Video Games & Safety to Practice Life Skills

Why Some Neurodivergent Gamers Seek Safety in Gaming Spaces

My posts are specifically for neurodivergent people and those who consider video gaming an integral part of their lives. When our brains and bodies are different, there are things even we don’t fully understand about ourselves. We wouldn’t be able to explain to others why taking part in a virtual world is so powerful and important, but it is. I hope to write on reframing experiences to add to how we see others in our lives, and for gamers to have the opportunity to explore who they are. This will help you pick and choose how to describe your world and how to advocate for yourself.

Why We Need Safety to Practice Life Skills

Whenever we talk about the differently wired brain, there will be invisible conditions and hardships other people will not see from the outside. There is a high correlation between sensory differences that overwhelm and drain the brain, making “easy” tasks like everyday living difficult for many people. A lot of gifted and creative individuals also get comments of, “You’re so smart. This should be easy for you. Why are you being so lazy?” When these comments and judgments are given over years, it can make someone feel useless, weak, and like they are making excuses for struggling with the simplest things.

Our brain isn’t efficient in some ways. In other ways, we can be creatively gifted with ideas or specific disciplines. Sometimes we’re considered “slow” because of a learning disability or processing difference. Because of these asynchronous brain pathways, we may have difficulty learning something our typical peers can easily do. Sometimes we can learn and do something with enough repetition (like 100s of times or more) or we are being taught in ways that don’t make sense to us so these life skills remain a mystery.

Sensory Safety

With the neurodivergent brain, certain parts of the brain are stimulated more easily and intensely, and others are not. It’s why some of us feel pain when we hear something other people shrug off. It could be why certain fabrics, foods, or scents can make us feel deeply uncomfortable, and possibly in pain. Everything could be more intense, even pain. Living with so many intense feelings or physical sensations can make it difficult for us to focus on tasks or follow through with requests. The intensity of stimuli can evoke a feeling of danger around us. Our brains might be in a constant state of stress where the priority is seeking safety. And constantly being in a state of survival can lead to panic attacks, high anxiety, or fatigue from feeling stressed often.

We try to mitigate sensory overwhelm by stimming or avoiding stimulation. It’s why you see us biting our fingers, flapping hands, repeating certain words, touching things, or humming to ourselves. Playing video games can also be a way to stim or cope with a very intense outside world.

And because our brains are “inefficient” from having our neural networks connecting to many overlapping pathways, it can lead to overstimulation, confusion, or difficulty learning or doing certain life skills.

Physical Safety and Accumulated Experiences

There are many invisible conditions that add to the difficulty of accomplishing life skils. For instance, are you or your neurodivergent person clumsy? Because of a difference in proprioception in our bodies, we may live in a body that does not respond quickly to outside stimulation so we trip on things, fall, griip things too loosely or tightly, drop items often, bump our heads into cabinets, or lose balance for “no reason.” It can be a dangerous place for the extra clumsy where part of our brain power is being used to not fall or drop something when a typical person doesn’t have to use extra brain power to do the same thing.

So our reserves are being drained more quickly because our bodies aren’t calibrated with the environment. Over time, we may also implicitly or explicitly get the message that the world is an unsafe place. (All the accidents, tripping, falling, and bumping into things over the years may be another reason why we seek comfort inside and with video games) It’s safe inside!

Chronic and (Unnamed) Conditions

Being in the Neurodiversity Affirmative Therapists and other (Actually) Autistic Facebook groups for several years I’ve observed seeing stories of certain conditions paired with having divergent neurotypes. Some are:

• POTS Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome

• Autoimmune conditions like Celiac disease, inflammatory bowel disease (IBS), psoriasis

• Chronic fatigue syndrome

• Ehler Danlos Syndrome (EDS)

• Poor Interoception — inability to sense hunger and thirst cues, how our body responds to stimulation, correlated with an inability to identify emotions and self regulate

• Learning Disabilities like Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, Dyslexia

These conditions (and more) contribute to the complex inner workings of a person who could be trying every day to manage pain and flare-ups in addition to accomplishing daily tasks. The medical part, especially when undiagnosed or identified, can make someone feel like they have no language to explain why they’re so tired, have brain fog, feel pain, or can’t do something at the moment when other people can.

Bullying, Misunderstandings

When you’re different, you can be a target for bullying and jokes. People could think it’s lighthearted to take jabs at someone for being different, but again, years of people making comments about how you communicate, your habits, interests, and the way you dress add up. It’s not fun being the target for jokes at every social gathering or having a feeling you’re being made fun of, but you can’t really understand why either.

It’s safer and more enjoyable being home playing games. Your online friends or video game characters won’t betray you. They’ll always be there.

When you’re misunderstood often, without the language to communicate needs or your inner experiences, it can feel like being between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes or many times, people may get frustrated over your way of thinking or processing stimulation where they think you’re acting out or attention seeking instead of getting tasks done. Behind the surface of a tantrum or looking “noncompliant” could be:

• Sensory or emotional overwhelm

• Not understanding the directions

• Foundational skills other people learn without being taught, we need to be taught so we are perpetually confused and making mistakes

• Not knowing how to use a tool

• Forgetting how to do something

• Auditory processing differences

• Fatigue or pain from chronic conditions associated with neurodivergence (but not always known or diagnosed)

• Shame from being told again and again how to do something but not getting it

• A trauma response with having a hypervigilant brain and body

Shame & Mistakes

• “Stop asking again. I already told you how to do it!”

• “Put your hands down. It’s awkward when you do that.” (When we attempt to stim to self regulate)

• “That was SO EASY. How did you make these mistakes?”

• “Don’t talk about X subjects to anyone at the party, okay? I don’t want to be embarrassed.”

• “Why are you repeating what I just said? Think inside your head!”

• You’re not overwhelmed. You’re being sensitive and lazy. Just do it!”

It’s frustrating when a loved one doesn’t understand something like a homework lesson, or social etiquette. Especially when you’ve told them over and over again how to do something. The accumulated misunderstandings and comments can lead to shame. It’s difficult to move forward in life and grow when loved ones and society tell us demoralizing messages and don’t always believe our lived experiences.

Social Model of Disability (wikipedia)

The frustrating and disappointing layers of being neurodivergent include fighting institutions like education, medicine, and social spaces to honor the needs, struggles, and different lived experiences of others. Seeking accommodations, inclusion, and equity at any part of life can be overwhelming. You are already a marginalized and vulnerable person and have to provide proof of a need when it should be the other way around.

Asking vulnerable people to go through hoops to receive aid is the opposite of a nurturing society. It is another reason and system why disabled and neurodivergent people are seen as potential burdens of society.

The message perpetuates and can become our identities: If we cannot function and provide economic value to a certain degree, we are equated with being less than others, and we are seen as useless. People bully us, and the systems themselves do not support us. With this societal message and internalized identity, why would some of us want to go outside of video games?

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Using Gaming to Support Life Skills Development

If so many of us are using games to escape a world that doesn’t support or accept us, why not use these same games to develop life skills?

The REFRAME: With guidance and compassion, we can use the things our loved ones enjoy to practice different skills. Highlighting moments when you see the skill being used can help a gamer see a bigger picture of how to use their interests to grow. It is building a new lens of intention and positive play.

In the same way an athlete needs a coach, a gamer needs guidance on how to perform to their best abilities. A gamer also needs a coach or guide on how to use games to develop intangible life skills.

• Winning & Losing: This is a part of life. The hard part is getting up and doing it again, whether you win or lose. Games can offer great life lessons and sometimes we just need someone to help point them out. Just like being a good sport, the passion and joy come from the game itself and being a better player each time.

• Communication: Games can be used as topics of conversation and they can be opportunities to communicate within the games themselves. Some of us are more comfortable communicating through text or a headset, or with avatars. All these forms of communication are valid, and can help connect your gamer to community.

  • Twitch and other streaming communities also offer a form of parallel play that is comforting and less intense or demanding than in-person socialization. This is a very valid form of connection that can help people feel part of something bigger.

• Planning and Prioritization: Some games require methodical planning to complete difficult dungeons or quests. This is a great way for seeing how your gamer plans and prioritizes tasks in a safe environment. When this executive function skill is not well developed, there could be big mistakes made when unable to plan. Practicing multiple times through a game can offer an easier time to bounce back when mistakes are made.

• Problem Solving: Some games are hard. There are big maps to navigate and confusing directions to follow. Luckily there are wikis and communities to find answers. When you feel like life outside is difficult to navigate and figure out, successfully problem solving in a game can help build confidence to try problem in different areas of life. Pointing out this skill with specific moments in-game can help your gamer remember that they can solve problems!

• Helping Others, Asking for Help: In multiplayer games, there are options to help others. When socialization could be more difficult outside the game, this virtual experience offers an opportunity to practice safely communicating and seeking support from people with similar interests. In multiplayer games, many seasoned players help people. If your gamer is very good at their game, they also have the option to help noobs (people who aren’t so good). This can build a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

• Trying Again After Failure: Trying again after a failure in video games could be easier than in the outside world. Building the habit of trying again virtually can help someone feel more comfortable with taking this skill to other parts of life. When your gamer has a difficult time trying things in “real life” try introducing new types of games over time, and see how they try again with the games they like. Use these observations as a mirror to support praising or objectively noting these experiences.

• Following Directions: The differently wired brain may sometimes come with auditory processing or learning differences that make following directions difficult. To build self-esteem, gaming can offer extra practice with following directions successfully. Again, the loved one’s job is to point out these moments of success so your gamer has some evidence that they are capable of trying again.

• Channeling Difficult Emotions: Gamers have to exhibit a certain degree of self-control and focus to win games. Before playing, a person can coach or practice self-regulating exercises with their gamer so the skill can be ready to access during intense moments. Pair it with how athletes work on mastering mind and body and it can help a gamer learn very important calming skills to be a more effective player.

These skills can be identified and nurtured with your gamers. Video Games can be tools and mirrors of who we are. It depends on how we use them. There is also a real awareness of playing too much where multiple areas of life are neglected. To explore potential trauma work, it’s recommended to seek a gaming affirmative therapist who understands neurodiversity and the social model of disability.

This blog post is a compassionate response to how gaming can be a refuge from the harm done by social systems and the outside world.

References:

• Proprioception — HyperMobilityDoctor IG

• Collaborative & Proactive Solutions — Dr. Ross Greene

• Childhood Trauma: Understanding Behavioral Challenges as Survival Instincts — Dr. Mona Delahooke

• Brain Structure Changes in Autism, Explain — SpectrumNews.org

• Social Model of Disability — Wikipedia

• Learning Disabilities — Very Well Mind

• How Abuse Mars the Lives of Autistic People — SpectrumNews.Org

• What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us — Organized Messes

Teaching vs. Telling - Executive Function Skills Scaffolding

To help children strengthen executive function skills, it's important to scaffold opportunities to figure out problems. Experiential problem solving with your support builds analytical skills. This is a foundation for self esteem and resiliency.

Hardships happen. When you've practiced solving problems with the safety of a grown up, it makes it easier to try again without feeling like a failure. Telling kids what to do takes away from learning how to identify problems and solutions.

Caveat to scaffolding problem solving skills is times of urgency and danger. There's no time to think when safety is a concern and adults should step in and make decisions for children.

EF Skills Supportive Strategy - Teaching vs Telling:

1) What do you think the problem is?

Seeing a child's perspective can help us focus on what a child needs. What we think is the problem could be very different from what a child thinks is the problem.

2) What should we do first?

This helps map out how a child sees a problem. They might have missing information and think of one part of the story. They might jump ahead and miss a lot of steps. This is good information! It helps us give a child the missing parts.

3) Show/Teach me what you're working on.

A child learns a lot by teaching and explaining to someone else. This helps with planning thoughts before sharing a series of steps with others, and practicing how to explain cause and effect.

️4) Let's see what other people have done.

This is a nonjudging way to expose your child to more ways to do something. Watching others is a powerful way to learn. Kids can pick what feels right and try them.

️5) Is there anything that we're missing?

Helps with planning and prioritization, metacognition (seeing the big picture), and recalling information related to the problem and information available.

️6) Let's take a break to reset our brain and body.

Hypervigilant brains and bodies panic and act impulsively. Help support clear problem solving through calm moments and patience. It can wait, AND we can do it bit by bit.

️7) Do you want me to do anything? How can I help?

Asking for help is a life skill. Having trusted adults build this bridge for autonomy and self advocacy is something all children need for school, work, and relationships.

Inspired by TEFOS2022 conversation of Seth Perler and Leslie Josel

The power of Group Play in Video Games: RPGs and Protecting Others

Every week I get to fight creepers with young gamers in Minecraft and other games. The funny thing is that I suck at most of them, but kids want to play with me anyway. My niece and nephew (or clients) become the masters of their world where a trusted adult can see who they can be and what they wish to explore. By observing and accepting the characters and roles my gamers choose, I am able to better understand their strengths and the importance of these roles in their lives.

I will write in terms of working with children, but this applies to people of all ages. There is no age limit to play and explore through play.

Reframing Video Games, Play, and Archetypal Exploration:

Play is the natural language of children. It is a universal way to connect, practice life skills, and attempt at trying to make sense of the world around us. We see children wanting to dress up like their parents, repeat behaviors and phrases they heard, and pretend to be someone or something they saw in a storybook, film, or in the outside world. Through these repetitions, we can incorporate a sense of understanding, perspective, and possibility into our lives. Preschool teachers, parents, play therapists, and educators are some among many who can use play and the language of play to facilitate growth, but also, to nonverbally understand the inner workings, strengths, and hopes of children. There are many benefits to playing, and video games are one way to channel and experiment in a world that continues to feel overwhelming, curious, and chaotic.

Screenshot, Fortnite, property of Epic Games

Discovering New Curiosities & Adventures With Video Games

In the image above, I am playing Fortnite with my niece and nephew. We are running around the map looking for the dinosaur creatures named Klombos. There are several Klombos scattered around the map, and the kids were excited to find them all. We used our microphones and markers on the map to communicate together. A few things were inspired by the initial dino discovery:

• The Fortnite map is not small, so we had to agree on initial places to explore, and call out to ask for help if we were fighting (other characters or nonplayers characters, NPCs). This is something we’ve worked on. In the past, the kids got caught up in stress where they forgot to ask for help, or they thought they were invincible and did not need help.

  • This modeled and practiced team building, emotional regulation, and stress tolerance.

• My niece also has an interest in drawing and recently learned about the scientific method in class. She got a notebook and wrote down the details of each Klombo and sketched them.

  • This can help with working memory, something many neurodivergent people need extra practice with. Might as well throw in fun ways to practice recalling facts and details!

• Together, we named them. We also imagined what their personalities were and looked for berries to feed them. There was a limited amount of berry bushes so we took turns picking them, which practiced the executive function skill of flexibility.

• My nephew started dictating the descriptions of the areas we found the dinos so we could find them again.

  • We practiced using the cardinal directions of North, East, South, and West with landmarks to better communicate and navigate as a team.

  • Many ND kids and adults have a poor sense of direction and spatial awareness. Practicing navigating on a virtual map is safer and helps with learning important life skills.

• We all asked questions about their relationship with other dinosaurs and took turns riding them in-game.

Outside of the game, the kids were able to start conversations about dinosaurs and find books and other media to explore. Although the discovery was virtual, my niece and nephew created a real memory with their auntie. We got to explore a world together where we found dinosaurs, fed them, and took turns riding them.

Role-Playing & Archetypal Exploration

Fortnite screenshot, kids teaching me how to build quickly (property of Epic games)

There is a power in role-playing and fully immersing oneself in the world of pretending. Especially as children, there may be a limited definition of belief of what our roles are and who we can be. When we are little, there may be an inclination to wish we were part of the rich worlds of our heroes. In games with avatars, there is the element of choice and experimentation.

The question of “What if?” is very much honored in the world of pretend and virtual play.

• What if we could build into the sky?

• What if we had endless building supplies? What could I build?

• What if I were The Flash or Captain America? What does it feel like to be as powerful and fast as them? And when you play as them, you can believe: “I AM as fast and powerful as them!”

• In certain games, we need a range of roles to make a strong team. Sometimes we can choose the same roles. This is a great exercise in flexibility and team building. Each person can contribute important gifts, even if they are “support” like healers and ranged damage. Not everyone can be or wants to be the tank.

• And if you want to try tanking, it’s safe to try it out together.

• In a world of big people and rules, chaos, and uncertainty, virtual play can be a great release and place to practice putting on different identity hats safely. It also helps with repetition, something brains need to learn new skills as well as incorporate new truths of who they can be.

• Outside games, we may have a certain role or expectations others give us. Trying on different identity hats in games gives freedom for possibility. And again, it offers safety to try it here, leave it, or take it with you when you’re ready.

• As social beings, we need validation and mirroring. When a gamer comes to me with any role or character they choose, that is them in our time together. I can offer acceptance as they explore parts of who they are or identities they are curious about.

  Growing up or living in marginalized, dismissed communities can create lifelong masking where we hide a lot of who we are. Sometimes we forget and maintain the masks for so long, that we need a bit of practice to take the mask off. Games and play are powerful and safe ways to provide this opportunity.

Kids Teaching Adults, Gamers Teaching Their Coach

Me literally being carried by a kid in a Roblox game LOL

In this Fortnite screenshot (above), kids are showing me how to build very quickly. I love that I am a bad gamer. In almost every game I play with kids, I have a learning curve with learning the terminology, how to survive, or basic gameplay. Sometimes I never learn to play well, but the kids adapt. They can play with their more skilled friends later. Our time together has a different meaning.

Kids and gamers can teach me how to “mod” a game, create new characters, find items on a map, or finish a series of quest objectives.

The neat thing about playing virtual games together is there can be an organic development of roles. We have a range of choices where I can be supportive and hold items for my teammates. My gamers, who are usually very skilled, can be the main heroes with an added layer of mastery and displayed competency when teaching me.

Additional Reading: What is Mastery Learning Model

When used in certain ways, video games and play intuitively adopt the Mastery Learning Model (I didn’t know it had a name!) where lessons are student-led. I get to indirectly assess for and test out a range of executive function skills when playing together. Social-emotional and cognitive skills are also mapped out where I can learn the person of the gamer with me.

For our hour together, my gamers assume the role of teacher and guide. It’s something potentially empowering and important for those who are sensitive and quiet and have histories of being misunderstood. They can take this feeling and memory with them outside the game.

And when the game is too difficult, I can help remind them even an ancient lady like me isn’t perfect at everything. We can play for fun, and the challenge to improve. If and when we overcome a challenge, great. If it doesn’t happen, we are still valuable, and the time spent together is worth having.

Protecting Others in Virtual Adventures

Screenshot of game in Roblox, party with 3 heroes

With countless online role-playing games there is a chance for a gamer to be someone’s protector or healer. Depending on the individual archetypes of a person, practicing protecting someone could be an effective way to practice and internalize a feeling of confidence and strength.

• Many in the neurodivergent community have their voices and needs silenced, ignored, or minimized. It makes sense why we escape through special interests and the virtual world so often. We can use our interests to strengthen our voices and advocate for our needs.

• Children live in a world where people are telling them what to wear, where to go, what to eat when to sleep, and how to think. It’s a lot of direction. Playing roles that facilitate a range of strengths to support others is a playful way to develop autonomy and confidence.

• In the Roblox game screenshot, my niece and nephew started a new game with me. They led the fights and directed where to explore. “Let’s go here first! I have a shield so I will protect you, auntie.” I was so proud of them for taking steps towards fighting bad guys and helping one another meet quest objectives.

• Make it applicable. When your gamers are displaying skills and strengths, name them. Show them how these are real parts of themselves and that they can be applied outside games to specific areas of life.

Elden Ring Screenshot, developed by FromSoftware, published by Bandai Namco Entertainment

It’s virtual play AND real memories of being brave, fighting that monster, trying something new, and helping their ancient life coach pass the dungeon.

I love playing fighting and dungeon games because I get to see how brave, patient (because I die and get lost a lot) and strong my gamers can be for others. Whenever I “die” (because I am gonna die multiple times for sure), my gamers can fight on my behalf and be a little braver than they thought they were for someone they care for.

We, adults, care for and protect children. The hope and want is over time, our kids learn to be brave to venture into the unknown. While we have precious time together, we can protect our kids from certain things. If and when they face hardships, the hope is that we have a foundation of memories where they were allowed to be brave and practice in safe environments over time. And as life happens, the games will still be there to practice being brave again when we forget. Some of us need the safety of our games to test reality out, have emotional outlets, or escape for a little. All valid reasons to play. It’s an ebb and flow of life circumstances, and using games with intention can be one of many tools and memories we can offer those we care for.

Additional Reading:

• What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us - blog post

• Failing Forward as a Young Divergent Thinker - blog post

• Why Kids Love Minecraft & How it Benefits Them - HuffPo contribution

• Boonie’s Thoughts on Video Games - YouTube Playlist
  

8 Play Personalities: Video Games to Consider for Each Type

This is a very short list of play personality descriptions and some correlating games to look into. If you know any games that could support a certain play personality, please share in the COMMENTS!

Archetypes are everywhere~ When we are gamers or have gamers in our lives, it can be confusing and overwhelming attempting to understand the merit and strength of an unknown world. With individual balance and perspective can we and gamers in our lives learn to identify what their personal preferences are. If we have one play personality, people with different preferences may be misperceived as spending their time “incorrectly or haphazardly.” It’s similar to a framework of Love Languages where miscommunications can happen because our languages are different.

This list can start conversations and respectful exploration of what creates and instills joy in the people in our lives. It can help bridge misunderstandings, and also invite people to play with the gamers in their lives. We have different reasons to play and different ways to play. They are all valid. A connecting way to build relationships can be honoring how someone plays and facilitating communication through the lens of play.

Play Personalities:

(Referencing Play (pg. 65-70) by Stuart Brown, M.D., founder of the National Institute for Play)

We can use play personalities and other archetypal systems to identify and categorize how we see our gamers and the types of play that matter most to them. For example, Stuart Brown, M.D. identifies 8 play personalities:

The Joker

This may involve silly and nonsensical play. Many games with funny themes or jokes can be a primary source of joy for a Joker. This person may also become a comedian or witty person who has a talent for finding humor in everyday moments. In a world that is too serious and overbearing with bad news, it’s a great outlet to explore and play games that have a lighthearted component. There could be a theme of life is meant to be seen as a range of emotions, where laughter and silliness are important parts of human experience and connection.

• Totally Accurate Battle Simulator

• Ultimate Chicken Horse

• Broken Bones IV (Roblox)

• Fall Guys

• Granny Simulator

• Untitled Goose Game

I am very serious about wellness, but when playing video games my silly side comes out. Here is a video of me playing Cyberpunk 2077 and learning how to drive. Every game has the potential to bring out different personalities. It is just like tools and perspectives—it depends on the person and how you use the tool or game. I decided to use this game as a playful outlet during the beginning of Quarantine. Enjoy :)

The Kinesthete

This type of play involves moving one’s body for the sake of moving the body. There is not much emphasis on competition, but we also have more than one preference in play personalities. A kinesthetic could be an athlete, someone who needs to run and move their body to express joy. There could also be a feeling of connection with the world around you as you move with and observe (also with the Explorer personality). A Kinesthetic personality could play through dance, yoga, building things, taking things apart, and probably learn best by doing. There can be a theme of move and do first, learn and consolidate information and meaning after. (I observe this with SP personality types in the Myers Briggs preferences AND sensory-seeking neurodivergent people).

• VR Games (STEAM)

• DDR

• Just Dance Now

• Just Dance 2022

• Beat Saber

The Explorer

An Explorer finds joy and exhilaration in expanding possibilities and researching areas of interest. According to Brown (2009), this can include the physical and abstract where anything from chasing unknown expanses of the world, participating in food adventures, conducting experiments of all kinds, to rabbit hole researching on the internet or at the library all serve different forms of satiating the desires to explore and know more. A possible theme for the Explorer could be “There is so much beauty and joy in the physical world and concepts around us. We can learn about ourselves and others if we participated fully in this adventure of life.”

• The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

• Genshin Impact

• Minecraft

• Subnautica

• Best Open World Games (PC Gamer)

• Games that challenge problem solving skills

The Competitor

I pair this play personality with the Perfectionist in this blog. Winning and mastery can become joyful endeavors. You can see this person cranking hours upon hours researching game strategies, practicing their sport, and watching the best in the game compete. There is a rush with being the best, winning, and accumulating points or in-game currency to purchase upgrades and other game-related items. Having a Competitor play archetype can be a gift where you are persistent, driven, and able to focus on long-term goal accomplishments. Playing competitively can also be a way to channel strong emotions after a tough day or channel energy in general. A potential theme for Competitors could be: Competition is healthy, and I have what it takes to improve myself in the things that interest me. I can even be the best in these things.

• League of Legends

• Super Smash Bros

• Fortnite

• Bed Wars (Minecraft)

• Elden Ring

• Games with guilds, ranked PVP, raids, and boss events

• Games that require upgrades and “grinding” to level characters and armor up, achievements

The Director

Brown (2009) states Directors are born organizers of events and scenes. These charismatic people can be seen telling other kids where to go and what to do on the playground, even as young as preschool. I remember seeing young Directors telling other kids what the rules of the game were, what everyone’s roles were, and how to execute their lines of dialogue. Some potential gifts related to being a Director include seeing the natural gifts of others and helping them shape their identities. A theme of Director could be: “…the world’s a stage and the rest of us are only players in the Director’s game” (Brown, 2009, p.68).

• Simulation games

• Real-Time Strategy (RTS)

• Games with generations and evolution, mutation possibilities

• Spore

• Stellaris

• Age of Empires

• Civilization

The Collector

I notice many neurodivergent and 2egifted people have Collector play personalities. There is a need to collect things ranging from tangible, intangible, and experiential things. Having special interests, there could be a want to collect, sort, and classify tangible things like rocks, toys, cards, figurines, trains, toy cars, collectibles, stuffies, leaves, or fossils. OR there could be a mix of wanting to observe and feel a range of emotional experiences. Backpacking across the world to surround oneself with different cultures and foods could be a form of play.

In video games, like Pokemon, the motto is “Gotta catch ‘em all” where you find and battle pokemon and pokemon trainers to level up and win rare and powerful critters. There are hundreds of Pokemon and their evolutions, so it is very much a game involving goal-oriented persistence and repetition.

A potential theme of the Collector could be: I find meaning and joy in accumulating items/memories and surrounding myself with my interests. It is a way to express my identity as well as documentation of a life well-lived and explored.

This Animal Crossing gameplay was lovingly recorded by Jamila Mahfudh, LMFT. She is a Geek Therapist in California who works with adolescents and adults. She risked showing her messy world to create content for the community. lol You can learn more about Jamila at www.jamilatherapy.com

• Magic the Gathering Arena

• Animal Crossing

• Games where you design a home, environment

• Find the Chomiks (Roblox)

• World of Warcraft (collecting achievements, mounts, gear, levels)

• Any game with inventories and gear sets, pet collecting games, Find the X games

The Artist/Creator

Artists find deep meaning in creating. There is an innate need to channel inspiration and personal inquiry by making something. Many times these art works can be private like journaling, or writing song lyrics to cope or commemorate important life events. There could be experimentation with different combinations of media, as well as devotion to one form of art. Artists can range from traditionalists to avante-garde where they push boundaries of artistic expression and what defines art. An artist could seek to grow by mastering their craft through technical skills, or they could also be more focused on the depth of meaning behind their art and how it’s received by an audience. Other times artists do not care about how their work is interpreted. Some themes of creating could be: “What if…?” or “How can I creatively express my subjective experiences/curiosity/a passion in a beautiful or novel way?”

In terms of video games, Minecraft continues to be one of the most popular outlets for virtual expressions of creativity. Animal Crossing and any other game with avatars or the options to change your avatar or decorate home are great tools for creative self expression.

• The SIMS

• Stardew Valley (You can build and organize a farm)

• Minecraft

• Welcome to Bloxburg (Roblox)

• Fortnite (Creative mode: You can build on your Island)

• Games with avatars and skins you can modify or change often

Above is a screenshot from Fortnite creative where my niece and nephew turned my island into a world or trees and hearts for Valentine’s Day. They were able to use the game as a sandbox and use the tools available to express care and creativity. In this sandbox, there are variable trees, foliage, everyday items, and structures to build your unique world.

The Storyteller

Brown (2009) states that storytellers can be the creators of stories but also the ones who consume them. There is a lens of beauty and immersion in seeing stories everywhere you go. It can be in the mundane and exceptional moments of life, stories can be seen in any game a person participates in or observes. Storytellers can intentionally choose to play story-based games as well. The imaginations of Storytellers are rich and deep. They find refuge in the many worlds they belong to, and can world build in detail and complexity compared to other play personalities. (Side note: storytellers probably also love anime, science fiction, or fantasy types of media)

• Life is Strange

• Detroit: Become Human

• GRIS

• Undertale

• Outer Wilds

• Genshin Impact

• Fire Emblem

• Final Fantasy series

• Minecraft (world-building OR following gamers online — Dream SMP)
  

  Please note different games can fall into several categories. We are complex beings. Although we may have similar interests or personalities, the inner experiences we have are still unique to us. When it comes to learning about and connecting with others, we can use references and tools as road maps. The adventure and process of self-discovery may have detours, surprises, and affirming outcomes. Please consider the information shared as a place to start. You get to decide which information to keep and use. You are the hero of your story.

Screenshot, Fortnite, property of Epic Games

Things to Consider:

• Do I have a negative bias towards certain play personalities?

• Do I give myself permission to play without feeling guilty?

• What are some early messages I have about play and playful adults?

• What is my play personality?

• Do I consider Video Games less valid than other forms of play?

• How can I incorporate playful moments into my life?

• What brought me joy as a child, and how can I honor this now?

• When figuring out someone’s play personalities, which values and keywords stand out?

  
  Additional Content:

• Boonie’s Thoughts on Video Games — YouTube Playlist

• What is a Geek Therapist — YouTube Video with Jamila Mahfudh LMFT

• Why Kids Love Minecraft & How it Benefits Them — My HuffPo Contribution

• What Being a Hero in a Video Game Teaches Us — blog post

• Benefits of Minecraft SMPs (mental health, parenting, education) — YouTube Video

• Level Up Your Life! — (I ramble about my educational background, interests, and work) Geekoscopy Podcast
  
  

Five Archetypes to Examine For Personal Development

This is written through the lens of gaming, play, and archetypes, specifically for the sensitive and divergent thinker. For those who do not have a sensitive, outcast, or divergent primary archetype, please feel free to substitute the archetypes and traits as appropriate. This is a way of seeing your archetypes and using them to grow in your unique ways.

Which Archetypes and Roles are you Using?

Personality psychology can be a powerful lens and tool for learning about your gifts, traits, and individual paths of growth. For those of us figuring out who we are, what we are meant to do with this lifetime, it can be overwhelming and confusing because we internalized the archetypes and roles other people gave us.

What does it mean to internalize the roles other people gave us? When we are children and vulnerable, it can be common to accept what people say about us without question. In family systems, there are complex dynamics where we learn to adapt to survive. This adaptation to survive sometimes means we become something that limits our possibility of self.

For instance, in family situations where our sensitivity was seen as a nuisance or weak, we may believe that’s all we are—SENSITIVE and nothing else. We may use this identity as a crutch, because we’ve never seen the strength of sensitivity honored. When we are in an environment where sensitivity isn’t given space to exist safely, we may indirectly believe there is something wrong with us. We may start to think and believe sensitivity is bad, and that we are bad, too.

We may internalize certain messages that accompany the roles or archetypes people told us we were, or the roles and archetypes we used to survive in situations we had little control over.

Some of the Early Archetypal Messages:

• The (Wounded) Healer

  • My needs are not important. In order to create safety and survive in this environment, I have to learn to (or intuitively) read the needs of others, especially ones in positions of power and control. My identity revolves around being able to help others. If I do not help others successfully, there is something wrong with me.

  • My role is to save people and see what they need to heal and grow. I know what they need and can be a catalyst for change. I can see my pain in the struggles of others and can come from a genuine place of empathy.

  • As a child or vulnerable person, it served me well to appease people with authority to keep myself safe or out of trouble.

  • I have antennae for “wounded” people where I can help whoever needs it. Sometimes it feels overwhelming having this need to help others, but it also feels good to help people in so much pain. My personal feelings for painful experiences intertwine with the lives of others and I get overly invested and irritated if I can’t help people “fast enough.”

• The Black Sheep/Outcast/Alien

  • No one understands me. I struggle to find a place to belong, even in communities that have similar types of people and interests. I feel like I will never belong.

  • I’ve been blamed for the collective struggles of groups and relationships when all I want to do is speak the truth and live authentically.

  • I feel special for being different, yet yearn to be part of something intimate and accepting. I may perpetuate this specialness by intentionally acting out in extraordinary ways to get attention. Or I may genuinely express myself in outrageous ways as self-expression.

  • Due to a history of rejection and feeling misunderstood, I may find it difficult to believe someone wants to know me. To avoid rejection, I may push people away or become isolated from human connections.

• The Sick One

  • I always feel weak and may get physically ill often (without physical reason).

  • People remind me and focus on telling me I am “always sick.”

  • I believe my role in being the sick one in the family and didn’t think I could feel better. I accepted this pain, fatigue, and weakness as an unchanging part of life. As a result, it became chronic (again, with no medical support).

  • Being sick allowed others to care for me and it felt good to be the one being cared for. Or it was overbearing and suffocating having people hyperfocus on my health and wellness. I may seek relationships where I continue to be seen as a sick person outside of my other traits and strengths.

• The Victim

  • I am powerless against what happens in life. I am weak and voiceless.

  • People (or entities) continue to take advantage of and manipulate me.

  • I am unable to fight for myself. I wish and hope for a rescuer to save me.

  • I may not know what healthy, respectful relationships look like and unconsciously gravitate towards people who are abusive or unhealthy. Because all I know is being hurt and a society that harms vulnerable people, I am uncertain and confused about what healthy relationships can look like.

  • Because I know what deep pain from being hurt and manipulated feels like, I can offer compassion and gentleness to others struggling. I can also many times fight and speak for others who are in similar situations, but not myself.

• The One With Potential (Perfectionist)

  • I grew up being insightful talking about things adults and peers did not. I was constantly told of my potential and intellectual gifts.

  • Because I was highly creative, curious, and intelligent, I was left without tools and scaffolds to grow. People assumed I would just know what to do in life. I was just a kid but was seen as a “small adult” or “old soul”.

  • Because I was left alone to figure it out, I feel like an imposter. I also think I need to prove my intellectual capacity without any help. I’ve paired asking for help with being inferior and renouncing my intelligence.

  • I am frozen with the extremes of analysis and overdoing. I conceptually understand nothing can be perfect, but stop myself from participating in life because the fear of failing is too strong. I either over-research and prepare things that never lead to creation, or I constantly edit my work and projects because “it’s never good enough.”

  • In relationships, I may never feel like I am good enough a partner or friend. I may sabotage good things thinking I am not deserving of love because I am not perfect.

When You Have One or Many of These Archetypes

Being honest with yourself is a place to start. When you’re highly sensitive or neurodivergent, you can get the message that your thinking or feeling is incorrect compared to the dominant narrative. This is untrue, of course. We all have subjective, personal experiences of what life is and what our inner stories are.

Systemically and politically, too, there are real complex reasons that shape how marginalized people are treated. There are nuances to disability and invisible conditions that make subjective experiences difficult to prove to those who never needed to see through the lens of marginalization and systemic inequality.

These inner experiences are valid and important. When we try to cope with one role, archetype, or persona for survival reasons, we sometimes forget we can be more. We may think we are unsafe to be more (in the past it was unsafe to do so), or we’ve forgotten what other parts of us existed. The wonderful thing about archetypes is the possibility of becoming so much more~ There are possible roles we haven’t tried before because unique reasons. And now it can be time to slowly try on different roles without expectation.

That’s the neat thing about personal empowerment and learning about yourself with loving compassion. It’s a journey, meaning there is no one right or wrong way to do this. When you are ready, the journey is there. There will be challenges and wonderful successes. There will be hardship, and there will be times when you see how much you’ve changed since you started.

If you identify strongly with any of these archetypes, being kind to yourself and accepting of all the ways the archetype shows up in your life is a great first step. How does a person react to this understanding that a role has affected their life both positively and negatively? Again, with patience, compassion, and acceptance.

Accepting that a role existed to survive in the past takes time. This role can also affect you now in the present. Knowing that you have permission to examine the good, bad, and neutral things this role gave you is a process.

• Journal about how these archetype traits affect your personal development and your relationships.

  • What are some ways these roles protected me as a child?

  • What are some strengths I developed from these roles as an adult?

  • What are some messages I want to tell my younger self?

    • This may require a therapist and grief work. You are also welcome to do this work alone, and with trusted people.

  • How did I participate in staying “stuck” in this role?

    • Again, this may need support with a therapist, and you are strong enough to do this work alone.

  • Which messages do I have a difficult time with? Which messages were lies that I believed?

  • Who benefited from me having this role? Who will also have to adjust to my changes?

  • Which parts of this role do I no longer need?

  • Which ROLES or ARCHETYPES no longer serve me now?

  • What can I say to thank my past and current archetypes for how they protected me?

• If you are sensitive or were shamed about an archetype you have

  • Being seen as your whole self can help reduce shame. This can come from finding communities in the fandoms you love.

  • Learning who to share vulnerability and sensitivity with will also take practice.

  • Think about green relationship flags. Before anyone is allowed to see your sensitivity, who supports you without harsh criticism? Who listens empathically without telling you how to live your life? Who sees your strengths and reminds you of them?

    • Who sees your strengths and abilities to fight for yourself? Who lets you do your best to try, fail, and come back when you’re ready?

  • When you have a corrective emotional experience does Shame stop you from believing that things can and have changed for the better?

    • Ask trusted people to help you see all the things you’ve done to grow and fight for your growth!

    • Give yourself compassion to see and believe in how far you’ve come. It takes a fighter to be a sensitive person in a harsh world.

• Using your fandoms and interests to support personal development

  • If I could be another archetype to grow in life, which one would it be?

    • Look at the heroes, fandoms, video games, and stories you love. Which characters are you cheering for? Which story arcs feel the most personal to you? Think about how these stories are similar to yours.

    • Find the strengths and successes in the stories you gravitate towards. Give yourself permission to be as heroic as these characters.

  • Where is it safe for me to practice loving my archetypes and trying new ones?

    • Video games, cosplay, comics, online communities, making art, role-playing, coaching, and therapy are all valid ways to try new roles. They can be a part of you in these worlds, and when you are ready/want to, a part of you to share with others and the outside world.

    • Draw your archetypes. See which ones speak the most to you, and which are hiding or waiting to have permission to show up.

    • Make art without any intentions in mind. Focus on a theme or archetype you’d like to channel.

  • Did these characters receive help from others?

    • Find your own aides, mentors, and special people.

  • What are some of the mantras or affirmations you love from these fandoms? Write them down!

  • Did these characters struggle with darkness, and cycles of ups and downs?

    • You have your own journey of ups and downs, too.

Archetypal growth and personal development are part of lifelong processes and cycles. Wherever you are along this journey, there is a collective of people who have similar struggles. It can help to heal and grow knowing so many people identify with and believe in the same heroes you do. There are so many people walking their paths, tripping, falling, and getting back up with hard-earned wisdom to keep going. Again, at their own pace and time. Just like you.

Additional Research or Reading Topics:

• Joseph Campbell & Bill Moyers - The Power of Myth

• The Enneagram

• The Ultimate Archetype List

• Caroline Myss

• Jean Shinoda Bolen

• Tarot Archetypes

• 12 Jungian Archetypes

ADHD & Neurodivergence During Homework Wars - You're NOT Lazy, Disobedient, or Slow

Common Phrases an ADHDer & Others May Hear:

“You’re Not Even Trying.”

“Why are you repeating the question? I just said it.”

“Stop doing that (stim or focus activity) and look at your homework.”

“We’ve done this a million times. Why don’t you get it yet?”

This is a common scenario that can be uttered during the homework battles of being a neurodivergent learner. If you’re an adult, you may remember hearing similar statements or having the feelings of frustration fill the room and overwhelm your body. What happens when this exchange and series of messages accumulate over time?

You may internalize certain labels or themes that resonate with being lazy, less than, and uncertain.

When important people tell us again and again that something is wrong with us, we may start to believe it.

It can feel overwhelming and difficult to try again, ask for help, or even want to explain how you think or interpret a homework question. “This person already made judgments against me, why should I even try?” For a young and sensitive person seeking authentic experiences and connections, having this realization can be an obstacle to learning. There is a potential power differential in the room, too. Adults, teachers, and other professionals have a weighted responsibility to see how their implicit and explicit behaviors affect the development of a learner.

This can lead to a cycle that repeats and further reinforces certain traits as a self-concept. Some of these traits neurodivergent learners may internalize could be: “I’m lazy, unteachable, slow, annoying, and unworthy of attention unless I’m perfect.”

So, what do we do?

The Actual Problem(s)

For a neurodivergent learner, there is an atypical pattern of consuming information and experiences in a NONLINEAR way. Being neurodivergent many times comes with learning differences and “inefficient” ways of taking in information.

Is this wrong? Heck no. It’s a different pattern of gathering information, processing it, and making connections to learn. The confusing and frustrating part is that our world and education system are set up for LINEAR everything.

While neurodivergent people are attempting to learn and rest certain parts of their brain and body by going to different types of stimulation sources, the neurotypical world is trying to redirect them again and again to “FOCUS” on the task at hand.

Well, the neurodivergent brain is TRYING to. It’s like when you exercise and certain body parts are tired. It’s time to let those muscles rest and focus on another muscle group or stop exercising. That’s it. That’s the difference.

The neurodivergent brain needs more rest to make more connections because the information is touching many parts of the brain at the same time. It can be exhausting, AND show no “outcomes” because the information is still filling up different “buckets” of themes in the brain. This is where executive functions coaching is important, and learning how to better understand one’s learning processes can help. We neurodivergent people may have to learn and practice exponentially more than neurotypical people.

Certain concepts and life skills must be taught step by step with reasons of importance.

Ross Greene writes on identifying problems and obstacles to growth and success in The Explosive Child. It’s an amazing read and highly recommended.

• Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems

  Instead of thinking our ADHDers (and others) are attention-seeking, defiant, or lazy, we can learn to reframe this situation as a space where certain skills or obstacles are stopping the learning process. This requires having perspective and compassion outside of oneself. Not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone can easily do the same things you can. AND it can be frustrating to see a loved one struggle because you want them to succeed and grow so much. A question to ask is:

  “What are obstacles stopping this learner from learning or doing what was asked?”

  Possible lagging skills to look out for:

• Difficulty with Transition from one task to another

• Difficulty maintaining focus (identify which tasks)

• Difficulty problem solving during (specific subject, assignment, task)

• Difficulty communicating needs (identify which needs)

• Difficulty managing emotions shuts down when (activity), identify which emotions

• Difficulty applying information unless paired with real-world reasons (aka the WHY?)

  Unsolved Problems:

• Poor fine motor control or pain when writing

• Cannot hear or process information with noises in the background

• Don’t know how to communicate misunderstandings (with certain people, multiple-step directions, vocabulary of certain topics unknown, etc.)

• Cannot self regulate during (task or specific time)

• Difficulty transitioning to homework after school on Mondays

Externalize the Problems

When we are able to take a step back and observe situations individually, there is an ability to separate a person from the problems. This is HUGE. It helps reduce shame and feeling defensive. Work towards change can begin when talking about problems instead of people.

Gathering Information

Before solutions can be identified and tried, it’s important to take some time to gather enough information to see when our learners are having difficulties. When we observe without judgment, information can be objectively identified to highlight things we might have overlooked when we are overwhelmed about fixing everything.

Asking Yourself: Is the problem I see the actual problem?

After practicing observing without judgement, and identifying lagging skills and unsolved problems neurodivergent people in our lives have, a wider perspective can be developed. I found it common to see the pain parents and others experienced when their neurodivergent loved ones struggled. It makes sense. We want our loved ones to succeed, and we want them to meet their potential. When someone struggles with something you can easily do, or have tried so hard to support, it can feel demoralizing. Feeling pain when someone else struggles means you have compassion. That is a wonderful human trait.

Again, as the practice of looking for lagging skills and unsolved problems becomes a more common lens of the world, there is also a realization that each person has a different set of skills, gifts, personalities, and goals for this life. We can be honest about the expectations we have for each person in our lives as well as respect how someone may pursue their life path. A stronger bond of understanding and compassionate support can be developed. That can be liberating for everyone involved.

Further topics related to lagging skills and unsolved problems include: coregulation and executive function skills. I plan to write more on these subjects later. Please check back!

Executive Function Skills - Helping a scattered thinker through cycles of practice

Executive function skills - external thinking & practice

Therapeutic Metaphors in the Hit Anime Demon Slayer (Guest Post by Dr. Gian Ramos)

About Dr. Gian Ramos

Being INFP with ADHD I spent a lot of my younger years on introspection. In a world that seemed entirely overwhelming, laying in bed looking up at the ceiling, and pondering the meaning of life was one of the ways I learned to cope with it all. As a kid, I loved reading books, but my ADHD made it so that I was only able to engage in books when I was at my optimum mindset. More often than not, anime and manga served as the backdrop for my musings, it's captivating visuals kept my wayward mind focused long enough for me to immerse myself in the complex themes and the writing that often centers sensitivity as a strength. Anime gave me the tools to work on my mental health at a time when both my home and school environment were unable to lift me up.

Today, I try my best to take all the life lessons that I learned in my own childhood and put them to good use in my work as a medical doctor. As a medical student, I made it a point to work often in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Unit as Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is the field that I intend to specialize in. Throughout my years of study I've noticed that, like myself, a large fraction of patients I've had in this setting are anime fans and often relate to anime characters emotionally. Often, parents come to me with concerns over their children's viewing habits. "She's watching this new show called Demon Slayer, and I'm scared that it may be too violent for her." To be clear, I completely understand that Demon Slayer is a series intended for young adults. The series begins with the grisly murder of the main character's family and blood and gore are an essential part of the series' storytelling as demons can only be killed through decapitation. However, whenever I am approached about how one should address this situation I cannot help but think of my 10-year-old self, watching Inuyasha (an equally if not more graphic show) late at night, wishing my parents would one day ask me about the media that fascinated me back then. I am an advocate for showing interest in the media that sparks joy in your children and asking questions while not shying away from difficult topics.

In the interest of framing the value that anime can have in a therapeutic setting, I want to discuss the various potential subjects in which one could leverage a kid's love of the currently incredibly popular series Demon Slayer to help improve your relationship with them and also set the stage for vital metaphor-driven discussions around mental health, trauma, and growth.

• Demon Slayer features a surprisingly sensitive male protagonist

  • The main plot in Demon Slayer revolves around the main character Tanjiro.  A boy with a surprisingly strong sense of smell and a strong sense of responsibility.  He dutifully cared for his family and was a valued member in his community until one day he returned to find that his family was murdered by demons.  The only one left alive was his sister who had been cursed to become a demon.  The way demons function in Demon Slayer is very similar to the way vampires work in western myth.  Demons have a natural thirst for humans that is very hard to fight against.  In the first few minutes of the show a Demon Slayer berates the main character for being "too sensitive" when confronted with the idea that because his sister has turned into a demon he should find the resolve to end her misery by taking her life.  But our main character finds the inner strength to commit himself to the task of finding a way to cure his sister's curse, despite the expectations of the status quo that demand he discard his brotherly love in favor of disposing of his clearly affected sister.
    
    Many of the kids I have worked with have related to Tanjiro's story.  One, for example, told me: "I have a brother that is autistic. I have friends that judge me when I prioritize my brother's needs because I love him."  Finding stories of characters with the same sensitivity and fraternal love can be incredibly validating in a world where boys are encouraged to bury their emotions and emulate toxic masculinity.  Tanjiro's kindness and sensitivity is a theme throughout the series.  He often attracts others through kindness.

• Becoming a Demon Slayer: Mindfulness and Executive Function Skills

  • For any series that centers on a class of warriors or wizards, it is important to read what value these disciplines hold for our own daily lives.  A kid who loves Star Wars most likely would like to be a Jedi, there is plenty of work being done in utilizing Jedi metaphors to teach children about mindfulness.  Similarly, a child who watches Naruto most likely dreams of becoming a ninja.  The Demon Slayers are a group of people who fight demons, which alone holds a strong metaphoric value given that we often define our struggles as demons ("I'm fighting my demons").  But there are aspects of Tanjiro's Discipline that can be leveraged to teach someone how to develop mental health skills:
    

• Total Concentration and Mindfulness

  • Tanjiro harnesses the power of Total Concentration when he fights demons.  In short Total Concentration is a technique that relies on regulating your breathing in moments of strife in order to center yourself.  It communicates an essential skill for any swordsman who fights their own demons.  In order to perform at your best capacity, you must prepare your mind and body and remain calm.  Tanjiro uses his breathing not only to center himself but also to imbue his strikes with decisiveness.  This is a basic concept in both yoga and martial arts, proper breathing helps regulate heart rate and relaxes our muscles.  It is one of the most ancient and simple ways in which one can exercise mind over matter in moments of tension. Talking about breathing using Tanjiro's Total Concentration technique as a framework is an excellent way to teach kids mindfulness in a context that is fun and empowering.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Following the Thread to a Clean Strike

  • Demon Slayer is a visual spectacle.  When Tanjiro achieves a state of flow in a battle where his mind is centered and his strikes are true his blades flow like water.  The series represents this state of flow by allowing us to see how Tanjiro visualizes his water style.  Every strike leaves streams of water in its wake in a grand Ukiyo-e style. During the first arc in the series, Tanjiro's teacher tells him that he cannot apply to the test of becoming a Demon Slayer until Tanjiro proves his worth by cutting a large boulder with his sword.  Tanjiro spends months trying to achieve this to no success.  It is after a long time that Tanjiro learns to visualize a thread that extends from his sword to the target he intends to strike.  It is interesting to mention that while the series expertly animates all of its fight scenes showing how the thread that Tanjiro visualizes connects his strike, the series makes it very clear that the very same spectacle is a result of Tanjiro's skillful use of visualization.
    
    As someone who is neurodiverse, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be able to properly institute goals and visualize the path to achieving them.  In more simple terms we can talk about the art of breaking in martial arts.  We've probably all witnessed the way a martial art expert can set a pile of bricks in front of them and break them to show the mastery of their art.  What we often don't know is that this test does not only measure strength, but also conviction and visualization skills.  An initiate to the martial arts is only able to measure their strikes to their targets, when they punch they do not visualize their fists going through the target for maximum impact.  When you practice the art of breaking you are visualizing your strike going through the breakable object.  You are also accepting the pain that comes with meeting such a hard object but you have the confidence that you will come out successful on the other side.
    
    When I was diagnosed with ADHD one of the most useful skills I added to my toolbelt was the skill of visualizing my goals and the path to accomplishing them, I also learned not to visualize the bare minimum (lest my strikes fail me) but to visualize a strike that falls a bit further than my goal to make sure I at least land a decent strike.  In therapeutic work, this often means putting various measures and methods to arrive at the same goal to ensure success.  It is vital that one be able to visualize the thread that will make sure your blade will strike true.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Tanjiro and his Senses

  • Tanjiro is intensely aware of his strengths and knows when to use them and when to rely on his support system.  Demon slayers tend to have a hyper-developed sense that they can rely on.  For Tanjiro it is his sense of smell, for his friend Zenitsu is his sense of hearing.  Tanjiro knows to use his sense of smell as a strength when fighting and when tracking demons.  More importantly, he knows to rely on his support system when he is overwhelmed.  When Tanjiro engages in battle there are various situations where demons use his heightened sense of smell against him.  They will often flush the battlefield with demonic energy that has a distinctively bad smell.  Tanjiro usually takes stock of the resources he has around him.  When he is alone he focuses on his Total concentration and reads the battlefield sometimes tactically retreating to gather information and strategize. 

  • When he is with his friends he communicates his needs and lets them know that he is overwhelmed and requires help from his friends.  He'll often say things like: "I am overwhelmed by the smells, I'm going to need to rely on you hearing to get me through this fight."  Having a character who is aware of his strengths and weaknesses and is able to communicate them to his benefit is character representation that is always needed in my book. 

    Too often highly sensitive individuals feel that communicating their needs will push others away and label them as nuisances.  However, a character like Tanjiro is a hero that is unashamed of their sensitivities and by communicating his needs manages to be a valuable asset to any team. 

These are a few examples I've thought of at the top of my head, but if there's anything I've learned from being in the Geek Therapy community is that in every narrative there are a wealth of metaphors that we can use in therapeutic practice.  The hard work of looking inward and developing executive function skills can seem daunting, especially when we are working with children.  However, stories like the ones Demon Slayer provides are great ways to reframe a conversation to one of empowerment and self-discovery.  After all, who doesn't want to be a Jedi, a ninja, or a demon slayer?  Even in adulthood, when our inner child is gasping for release, these metaphors are incredibly useful for keeping our self-care work motivating and rewarding.  Through Tanjiro we can learn to be sensitive, to care for those we love, to set our goals and a path to success, to communicate our needs and take stock of our strengths, to be better versions of ourselves.  If we can co-opt these narratives for our betterment why wouldn't we? If this message resonates with you, imagine what other narratives in the vast ocean that is geek culture lie waiting to be discovered, transformed, and applied to our betterment.

Images are used for educational and informational purposes. 

Attribution: Demon Slayer is written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge and published by Shueisha and Aniplex of America CC by 2.0

Dr. Gian Ramos, Medical Doctor & Chief Medical Advisor for Geek Therapy

Dr. Gian Ramos is a content creator for the Geek Therapy Podcasts Network. To see more of his content please check out the Here Comes a Thought podcast (A Steven Universe Psychology Recap Podcast) and Otaku Ryoho (An Anime and Philosophy/Psychology Podcast). You may also Contact him directly on the Geek Therapy Facebook, Discord, or on Twitter at @Psychogonically

What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us

1. There are bosses and monsters to fight, and sometimes we can do this on our own, find allies along the way, and team up with others. Battling external or internal monsters in our lives can be a daunting task. The great thing about being a hero is that there is the option of going at it alone, or taking a few players with you.

2. In teams, different skills are used by different people. You are not expected to be the best at everything. Some people are generalists or hybrids, useful for many skills. Some fights need high agility or fire spells when you only have agility. A teammate with strong fire skills can battle with you.

3. If you put all your points in one talent/talent tree, you are excellent for facing specific situations. Be mindful of your strengths, and when someone else may be better suited for this fight. It doesn’t mean you are useless. It means not everyone can do everything exceptionally well.

4. Some games can be beaten or mastered in a day. Others take weeks or months to understand. Patience and information gathering is a virtue of a Hero. Practice new skills, and be okay with saving the game for another day. It will still be there when you’re more prepared.

5. Other heroes know the fights better than you. Seek mentorship and advice. Online tutorials are your friend. If and when you get stuck, there is nothing wrong with asking the online community for help, and watching videos on how other people overcame challenging parts. If it’s difficult for you, chances are it’s difficult for someone else.

6. As you journey you will face enemies; sometimes they are big, but most of the time they are small. You always have the option to run away or avoid the fight in the first place. You can keep gaining XP and skills to come back to the bigger bosses later.

7. Sometimes levels are easy, and sometimes they’re hard!

8. Heroes need armor and protection. As you quest and meet others, you will benefit from upgrading your armor and tools. The better the tool for the job, the more efficient your outcome. And sometimes, a really really good weapon is overkill for the fight.

9. Elixirs can help give you abilities and resistance. Medicine is important to cure ailments or we cannot continue our Hero’s Journey.

10. Being Brave: even if you are scared, because many times it is scary venturing into unknown lands and facing big monsters, you do it anyway!

11. Sometimes heroes need help. It’s important to know a Hero isn’t someone who can do things alone. There is always a series of helpers along the story and game. The people who you surround yourself with reflect how strong you are. If you need to be surrounded by better people, search for them. Online communities can help build a stronger community if we choose the right people.

12. You start off as a noob, then you become a pro, and god once you master the game. This is especially important to remember for those starting something new, or shaping a craft that isn’t naturally easy. If it makes you happy, is something you wish to improve and focus on, remember that we each started off as noobs. And sometimes we stay noobs. Not everyone is pro at everything.

13. As in Life and video games, we have the Main Quests and Side Quests. The side quests make playing enjoyable and interesting. They can also sometimes be distractions from our primary objectives. Remember to focus and make sure there is time to honor the Main Quests, too, in a timely manner. If there are no deadlines, have fun on playing all the Side Quests your heart wants!

14. Crafting or buying items can help improve your gameplay. There is nothing wrong with getting buffed in the game. It can make playing more fun at times, and sometimes it’s more satisfying beating a level without buffs.

15. As you travel around maps and small towns, you will meet others who need your help. Heroes can do little things to help people feel grateful and safe. Over time, some of these people may even become your friends.

16. Heroes rest, eat, and heal. It’s important to check your life meter, energy bar, health status reports continually. Stopping to take breaks to rest, recharge energy, bandage to heal, take potions, and eat are important things to be your best hero self.

17. Some games don’t have to be played until the end. If you’re not enjoying yourself, it might be better to find another game to try. Some other games can be completed with the right research, practice, and time to develop new skills.

18. If you die in battle, you can start over at your last save point. This doesn’t translate directly IRL, however, we can note that difficult times in life come in waves or cycles. We have life lessons that may reappear and we conquer it here and there. Facing these life lessons may make us feel like we “died” a little, so remember you don’t have to start the game over from the beginning. You have a save point to reference from. All the information and strategies you’re developing will help you face the monster, defeat the dungeon each time.

19. If we failed a quest, didn’t finish with the best score or died in a boss fight, we can respawn and try again. Yes, life is not as easy where we can reset situations all the time. Games can help us build resiliency with losing, be in a challenge mindset (McGonigal, 2015), and bounce back more quickly from failures or unwanted outcomes. Try again!

20. We start life and gaming at level 1. With experience (XP) and time, we level up. The same is said for life in general, and any skills we want to shape or improve. Every skill in life has an XP bar with points to accumulate until you level up. Sometimes it’s a grind, and the DING you get when you level up from novice to intermediate, to advanced, is so rewarding. You put in work and see the efforts manifest!

Geek Therapists can reference a person’s fandoms to help inspire positive changes and personal growth. Exploring video games is one way to do it.

What else does being a hero in a video game teach us? Please share!

More content about Gaming by Boonie:

• Geek & Gamer Resource Page

• Thoughts on Video Games YouTube Playlist

• Video Games (part 1) Podcast episode

• Video Games (part II) Podcast episode

Reference:

• McGonigal, J. (2015). Super Better. Penguin Group.

Asynchronous Development in Gifted People

This image summarizes a common trait of gifted individuals: asynchronous development. We impart seemingly profound wisdoms and possess heightened skills in particular realms, and then we trip a lot. We bump into the kitchen counter often and forget where we left our keys. Everyday. We don't know how to tie our shoes, or have tantrums because we were interrupted during a preferred activity.

We like My Little Pony and trains obsessively, memorize random facts, and go on binges for information and trivia. Some of us can ace all the quizzes and master language arts and music, but struggle immensely in science or history. We can instill awe of the universe and possibility to our peers one moment, and be unable to read the social cues of when to speak in conversations at others.

We stim, and some of us hand flap. We many times get seen only for our cognitive strengths and denied our wholeness with our vulnerable, intense emotions, learning differences, and physical experiences.

"You're too smart to behave this way." "Why aren't you successful yet?" "Why are you acting like a baby when you just spoke about meta cognition and saving the oceans?"

This is a highly misunderstood part of being gifted because the term “gifted” sounds positive and perfect. Many people pair giftedness with pure genius and ease with learning. Due to this misperception of giftedness and high IQ, we have populations of children and adults who do not get their educational, social emotional, and behavioral needs met. The picture of a gifted person tends to be an ideal student, a high achiever. Because of this myth, many gifted people internalize this identify and push for perfection and mastery, which can lead to additional stress to perform or potentially minimizing one’s intelligence and achievement to negate the burdens of perfection.

According to National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) asynchronous development may be correlated and more common as IQ increases. This helps explain how many gifted children may have dysgraphia or a difficulty with writing in general. It’s not that they are lazy and don’t want to “try harder” to write, it may be physically painful or difficult to write because of their asynchronous development and poor fine motor skill development.

Highly gifted people do not have the perfect brain and body, but myths have perpetuated these damaging beliefs. We are not all savants who will save the world through tinkering away in a cave or our labs away from social interaction. Some of us will do normal, every day things, and nothing “special” will result. Many of us will be ordinary, and it will be by choice, or a consequence of not having our gifts nurtured.

Some considerations with Asynchronous Development in Gifted Individuals:

• Mental age refers to the intellectual capacity of a person at their current age. For instance, a 6-year-old child can have a mental age of 9 based on their intellectual performance, assessments, and scores compared to standardized, scaled scores of peers the same age. Mentally, a young person can appear older and wiser. We tend to pair high intelligence with responsibility and common sense.

• It’s important to remember children are children. Their life experiences are not as expansive and rich as an adult’s, even when their intellect may convince others to think otherwise. The myth is highly gifted children do not need guidance or support. They do. The wants to be nurtured, loved, and seen for all parts of who they are is as real as any other child. Sometimes gifted children are only praised for their wit or intellect, which leads to an imbalance or neglect of social emotional aspects of their being.

• We (adults, teachers, caregivers) may feel inferior when meeting a profoundly gifted child or adult. Questioning information, authority, or word usage may not be a sign of disrespect or a intentional disruption. rather, it may be a sign of curiosity, and wants to understand in-depth.

• Social age may refer to a person’s abilities to engage or process interpersonal exchanges that are typical for their age group. Gifted people tend to be seen as childlike, immature, and at the same time wise beyond their years. A gifted person’s social age may be dramatically lower than their mental or chronological age. This is very common in terms of asynchronous development.

• Many younger, gifted children have difficulty relating to their peers because their social age is lower than their mental age. This can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and isolation, and a widened gap in social emotional skills. This inability to relate to peers may guide gifted children to socialize with or prefer relationships with adults or older children.

• Chronological age is how old a person is. Highly gifted children tend to prefer interacting with others who are dramatically younger or older than they are. This discrepancy with mental age, chronological age, and social age accumulates to demystify myths on giftedness. The profile of a gifted person varies person to person, and this makes it a unique experience for each individual and family involved.

• Overexcitabilities coined by Kazimierz Dabrowski involves heightened ability to respond to stimuli. These areas include: Psychomotor, Sensual, Intellectual, Imaginational, and Emotional. Something educators and caregivers can offer gifted children is the opportunity to soothe/regulate during times of emotional overexcitability, as well as outlets for other realms of excitability. Not all gifted children possess overexcitabilities, but according to SENG it is observed to occur more often in the gifted population. This may overlap with the highly sensitive trait, as researched by Elaine Aron.

• The most common excitability paired with giftedness is emotional intensity where many gifted children and adults feel deeply for their moral codes and injustices that occur. It may seem dramatic or attention-seeking to observers, but is an important part of a person’s truth and purpose. This emotional intensity can present itself as shutting down, having tantrums or defending values when others disagree, or ranting about a social cause or interest. Book Recommendation: Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels PhD & Michael Piechowski PhD.

• Imposter Syndrome With myths of giftedness related to being perfect and not needing support, feeling like an imposter can develop when perfection is not met. When a highly gifted person has difficulty learning for the first time, or fails because they never learned how to ask for help, they can be frozen with imposter syndrome. They feel like a fraud. When the curriculum is too easy, gifted children are never challenged or taught to overcome hardships. When high school advanced courses or college-level work is expected, this may be the first times a gifted person is struggling. To struggle in late adolescence or early adulthood for the first time is a scary and unknown concept. Supporting the needs of the gifted includes preparation for stressful moments in life, asking for help, as well as learning how to accept lower marks with grace.

• (EDIT 11/2021) Chronological and Mental age have been identified as being ableist in the realms of neurodiversity affirmative practice. We have a ways to go with honoring and seeing people as they are, without functional labels. As the helping community learns and adapts to new information, so will I. Neurodivergent people continue to fight for their humanity and being paired with a capitalist view of productivity instead of innate humanity will take a toll on any person.

Please click on the video if you’d like to hear a ramble on asynchronous development in gifted children :)

Catching Them When They're Good

Have you ever tried to change someone?

Have you said or heard the following?

“Why are you doing it like this?” “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re not listening!” “I’ve already shown you a million times!” “You’re so slow!” “You forgot to do X again. I ALWAYS have to remind you!” “I can’t depend on you for anything.” “I’ll just do it.”

It’s okay, many of us have been there, and it’s not always easy. It seems to be a thing that happens a lot, though. This idea that we know how someone should behave or change comes with the best intentions, and yet, it’s not taken this way. Whether it’s friends, family, coworkers, classmates, lovers, or children, we tend to tell them how to change, where it comes off as a criticism or demand.

Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of this where someone is telling you all the things you’re doing wrong, and you end up feeling like a failure. It doesn’t feel good, and can even lead to feelings of resentment or deep sadness. There are good intentions, and yet the delivery is not working. The outcome is hurt feelings and conflict. The same thing can happen when we are trying to shape children in our lives. We know and see how the world is, and want to build skills for success.

So what do we do? We identify the things they are doing wrong. We knit-pick at how these things are incorrect and how they should be doing it. We end up doing it ourselves.

How does this affect a person?

It could lead to feelings of inferiority, a negative self-concept, or pairing negative emotions with “help.” Some people who were constantly told they were doing things wrong learn to distance themselves from asking or receiving help. This distrust of others may shape their world view; that it’s better to do things alone without the harsh criticisms of others.

Another possible outcome is those who were only given attention for “messing up” or being “bad” continually increased these types of behaviors in order to get attention. It is a repetitious cycle that can be difficult to change. Children who received attention when making mistakes or behaving negatively may internalize this identity of “being” bad and a failure which could carry into adulthood.

The above could be an extreme example, but I’ve come across some adults who’ve been impacted by early experiences where they have a difficult time trusting others because they are afraid of negative criticisms and being made fun of. This can especially be the case for those who are/have*:

*sensitive, Autistic, twice-exceptional (2e) gifted, gifted, ADHD, learning or auditory processing differences, delayed speech, invisible and visible conditions that affect mobility, cognition, or other bodily functions like chronic illness.

*An added layer to the physical body is inherited traumas, mental illness or conditions, unmet basic needs, systemic oppression, how accepted or safe they are at home, language or cultural barriers; some things that many people mask when attempting to overcome and thrive.

Are the above items things that affect each person we want to help? Maybe, maybe not. It can be a compassionate step to consider how someone is experiencing the world as we attempt to walk along their journeys and offer support towards change. This understanding may help with offering kindness, patience, and compassion for those who are having a harder time with being asked to change, even from someone who cares.

Catching Them When They’re Good (Dr. Robert Myers)

This phrase is from a child development course about a decade ago, and it’s helped me in professional settings and personal relationships. This is simply that: look for the positive and good, as difficult as it may be for certain people. Identify it with specific language and praise people.

Imagine a person where important figures in life only gave attention or talked to them when they made mistakes or behaved poorly. Moments of curiosity, goodness, or quiet were ignored.

Now, offer this person praise for doing something small, like opening the door for you, or helping clean up after dinner. Thank them and share gratitude for their presence. Being grateful for someone just for being alive! How novel~

I just spoke with someone who did not get praised growing up, and they responded by saying how “life-changing” it would be if their parents or any adults in their home gave them attention when they were trying to ask questions or do well in school. They noted how this early experience shaped a negative series of relationship exchanges where they act out and repeat this cycle of looking for the bad in others.

While this, again, is not the case for everyone, it is noted that early experiences and intense moments in life can and do shape the physical, emotional, and mental health of many of us. As children or adults, we may have the lens of looking for the negative in ourselves and others, even when we want to encourage positive changes.

Examples of praise, gratitude, and catching them when they’re good:

(Mixed examples for children, family, partners, friends, family)

• Thank you for being quiet while I was on the phone.

• I see you using your hands gently (for kiddos who need help being safe and gentle).

• I love it when you give me hugs just because.

• I appreciate the space you give when I’m upset, and you slowly checking in to see if I need anything.

• I really appreciated it when you washed the dishes for me yesterday.

• When I asked you to get ready for dinner, you did it so quickly.

• I really like it when you have your backpack ready in the morning so we’re not late or in a rush.

• Thank you for saving me a seat this morning.

• Nice work trying to brush your teeth!

• I saw how you tried really hard on your homework today.

• Thank you for listening to my problem and not trying to give advice right away. I know how solving problems is how you show care, and I see how you tried.

• I appreciated when you saved the last slice of pizza for me. It made me feel special.

• Thanks for getting me a coffee this morning!

• I LOVE how safely you’re playing with your toys right now!

• Thank you for sitting with me quietly while I figure out my problem. I needed time to sort things in my head and a bunch of questions would make me more frustrated.

Although these statements are a small start, it can lead to great changes. Starting small is tangible, more realistic, and easier. We can build on small successes to promote longer-lasting positive changes. :) Sometimes one positive statement can stay with a person for a lifetime. You never know if your words will change a person’s life.