trust.

Many of us ask the questions “Why?” and “How"?” things came to be, and the reasons for things that we do. A simple answer for complex life experiences could be we do some things to protect ourselves. From what? It depends. We feel safe in different environments and with different people. As you read these brief descriptions, use your experiences and the themes that pop up to guide you in determining what it is you needed protection from. It could be a guess, or it could be something you know for sure.

As you examine this part of protection and safety, it can lead to self-advocacy, creating more safety, and claiming boundaries with others.

Loved Ones and Professionals Working with Neurodivergent Communities:

Please take this information as a lens of how we struggle. See this as a potential way that we are coping and communicating. Please help advocate for us by listening to the ways we may be protecting ourselves and building safety and structural changes that allow us to feel safer to exist.

Uplift our voices. Listen to our perspectives. Expand definitions of what it means to live with purpose, respect, and autonomy.

Some Acts of Protection:

Remember, some of these acts can be forms of communication, love, and play. They can also be forms of protection depending on individual circumstances.

A red and mint colored fire hydrant gushing lots of water with grass in the background, text reads “info dumping as protection”

• Info dumping: Sharing about a special interest or topic where you control the conversation.

  • Info dumping is a valid form of communication and connection. It’s sharing details, stories, and fun facts of specific interests that speak to your curiosity heart. The most interesting things that bring you joy, you want to share with others!

  • There is safety in controlling the conversation. When you are unsure of social norms and topics neurotypical people talk about, info dumping can be a way to participate in conversations.

  • You don’t have to deal with the consequences of feeling awkward, saying the “wrong thing” or freezing because you don’t know how to respond.

  • Info dumping can protect you from feeling rejected and embarrassed when you don’t know what to say in social exchanges.

orange kitten and puppy sleeping, text reads “not taking action as protection”

• Not Taking Action, Staying Still aka Self Sabotage

  • Because we learn and do things divergently, we can have a history of being seen as perpetual failures. We’re “doing it wrong” whatever “IT” may be in the eyes of others.

  • We actually learn and fill many “cups” of knowledge over time, so the results are more in-depth and complex when given the time to organically learn and apply knowledge. Our projects can be novel and creative when we have the right time and freedom.

  • And because of our inability to do certain tasks or skills like other people, we may have learned creative ways to accomplish things that work for us OR NOT. Sometimes we don’t have the skills to get something done.

  • Unfortunately, life and society are not supportive of this way of existing. To protect ourselves from being seen as failures and not “sticking” to things (even though it all adds to the bigger picture), we stop doing things.

  • We avoid the mockery, disappointing others over and over again, feeling the pain of not being perfect (because we’re so smart or have so much potential)

  • We could also enjoy thinking as a hobby instead of creating any “product”. Typical people could consider this a waste of time or potential. To again, bypass others’ disappointment or frustrations with us, we could hide our thoughts and appear like we “aren’t doing anything.”

A yellow boot on a wheel of a bright blue care, text reads “not taking action as protection”

• Another component of not taking action is being comfortable with the stagnation you’re in. This is universal.

• As we think about life cycles and wanting to change, we can sabotage or prolong things because it’s super comfortable knowing what you know, even if it’s not the best for you.

• Leaping into action and trying something new, even if it’s good for you, is SCARY.

• So instead of moving toward change over time, we could lock ourselves in places that keep us in an okay place with known consequences.

• The thing is, when we’re here long enough and have access to tools, we CAN unlock ourselves and move away from stagnation.

• When you’re young or vulnerable, you do NOT have access to tools and freedom to get away from certain situations.

• When you are unsafe, it makes sense to wait before working on change. Some people see you as the scapegoat or black sheep. If you change in unsafe moments, if can cause problems in the systems you belong to.

• To protect yourself from retaliation or other people not ready to see and believe your change, staying the same is a safer option.

Cropped image of a person wearing a business suit, holding a pen and book. Judge’s gavel and clip board blurred from field of view on desk. Text reads “correcting and judging others as protection”

• Correcting & Judging Others

  • This could be a quirk and want for accuracy.

  • It could also be a form of protection in a world where people are constantly reminding you what you’re doing wrong.

  • We could be seen as lazy, weird, awkward, socially inept, attention-seeking, dramatic, childlike, stubborn, making excuses, etc. People may not always directly say it, but we could feel it, and we can pick up (sometimes) on how other people think about us. And it can be draining and sad.

  • In order to bypass the focus on yourself and what’s “wrong” with you, you may adopt correcting others and judging them first.

  • We may be seen as judgemental and push people away. It further protects us from painful judgments we want to avoid.

A small wooden structure isolated in the mountains, background has fog and large pine trees. Text reads “withdrawing as protection”

Withdrawal

• A possible result of judging others and pushing them away is being seen as someone who withdraws.

• As most of us are extremely sensitive to stimulation of different kinds, our experiences could be constantly minimized and ridiculed. (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)

• On top of being sensitive, our executive function profiles make certain life tasks difficult when they are easy for others. And that also can be met with mockery, frustration, eye-rolls, and being told we are lazy and making excuses. If only we “tried harder” we could get our lives together like other “functional” people.

• We could also deal with the cycles of grief our loved ones have of us not meeting our potential or mourning the loss of a “normal child” and it hurts to hear/see/feel that pain.

• As we feel stimulation deeply, so do the emotions we experience. They can consume us where we’d rather avoid such intense pain for disappointing the expectations and hopes of others.

A restaurant server with wavy brown hair in a ponytail smiling at a customer. Text reads “people pleasing as protection”

• People Pleasing

• Some of us seek connection and sensory feedback through social interactions, whether they are completely healthy or not.

• People pleasing can be that safe way to engage with others, especially authority figures, to avoid possible danger, being ridiculed, or feeling like a disappointment.

• This can come in the form of masking, suppressing our stims, not sharing what we value or want to talk about and just following scripts.

• There is nothing wrong with wanting to please others, however, if it comes at the cost of losing who you are and not being able to have your needs met, it is problematic.

• When it is unsafe to be yourself, it is understandable wanting to people please and become small yourself.

A tan and white chihuahua with puffy light blue pom poms on its ears. Text reads “entertaining as protection”

• Entertaining

• Another way we can bypass pain, rejection, or feeling misunderstood is to become an entertainer.

• You can make people laugh, make fun of your own quirks, and have a layer of protection from people reminding you of your “flaws and unmet potential”.

• Some gifted people hide their giftedness by not sharing themselves entirely. They may realize being funny is a safe way to be accepted. We may self-deprecate or focus more on our struggles to make other people feel better about themselves.

• Our gifts may indirectly make people feel inferior or angry, even frustrated and confused because of our asynchronous development.

• If we have many struggles in daily living that frustrate others, being an entertainer can also be a way for us to reduce being seen as a burden.

A person holding a bouquet of white flowers and baby’s breath flowers. The flowers are covering their face. Text reads “situational mutism as protection”

Situational Mutism

• We could be told to shut up when we infodump in our attempts to connect and share that we silence ourselves or develop situational mutism to protect ourselves from being silenced.

• Some of the responses I’ve had when sharing about important topics like social justice, politics, the news, death:

  • “No one wants to talk about that stuff.”

  • “Stop. You’re making it awkward.”

  • “No one else is interested in this topic but you.”

  • “Do you see anyone responding? They’re just being polite. Stop talking about it.”

  • “Are you done with your soapbox?”

• We can also be gaslit about our emotions and sensory experiences where we get quiet and decide not to share our worlds anymore. I tried sharing about my inflammation and joint pain with someone important and they yelled at me saying I was “making it up.” I stopped talking to them about my pain and anything of value after that.

• Somehow when we try to explain our pain, sensory, and learning differences to be UNDERSTOOD, we are met with anger, rejection, disbelief, and told we are making excuses for not trying hard enough.

• To protect ourselves from all of these very bad, potentially traumatic exchanges, we could develop situational mutism. It is unsafe to speak your truth.

A toddler in a dark grey dress and red Tshirt crying. Text reads “shutting down as protection”

• Shutting Down

  • Our bodies have cues that tell us different things. Shutting down is showing us a limit of some sort.

  • It can be a cognitive limit, sensory limit, emotional limit, skill limit, physical limit, or a mix.

  • The frustrating part about being neurodivergent is our brains and bodies are on the inside, and we don’t always know what’s going on, either. The neural wiring and extra white matter make stimulation affect us in very unique, intense ways.

  • Some of the different wiring results in pain from stimulation neurotypical people don’t experience. And when it’s not a typical experience, we or others around us wouldn’t know it’s something to ask about or share.

  • The bombardment we face from having to mask or minimize stimming can also add to shutting down, meltdowns, and outbursts. Instead of being able to self-regulate by stimming, we have to stop because it embarrasses others, or makes them angry that we’re doing something “inappropriate or distracting”.

  • We tried communicating in ways that showed our struggles, but they were misread and attributed to shame, laziness, and noncompliance. We determined it was safer to hide our pain until it shuts us down.

  • If this happens enough times, we may be in a prolonged state of shutdown, or it takes so much longer for us to move from shutdown to safety. (Therapy is very important here, healing with compassion, support and affirmative help and systemic change helps here.)

In an ableist society that continues to value people based on their ability to produce, differently wired people and disabled people will be told their lives matter less. We are told our existence is a burden and a drain on resources. There is much pain from society and the systems that fail us.

Some of these acts may be replaced with kinder and compassionate alternatives. For some of us, we will continue using these acts as signs of needing protection. Not everyone deserves to see all parts of you. Not everyone is safe to unmask around.

Until society supports and accepts differences with compassion, there will continue to be the need to protect ourselves, to be hypervigilant, and to question whether the next person or system we go into is safe or not.

Our identities can become highly fragmented or limited when we choose different personas to protect ourselves. The many reasons and contexts for protecting ourselves matter. As we slowly identify needs for protection and expand our self-understanding, we can move from living in survival mode to one of curiosity and possibility.

Protecting yourself is one part of you. When there is safety to explore, there can be a cultivated sense of inner peace, acceptance, or relief to take the masks off. You can live for yourself and your comfort, however that is defined. Bit by bit, you can reclaim and/or redefine what makes you YOU.

Words from Jamila Mahfudh, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

*coming soon*

Until this part is added, feel free to learn more about Jamila at JamilaTherapy.com

Knowing Yourself: Empowerment Through Self Knowledge

When I work with youth, adults or families, my primary coaching interventions relate to helping someone explore and find strengths in who they are. Sometimes the original goals revolve around wanting to navigate this world successfully because “something is off.”

When something is off, it tends to permeate all parts of a person’s life and story. Belonging to a misunderstood community(ies) can affect many or all parts of someone’s life. Whether it’s academics, social, emotional, work, relationship, physical wellness, or being stuck and not moving forward, our sense of self can affect all parts because these parts reflect who we are.

For those of us with marginalized and misunderstood parts and stories, we’ve been told to hide and deny ourselves authenticity to become chameleons to survive in a world that belongs to other people.

When we mask and hide ourselves, we are playing a perpetual game we cannot win. And that’s the truth for so many people. Whether “officially” diagnosed or self-diagnosed (or somehow we just know life is different for us) we see a bigger picture of how hard life is—simply because the systems in place deny us agency and chances to be who we’ve always been.

Who are “we”? We belong to twice exceptional, gifted, 2e gifted, neurodivergent, sensitive, creative, geeky, and disabled communities

Collectively, there are a lot of us. Historically and representation-wise, we have layers of being silenced, mocked, dismissed, and seen in parts. Our everyday struggles are erased when we have gifts, and our agency is dismissed when we are struggling. When attempting to speak up, it could be met with minimization, challenges, or toxic positivity. We seem to live in this perpetual space of not “disabled enough” to be believed, “too smart” to need help, and/or “needing too much support” where self-agency is denied.

Someone/Society: “I saw you successful once, or someone from your community successful once, so you shouldn’t have excuses for struggling. I saw someone else do it, you can too!” “Accommodations will just make you weak.”

Someone/Society: If you have so many (support) needs, you can’t be trusted to be independent in any area of life. Let us able-bodied and privileged people without an understanding of your whole person dictate how you should live your life!

The continual dismissals of our lived experiences could equate to being gaslit where we are uncertain of what reality actually is. It can be “crazy-making.”

It’s a potential space for feeling disempowered and voiceless. It can be a common reason why so many of us wear masks every day. We may become perceived as “defensive” and reactive when attempting to explain our inner experiences, and they could be met (again) with mockery and disbelief. It’s really difficult to explain what’s going on inside when you’ve had a lifetime of people saying you’re making it up.

Instead of trying to convince people our lives have hardships that others may not experience, we become silent and small. We’re not sure who to trust. We mask. We use all our reserves to survive in a world that asks the vulnerable and misunderstood to adapt. So we crash when we get home. We have meltdowns in our personal lives, or we freeze and limit interactions in spaces that are not safe for our whole, authentic selves to show up. And slowly, or very quickly, we become parts of who we used to be. We allow(ed) society and others to tell us what our worth is through external approval. Or it’s just easier to do it this way, and that comes at such a heavy cost of losing oneself.

Something isn’t right. Society shouldn’t be this way. People like me shouldn’t be treated like this. I’m seeing more people speak up about their experiences. I see very slow changes happening. I remember a part of myself that felt joy and authenticity. I want more of a connection with who I am. I want to figure out how to be ME (again), with compassion and curiosity.

Change Cycles - Awakening

After a while, or in cycles, you realize that something needs to change. The beautiful, confusing, frustrating, and liberating process of change can come in bits and pieces, or it can come together all at once.

We are in a constant process of becoming who we were before society told us to be someone we’re not.

And that’s the struggle and fight for your life. As you venture into initial cycles of awakening and change, it’s important to remember that you will repeat facing different monsters and battles. Lasting change involves going into battle, trying new tools and skills, coming back to rest, and reflecting on experiences. REST is essential.

Each time you go out to fight, gather information or explore, you are mapping out a new possibility of your world and who you are. Each time you try this possible identity and life, you are fighting the urge to go back to old habits, ways of thinking, and self-sabotage. This is the time to offer patience, grace, and compassion as we all have hiccups.

The natural process of change ebbs and flows with so many variables. We do not change and maintain change overnight. Even the best of us default to old ways when under extreme stress or uncontrollable situations. When this happens, because it will, it’s time to offer yourself additional kindness for being a human being with a past. Your default ways of coping served you well in times you needed to survive. Now that you are in a process of change, give yourself permission to see more of who you can be. In addition to a person who survived, you can be a person who is thriving and authentic in many ways.

And, whatever this authentic and thriving version of you looks like is also a process to explore. As you’ve spent a lifetime with this part(s) and version of you, consider this cycle of self-knowing where you are starting off as a baby, vulnerable and inexperienced in certain ways. This baby is depending on you for safety, knowledge, soothing, and nourishment. This is an opportunity to offer things you’ve needed from others by listening to yourself. Nurture your basic needs when others didn’t. Figure out what they are by taking these essential baby steps to listen to your body.

Protect this vulnerable part of you and give yourself time to grow and experiment safely.

This means identifying supportive and safe people to be vulnerable with. As someone who may be accustomed to being dismissed and misunderstood, you are now challenging this as truth. This is no longer the only truth in your life. You are empowering yourself by choosing with discretion who is allowed your energy, time, and access to your person.

Things about Change:

• Sometimes it involves learning new things, unlearning things we no longer need.

• Sometimes it involves applying new information to build new habits and ways of thinking.

• Sometimes it involves challenging what you believe is true or how others saw you.

• Sometimes it involves grief for your past self or things you lost.

• Sometimes you change and grow really quickly. Sometimes it’s a snail’s pace.

• Sometimes you will do nothing and that is a win towards maintaining change.

• The entire time, it involves learning how to love yourself no matter what happens.

Rediscovering, (Re)Learning

So now you’re at this place where you know something needs to change.

But, where do you start?

When we lose ourselves from masking or hiding parts because the outside world isn’t safe to be authentic, we can forget who we are. We may get stuck in playing roles for other people.

We’ve probably all changed our mannerisms and personas in different environments. We don’t act like we do around certain family members and teachers or supervisors. Context matters. There’s also the added layer of never or rarely having safety to take these masks off until you’re alone. When you can finally take the masks off…

UNMASKING: IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.

So, let’s break it down to the most simple components of identity and exploration.

• What brings you joy?

  • If you don’t know, what do you want to try?

• How do you play?

  • What are your perceptions of play across the lifespan?

• Do you have internalized negative messages about being a certain way?

  • If yes, forgive yourself for believing harmful things to survive in unsafe places.

  • What if other people were wrong about you?

  • What if they didn’t give a fair chance of seeing the world through your eyes?

• What are some objects or activities that bring you comfort?

  • When you are ready, do more of these things around safe people to unmask.

• Who are your favorite characters? Heroes, archetypes?

  • What do you admire most about them?

  • What are your favorite or most memorable stories about these characters?

• What are your fandoms or special interests?

  • If you don’t know, what are you curious about?

• What did you do before someone or society shamed you for doing it?

• What are some cultural components of your life experiences that are not always understood?

Take your time going through these areas of exploration.

• What are some of your hopes and wishes?

• Who was that one person who offered kindness when you need it the most?

• Where can you safely (re)discover the things that brought you joy as a kid?

• Name some safe people and communities to explore who you are.

• What do you believe about resting “too much” in this society?

  • We all need rest. This culture glorifies working yourself to death. It is inhuman to work without rest. We are allowed to enjoy ourselves while we are alive.

• What did society tell you about being worthy only when you’re “productive” or make X amount of money?

  • The Social Model of Disability can help support transformation by seeing things systemically and affirmatively.

• What things do you need help with at home?

  • What’s the ideal chore schedule, or lack of chore schedule for YOU?

• What does your sensory profile look like?

  • What fills your sensory cups and what drains them, and when does it change?

• Do you explain the way you process information and communicate to others?

  • When you learn about this part of you, it will help others better understand how to communicate with you, too.

Why are these things important?

We’ve spent a lifetime believing there was something wrong with how we processed information and experienced the world. We’ve spent a lifetime becoming smaller and silent where we are not always sure of who we are. Neurodivergent and disabled people are more likely to be abused and develop codependent traits where they seek approval and chase validation in relationships. This is mistaken as love and can be perpetual. Wanting love from someone who misunderstands you or denies your experiences can shape a person where they are unsure of how they feel or even what their identity is.

These questions and bullet points can help start a process of reclaiming who you are. It’s like building a house. Your interests and relationship with yourself are the foundation. How does your brain work? What’s the most effective way you communicate? Learning how to play again, and experience joy without shame can help build a strong home for you to thrive in.

When we chase others for validation, we are asking them to tell us when we are worthy. When we can firmly identify our interests and how our brains and bodies engage with this world, we are taking up space and seeing our worth just as we exist. We can learn that love is not conditional. We can learn that all our parts are worthy as they are.

Differentiation of Self

When you know yourself, what other people say will no longer make you feel small. It can still hurt, and you can set boundaries and state expectations. Their stuff doesn’t change your value as a person.

When we change, we do not change in a vacuum. One of the tests of change is to see (safely) if you can maintain a sense of self around other people. Each individual and group dynamic will change.

*Note: Some people are not safe and you do not need to prove anything to them. Please consider talking to a therapist or coach about which people are safe to be authentic around.

Some considerations:

Change in systems (relationships and groups of people) involves collective shifts in energy, perceptions, and roles. Since certain roles and expectations, and how people were treated existed for X amount of time, it takes time for systems of people to see the change as well as adjust.

Differentiation of Self:

In Bowen Family Systems, being able to maintain a sense of who you are without succumbing to the pressures, past pain, expectations, or anxiety of a system requires “going back into the system” or going back home (when safe). In general, the expectations of others will not affect you, even in close proximity. When there is stress to change, you are able to manage the stress more consistently. It doesn’t mean you are completely at peace or calm around influential people. It means you’ve developed stronger ways to cope and come back to yourself. Other people no longer control your sense of self and inner peace.

Cut-offs or Extreme independence:

When our original systems model chaos and unsafe places to work through discomfort and conflict, we may inherit or develop extreme independence or cut-offs from people. This can help alleviate anxiety and pain, but these patterns may persist into other relationships in life where you do not want to have cut-offs. It can be a default relationship pattern that needs to be acknowledged and slowly worked on.

Some people are safe to be around. Some people DO want to work through conflict with you where cut-offs are not necessary.

Dependence or Fusion:

Another extreme relationship pattern can be where one person is OVERLY attuned to someone else. Your problems become their problems. They want to know everything about your life and get upset when you’re not doing it how THEY think you should. It can become controlling and highly volatile where you feel like you have no space to breathe,—you are always being watched and judged.

Your identity gets misperceived as a part of theirs. They can be seeing your life experiences from the outside, so they think they know how to solve your problems because they are so invested. An added problem here is they do not know what is going on inside of you, and the battle you have weighing the pressure of other people and your inner wants and authenticity.

Interdependence:

We are social beings. The most influential people and systems in our lives create default relational patterns we have to identify and examine across the lifespan. Just because you spent a part of your life having one relational pattern with certain people doesn’t mean it has to stay this way. As we age, our roles change. As we grow, others can grow with us. If you want to change a relationship dynamic, it can move from one extreme to a unique balance of interdependence.

If you cut off certain people and want to grow closer (on your own terms), go for it. This takes time, practice, and adjustment for everyone involved. You get to define and express how close or distant you want to be with others.

It can be a fluid practice where people can experiment and see what works and doesn’t, or needs more practice to get used to. When it’s seen as an experiment, there is less pressure to get it right the first few times.

Homeostasis & Self-sabotage:

There is a power of systems to go back to default ways. When you go back home for the holidays, ever feel a shift in how you are away from home? That’s the power of systems. Scents remind us of old memories. Visual cues take us back to how we used to be. Even people can spark certain neural pathways and muscle memory of how things used to be. And that’s normal. And that’s okay. It happens.

There will be times when you lose yourself in the original systems you come from. There will be times when you default to old ways because it’s easier to mask or show a part of yourself against a system that powerfully wants to tell you to go back. When this happens, self-compassion. When this happens, acknowledgment and acceptance that you’re doing the work, AND it’s a slow process of moving forward, resting, backward, resting. It’s an organized mess. lol

Your change process is unknown, yet it can be fluid, with moments of rest. The same goes for athletes and working out. When you exercise, there must be rest days. There is emotional and physical tearing that’s happening. Give yourself time to rest and recover. It builds resiliency to come back for more work. IF there is self-sabotage, know that this also happens and is common. We do not run sprints constantly. Even if we run marathons, it takes months or years to build the stamina to do so. There’s no rush to get all the change in one go. We are undoing a lifetime of things. We build slowly and sprint when it feels right.

Self Advocacy & Empowerment

When systems and archetypal work create a foundation for self-understanding, there is this concurrent nudge for self-advocacy and personal empowerment.

When you know more of who you are, and can maintain this sense of self around influential people and spaces, you also develop a stronger voice. As sensitive, misunderstood people, we might have grown up feeling silenced, ignored, or having to scream for our validation/needs.

Self-advocacy and empowerment are a little different where you stand firmly in your truths and can communicate expectations and needs without feeling small. Defensiveness dissipates.

And sometimes when you’re speaking your truth, other sensitive, neurodivergent, or creative people may be watching. They’re taking mental notes of your authenticity and voice. It permeates their being and they start exploring who they are, too.

Safety in Community, Uplifting Others

A ripple effect can happen where your authenticity catalyzes authentic expression in others.

“Someone like me feels safe to be themselves, and they’re figuring it out in vulnerable ways. They’re falling apart at times, but also coming back with strength and more of who they are! They are taking up space!”

So an invisible army forms because we mirror one another. We see the truth in each other’s stories and honor the beauty of divergence. Because we decided to take leaps of faith to step into our power and take up space, others will, too. When we continue to take up space authentically, society will adjust. The misperceptions of difference will change.

Does this mean society changes now? No, but with enough of us, it will.

Reading Recommendations:

• The Hero’s Journey of Neurodivergence Self-Acceptance - Katy Higgens Lee

• Jean Shinoda Bolen (archetypes)

• Caroline Myss (archetypes)

• Unmasking Autism - Devon Price, PhD

• Super Better - Jane McGonigal, PhD

• We are Not Broken - Eric Garcia

• The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills - Sonny Jane Wise

• Interoception Awesomeness - Kelly Mahler, Occupational Therapist
  
  
  
  

8 Play Personalities: Video Games to Consider for Each Type

This is a very short list of play personality descriptions and some correlating games to look into. If you know any games that could support a certain play personality, please share in the COMMENTS!

Archetypes are everywhere~ When we are gamers or have gamers in our lives, it can be confusing and overwhelming attempting to understand the merit and strength of an unknown world. With individual balance and perspective can we and gamers in our lives learn to identify what their personal preferences are. If we have one play personality, people with different preferences may be misperceived as spending their time “incorrectly or haphazardly.” It’s similar to a framework of Love Languages where miscommunications can happen because our languages are different.

This list can start conversations and respectful exploration of what creates and instills joy in the people in our lives. It can help bridge misunderstandings, and also invite people to play with the gamers in their lives. We have different reasons to play and different ways to play. They are all valid. A connecting way to build relationships can be honoring how someone plays and facilitating communication through the lens of play.

Play Personalities:

(Referencing Play (pg. 65-70) by Stuart Brown, M.D., founder of the National Institute for Play)

We can use play personalities and other archetypal systems to identify and categorize how we see our gamers and the types of play that matter most to them. For example, Stuart Brown, M.D. identifies 8 play personalities:

The Joker

This may involve silly and nonsensical play. Many games with funny themes or jokes can be a primary source of joy for a Joker. This person may also become a comedian or witty person who has a talent for finding humor in everyday moments. In a world that is too serious and overbearing with bad news, it’s a great outlet to explore and play games that have a lighthearted component. There could be a theme of life is meant to be seen as a range of emotions, where laughter and silliness are important parts of human experience and connection.

• Totally Accurate Battle Simulator

• Ultimate Chicken Horse

• Broken Bones IV (Roblox)

• Fall Guys

• Granny Simulator

• Untitled Goose Game

I am very serious about wellness, but when playing video games my silly side comes out. Here is a video of me playing Cyberpunk 2077 and learning how to drive. Every game has the potential to bring out different personalities. It is just like tools and perspectives—it depends on the person and how you use the tool or game. I decided to use this game as a playful outlet during the beginning of Quarantine. Enjoy :)

The Kinesthete

This type of play involves moving one’s body for the sake of moving the body. There is not much emphasis on competition, but we also have more than one preference in play personalities. A kinesthetic could be an athlete, someone who needs to run and move their body to express joy. There could also be a feeling of connection with the world around you as you move with and observe (also with the Explorer personality). A Kinesthetic personality could play through dance, yoga, building things, taking things apart, and probably learn best by doing. There can be a theme of move and do first, learn and consolidate information and meaning after. (I observe this with SP personality types in the Myers Briggs preferences AND sensory-seeking neurodivergent people).

• VR Games (STEAM)

• DDR

• Just Dance Now

• Just Dance 2022

• Beat Saber

The Explorer

An Explorer finds joy and exhilaration in expanding possibilities and researching areas of interest. According to Brown (2009), this can include the physical and abstract where anything from chasing unknown expanses of the world, participating in food adventures, conducting experiments of all kinds, to rabbit hole researching on the internet or at the library all serve different forms of satiating the desires to explore and know more. A possible theme for the Explorer could be “There is so much beauty and joy in the physical world and concepts around us. We can learn about ourselves and others if we participated fully in this adventure of life.”

• The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

• Genshin Impact

• Minecraft

• Subnautica

• Best Open World Games (PC Gamer)

• Games that challenge problem solving skills

The Competitor

I pair this play personality with the Perfectionist in this blog. Winning and mastery can become joyful endeavors. You can see this person cranking hours upon hours researching game strategies, practicing their sport, and watching the best in the game compete. There is a rush with being the best, winning, and accumulating points or in-game currency to purchase upgrades and other game-related items. Having a Competitor play archetype can be a gift where you are persistent, driven, and able to focus on long-term goal accomplishments. Playing competitively can also be a way to channel strong emotions after a tough day or channel energy in general. A potential theme for Competitors could be: Competition is healthy, and I have what it takes to improve myself in the things that interest me. I can even be the best in these things.

• League of Legends

• Super Smash Bros

• Fortnite

• Bed Wars (Minecraft)

• Elden Ring

• Games with guilds, ranked PVP, raids, and boss events

• Games that require upgrades and “grinding” to level characters and armor up, achievements

The Director

Brown (2009) states Directors are born organizers of events and scenes. These charismatic people can be seen telling other kids where to go and what to do on the playground, even as young as preschool. I remember seeing young Directors telling other kids what the rules of the game were, what everyone’s roles were, and how to execute their lines of dialogue. Some potential gifts related to being a Director include seeing the natural gifts of others and helping them shape their identities. A theme of Director could be: “…the world’s a stage and the rest of us are only players in the Director’s game” (Brown, 2009, p.68).

• Simulation games

• Real-Time Strategy (RTS)

• Games with generations and evolution, mutation possibilities

• Spore

• Stellaris

• Age of Empires

• Civilization

The Collector

I notice many neurodivergent and 2egifted people have Collector play personalities. There is a need to collect things ranging from tangible, intangible, and experiential things. Having special interests, there could be a want to collect, sort, and classify tangible things like rocks, toys, cards, figurines, trains, toy cars, collectibles, stuffies, leaves, or fossils. OR there could be a mix of wanting to observe and feel a range of emotional experiences. Backpacking across the world to surround oneself with different cultures and foods could be a form of play.

In video games, like Pokemon, the motto is “Gotta catch ‘em all” where you find and battle pokemon and pokemon trainers to level up and win rare and powerful critters. There are hundreds of Pokemon and their evolutions, so it is very much a game involving goal-oriented persistence and repetition.

A potential theme of the Collector could be: I find meaning and joy in accumulating items/memories and surrounding myself with my interests. It is a way to express my identity as well as documentation of a life well-lived and explored.

This Animal Crossing gameplay was lovingly recorded by Jamila Mahfudh, LMFT. She is a Geek Therapist in California who works with adolescents and adults. She risked showing her messy world to create content for the community. lol You can learn more about Jamila at www.jamilatherapy.com

• Magic the Gathering Arena

• Animal Crossing

• Games where you design a home, environment

• Find the Chomiks (Roblox)

• World of Warcraft (collecting achievements, mounts, gear, levels)

• Any game with inventories and gear sets, pet collecting games, Find the X games

The Artist/Creator

Artists find deep meaning in creating. There is an innate need to channel inspiration and personal inquiry by making something. Many times these art works can be private like journaling, or writing song lyrics to cope or commemorate important life events. There could be experimentation with different combinations of media, as well as devotion to one form of art. Artists can range from traditionalists to avante-garde where they push boundaries of artistic expression and what defines art. An artist could seek to grow by mastering their craft through technical skills, or they could also be more focused on the depth of meaning behind their art and how it’s received by an audience. Other times artists do not care about how their work is interpreted. Some themes of creating could be: “What if…?” or “How can I creatively express my subjective experiences/curiosity/a passion in a beautiful or novel way?”

In terms of video games, Minecraft continues to be one of the most popular outlets for virtual expressions of creativity. Animal Crossing and any other game with avatars or the options to change your avatar or decorate home are great tools for creative self expression.

• The SIMS

• Stardew Valley (You can build and organize a farm)

• Minecraft

• Welcome to Bloxburg (Roblox)

• Fortnite (Creative mode: You can build on your Island)

• Games with avatars and skins you can modify or change often

Above is a screenshot from Fortnite creative where my niece and nephew turned my island into a world or trees and hearts for Valentine’s Day. They were able to use the game as a sandbox and use the tools available to express care and creativity. In this sandbox, there are variable trees, foliage, everyday items, and structures to build your unique world.

The Storyteller

Brown (2009) states that storytellers can be the creators of stories but also the ones who consume them. There is a lens of beauty and immersion in seeing stories everywhere you go. It can be in the mundane and exceptional moments of life, stories can be seen in any game a person participates in or observes. Storytellers can intentionally choose to play story-based games as well. The imaginations of Storytellers are rich and deep. They find refuge in the many worlds they belong to, and can world build in detail and complexity compared to other play personalities. (Side note: storytellers probably also love anime, science fiction, or fantasy types of media)

• Life is Strange

• Detroit: Become Human

• GRIS

• Undertale

• Outer Wilds

• Genshin Impact

• Fire Emblem

• Final Fantasy series

• Minecraft (world-building OR following gamers online — Dream SMP)
  

  Please note different games can fall into several categories. We are complex beings. Although we may have similar interests or personalities, the inner experiences we have are still unique to us. When it comes to learning about and connecting with others, we can use references and tools as road maps. The adventure and process of self-discovery may have detours, surprises, and affirming outcomes. Please consider the information shared as a place to start. You get to decide which information to keep and use. You are the hero of your story.

Screenshot, Fortnite, property of Epic Games

Things to Consider:

• Do I have a negative bias towards certain play personalities?

• Do I give myself permission to play without feeling guilty?

• What are some early messages I have about play and playful adults?

• What is my play personality?

• Do I consider Video Games less valid than other forms of play?

• How can I incorporate playful moments into my life?

• What brought me joy as a child, and how can I honor this now?

• When figuring out someone’s play personalities, which values and keywords stand out?

  
  Additional Content:

• Boonie’s Thoughts on Video Games — YouTube Playlist

• What is a Geek Therapist — YouTube Video with Jamila Mahfudh LMFT

• Why Kids Love Minecraft & How it Benefits Them — My HuffPo Contribution

• What Being a Hero in a Video Game Teaches Us — blog post

• Benefits of Minecraft SMPs (mental health, parenting, education) — YouTube Video

• Level Up Your Life! — (I ramble about my educational background, interests, and work) Geekoscopy Podcast
  
  

San Diego Comic-con Special Edition 2021

I am super excited to be part of San Diego Comic-Con Special Edition! With my colleagues, we will share on X-men as an allegory for the marginalized. The X-Men cartoons, comics, and films have impacted generations of people who feel like outcasts and perpetually misunderstood. Some of us grew up in environments where our unique gifts and innate traits were perceived as threats to those who did not understand. Some of us grew up with the message that being different is a burden and something that makes us broken. We learned that we were only accepted if we hid parts of who we were, we masked who we truly were and hid behind shame and fears of rejection. We may have lived for the approval of others, and it created feelings of self-hatred, confusion, sadness, anxiety, anger, or resentment.

Xmen and other references have been the source of escape, healing, and empowerment for so many. Knowing that there is beauty in diversity and increased representation, we can learn to cultivate acceptance for our unique differences as well as see others more wholly and compassionately. Many times we fear what we do not understand, and that can make countless people feel less than. It can create cycles of misunderstanding, pain, and rejection.

As pop culture has evolved in terms of diversity, inclusion, and antiracist practices, it is important to honor where we come from. This panel will explore the personal narratives and insights of Leo Partible, Tara Avery, Lorran Garrison, and Boontarika Sripom (me). We will share on perspectives of BIPOC, Neurodivergent, and LGBTQIA community members and professionals in the creative industry, educational, mental health, and helping professions.

We will also remind and highlight spaces that offer solace and community to geeks and misunderstood. Comic shops, cons, meetups, Discords, online games, a friend’s house to play D&D—these are all hubs for safety and escape from a world that reminds us too often that we are “broken". Being misunderstood is not the same.

We get that reminder when we find community, that there are others like us. There is hope to thrive when our experiences are honored.

How to Apply the X-men & Other References: Learning & Supporting the Needs of the Neurodiverse, BIPOC, & LGBTQIA+

Sunday November 28 1-2pm, Room 2

San Diego Comic-Con Special Edition

SOCIALS:

Lorran Garrison, School Psychologist Instagram

Leo Partible (Storyteller, Film, Comics, Music+) Instagram

• www.matchmademovie.com

Tara Avery (Stacked Deck Press) Instagram

• www.stackeddeckpress.com

Boontarika Sripom (Therapy-Informed Life Coach) Instagram

• www.organizedmesses.com

X-Men ‘97 logo, Marvel Studios

UPDATE!: X-Men ‘97 is coming to Disney+

This panel will also help celebrate X-Men ‘97 coming to Disney+ in 2023. The animated series empowered generations of people who felt misunderstood. Many of us continue to feel misunderstood, like mutants. We attempt to speak our truths and seek safety in community. Having shared narratives of difference, compassion, struggle, survival, and thriving are what makes X-Men and other heroic sagas so influential and lasting.

We see ourselves when we need to be seen. We see possibility to fight for who we are, and that others have and will go through similar battles just to exist. We also see that there are those who will stand up and fight for others, uplift, mentor, and protect.

Here’s to another generation of mutants being able to embrace their differences in a world that isn’t always made for us. Here’s to hope that we continue finding one another to create our own schools for gifted youngsters.

How to Create Safe Spaces in the Geek Community During Traumatic Times: Survive the Zombie (Covid) Apocalypse (Lorran Garrison, Robert Rice, & Jamila Mahfudh)

How to Create Safe Spaces in the Geek Community During Traumatic Times: Survive the Zombie (Covid) Apocalypse

Saturday November 27th 1-2 pm Room 2

My colleagues Lorran Garrison & Jamila Mahfudh are on another panel with Robert Rice discussing how geek culture saved us during pandemic, and ways to integrate back into society after experiencing the Covid apocalypse. We cannot go back to how things used to be. There are things learned and wonderful gifts of connection and story that can empower us towards something better.

SOCIALS

Lorran Garrison, School Psychologist Instagram

Jamila Mahfudh (Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist)

• www.jamilatherapy.com

Robert Rice (actor, singer, co-producer of DemonHuntr)

• www.robertriceonline.com

Shang-Chi: Pop Culture Through a Trauma Lens (Guest Blog by Rachel Wethers, LCSW)

Shang-Chi, Master of Kung Fu, Marvel, 1975

I feel super honored to be asked to contribute to the fantastic topic of Shang-Chi, as this movie recently left a very immense impression on me. I thought it was by far one of the more beautiful movies that I had seen in a while by Marvel, with great depth to the story, and if you give me a few moments, I’ll tell you more about why. I know that my perspective is limited, both in my White American experience on this topic, as my world has been filled with American entertainment and social media, including Marvel and DC Comics for decades. Which means unfortunately, whether I like it or not, comics have influenced my view of culture, and unfortunately they often don’t get it right. For example, the original Shang-Chi Master of Kung Fu, seen here from 1975, full of stereotypes and tropes. 

Marvel has a well-known history of misconstruing ethnic concepts for their own means and gain. At times, many folks have been frustrated by accepting as at a minimum, the blundering stumbles into difficult topics had some sort of well-meaning intention, such as Luke Cage introducing MLK Day, Captain America and WWII and punching Hitler in the face, Iron Fist and, well the story had good intentions, but the White fighter was just SO off the mark. We so often accept problematic storylines when it’s not our culture represented, and remain silent. There have been many similar issues through the years, whether well-meaning and miseducated, or conglomerates just simply not taking the time to understand the community and culture of their consumers. Even more so, by not having creators of content who represented the wide variety within their interested public. And then there are the ongoing tensions between creators and editors on the ground over what would and should be published, which continues to fuel tension at Comicon panels even today. 

Director Destin Daniel Cretton & Lead Actor Simu Liu [WALT DISNEY COMPANY KOREA]

Differing Opinions in Representation, Beauty and Curiosity

Reading and listening to the varying AAPI (Asian American and Pacific Islander) community since seeing Shang-Chi, I have seen a wealth of extreme differing opinions. Ranging from positive acceptance exposure to stereotyping concerns. The sharing of important figures and traditions of Asian culture to lack of fleshing out important traditions and honorary figures. Well known choreographer Brad Allen, who previously trained under Bruce Lee creating authentic work, to frustrations that Asian works must always seem to include Kung Fu Fighting anyways. To a strong Asian American cast of both newcomers (Fantastic Simu Liu and Meng’er Zhang) and famous Actors (Tony Leung and Michelle Yeoh) with Asian American Directorship (Destin Daniel Cretton) but then concerns regarding the varying ethnicities present and accents not addressed correctly by vocal coaches coming from the deep pockets of Marvel. I learned that the amazing beauty I found in Ta Lo, with amazingly powerful and intriguing creatures, was viewed by many as not enough in the surface layers of displaying what is a very deeply layered and honorable belief system and culture, and that of what they did create, was so minimally used in the climactic battle that could have been, with their presence and grand power. 

Marvel’s Adorable Dijiang, Morris

But, I must say, I spent HOURS as someone unfamiliar, inspired to learn more about these majestic and powerful creatures who had now inspired me to add them as additional protector figures in trauma Sandtrays and EMDR work in therapy. I knew nothing about these beautiful and Majestic Shishi, or Fu Dogs, both powerful and yet loving and tender, roaring alongside their warriors they protected. I wanted to learn more about the sweet little winged, faceless Dijiang, Morris, who had stolen the hearts of America and has already been turned into a lego mini figure and stuffed animal for consumerism before the movie had even opened. The beautiful wings of the Fenghuang… They were right. I hadn’t known how powerful, precious, and honorary these figures were until I went down my own rabbit hole in research… which let’s be real, the average person may not do like I did. But I learned a great deal about them HERE, and you can too if you are interested. I can only hope we learn more about their beautiful place in AAPI culture, history, and religion in future Marvel work with Shang-Chi. Because I have a feeling this won’t be the last we see or hear about him or his powerful sister Xialing. I suspect they are setting up the two of them for future further development in their characters in the MCU. 

Tony Leung & Faia Chen, Marvel Studios

*Spoiler Alert*

This movie was absolutely beautiful and eye-opening for me, but the area in which I am more experienced to explore, is the beautiful story of family and trauma. If you haven’t watched the movie and want to avoid even small spoilers, now is your chance to turn back! Go! Avoid the rest of this now! Save your eyes and knowledge for the Cinema, then come back and finish reading me.

Aaaaanyways… The eye of the beholder is going to see a different focus in the story most likely. Some may focus on the absolutely gorgeous love story that develops between Shang-Chi’s Father Xu Wenwu and his Mother Ying Li. Can we just notice for a minute how beautiful and regal she is, and how amazingly charming and handsome Tony Leung is??? Their story overcoming odds against them, as they were destined to have been star crossed lovers, from different realms, where they shouldn’t have been able to meet, fall in love, and create a family. But they did, and that always connects with watchers. But Wenwu’s character has a dark past. He has the fantastical magical ten rings, which gave him the power he had wielded for many years before he met her. Ying Li convinces him to leave that world behind, as she must leave hers to be with him, and he puts away his powerful rings to love and be loved as a man and a Father. In him we see moments of powerful vulnerability, humanity, longing to be known and cared for, in ways we can relate, despite the great power we sense in his character. They build a home it seems in China, where they find happiness and contentment. They have two children, Shang-Chi and Xialing, but when they are still young, their Mother dies at the hands of her husband’s old enemies. Everything then changed. In desperate grief and seeking righteous vengeance, Wenwu returns to what he knows- the power of the rings. He takes a seemingly early school-aged Shang-Chi with him to kill her murderers. And here is where the trauma begins for these loving and strong children. And trauma, especially childhood trauma, is what I know and would like to speak to here in a moment. 

Tony Leung & Young Jayden Zhang, Marvel Studios

Shang-Chi’s story then shifts us to an all grown up “Shaun,” as he now calls himself. Living in America, and seemingly fulfilling the “never gonna grow up and get responsible” fear of all parents, but especially as discussed in the movie, by AAPI parents. Survival in immigration, pride in family, respect and value for education, and wanting your children to succeed further than you have, all play strong roles in many families but are often contributors of AAPI stereotypes. The movie plays to this, and we meet Shang-Chi’s best friend Katy (played by the complicatedly-popular Awkwafina). The two seem to have struggled to find their stride in life and found a close friendship in that, and Katy’s family tends to remind her of this all too often. Side note, as a therapist I tend to find that young people who haven’t found their focus for adulthood yet are usually just around the corner from what calls them. I was 23 before I started to realize the direction I wanted to go. Sometimes we rush the process too fast and then they miss their calling. This especially seems to happen in superhero movies. So haven’t found your calling yet? Maybe you’re next to wear a cape. I digress…  

Faia Chen & Jayden Zhang, Marvel Studios

Anyways, Shaun is observed to have found a sense of family with his friend (maybe more than friend? One can never tell), as he grabs breakfast with them. But they rush off and find themselves pulled into a bus fight (Check out some behind the scenes of this badass fight HERE). This fantastically choreographed fight by Brad Allen and Andy Cheng, both trained under Jackie Chan among other great athletes, will be one to remember for a long time. I imagine outside of a great deal of later CGI work, this was where a huge portion of the money went into production. This fight leads to Shaun realizing that his Father was coming to find him and his sister. We then begin to flashback and learn more about what happened in the many years after his mother died.

Shang-Chi was young when his mother died, but old enough to remember her loving support, beginning to train him in her special art of the Chi, Chi as Shang-Chi seems to say it, seems to mean a form of air energy. Marvel has been reported to say that “Shang-Chi” means “the rising and advancing of the spirit.” A discussion of this is HERE to learn more. Various martial arts, including Tai Chi, were studied and utilized in the training of the actors.  Before this bus fight, one might think Shaun hasn’t practiced since leaving China. Or so Katy would have thought. Her surprise at his ability to fight and protect them on the bus quickly leads to her saying she was going with him to find his sister, and he didn’t get a choice in the matter. For one with such power, Shaun definitely didn’t seem to know what to do with Katy’s assertiveness. There’s a lot of this interplay that is very metaphoric to their relationship and their own self-concept at this point in their lives. One can tell that Shaun isn’t so sure who he really is quite yet. 

The Ultimate Trauma Storyline

Meng’er Zhang, Marvel Studios

As they quickly head on their way to China, Shang-Chi flashes back and tells Katy his story. We learn that after his mother’s death, and their Father’s return to all that he knew, life changed a great deal for the children. We are given glimpses into their young lives, where their Father struggles to be emotionally available to them in his grief, and where he focuses on raising Shang-Chi to be a fighter and to assassinate necessary enemies- at a very young age. After he and his sister became teens, they ran away, to escape his control. Both children throughout the story explore their trauma origin stories, recognizing the loss of their Mother and the dramatic changes in their Father. We see images of a preteen Shang-Chi being whipped to learn to endure pain. We also see glimpses into the life of his sister, Xialing, who after the death of her mother, seems to lose both parents, as her Father seems dismissive of her strengths and needs, both in flashbacks after the loss of their mother, and upon seeing him again in the movie. We follow her story as well, as she has grown to become a leader in her own martial arts training, and seeks to fight for the empowerment of women, and ultimately of herself. 

In both of these great characters, I see the ultimate trauma storyline, of regaining their voice after understanding their origin stories- the understanding and empowerment of self after all that they had been through. As their Aunt, Ying Nan, tell’s Shang-Chi at a point in the story where he is struggling with his training, afraid he might not be able to save his family-

“You are a product of all who came before you. The legacy of your family. The light and the dark. The good and the bad. It is all a part of who you are. Stop hiding. It will only prolong the pain.”

Learning to integrate our experiences as trauma survivors is the difficult work that we do after survival is no longer enough for us. When thriving becomes the cry of our hearts and we long to live and be who we are meant to be. We find meaning in the shadows of ourselves, and empowerment in our voice and abilities as we create and mold the future. A future which for Shang-Chi, breathes life from the power of the Chi. And we ask ourselves, how can we relate to pieces within the story of Shang-Chi? His heartache and loss, his pain, his journey to finding himself. And for a moment, like every other superhero movie- we find hope. Because maybe our lives can find meaning too. 

Finding Our Voice, Finding Empowerment

So how do we find our voice, find empowerment of ourselves, the way Shang-Chi and Xialing did? Both of these resilient young people took back their power by facing their origin stories. Often times this is initiated by life circumstances, forced even to face ourselves and our past in times when we might not have been ready, like Shang-Chi. Or, facing it in our own timing and learning how to thrive, the way Xialing did. Exploring our origin stories, and being seen, heard and validated by those who matter to us, can help us find our way into our present. We have a tendency to not be able to move forward in life until we face the past. The past doesn’t need us to live there, but there are parts of ourselves that do need to be honored within us and recognized for the role in the development of self. Sometimes there are parts who need reparenting, as they didn’t get what they needed from our caregivers, who were hurting and struggling in their own lives. Each of us do that in so many different ways, some on our own with our current friends and loved ones supporting us, and some of us also within the safety of trauma therapy. In therapy a therapist can support us with tools that can help with the dysregulated physical reactions and memories our bodies have held onto for years, as well as trauma informed therapies that can assist with the processing of our origin stories. Therapy approaches such as Narrative work (think creating comic books, vlogs, scrapbooking, gaming, so many applicable options!), ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), IFS or Ego State Parts Work, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing- so many trauma informed modalities to explore to find the right one for us. 

Shang-Chi, Legend of the Ten Rings, Marvel Studios

After sitting with all that we are, reprocessing and organizing our story within us, finding community, or a place to belong, can then help further our post-traumatic growth.

This is why community spaces are so popular- self-help groups, book clubs, social media groups, fandoms, gaming platforms, and other online communities.

This was why the #metoo movement was so powerful. We find others who resonate with experiences similar to ours, and it reminds us we aren’t alone, it feeds our hope for possibilities. When Shang-Chi and Xialing found Ta Lo, found family, the blossoming that occurred for both was clear to the observer. Even Katy found herself in this space of acceptance, and nurturance, and growth.

Rarely does a being or plant, any living thing really, grow in isolation. Just as trees must cross-pollinate, so must we support one another in the development of self and community as we find our roots. When we feel like we belong, and are given the tools we need to be more of who we are, we have the safety and room to open up to the nourishment of the elements that feed our soul. And when that can happen, ANYTHING feels possible. Maybe even becoming a superhero- realm travel, dragons, powerful rings and all. 

About Rachel Wethers, MSW, LCSW

Rachel Wethers MSW, LCSW is a therapist licensed in the states of Illinois, Michigan, and Missouri. She currently provides virtual therapy to children, teens, and adults who come from neurodivergent and trauma backgrounds, often utilizing a geeky perspective with gaming, superhero therapies, and understanding our own origin stories. She lives with her partner, super step kiddos, and super pets in the country where it is quiet and peaceful and bosses and villains can’t find them as easily. www.thehopechest.co 

Therapeutic Metaphors in the Hit Anime Demon Slayer (Guest Post by Dr. Gian Ramos)

About Dr. Gian Ramos

Being INFP with ADHD I spent a lot of my younger years on introspection. In a world that seemed entirely overwhelming, laying in bed looking up at the ceiling, and pondering the meaning of life was one of the ways I learned to cope with it all. As a kid, I loved reading books, but my ADHD made it so that I was only able to engage in books when I was at my optimum mindset. More often than not, anime and manga served as the backdrop for my musings, it's captivating visuals kept my wayward mind focused long enough for me to immerse myself in the complex themes and the writing that often centers sensitivity as a strength. Anime gave me the tools to work on my mental health at a time when both my home and school environment were unable to lift me up.

Today, I try my best to take all the life lessons that I learned in my own childhood and put them to good use in my work as a medical doctor. As a medical student, I made it a point to work often in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Unit as Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is the field that I intend to specialize in. Throughout my years of study I've noticed that, like myself, a large fraction of patients I've had in this setting are anime fans and often relate to anime characters emotionally. Often, parents come to me with concerns over their children's viewing habits. "She's watching this new show called Demon Slayer, and I'm scared that it may be too violent for her." To be clear, I completely understand that Demon Slayer is a series intended for young adults. The series begins with the grisly murder of the main character's family and blood and gore are an essential part of the series' storytelling as demons can only be killed through decapitation. However, whenever I am approached about how one should address this situation I cannot help but think of my 10-year-old self, watching Inuyasha (an equally if not more graphic show) late at night, wishing my parents would one day ask me about the media that fascinated me back then. I am an advocate for showing interest in the media that sparks joy in your children and asking questions while not shying away from difficult topics.

In the interest of framing the value that anime can have in a therapeutic setting, I want to discuss the various potential subjects in which one could leverage a kid's love of the currently incredibly popular series Demon Slayer to help improve your relationship with them and also set the stage for vital metaphor-driven discussions around mental health, trauma, and growth.

• Demon Slayer features a surprisingly sensitive male protagonist

  • The main plot in Demon Slayer revolves around the main character Tanjiro.  A boy with a surprisingly strong sense of smell and a strong sense of responsibility.  He dutifully cared for his family and was a valued member in his community until one day he returned to find that his family was murdered by demons.  The only one left alive was his sister who had been cursed to become a demon.  The way demons function in Demon Slayer is very similar to the way vampires work in western myth.  Demons have a natural thirst for humans that is very hard to fight against.  In the first few minutes of the show a Demon Slayer berates the main character for being "too sensitive" when confronted with the idea that because his sister has turned into a demon he should find the resolve to end her misery by taking her life.  But our main character finds the inner strength to commit himself to the task of finding a way to cure his sister's curse, despite the expectations of the status quo that demand he discard his brotherly love in favor of disposing of his clearly affected sister.
    
    Many of the kids I have worked with have related to Tanjiro's story.  One, for example, told me: "I have a brother that is autistic. I have friends that judge me when I prioritize my brother's needs because I love him."  Finding stories of characters with the same sensitivity and fraternal love can be incredibly validating in a world where boys are encouraged to bury their emotions and emulate toxic masculinity.  Tanjiro's kindness and sensitivity is a theme throughout the series.  He often attracts others through kindness.

• Becoming a Demon Slayer: Mindfulness and Executive Function Skills

  • For any series that centers on a class of warriors or wizards, it is important to read what value these disciplines hold for our own daily lives.  A kid who loves Star Wars most likely would like to be a Jedi, there is plenty of work being done in utilizing Jedi metaphors to teach children about mindfulness.  Similarly, a child who watches Naruto most likely dreams of becoming a ninja.  The Demon Slayers are a group of people who fight demons, which alone holds a strong metaphoric value given that we often define our struggles as demons ("I'm fighting my demons").  But there are aspects of Tanjiro's Discipline that can be leveraged to teach someone how to develop mental health skills:
    

• Total Concentration and Mindfulness

  • Tanjiro harnesses the power of Total Concentration when he fights demons.  In short Total Concentration is a technique that relies on regulating your breathing in moments of strife in order to center yourself.  It communicates an essential skill for any swordsman who fights their own demons.  In order to perform at your best capacity, you must prepare your mind and body and remain calm.  Tanjiro uses his breathing not only to center himself but also to imbue his strikes with decisiveness.  This is a basic concept in both yoga and martial arts, proper breathing helps regulate heart rate and relaxes our muscles.  It is one of the most ancient and simple ways in which one can exercise mind over matter in moments of tension. Talking about breathing using Tanjiro's Total Concentration technique as a framework is an excellent way to teach kids mindfulness in a context that is fun and empowering.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Following the Thread to a Clean Strike

  • Demon Slayer is a visual spectacle.  When Tanjiro achieves a state of flow in a battle where his mind is centered and his strikes are true his blades flow like water.  The series represents this state of flow by allowing us to see how Tanjiro visualizes his water style.  Every strike leaves streams of water in its wake in a grand Ukiyo-e style. During the first arc in the series, Tanjiro's teacher tells him that he cannot apply to the test of becoming a Demon Slayer until Tanjiro proves his worth by cutting a large boulder with his sword.  Tanjiro spends months trying to achieve this to no success.  It is after a long time that Tanjiro learns to visualize a thread that extends from his sword to the target he intends to strike.  It is interesting to mention that while the series expertly animates all of its fight scenes showing how the thread that Tanjiro visualizes connects his strike, the series makes it very clear that the very same spectacle is a result of Tanjiro's skillful use of visualization.
    
    As someone who is neurodiverse, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be able to properly institute goals and visualize the path to achieving them.  In more simple terms we can talk about the art of breaking in martial arts.  We've probably all witnessed the way a martial art expert can set a pile of bricks in front of them and break them to show the mastery of their art.  What we often don't know is that this test does not only measure strength, but also conviction and visualization skills.  An initiate to the martial arts is only able to measure their strikes to their targets, when they punch they do not visualize their fists going through the target for maximum impact.  When you practice the art of breaking you are visualizing your strike going through the breakable object.  You are also accepting the pain that comes with meeting such a hard object but you have the confidence that you will come out successful on the other side.
    
    When I was diagnosed with ADHD one of the most useful skills I added to my toolbelt was the skill of visualizing my goals and the path to accomplishing them, I also learned not to visualize the bare minimum (lest my strikes fail me) but to visualize a strike that falls a bit further than my goal to make sure I at least land a decent strike.  In therapeutic work, this often means putting various measures and methods to arrive at the same goal to ensure success.  It is vital that one be able to visualize the thread that will make sure your blade will strike true.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Tanjiro and his Senses

  • Tanjiro is intensely aware of his strengths and knows when to use them and when to rely on his support system.  Demon slayers tend to have a hyper-developed sense that they can rely on.  For Tanjiro it is his sense of smell, for his friend Zenitsu is his sense of hearing.  Tanjiro knows to use his sense of smell as a strength when fighting and when tracking demons.  More importantly, he knows to rely on his support system when he is overwhelmed.  When Tanjiro engages in battle there are various situations where demons use his heightened sense of smell against him.  They will often flush the battlefield with demonic energy that has a distinctively bad smell.  Tanjiro usually takes stock of the resources he has around him.  When he is alone he focuses on his Total concentration and reads the battlefield sometimes tactically retreating to gather information and strategize. 

  • When he is with his friends he communicates his needs and lets them know that he is overwhelmed and requires help from his friends.  He'll often say things like: "I am overwhelmed by the smells, I'm going to need to rely on you hearing to get me through this fight."  Having a character who is aware of his strengths and weaknesses and is able to communicate them to his benefit is character representation that is always needed in my book. 

    Too often highly sensitive individuals feel that communicating their needs will push others away and label them as nuisances.  However, a character like Tanjiro is a hero that is unashamed of their sensitivities and by communicating his needs manages to be a valuable asset to any team. 

These are a few examples I've thought of at the top of my head, but if there's anything I've learned from being in the Geek Therapy community is that in every narrative there are a wealth of metaphors that we can use in therapeutic practice.  The hard work of looking inward and developing executive function skills can seem daunting, especially when we are working with children.  However, stories like the ones Demon Slayer provides are great ways to reframe a conversation to one of empowerment and self-discovery.  After all, who doesn't want to be a Jedi, a ninja, or a demon slayer?  Even in adulthood, when our inner child is gasping for release, these metaphors are incredibly useful for keeping our self-care work motivating and rewarding.  Through Tanjiro we can learn to be sensitive, to care for those we love, to set our goals and a path to success, to communicate our needs and take stock of our strengths, to be better versions of ourselves.  If we can co-opt these narratives for our betterment why wouldn't we? If this message resonates with you, imagine what other narratives in the vast ocean that is geek culture lie waiting to be discovered, transformed, and applied to our betterment.

Images are used for educational and informational purposes. 

Attribution: Demon Slayer is written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge and published by Shueisha and Aniplex of America CC by 2.0

Dr. Gian Ramos, Medical Doctor & Chief Medical Advisor for Geek Therapy

Dr. Gian Ramos is a content creator for the Geek Therapy Podcasts Network. To see more of his content please check out the Here Comes a Thought podcast (A Steven Universe Psychology Recap Podcast) and Otaku Ryoho (An Anime and Philosophy/Psychology Podcast). You may also Contact him directly on the Geek Therapy Facebook, Discord, or on Twitter at @Psychogonically

Video Gaming: Mental Health Professionals Need to Understand it Better

Guest Post by Dr. Stephanie Haibloom

About a month ago I was at the annual APA convention being held this year in San Francisco, CA. While there I attended two seminars on video games and their impact on clients. The first seminar was titled “A Clinician’s Guide to Video Games, Social Media, and Other Developing Technologies for Kids and Families”. I was concerned that it was going to be all one-sided and discussing the “horrors” of video gaming and the detrimental effects on our clients due to video games. I was pleasantly surprised! The seminar was a very balanced view of video games and even pointed out the POSITIVE effects of video gaming on clients such as learning to schedule, stronger decision making abilities, positive social aspects, etc. They also discussed the ESRB ratings and making parents aware of them. It was a wonderful seminar and experience.

The second seminar titled “The Duality of Digital Technology-Its Impact on Social Interaction and Internet Addiction” was sadly the opposite of the previous panel. Their “research” was based on anecdotal data and one presenter went so far as to claim that video games cause obesity and rotten teeth in minors! I was appalled to say the least. In the first seminar the obesity issue was brought up and addressed by actual research that showed if gamers have a balance of exercise and gaming in their lives they have less risk of becoming obese. In essence, gaming does not make one obese, lack of exercise does.

“Gaming Disorder” WHO’s new “diagnosis” for gaming was discussed in both seminars. The main thrust of the discussions was: the “symptoms” are very vague and pathologize otherwise normal activities and behaviors. This “disorder” also stigmatizes an entire culture for basically existing! I liked the way the presenters in the first seminar explained the pathology of the “disorder”; if you have a person that loves golfing and he plays golf several times a week, for several hours each time with or without his friends, would he be considered addicted to golf? NO! He would be considered someone who enjoys his hobby/pastime and no one would pathologize him. So why are we pathologizing the entire gamer culture? It would better serve our clients if we as clinicians can become knowledgeable about this culture, teach the parents of our clients to understand the culture, and to stop stigmatizing others because of their hobbies and interests.

Dr. Stephanie Haibloom

Stephanie Haibloom, Psy.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills, CA. Dr. Haibloom sees clients from adolescents to adults and specializes in Video Gaming Issues, Depression and Anxiety. Dr. Haibloom is also a NAMA Certified Anger Management Specialist – I. Dr. Haibloom can be reached at 818-835-5198 or through her Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/drstephaniehaibloom/ Dr. Haibloom’s favorite video games are the Phoenix Wright series, Cooking Mama, the Final Fantasy series, and the God of War series.

5 Reasons Gamers Won't Share About Gaming

I am an active participant in multiple FaceBook groups. Many topics are discussed where gaming and mental health are a primary interest of mine. There are stigmas and stereotypes related to different subcultures, and sometimes we may internalize them, or feel uncomfortable talking about being part of a culture with these greater messages implicitly affecting us.

I asked my FaceBook friends how they'd respond if someone (non-gamer) asked about video games. The responses were insightful. I remember wanting so badly to share my loves, sometimes my obsessions with a game, and yet I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to share with someone who wasn't interested, and I didn't want to share too much. In relation to mental health, relationships, and therapy, here are some responses to why a gamer would not share about gaming.

1. Being seen as a child

Gaming is not accepted everywhere in the adult world, and it can be paired with being childlike. In order to separate oneself from these assumptions, a gamer may not respond when someone asks them about their interests. It might be admitting to being like a child, which can be embarrassing or shameful. The tone of the person asking may also indicate a bias they (may or may not) be aware of. 

Take note of your tone when speaking with a gamer. They might be able to pick up a subtle tone that appears mocking or condescending. If that is not the intention, please explore the possiblity of misinterpretations. 

2. They were made fun of for their interests in gaming

Our histories shape us and can permeate our present filters of the world, as well as our exchanges with others. If a gamer were bullied or made fun of for playing, it can make it difficult to share when someone genuinely wants to know. The past can appear very real and very present with many of us, so it can take time before a gamer can trust again to share their stories. 

Time and patience can help develop a stronger rapport. Maybe showing up and accepting a gamer, without the pressure to speak, can help prove that kindness is real, and that some people actually want to know about their worlds. Watching a gamer play can also be a nonverbal way of connecting and building trust.

3. Associating games with violence and the problems of the world

This is a common practice especially when a tragedy occurs. Instead of individual and contextual responsibility, an entire subculture gets blamed for the violence of others. To witness this repeated correlation of blame and the pairing of negative traits like high aggression and violence, gamers may not openly express their interests in gaming. To do so would indirectly acknowledge a possible inclination towards these negative traits.

Sharing about current events, and how studies can and do skew data can help strengthen the relationship. Focusing on the positive aspects of games can also show how you are an ally and curious about the culture. 

4. No one wanted to listen before, so they question whether anyone wants to listen now.

Growing up, some of us may have a more difficult time connecting with and making friends who share similar interests. This difficulty, whether it was in the home or at school, can lead to a lack of practice sharing about one's interests. So when we do find someone who wants to listen or knows about stuff you like, you might not believe it. Instead of sharing, a gamer could deny that someone is expressing genuine interest and stop themselves from connecting. 

Be present with the gamer. Having to enjoy your hobbies, interests, and play with online friends or away from IRL people can make it a slow adjustment to believe someone, a non-gamer (even another gamer), wants to hear about their life and stories. 

5. They've scared people away when sharing "too much"

Considering how a gamer might not have a steady flow of interactions with others IRL where they can share their interests, it can come out in bursts when they do find someone who wants to understand and listen. Perhaps this burst of sharing is overwhelming and the opportunity to share again is no longer present, or the gamer is self-conscious about how they shared too much the first time.

Self-compassion. It's important to slowly honor our quirks and how unique our experiences are. A gamer may not always have access to community or opportunities to share, *really* share about their gaming. Not everyone wants to know, or they can't keep up with all the terminology. It can be discouraging. Checking in with being overwhelmed with information can help pause or spread the dialogue over time. This can give each person a chance to digest new information and know that a future conversation is possible, so it does not have to be shared at once. It's okay to review another time, or clarify what you didn't cover the next time you meet.

 

What Types of Video Games are There?

Ever wonder about the different types of video game genres, or how to describe them to others? Well, fear not! An online friend, David Arceneaux (INTP), identified and described several genres with examples to illustrate each type. Thanks, David! <3 

RTS:

Real-Time Strategy game, a genre where you control almost every aspect of an army in real time in order to beat up some other dood's army, be it computer- or player-controlled. This is your Starcraft or They Are Billions type game.
 

JRPG:

Japanese Role Playing Game, a genre where you control a party through menus and usually turn-based combat against computer-controlled monsters. This is the kind of game that rewards persistence over raw twitch reflexes, as the player gains power through working through the game's scenarios, and this power makes prior challenges easier to overcome. Examples include Final Fantasy games. 

MOBA:

Multiplayer Online Battle Arenas, a genre where you and a team of other players team up to beat up other players and destroy their base, defending yours in the process. This is your League of Legends (LoL), Defense of the Ancients (DOTA), or Smite. 

Stealth:

This genre is like a real-time puzzle solver where sneaking through some predictable obstacle course to achieve a goal is the main gameplay element. Examples include the Metal Gear Solid series, or Thief.

MUD:

Multi-User-Domains/Dungeons. This is a genre that gives the player a text-based interface where they navigate through areas and engage in combat with computer-controlled baddies or even other players by typing console commands. Think of it like classic Zork, but with other players along for the ride. https://www.achaea.com/

Rogue-Likes:

This is a genre where the user goes through a randomly-generated environment to achieve some well-defined objective using abilities/items randomly dropped from the randomly-generated monsters or events, and failure is unrecoverable. Examples are varied, going from spaceship combat game FTL to rhythm-game hybrid Crypt of the Necrodancer, to arcadey Binding of Isaac.

Fighting:

This is a genre where users control a fighter and beat up another fighter using a series of timed joystick and button presses to execute defensive & offensive moves. This is your Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat type of game. (trailer has violence and blood)

 

Horror:

A genre where the player is thrust into a scenario where there is a spooky scenario, and the player has limited health/attack abilities to use against whatever spooky scenario in the game, which range from jump scares, to seemingly insurmountable opponents. Examples include the Resident Evil series, Insomnia, and Outlast. (video can be suspenseful, creepy, contain violence, and gore)

FPS:

First-Person Shooter. The player controls a character where you see what they see, usually using ranged weapons to attack computer- or player-controlled opponents. Play consists of maneuvering through the play area to collect weapon upgrades, ammunition, and health items, and achieving goals, all the while fighting off baddies. Examples are the venerable Doom and Wolfenstein series, and even multiplayer online versions, such as Call of Duty. (gameplay has gunfire, violence, and some blood)

MMORPG:

Massively-Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Games. These are, as the name says, scaled up and networked RPGs where some opponents are tough enough to require social coordination to take on, but also with enough things for solo players to work through. Examples are World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy 14, and Elder Scrolls Online.

TBRTS:

Turn-Based Realtime? Strategy. (I think the RT is a typo). This is a genre where the player controls an army/nation and gets to make decisions in a discrete timeline. It's like RTS games, but built around more analytical deliberations. Examples include games in the Civilization series, or Galactic Civilizations (made by another company from the one that makes Civilization). 

Puzzle:

Player controls a game area and has to reach some goal condition to win, or at least rack up more points. Gameplay can range from matching colors/shapes of objects operating under gravity (Tetris, Bejeweled) to solving equations (Sudoku) to moving objects around a play area to get an item from one place to another (Sokoban). 

Grand Strategy:

Much like the Realtime/Turn-based Strategy games, this is a genre where the player controls a nation/army, but the computer handles all the micromanagement aspects. Examples include Romance of the Three Kingdoms series. 

RTSA:

I can only guess this means Realtime Strategy-Arcade. Wikipedia doesn't even know about it. LOL so, no examples!

ARPGs:

Action RPGs, where timing and reflexes in combat come into play against baddies, as well as gaining power by making it through the game's scenarios. Examples include the long-running Zelda series. 

Sports:

The player simulates a real-world sports game, where the rules and activities are modeled as closely as the UI & hardware can allow for. 

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