Tricking Kids into Learning Through Games

Tricking Kids into Learning Through Games

Guest post by Val Okamoto

Val Okamoto is a queer, neurodivergent artist and creative. They recently graduated from CSUF where they studied both theatrical art and studio art, with specialties in sculpture, theatrical design, and media analysis. They are a lover of games, snakes, musicals, and art of all kinds.

I was an incredibly stubborn kid. So much so that my mom, an elementary school teacher, couldn't convince me that she had taught me anything until I was in my teens. Because of my childish refusal to the idea that she could possibly teach me anything, she had to come up with some clever ways to trick me into learning, so now I have the pleasure of passing some of these onto you.

When I was really little, before entering kindergarten, my mom would constantly play word games with me. "That's not learning, that's playing, so I'll allow it," my little brain thought. Every time we were in the car, my mom would point out the different objects and buildings we drove by, enunciate the word, stretch it out, and have me practice saying them. Interactivity is essential.

"That is a bus, bu-uh-ss" "Bu-uh-ss" "Bus, bus, bus" "Bus, bus, bus"

Once I could recognize most of the objects we passed-bus, car, store, road, light- we moved on to more complex words and ideas, and the games we played grew more complex as my understanding did. Learning how to say the words turned into guessing games, learning letter sounds turned into word play, and we even made up our own as time went on. This back and forth practice laid the foundation for literacy.

"Bus" "Ball" "Bake" "Bike" "Bar" "Bed" "Bread" "Brake"

"Bus" "Stop" "Pool" "Listen" "Night" "Tear" "Red" "Dad"

In the early stages of development, even exposure to language and communication can build strong foundations for those skills later on. By asking them to repeat and respond, they are listening, absorbing, and processing, as well as practicing spoken language and pronunciation. Introducing learning as an interactive game, as opposed to a boring lecture, can prevent, or at least postpone, resentment and the association between education and boredom or frustration. By the time I got to kindergarten, I already knew how to read. (Not that I believed my mom when she told me she taught me, though.)

As I grew older, we started playing more complex games. My parents introduced me to so many new types of games, like board games, card games, video games, and even sports. They included quite a few that had educational benefits. There are many classic games, like Uno, Scrabble, Mancala, Chess, Checkers, Backgammon, Go, and playing card games like Rummy or domino games like Mexican Train and Pai Gow, as well as newer and more complex games like Risk, Settlers of Catan, Phase 10, Set, and Spot It, that teach important lessons and skills.

Games with money show the importance of being able to do math, word games favor those with larger vocabularies, and most tend to reward those who think ahead and create plans and backup plans. Most of these games require pattern recognition skills, critical thinking, strategy, and resource management, which can allow children to practice real life skills in low-stakes environments. They allow kids to gain the agency that childhood often robs of them, and creates many teachable moments when conflict arises.

These kinds of games also facilitate the development of emotional regulation. A big part of playing games is losing, and I've met quite a few adults who hadn't learned how to handle the big emotions that can come up when losing. Getting ample practice failing and simultaneously receiving support on how to improve creates a fantastic environment to promote learning. Games show kids that failure is a part of life, but that they also have the choice to get up, keep going, and try again. I should also mention that my parents did not take it easy on me, which made me put a lot more thought into my strategies if I wanted to win. It took 10 years for me to beat my dad at tennis. That day was truly glorious, since all the time I spent learning and practicing was proven to be worth it.

Children also need games to play by themselves, and there are lots of individual or solo games that also educate. Sudoku, word searches, crosswords, and other paper games exist. There is a plethora of online resources as well, including escape rooms and mazes that require simple math problems to find one's way out of, which my mom uses in her classroom occasionally.

As a child, I had a Nintendo DS, which was compatible with educational games like Brain Age and Big Brain Academy, which focus on reasoning, logic, arithmetic, and flexible cognition. Again, these games helped to build my association between education and fun, and they became regulars in the roster of games I would play. I also remember taking the GATE test in elementary school, and some of the questions felt similar to the kind of practice I got on my DS, and I ended up being accepted to the program. Some of these games, and others like them, are available on the Nintendo Switch now.

Once I started nearing middle school and entered the "I want nothing to do with my parents" stage, they had to come up with even more workarounds. One of the solutions they found was allowing me to choose some fun summer classes and workshops in our community. Many state colleges also have classes for kids over the summer that teach anything from chemistry to comic books to coding to creative writing.

Photo credit: close-up of a d20 on a pile of dice by Esther Derksen from Getty Images, Canva Pro

One of my favorite things they did was learn something new with me. The instance that resonated with me the most was learning how to crochet. My grandmother and my mom took me to a beginner's crochet class at a craft store, where we learned some basic stitches and made little potholders.

Since none of us had ever crocheted before, we were all on the same level and I was in a class with children and adults alike. There is a constant power imbalance between parents and their children, and the experience gap can become grating for the child, who is always at a disadvantage. By shifting the dynamic and leveling the playing field, children feel less like, well, children. They want to be treated like adults, so being in a class with adults made me feel very grown up, especially when I picked it up the techniques faster than them. And while my mom no longer remembers how to crochet, I still pick up my hook from time to time.

The activity doesn't have to be crocheting or crafts, it could be coding, baking, painting, learning a language, playing an instrument, or something else unique to you and your family, but ultimately, it needs to be something your kid is interested in. All you have to do is show an interest in it too. Just be ready for when your kid gets better than you.

Video Games & Safety to Practice Life Skills

Why Some Neurodivergent Gamers Seek Safety in Gaming Spaces

My posts are specifically for neurodivergent people and those who consider video gaming an integral part of their lives. When our brains and bodies are different, there are things even we don’t fully understand about ourselves. We wouldn’t be able to explain to others why taking part in a virtual world is so powerful and important, but it is. I hope to write on reframing experiences to add to how we see others in our lives, and for gamers to have the opportunity to explore who they are. This will help you pick and choose how to describe your world and how to advocate for yourself.

Why We Need Safety to Practice Life Skills

Whenever we talk about the differently wired brain, there will be invisible conditions and hardships other people will not see from the outside. There is a high correlation between sensory differences that overwhelm and drain the brain, making “easy” tasks like everyday living difficult for many people. A lot of gifted and creative individuals also get comments of, “You’re so smart. This should be easy for you. Why are you being so lazy?” When these comments and judgments are given over years, it can make someone feel useless, weak, and like they are making excuses for struggling with the simplest things.

Our brain isn’t efficient in some ways. In other ways, we can be creatively gifted with ideas or specific disciplines. Sometimes we’re considered “slow” because of a learning disability or processing difference. Because of these asynchronous brain pathways, we may have difficulty learning something our typical peers can easily do. Sometimes we can learn and do something with enough repetition (like 100s of times or more) or we are being taught in ways that don’t make sense to us so these life skills remain a mystery.

Sensory Safety

With the neurodivergent brain, certain parts of the brain are stimulated more easily and intensely, and others are not. It’s why some of us feel pain when we hear something other people shrug off. It could be why certain fabrics, foods, or scents can make us feel deeply uncomfortable, and possibly in pain. Everything could be more intense, even pain. Living with so many intense feelings or physical sensations can make it difficult for us to focus on tasks or follow through with requests. The intensity of stimuli can evoke a feeling of danger around us. Our brains might be in a constant state of stress where the priority is seeking safety. And constantly being in a state of survival can lead to panic attacks, high anxiety, or fatigue from feeling stressed often.

We try to mitigate sensory overwhelm by stimming or avoiding stimulation. It’s why you see us biting our fingers, flapping hands, repeating certain words, touching things, or humming to ourselves. Playing video games can also be a way to stim or cope with a very intense outside world.

And because our brains are “inefficient” from having our neural networks connecting to many overlapping pathways, it can lead to overstimulation, confusion, or difficulty learning or doing certain life skills.

Physical Safety and Accumulated Experiences

There are many invisible conditions that add to the difficulty of accomplishing life skils. For instance, are you or your neurodivergent person clumsy? Because of a difference in proprioception in our bodies, we may live in a body that does not respond quickly to outside stimulation so we trip on things, fall, griip things too loosely or tightly, drop items often, bump our heads into cabinets, or lose balance for “no reason.” It can be a dangerous place for the extra clumsy where part of our brain power is being used to not fall or drop something when a typical person doesn’t have to use extra brain power to do the same thing.

So our reserves are being drained more quickly because our bodies aren’t calibrated with the environment. Over time, we may also implicitly or explicitly get the message that the world is an unsafe place. (All the accidents, tripping, falling, and bumping into things over the years may be another reason why we seek comfort inside and with video games) It’s safe inside!

Chronic and (Unnamed) Conditions

Being in the Neurodiversity Affirmative Therapists and other (Actually) Autistic Facebook groups for several years I’ve observed seeing stories of certain conditions paired with having divergent neurotypes. Some are:

• POTS Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome

• Autoimmune conditions like Celiac disease, inflammatory bowel disease (IBS), psoriasis

• Chronic fatigue syndrome

• Ehler Danlos Syndrome (EDS)

• Poor Interoception — inability to sense hunger and thirst cues, how our body responds to stimulation, correlated with an inability to identify emotions and self regulate

• Learning Disabilities like Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, Dyslexia

These conditions (and more) contribute to the complex inner workings of a person who could be trying every day to manage pain and flare-ups in addition to accomplishing daily tasks. The medical part, especially when undiagnosed or identified, can make someone feel like they have no language to explain why they’re so tired, have brain fog, feel pain, or can’t do something at the moment when other people can.

Bullying, Misunderstandings

When you’re different, you can be a target for bullying and jokes. People could think it’s lighthearted to take jabs at someone for being different, but again, years of people making comments about how you communicate, your habits, interests, and the way you dress add up. It’s not fun being the target for jokes at every social gathering or having a feeling you’re being made fun of, but you can’t really understand why either.

It’s safer and more enjoyable being home playing games. Your online friends or video game characters won’t betray you. They’ll always be there.

When you’re misunderstood often, without the language to communicate needs or your inner experiences, it can feel like being between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes or many times, people may get frustrated over your way of thinking or processing stimulation where they think you’re acting out or attention seeking instead of getting tasks done. Behind the surface of a tantrum or looking “noncompliant” could be:

• Sensory or emotional overwhelm

• Not understanding the directions

• Foundational skills other people learn without being taught, we need to be taught so we are perpetually confused and making mistakes

• Not knowing how to use a tool

• Forgetting how to do something

• Auditory processing differences

• Fatigue or pain from chronic conditions associated with neurodivergence (but not always known or diagnosed)

• Shame from being told again and again how to do something but not getting it

• A trauma response with having a hypervigilant brain and body

Shame & Mistakes

• “Stop asking again. I already told you how to do it!”

• “Put your hands down. It’s awkward when you do that.” (When we attempt to stim to self regulate)

• “That was SO EASY. How did you make these mistakes?”

• “Don’t talk about X subjects to anyone at the party, okay? I don’t want to be embarrassed.”

• “Why are you repeating what I just said? Think inside your head!”

• You’re not overwhelmed. You’re being sensitive and lazy. Just do it!”

It’s frustrating when a loved one doesn’t understand something like a homework lesson, or social etiquette. Especially when you’ve told them over and over again how to do something. The accumulated misunderstandings and comments can lead to shame. It’s difficult to move forward in life and grow when loved ones and society tell us demoralizing messages and don’t always believe our lived experiences.

Social Model of Disability (wikipedia)

The frustrating and disappointing layers of being neurodivergent include fighting institutions like education, medicine, and social spaces to honor the needs, struggles, and different lived experiences of others. Seeking accommodations, inclusion, and equity at any part of life can be overwhelming. You are already a marginalized and vulnerable person and have to provide proof of a need when it should be the other way around.

Asking vulnerable people to go through hoops to receive aid is the opposite of a nurturing society. It is another reason and system why disabled and neurodivergent people are seen as potential burdens of society.

The message perpetuates and can become our identities: If we cannot function and provide economic value to a certain degree, we are equated with being less than others, and we are seen as useless. People bully us, and the systems themselves do not support us. With this societal message and internalized identity, why would some of us want to go outside of video games?

---

Using Gaming to Support Life Skills Development

If so many of us are using games to escape a world that doesn’t support or accept us, why not use these same games to develop life skills?

The REFRAME: With guidance and compassion, we can use the things our loved ones enjoy to practice different skills. Highlighting moments when you see the skill being used can help a gamer see a bigger picture of how to use their interests to grow. It is building a new lens of intention and positive play.

In the same way an athlete needs a coach, a gamer needs guidance on how to perform to their best abilities. A gamer also needs a coach or guide on how to use games to develop intangible life skills.

• Winning & Losing: This is a part of life. The hard part is getting up and doing it again, whether you win or lose. Games can offer great life lessons and sometimes we just need someone to help point them out. Just like being a good sport, the passion and joy come from the game itself and being a better player each time.

• Communication: Games can be used as topics of conversation and they can be opportunities to communicate within the games themselves. Some of us are more comfortable communicating through text or a headset, or with avatars. All these forms of communication are valid, and can help connect your gamer to community.

  • Twitch and other streaming communities also offer a form of parallel play that is comforting and less intense or demanding than in-person socialization. This is a very valid form of connection that can help people feel part of something bigger.

• Planning and Prioritization: Some games require methodical planning to complete difficult dungeons or quests. This is a great way for seeing how your gamer plans and prioritizes tasks in a safe environment. When this executive function skill is not well developed, there could be big mistakes made when unable to plan. Practicing multiple times through a game can offer an easier time to bounce back when mistakes are made.

• Problem Solving: Some games are hard. There are big maps to navigate and confusing directions to follow. Luckily there are wikis and communities to find answers. When you feel like life outside is difficult to navigate and figure out, successfully problem solving in a game can help build confidence to try problem in different areas of life. Pointing out this skill with specific moments in-game can help your gamer remember that they can solve problems!

• Helping Others, Asking for Help: In multiplayer games, there are options to help others. When socialization could be more difficult outside the game, this virtual experience offers an opportunity to practice safely communicating and seeking support from people with similar interests. In multiplayer games, many seasoned players help people. If your gamer is very good at their game, they also have the option to help noobs (people who aren’t so good). This can build a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

• Trying Again After Failure: Trying again after a failure in video games could be easier than in the outside world. Building the habit of trying again virtually can help someone feel more comfortable with taking this skill to other parts of life. When your gamer has a difficult time trying things in “real life” try introducing new types of games over time, and see how they try again with the games they like. Use these observations as a mirror to support praising or objectively noting these experiences.

• Following Directions: The differently wired brain may sometimes come with auditory processing or learning differences that make following directions difficult. To build self-esteem, gaming can offer extra practice with following directions successfully. Again, the loved one’s job is to point out these moments of success so your gamer has some evidence that they are capable of trying again.

• Channeling Difficult Emotions: Gamers have to exhibit a certain degree of self-control and focus to win games. Before playing, a person can coach or practice self-regulating exercises with their gamer so the skill can be ready to access during intense moments. Pair it with how athletes work on mastering mind and body and it can help a gamer learn very important calming skills to be a more effective player.

These skills can be identified and nurtured with your gamers. Video Games can be tools and mirrors of who we are. It depends on how we use them. There is also a real awareness of playing too much where multiple areas of life are neglected. To explore potential trauma work, it’s recommended to seek a gaming affirmative therapist who understands neurodiversity and the social model of disability.

This blog post is a compassionate response to how gaming can be a refuge from the harm done by social systems and the outside world.

References:

• Proprioception — HyperMobilityDoctor IG

• Collaborative & Proactive Solutions — Dr. Ross Greene

• Childhood Trauma: Understanding Behavioral Challenges as Survival Instincts — Dr. Mona Delahooke

• Brain Structure Changes in Autism, Explain — SpectrumNews.org

• Social Model of Disability — Wikipedia

• Learning Disabilities — Very Well Mind

• How Abuse Mars the Lives of Autistic People — SpectrumNews.Org

• What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us — Organized Messes

A Neurodivergent Gift & Curse: Over-Researching and Over Preparing

Researching and Preparing as Gifts

These two acts can be a special interest, talent, and gift others pair with us.

When thinking about hobbies, areas of study, and anything we may be fascinated with, there tends to be an element of research and preparation that neurodivergent minds gravitate towards.

Light greenish blue background. Thought bubbles with a bow and gift box. Over-researching and over-planning as gifts.

• It is a potential love language to share details and rabbit holes of research with those around us, or those we trust.

  • When comfortable, we can share stories, fun facts, and worlds of information about what we love with people we want to share that same love and fascination with. Is it a typical conversation? No, not really. It’s still a way to connect.

• We can help and inspire others to think of things they don’t usually think about. This could come out in the way of, “I never thought of that.” or “Your conversation made me think of this.”

• We can help reframe perspective and share the joy of learning, too. This can sometimes come out in the way of, “I don’t completely follow what you’re saying, but seeing you happy sharing makes me happy.” (This is the wish when we infodump)

• Learning about the history, contexts, and WHY of a concept could be as important or more important than building anything.

• We can impress people with our abilities to scour the internet, observe, or gather information through conversations. Putting the pieces together to form a story can be something we become skilled at. It can be a form of play to build mental maps of things we’re interested in.

• In addition to building mental maps of the things we’re curious about, we can even start accumulating things in preparation for something related to the topic, things like hobbies or areas of study.

• This experiential (and sometimes expensive or time-consuming) act of preparing, can make us very knowledgeable about the hows and whys within.

• This ability to map out information can make us go-to consultants for people needing insights on something “missing” or a bird’s eye perspective on a concern. We can also help identify patterns that people share, and what seems to be out of place for potential problem solving.

Example: Taking up watercolor or drawing comics as a new hobby.

In order to research and prepare for this new endeavor, you might do the following:

• Watch 150 YouTube videos on making art

• Follow 200 IG and TikTok art influencers

• Enroll in 3 art master classes online

• Spend $400 on art supplies, including different types of paper, inks, markers, brushes, and paints

• Order 10 books on the craft and nature of being an artist

• Make an artist setup with inspiration to create

• Pin thousands of images to your Pinterest board for inspiration and references

• Go to the museum, galleries, several art walks, and zine fests

• Add your thing here. We know there’s more lol (aka the ADHD tax)

You may start doodling and creating some artwork, but after a while…

You stopped creating. The hyper fixation is gone. You’re feeling unsure if this is worth it. There’s doubt and impending abandonment of the art supplies.

“It’s too difficult to keep this up. I feel like a failure. I might as well stop.”

So what happens? A few things. There are hibernations and abandoned projects, AND there’s this cyclical process of continuing to research and prepare. Why? Because there’s this underlying compulsion for perfection that sabotages any ability to try unless it’s “just right.”

Researching and Preparing as Curses

The shadow of being a thinker can show up in missing out on lived experiences that add nuance to the theory we’re so good at developing. There is safety in living in the realm of ideas and possibility. Here, you don’t get to disappoint yourself or others in the tangible world. In theory, you have a sense of control over the information and variables to look out for.

Pink background. Thought bubbles with sad faces and doll icon. Over-researching and over-planning as curses.

Even when rationalizing and having thought experiments can be such a joy, inspiration, and type of play, there are extreme ways of being that can make it difficult for us to be in a sense of flow in life.

Life is not all thinking and philosophizing. It’s also not all chasing adventures, eating all the things, and running marathons. Life is both.

• When our default is to think and analyze, we’re very attuned to our heads and the planning parts of life.

• This correlates with not being as attuned with our bodies, physical needs, or responses to the environment.

  • Thinking all the time can indirectly stop us from listening to hunger and thirst cues. Ever forget to eat or drink water?

  • We also may be more clumsy and bump into things, and get lost, EVEN THOUGH it’s supposedly a familiar environment or route. Doesn’t matter, bumped my head anyways.

• Living so long in our heads can make it uncomfortable to constantly practice doing things to learn about our bodies, or practicing something as a beginner.

  • Because we’ve mastered the art of thinking, we can be more comfortable staying a master here.

  • People may have ridiculed us for not doing things easily. We may be judged or mocked for having a difficult time doing things other people do without needing a road map. There could be shame or embarrassment for having to learn things a “child should already know.”

  • We can also be met with disbelief—people say we’re exaggerating hardships or reject our experiences. :(

  People can’t reject or judge you inside your head. There are potential internal and external obstacles to learning how to live in our bodies and the outside world.

Light purple background. World emoji smiling with pink hearts. Living in a world of and.

Cultivating Compassion & Redefining Who You Are

The larger culture has implicit messages of how to be, including how much thinking and doing a person “should” do. We can internalize these messages and be treated like there’s something wrong with us because we act differently. The frustrating and painful thing is the archetypes and stories of the thinker, planner, and philosopher are used in entertainment often. The fictional thinker is celebrated and mysterious, a muse to inspire. But real-life thinkers and rationals are mistreated for living our authentic paths, or paths we’ve created to protect ourselves from judgment and rejection.

• Living in a world of AND can help us become self-compassionate with our journeys of self-discovery and growth

  • We don’t have to be perfect, AND we started off with certain messages of needing to be experts at the things we do.

  • Life is an adventure, AND we can try things for the sake of having experiences NOT mastery.

  • Accepting that your default is to be cerebral AND you can practice listening to your body more can help build momentum toward changes that YOU want to do.

  • You can pick what works for you now AND get rid of harmful practices that are unkind, sabotaging, or inauthentic.

  • You have a gift for thinking AND can redefine how you want to do things to have more experiences in life.

  • You can acknowledge that change is difficult AND figure out smaller and safe ways to try new things without feeling overwhelmed by perfection.

  • You can practice affirmations and saying kind things to yourself (even when you think it’s cheesy), AND have faith that being kind to yourself will help with going on another cycle of change.

  • You can observe the “doers” and see what you’d like to try. Be curious about how you can do something like them, but on your terms.

light yellow background. Pink brain with glasses and question marks smiling. Caption states: what are some of the things the doers do that I’d like to try on my own terms?

Leading with Curiosity

Leading with Curiosity. A light green square with a dark brown bear. The bear has a thought cloud with a question mark. There are fruits beside text. The text is describe din detail below.

• What are the strengths people think I have?

  • It’s something we forget when we are overwhelmed and feel hopeless. We can forget the people who know us the most can also be the ones who can help uplift us.

  • Find and seek out people who can remind you what your strengths are.

  • Ask for 3 to 5 strengths, and if they can be specific with when they saw you with the strength.

• Is there a skill I want to try that people I admire do well?

  • Follow your heroes and fandoms!

  • What’s something you admire about their ability to do something?

  • If you can’t identify it, follow their journeys. Try and map out the moments that stand out most to you.

• How can I modify the new skill to make it MINE?

  • After we have heroes and references for skills and the possibility for change, the next step is to think about how to make it yours.

  • It can be modified with smaller steps, using different tools.

  • The skill itself can change for a different part of your life, or concern.

• Am I open to trying something new as an EXPERIMENT?

  • It’s easier to try stuff when it’s an experiment. We’re just gathering data, something you’re naturally inclined to do anyways. This time the data is about you and using different skills.

  • Experiments are safe because there’s no commitment to stick to it forever. You have to pause after a period of time to analyze the results.

• How will I know a new skill is working?

  • This could be an inner feeling. Something FEELS different.

  • It could also be something tangible and measurable. What small measurements and things can you identify to see that change happened?

  • Was it a change that you like and want to keep? Or is it a change that you’re not sure about? Take note of it.

  • Journaling or documenting your responses to these small changes can help you see if you want to continue with the new skills.
    

Change is about acceptance, practice, and being kind to yourself.

Acceptance includes seeing your strengths in a world that is forever trying to change you into something you’re not. Practice includes the smallest steps with REST across the lifespan. Being kind to yourself includes seeing yourself as worthy along each part of your life, whether you "accomplish” tasks or not. You’re wonderfully you because you exist~!

Mapping Out Efficient Systems as a Neurodivergent Thinker (Heroic Change Processes)

Welcome Fellow Divergent Thinker or Loved One of a Divergent Thinker~

Thinking about change systems and cycles is a special interest of mine, and I’ve wanted to find a way to start sharing the complex map of how change can and may happen for the differently wired individual. You may start at different places of this reference, and that’s awesome. It’s awesome that you have insight into where you’re at and the data points mentioned.

INSIGHT helps with moving from the abstract to the concrete. As rationals and people comfortable with staying in the realms of thoughts and concepts, we need something else to transition out of our heads and into the existing world. Please consume this information at your leisure. Take nibbles of it and come back after letting it process. Take notes on what speaks to you, and what doesn’t make sense or work. It’s all important in figuring out what works for you.

This reference can be applied to different areas of life: relationships, personal development, self-care, chores, academic skills, and the creative process. Many times we seek to understand the WHY before things suddenly click into action and change. I hope some of these notes help with your conceptualization of change and being more compassionate with your unique process of transformation.

Change Processes — Mapping the Journey

Visualize your history with change, important dates, people, and any patterns that may come from tracking the information. A timeline can help.

Gather Data

We’re gonna need information to assess where you’re coming from, identify patterns, and establish a reference point. When thinking about change in a specific area of life, how long has it been like this? Suggestions include:

• A visual timeline, summary, list, or description of your life related to this.

  • This process helps with executive function skills: taking information from longterm memory and sorting it chronologically or thematically

• TALK IT OUT. Many times we need to think out loud. As we share externally, ideas sort and can build into a story with context and background. Many times neurodivergent people are shut down or dismissed so our stories are not heard in their entirety.

• Ask people you trust to describe your relationship with this change, and any patterns they’ve noticed. Ask them to be neutral and include objective contexts to help understand what they see.

• A recent snapshot helps, too. Milestones in life can be catalysts for difficult transitions. It’s normal, and it can be an opportunity to experiment with different strategies.

Perform Experiments

Treat change like an experiment. We don’t know what will work unless we try and gather data to analyze the patterns! — Boonie Sripom

When trying to figure out how to change, we need experiential data to determine if something works or not. To the frustration of those around us, and ourselves, this process can look very chaotic. Sometimes it looks like we are going in circles. If we continue doing the same things but they are not beneficial, it’s important to pause and examine what’s happening.

Even adopting beneficial changes can take practice and experimentation. You’ve spent a lifetime or X amount of time doing things a certain way. It makes sense that it will take time to adjust to doing something new. You’re building new neural networks and slowly figuring out if it’s something you want to keep doing.

• Pick something to try.

• Give it a timeframe that YOU want to do.

• Rest and analyze.

Please note some things we do could help us grow in different parts of life. Experiments allow us to try things we did in the past, or heard of when we weren’t ready. When you feel ready, give something a try and gather that data!

Ask trusted loved ones to share observations of you as well. This helps with perspective building in the present.

(If you don’t trust anyone, document your journey privately. I used my YouTube videos to think out loud as I went through cycles of change. When I look back, I can see how much I’ve grown and the resiliency I cultivated.)

Rest

I am using plant and exercise metaphors to help explain why rest is important.

PLANT METAPHOR: Seedlings only need a little water and food at a time. Overwatering isn't going to make them grow any faster. It's important to wait and let the plants grow at their own pace. The same is true for you and change processes. It's good to rest in between growth periods.

Plant Metaphor: Plants only need a certain range of water and food. If you give too much water or too much food, the plant could die, get root rot, or stop taking in the extra nutrition. There is a limit a plant can take, and the same goes for you. Give yourself time to absorb the new habit and change.

Many people can be impatient with change and want to go go go because they’re ready. Being ready is important! Doing the work and accepting the process of change is very important. Your mind, body, and spirit are all adapting to a new way of being. Give yourself time to develop congruence within these parts of you.

Exercise Metaphor: Power athletes tear muscles working out and participating in their sport. There is a huge strain on the body when performing and exercising. In order to grow healthily and prevent harm to the body, athletes rest in between workouts, games, and meets. If an athlete pushes their body when they should be resting, there could be irreparable damage. Conscientious working out also means intentional rest and healing to become stronger and build resiliency.

Analyze Data

While resting and after resting, it’s time to analyze. What happened? Were you able to implement changes? Even a little bit? What were the specific contexts for small successes? What were specific contexts for hardships? Did things stay the same?

• YOU HAVE TO ANALYZE IT. Looking at yourself from a bird’s eye view AFTER performing tasks gives us access to metacognition, another executive function skill.

• We are good at analyzing ourselves. I am certain almost every neurodivergent person has analyzed their situations and some patterns of existence. This time, we are analyzing with a new perspective. This new perspective is in terms of change cycles and self-compassion.

• If we want to change, we must identify what happened. Consider it another short story about you. Step by step, what happened? If we don’t know what happened, we may repeat the cycle.

• Think of one variable at a time to see what contributes to repeated cycles.

Overanalyzing OOPS

Ways to pause overanalyzing. Make a playlist to overthink and stop when the music ends. Hold on to ice cubes for 5-10 seconds, look up DBT strategies. Write your thoughts on paper and see if it helps. Talk to your overthinker archetype and pause. Body double or accountability partners can also help~

• There are limits to this superpower! Sometimes, it’s okay NOT to analyze things. If you know your patterns, you know what doesn’t work. We may need a little nudge from being cerebral to practical.

• This is a burden and life skill many neurodivergent people face. We can analyze all day if we could. The leap we need is to DO things. And this is learning to be okay with pausing analysis.

• Does this mean you have to change who you are? NO, it doesn’t. Your ability to analyze and think critically is and always will be a gift. The next step to implementing change is to pause mental energy for a little bit in the physical and external world.

• Suggestion: Try giving yourself timers for analyzing like episodes of a show, podcast, or a playlist that helps you think. After that, time to stop.

  • I also think about (not visualize because I have aphantasia) using a clicker or button to “turn my analyzer archetype off”. I talk to them and give them a break.

  • There was a post in a Stardew Valley group to play the soundtrack while doing chores, and it HELPED. Find songs that remind you of productivity or play. Give it a try and see if it helps you!

  • Body Doubling or Accountability Partners can help move to action

  • Remember you have a body, not just a head. Nurture your body and the senses by doing something sensory for you!

If you want to find different lenses of analysis, consider the following:

• What is the COMPASSIONATE goal?

  • What does it look and feel like when you inch closer to this goal?

  • Which values are you honoring with this goal?

    • Looking up values helps name things. Looking up personality types and correlating values may also help normalize/validate your inner experiences when others around you may not understand.

  • Ask people to help with specifics. Look for examples of how other neurodivergent people named their goals.

  • Describe it as much as you can.

  • Examples:

    • Chunk a block of time to read and respond to X emails so I don’t feel rushed to complete things at a specific time.

    • Find accountability buddies to clean, do (home)work, or study.

    • Wash a couple of cups or plates, not all.

    • Find a spot to put my backpack and assignment checklist every night to feel less stressed in the morning.

    • Eat something so I have the energy to do stuff, and crash less often.

    • Drink water so I don’t feel dehydrated and tired.

    • Find cleaning and self-care hacks that work for me and my energy profile.

    • Build a routine to go to the store so I can feel more independent.

    • Learn how to ask for help in class so I can get my learning needs met and feel understood.

    • Practice being kinder to myself when I make mistakes or try something new so I can build resilience and try again.

• OBSTACLES

  • What is blocking you from meeting an objective?

  • I hear often people say it’s a “lack of motivation” and sometimes it may be the case. Other times, it could be:

  • sensory overwhelm, not seeing small steps to meet a larger goal, inefficient use of space, difficulty with transitions, not understanding why something is important to do, or a general lack of practice because the neurodivergent brain needs lots of practice to learn some things neurotypical people do more easily.

  • Medical or other professional consults: Sometimes we may have underlying medical conditions that contribute to fatigue, allergies, learning differences, or other conditions that make it more difficult to process information, stimulation, or complete tasks. It’s important to find neurodiversity-affirming and competent professionals to share your experiences to see how they can educate and support you.

  • Professionals that may help: Occupational Therapist who are competent in supporting interoception, not just fine motor skills, Doctors who specialize in sleep, chronic pain or fatigue, inflammation, trauma-informed yoga, psychologists who specialize in learning differences and assessments.

  • Systemic barriers, poverty, safety to change, abuse, and traumas can be huge barriers to change. If these are part of your story, therapy can help. Finding advocates, foundations, and support groups can help. Even starting with lurking in online groups related to what you’ve experienced may also help. Find ones with admins who protect and empower members, with rules for safety and engagement.

    • Psychology grad programs and colleges with counseling centers may have spots for low-cost or probono therapy services. You can also call 211 for behavioral health resources and 988 for mental health crises. Domestic Violence shelters also have trainings for learning about the abuse cycle, offer advocacy, and PEP programs (personal empowerment program).

    • With police reports, you can get financial support as a victim of crime, including abuse. https://victimsofcrime.org/

• MESSAGES WITH CHANGE

  • What are you telling yourself about change?

  • Are there influential people (in)directly shaping your abilities to change?

    • Use your fandoms to inspire change processes!

    • Which characters or story arcs resonated with you? Why?

    • Describe their process of transformation and see how it could be related to your journey, too!

  • Do you think change is possible?

  • Is there evidence to support your ability to change? Even small things?

  • What was your relationship with this specific change 10 years ago? 5 years ago?

    • How did you see this change back then?

    • What types of support or strengths do you have now?

  • How do people in your past see you versus how people you’ve recently met see you? What are the overlaps and differences?

Reframe: You are one with nature and just like nature, have a natural flow and cycles of change. We are not expected to bloom year round. We are not expected to bear fruit all the time. We grow, we take in nutrition, sunshine, and water. We are appreciated simply because we brilliantly exist. Different flowers are lovely and do not compete with one another. Some take longer to blossom and have large buds. Some have small, consistent flowering. Some do not flower at all, and are as needed in this world as any other plant.

Different paths and tools to reach similar goals. There are many ways to reach goals, AND to rest in this lifetime.

• SMALLER STEPS or DIFFERENT STEPS

  • Sometimes when we’re ready to make big changes, we get too eager and take big leaps when taking smaller steps could make lasting change.

  • If and when you’re ready to leap, do it! If not, slow and steady is an option, too.

  • The smaller steps for us usually comes in the form of creative problem solving and learning what our executive function skills profiles are. Learning about how your brain and body manage energy, planning, emotional overwhelm, stress, and processing stimulation will help empower you to be efficient in your own way, AND unlearn harmful neurotypical expectations that do not work for us.

  • Different steps for us could be binging it through OR chunking you energy to focus on a specific task. It could also mean trying small steps over time because we need to rest more often.

Using the Right Tools or Being Creative

• Referencing the image with mountains, there are many ways to reach the top. Some people have fancy hiking gear, access to a helicopter. Others don’t even know how to climb yet. There’s a range of skills and tools we must learn to use across the lifespan.

• If we have mentorship and practice, it makes it safer to go on our own journeys. Climbing a mountain on your own isn’t the safest thing to do.

• We can be creative by thinking about heroes and how they’ve achieved goals. Use their knowledge, ask for guidance, and learn how to use important tools . You can do this through myth and stories, or seek out mentorship from real life heroes.

• Follow in the footsteps of others until you are ready to go on your own. To be affirmative and compassionate to yourself, it can help to find stories of people with similar lived experiences. How did they overcome and thrive?

The Pendulum of Change — moving from extremes of black and white to fluidity and flow in grayness

• PENDULUM OF CHANGE — moving from Black and White to Grayness and Fluidity

  Change involves moving from one reference point to another. In the beginning, it can be extreme, opposing ways of being that appears chaotic. This is a pattern that happens often when we are learning how to move from something that didn’t work to another preference. This is one cycle or attempt with change. When you pause to reflect, you can identify what worked in the new path, and what you’d like to keep in your older path. When you’re ready, you can try another change cycle where you “swing on the pendulum.” Each time you intentionally swing, you learn more about adapting, how long you can maintain the change, what works, and what doesn’t.

  • Where are you in this process of swinging and integrating grayness? Is your world starting off in black and white?

  • As stated earlier, it’s important to rest in between cycles. People on the outside (or you) may be impatient with changing “faster.” Remember, this is your life, and if you want to try another cycle of change, it is up to you. Considering the opinions of others is important, and it’s important to honor what YOU feel is right.

• YOUR STRENGTHS

  • What are you really good at?

    When you’re different, there are implicit and explicit messages you receive that different = wrong. People baby you, people can say you’re not “living up to your potential” or that you’re a burden. These messages hurt, and they’re really difficult to unlearn. A way to start unlearning these harmful messages is to remind yourself what you’re good at.

    • StrengthsFinder Alternative Test https://high5test.com/strengthsfinder-free/

    • VIA Character Strengths https://www.viacharacter.org/

    • Enneagram Typology System https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

    • How have you survived so far? We compensate with our strengths.

    Even if it feels like you don’t always know what you’re doing, you made it this far. What and who helped you make it to this point?

    • What skills are you using to compensate for not knowing certain things? <<<This is being creative, flexible, and adaptive.

• LEVEL UP SKILLS

  • Do you know which skills you need to complete this task?

    • Many times the gap from idea to action is closed when someone shows us how to do something step by step. Even if it’s something “easy” like washing clothes and putting away laundry, if we are shown enough times, our brains can map out systems that work for us.

    • If we are scaffolded steps to try tasks, this can help very much. Again, the “easy” things neurotypical people can do are not always easy for us. When your neural wiring is interconnected, it leads to overwhelm quickly, and jumbled information processing that can confuse us during simple tasks.

    • Transitions to different tasks can be draining. Why? Our brains and bodies take in more heightened stimulation which means it can activate more of our neural networks and their correlated bodily responses. Take note of your responses to transitions, and how to advocate for your needs.

  • How can you find out?

    • Online neurodivergent groups are hubs for fellow divergent thinkers to share inquiry, struggles, and successes to navigate the neurotypical world. It helps, even if only to lurk. Hacks are shared, group compassion is cultivated.

    • These groups are important because sometimes “you don’t know what you don’t know.” These groups would have benefitted younger me in terms of hygiene, dating, and finding work. I had no idea these parts of life were not mapped out because I didn’t think about them.

    • A lot of the struggles I experienced felt normal to me, so they were not questioned. Only when reading posts or hearing conversations that chronic fatigue, sensory overwhelm, or misunderstanding social cues, and situational mutism were “a thing” pieces started clicking together.

    • Facebook Group: Neurodivergent Cleaning Crew

  • Maybe it’s a goal you don’t have to do, but were told to do… People pleasing could be a way for us to survive for a while. As you create and find safety to do things for yourself, what are the goals YOU want to pursue?

  • “Good enough” is a great lens for doing a lot of things in life. We were not born to be perfect beings. None of us are perfect, so why give ourselves impossible standards that sabotage how we feel about ourselves?

The Paradox of Change

• CHALLENGE Internalized Ableism or the Greater Culture’s Expectations of Worth and Success

  • You are NOT the tasks you complete. This culture focuses on productivity as a measure for respecting someone. It creates a workaholic, toxic culture that drives people to work until they can no longer enjoy their lives. You are worthy just because you exist.

  • NONLINEAR approaches matter. (see neurodiveregnt learning)

  • SENSORY needs matter — it can be the difference between being understood and being forced to mask.

  • Healing trauma matters

  • GOOD ENOUGH will save you from torment and unnecessary heartache. Sometimes we have to leave it as it is or do what we can. And that’s important.

  • Leave a pile for chaos. We all have that chair, corner, or pile. We are human.

  • Self compassion, not perfection — we’ve made ourselves small for a long time, or been seen as a “problem” and believed it. Self compassion will lead to healthy changes.

  • You are not a problem. Society is broken.

  • We most likely experience invisible conditions that people minimize or don’t understand. As more content creators with lived experience share their stories, I hope it helps you feel seen and validated in your truths. I hope it helps you honor your needs and voice.

The PARADOX OF CHANGE: When you feel accepted, you thrive. Cultivate that self compassion. Find your communities. Dismantle the toxic and harmful messages that there is only one way of being a worthy human being. There are countless ways of being worthy. YOU are worthy as you are, all parts.

Our divergent brains have lots of buckets for data, memories, and ideas. The buckets are inefficiently being filled every time we learn or do something. This leads to creative exploration & novelty, but also, longer times/repeated practice to do or learn some things.

• Neurodivergent Learning

  • Filling up different thematic cups and data points to learn in a beautifully scattered way

  • It can appear slow, inefficient, or random with how we connect information.

  • Another way to see our way of thinking is novel, creative, and curious.

  • We may need extra practice and different explanations for WHY something needs to be done.

  • We may need patience to try in many different ways to put it all together.

• You want to change your habits?

  • OKAY, what ARE your habits?

  • When do you slip up?

  • Are you on autopilot? (OR are you resting in between intense stages of your change process?)

• OR is your system fine, and it’s people treating you like sh*t?

  • Being misunderstood can make us think we’re doing something wrong

• So, before changing a system, see if it’s actually shame or guilt from the outside

  • Neurodiversity affirmative therapy, coaching, mentorship, and healthy relationships can help with undoing shame

You are a person constantly becoming who you’ve always been.

SHIFT PERSPECTIVE: You are your present self, honoring past values, needs, and wants. You are accruing experience and leveling up certain skills to change authentically. Less masking. More you. You are experimenting possibility, analyzing data and resting as needed. And when the time is right:

DO IT AGAIN.

• It might have been the wrong time for the right system. Maybe this time you are better equipped to try this system.

• You learned some things the first times around.

  • What wisdoms and strength do you want to take with you on this next cycle?

  • What do you want to leave in the past, with gratitude?

  • Saboteurs and self sabotage: Change is uncomfortable, even good change. We or people around us, may sabotage growth. Please look out for and protect yourself from sabotage. (Shadow work & archetypal work, a beautifully separate topic in itself)

    • Identify Saboteurs and Energy Vampires, real people and situations that attempt to keep you down.

    • Find ways to avoid them as you begin your cycles of change. Safety to experiment, explore identity, and gather data is of utmost importance.

      As you venture on more adventures as your own hero, remember to rest. Just like nature and the plants around us, there will be seasons for dormancy, change, and blooming.

Recommendations:

• Wired to Create - Scott Barry Kaufman

• The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills - Sonny Jane Wise

• Unmasking Autism - Devon Price

• We’re Not Broken: Changing the Autism Conversation - Eric Garcia

• Super Better: The Power of Living Gamefully - Jane McGonigal

Resources:

• Neurodivergent Therapists Directory

• Autistic Self Advocacy Network

• ADDitude Magazine

Teaching vs. Telling - Executive Function Skills Scaffolding

To help children strengthen executive function skills, it's important to scaffold opportunities to figure out problems. Experiential problem solving with your support builds analytical skills. This is a foundation for self esteem and resiliency.

Hardships happen. When you've practiced solving problems with the safety of a grown up, it makes it easier to try again without feeling like a failure. Telling kids what to do takes away from learning how to identify problems and solutions.

Caveat to scaffolding problem solving skills is times of urgency and danger. There's no time to think when safety is a concern and adults should step in and make decisions for children.

EF Skills Supportive Strategy - Teaching vs Telling:

1) What do you think the problem is?

Seeing a child's perspective can help us focus on what a child needs. What we think is the problem could be very different from what a child thinks is the problem.

2) What should we do first?

This helps map out how a child sees a problem. They might have missing information and think of one part of the story. They might jump ahead and miss a lot of steps. This is good information! It helps us give a child the missing parts.

3) Show/Teach me what you're working on.

A child learns a lot by teaching and explaining to someone else. This helps with planning thoughts before sharing a series of steps with others, and practicing how to explain cause and effect.

️4) Let's see what other people have done.

This is a nonjudging way to expose your child to more ways to do something. Watching others is a powerful way to learn. Kids can pick what feels right and try them.

️5) Is there anything that we're missing?

Helps with planning and prioritization, metacognition (seeing the big picture), and recalling information related to the problem and information available.

️6) Let's take a break to reset our brain and body.

Hypervigilant brains and bodies panic and act impulsively. Help support clear problem solving through calm moments and patience. It can wait, AND we can do it bit by bit.

️7) Do you want me to do anything? How can I help?

Asking for help is a life skill. Having trusted adults build this bridge for autonomy and self advocacy is something all children need for school, work, and relationships.

Inspired by TEFOS2022 conversation of Seth Perler and Leslie Josel

Failing Forward as a Young Divergent Thinker

“You’re so smart and creative. You can do anything you set your mind to!”

We live in a practical world. When you’re an abstract thinker or an idealist heart, the world can leave gaps in understanding oneself, seeking purpose, or knowing where to start.

It can be unbearably overwhelming to the point where you lose interest in the things you originally loved, or you quit and become the “burnt-out gifted person.” It’s a thing! And there could be this lingering self-doubt that freezes you from trying something new. You can get stuck in a very dark place where you think, “If it’s not perfect, I can’t do it. So why try?” OR you jump from subject to subject because it’s not the ONE you want to pursue the rest of your life.

The messages we get for being smart (talented) and having “so much potential” make us question if we are doing something wrong because we’re not successful. Or if we are successful, we are pushing ourselves towards burnout every day to appease the pressures of being perfect for other people (or ourselves).

The expectations can become very powerful messages we can internalize. These messages can shape how we see ourselves, and sometimes, in negative ways.

Don’t know what to do for the rest of my life — SHAME

A Path Less Taken

When you’re a scattered thinker, your brain and body are supposed to consume different sources of information across time. The problem is parts of our society, especially school and work are made for people who pursue linear, very rigid life paths. Although that can lead to stability, it doesn’t always cultivate curiosity, awe, and purpose.

And what does it mean to have a purpose?

This is something we each figure out on our own. Through relationships, exploring possibilities, and having safe opportunities to test out realities can a divergent thinker learn to thrive. Because the formative years of a divergent thinker’s life involve living in a society that does not support our gifts and needs, we need extra time and support to practice figuring out what works and what doesn’t work for us.

Permission to Fail Forward

Society has failed neurodivergent people

When the world isn’t made for you, there is a common occurrence of “failing” more than others. (It’s a very confusing world.) Does that mean YOU are a failure?

Heck No. You are not a failure. Society and systems have failed so many people over and over again.

School is stuck in archaic traditional systems that create factory workers. That mindset and expectation that students sit for six hours a day and regurgitate information for a test are VERY OUTDATED. Many older generations accepted the life of working 40-hour weeks and waiting until retirement to enjoy life or travel. I am grateful to see younger generations challenge what it means to have a purpose, the meaning of work, and the overall meaning of having a life well-lived. So what do you do after you accept that society and life are more difficult for those who think differently?

• Accept that your cognitive profile is different, which means it will take time to learn what your cognitive strengths and areas of improvement are.

  • Sensory needs can also be something to explore and honor.

• Accept that society is not made for us, which means redefining what a life well lived means for YOU.

  • This can change over time. Surprise! In life, you are allowed to change your mind and explore things again.

• Cultivate self-compassion when trying and failing. Maybe it’s executive function skills. Maybe it’s timing. Maybe it’s a few more other skills you need before it all clicks. As a neurodivergent person, your brain needs different types of learning experiences to connect it to the big picture.

• Think & Journal: Which learning tools and environments supported you the most? Find more of that.

  • Ask others what they think your ideal learning spaces look like, and where your eyes lit up from joy and flow.

• Negative self-talk. What are the painful messages you have about failing or not “meeting your potential”? Journal about them. Talk to supportive people about these thoughts so you can learn healthier, and kinder messages to tell yourself.

• Acknowledge your role in self-sabotage and pushing away good advice.

  • We are not perfect, we are not immune from stopping ourselves from growing even if it’s a good thing. When you’re used to failing, it can be a comfortable cycle staying in the same place. Growing and changing are brave things to do.

• Visualization. Create vision boards, Pinterest boards, mood boards about the feelings you want to embrace, the kinds of careers you want to try, the areas of interest that bring you joy, purpose, and excitement! MAP IT ALL OUT.

  • Give yourself time to try different things without judgment.

  • Come back to the visuals to check how you feel about each item over time. Track how they make you feel.

• Practice failing in safer environments, around safe people.

  • Video games are the perfect place to fail and try safely. So many life skills and growth can happen virtually.

  • Coaching and mentoring can also help shape resiliency to try again and have more positive messages related to failing.

  • Watch videos and listen to podcasts about those who are similar to you, heroes that inspire you.

• Community and resonance. It’s really difficult to do this alone. And although your hero’s journey is uniquely yours, it’s important to learn to trust and allow people in so they can support you as well as witness your hardships and transformation. Online communities count. Fandom communities count.

All parts of you are worthy of being seen and supported.

Reading recommendations:

• Wired to Create: Unraveling Mysteries of the Creative Mind

• Smart but Scattered

• Transcend: The New Science of Self Actualization

• SuperBetter: The Power of Living Gamefully

• Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams

ADHD & Neurodivergence During Homework Wars - You're NOT Lazy, Disobedient, or Slow

Common Phrases an ADHDer & Others May Hear:

“You’re Not Even Trying.”

“Why are you repeating the question? I just said it.”

“Stop doing that (stim or focus activity) and look at your homework.”

“We’ve done this a million times. Why don’t you get it yet?”

This is a common scenario that can be uttered during the homework battles of being a neurodivergent learner. If you’re an adult, you may remember hearing similar statements or having the feelings of frustration fill the room and overwhelm your body. What happens when this exchange and series of messages accumulate over time?

You may internalize certain labels or themes that resonate with being lazy, less than, and uncertain.

When important people tell us again and again that something is wrong with us, we may start to believe it.

It can feel overwhelming and difficult to try again, ask for help, or even want to explain how you think or interpret a homework question. “This person already made judgments against me, why should I even try?” For a young and sensitive person seeking authentic experiences and connections, having this realization can be an obstacle to learning. There is a potential power differential in the room, too. Adults, teachers, and other professionals have a weighted responsibility to see how their implicit and explicit behaviors affect the development of a learner.

This can lead to a cycle that repeats and further reinforces certain traits as a self-concept. Some of these traits neurodivergent learners may internalize could be: “I’m lazy, unteachable, slow, annoying, and unworthy of attention unless I’m perfect.”

So, what do we do?

The Actual Problem(s)

For a neurodivergent learner, there is an atypical pattern of consuming information and experiences in a NONLINEAR way. Being neurodivergent many times comes with learning differences and “inefficient” ways of taking in information.

Is this wrong? Heck no. It’s a different pattern of gathering information, processing it, and making connections to learn. The confusing and frustrating part is that our world and education system are set up for LINEAR everything.

While neurodivergent people are attempting to learn and rest certain parts of their brain and body by going to different types of stimulation sources, the neurotypical world is trying to redirect them again and again to “FOCUS” on the task at hand.

Well, the neurodivergent brain is TRYING to. It’s like when you exercise and certain body parts are tired. It’s time to let those muscles rest and focus on another muscle group or stop exercising. That’s it. That’s the difference.

The neurodivergent brain needs more rest to make more connections because the information is touching many parts of the brain at the same time. It can be exhausting, AND show no “outcomes” because the information is still filling up different “buckets” of themes in the brain. This is where executive functions coaching is important, and learning how to better understand one’s learning processes can help. We neurodivergent people may have to learn and practice exponentially more than neurotypical people.

Certain concepts and life skills must be taught step by step with reasons of importance.

Ross Greene writes on identifying problems and obstacles to growth and success in The Explosive Child. It’s an amazing read and highly recommended.

• Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems

  Instead of thinking our ADHDers (and others) are attention-seeking, defiant, or lazy, we can learn to reframe this situation as a space where certain skills or obstacles are stopping the learning process. This requires having perspective and compassion outside of oneself. Not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone can easily do the same things you can. AND it can be frustrating to see a loved one struggle because you want them to succeed and grow so much. A question to ask is:

  “What are obstacles stopping this learner from learning or doing what was asked?”

  Possible lagging skills to look out for:

• Difficulty with Transition from one task to another

• Difficulty maintaining focus (identify which tasks)

• Difficulty problem solving during (specific subject, assignment, task)

• Difficulty communicating needs (identify which needs)

• Difficulty managing emotions shuts down when (activity), identify which emotions

• Difficulty applying information unless paired with real-world reasons (aka the WHY?)

  Unsolved Problems:

• Poor fine motor control or pain when writing

• Cannot hear or process information with noises in the background

• Don’t know how to communicate misunderstandings (with certain people, multiple-step directions, vocabulary of certain topics unknown, etc.)

• Cannot self regulate during (task or specific time)

• Difficulty transitioning to homework after school on Mondays

Externalize the Problems

When we are able to take a step back and observe situations individually, there is an ability to separate a person from the problems. This is HUGE. It helps reduce shame and feeling defensive. Work towards change can begin when talking about problems instead of people.

Gathering Information

Before solutions can be identified and tried, it’s important to take some time to gather enough information to see when our learners are having difficulties. When we observe without judgment, information can be objectively identified to highlight things we might have overlooked when we are overwhelmed about fixing everything.

Asking Yourself: Is the problem I see the actual problem?

After practicing observing without judgement, and identifying lagging skills and unsolved problems neurodivergent people in our lives have, a wider perspective can be developed. I found it common to see the pain parents and others experienced when their neurodivergent loved ones struggled. It makes sense. We want our loved ones to succeed, and we want them to meet their potential. When someone struggles with something you can easily do, or have tried so hard to support, it can feel demoralizing. Feeling pain when someone else struggles means you have compassion. That is a wonderful human trait.

Again, as the practice of looking for lagging skills and unsolved problems becomes a more common lens of the world, there is also a realization that each person has a different set of skills, gifts, personalities, and goals for this life. We can be honest about the expectations we have for each person in our lives as well as respect how someone may pursue their life path. A stronger bond of understanding and compassionate support can be developed. That can be liberating for everyone involved.

Further topics related to lagging skills and unsolved problems include: coregulation and executive function skills. I plan to write more on these subjects later. Please check back!

Executive Function Skills - Helping a scattered thinker through cycles of practice

Executive function skills - external thinking & practice

San Diego Comic-con Special Edition 2021

I am super excited to be part of San Diego Comic-Con Special Edition! With my colleagues, we will share on X-men as an allegory for the marginalized. The X-Men cartoons, comics, and films have impacted generations of people who feel like outcasts and perpetually misunderstood. Some of us grew up in environments where our unique gifts and innate traits were perceived as threats to those who did not understand. Some of us grew up with the message that being different is a burden and something that makes us broken. We learned that we were only accepted if we hid parts of who we were, we masked who we truly were and hid behind shame and fears of rejection. We may have lived for the approval of others, and it created feelings of self-hatred, confusion, sadness, anxiety, anger, or resentment.

Xmen and other references have been the source of escape, healing, and empowerment for so many. Knowing that there is beauty in diversity and increased representation, we can learn to cultivate acceptance for our unique differences as well as see others more wholly and compassionately. Many times we fear what we do not understand, and that can make countless people feel less than. It can create cycles of misunderstanding, pain, and rejection.

As pop culture has evolved in terms of diversity, inclusion, and antiracist practices, it is important to honor where we come from. This panel will explore the personal narratives and insights of Leo Partible, Tara Avery, Lorran Garrison, and Boontarika Sripom (me). We will share on perspectives of BIPOC, Neurodivergent, and LGBTQIA community members and professionals in the creative industry, educational, mental health, and helping professions.

We will also remind and highlight spaces that offer solace and community to geeks and misunderstood. Comic shops, cons, meetups, Discords, online games, a friend’s house to play D&D—these are all hubs for safety and escape from a world that reminds us too often that we are “broken". Being misunderstood is not the same.

We get that reminder when we find community, that there are others like us. There is hope to thrive when our experiences are honored.

How to Apply the X-men & Other References: Learning & Supporting the Needs of the Neurodiverse, BIPOC, & LGBTQIA+

Sunday November 28 1-2pm, Room 2

San Diego Comic-Con Special Edition

SOCIALS:

Lorran Garrison, School Psychologist Instagram

Leo Partible (Storyteller, Film, Comics, Music+) Instagram

• www.matchmademovie.com

Tara Avery (Stacked Deck Press) Instagram

• www.stackeddeckpress.com

Boontarika Sripom (Therapy-Informed Life Coach) Instagram

• www.organizedmesses.com

X-Men ‘97 logo, Marvel Studios

UPDATE!: X-Men ‘97 is coming to Disney+

This panel will also help celebrate X-Men ‘97 coming to Disney+ in 2023. The animated series empowered generations of people who felt misunderstood. Many of us continue to feel misunderstood, like mutants. We attempt to speak our truths and seek safety in community. Having shared narratives of difference, compassion, struggle, survival, and thriving are what makes X-Men and other heroic sagas so influential and lasting.

We see ourselves when we need to be seen. We see possibility to fight for who we are, and that others have and will go through similar battles just to exist. We also see that there are those who will stand up and fight for others, uplift, mentor, and protect.

Here’s to another generation of mutants being able to embrace their differences in a world that isn’t always made for us. Here’s to hope that we continue finding one another to create our own schools for gifted youngsters.

How to Create Safe Spaces in the Geek Community During Traumatic Times: Survive the Zombie (Covid) Apocalypse (Lorran Garrison, Robert Rice, & Jamila Mahfudh)

How to Create Safe Spaces in the Geek Community During Traumatic Times: Survive the Zombie (Covid) Apocalypse

Saturday November 27th 1-2 pm Room 2

My colleagues Lorran Garrison & Jamila Mahfudh are on another panel with Robert Rice discussing how geek culture saved us during pandemic, and ways to integrate back into society after experiencing the Covid apocalypse. We cannot go back to how things used to be. There are things learned and wonderful gifts of connection and story that can empower us towards something better.

SOCIALS

Lorran Garrison, School Psychologist Instagram

Jamila Mahfudh (Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist)

• www.jamilatherapy.com

Robert Rice (actor, singer, co-producer of DemonHuntr)

• www.robertriceonline.com

Therapeutic Metaphors in the Hit Anime Demon Slayer (Guest Post by Dr. Gian Ramos)

About Dr. Gian Ramos

Being INFP with ADHD I spent a lot of my younger years on introspection. In a world that seemed entirely overwhelming, laying in bed looking up at the ceiling, and pondering the meaning of life was one of the ways I learned to cope with it all. As a kid, I loved reading books, but my ADHD made it so that I was only able to engage in books when I was at my optimum mindset. More often than not, anime and manga served as the backdrop for my musings, it's captivating visuals kept my wayward mind focused long enough for me to immerse myself in the complex themes and the writing that often centers sensitivity as a strength. Anime gave me the tools to work on my mental health at a time when both my home and school environment were unable to lift me up.

Today, I try my best to take all the life lessons that I learned in my own childhood and put them to good use in my work as a medical doctor. As a medical student, I made it a point to work often in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Unit as Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is the field that I intend to specialize in. Throughout my years of study I've noticed that, like myself, a large fraction of patients I've had in this setting are anime fans and often relate to anime characters emotionally. Often, parents come to me with concerns over their children's viewing habits. "She's watching this new show called Demon Slayer, and I'm scared that it may be too violent for her." To be clear, I completely understand that Demon Slayer is a series intended for young adults. The series begins with the grisly murder of the main character's family and blood and gore are an essential part of the series' storytelling as demons can only be killed through decapitation. However, whenever I am approached about how one should address this situation I cannot help but think of my 10-year-old self, watching Inuyasha (an equally if not more graphic show) late at night, wishing my parents would one day ask me about the media that fascinated me back then. I am an advocate for showing interest in the media that sparks joy in your children and asking questions while not shying away from difficult topics.

In the interest of framing the value that anime can have in a therapeutic setting, I want to discuss the various potential subjects in which one could leverage a kid's love of the currently incredibly popular series Demon Slayer to help improve your relationship with them and also set the stage for vital metaphor-driven discussions around mental health, trauma, and growth.

• Demon Slayer features a surprisingly sensitive male protagonist

  • The main plot in Demon Slayer revolves around the main character Tanjiro.  A boy with a surprisingly strong sense of smell and a strong sense of responsibility.  He dutifully cared for his family and was a valued member in his community until one day he returned to find that his family was murdered by demons.  The only one left alive was his sister who had been cursed to become a demon.  The way demons function in Demon Slayer is very similar to the way vampires work in western myth.  Demons have a natural thirst for humans that is very hard to fight against.  In the first few minutes of the show a Demon Slayer berates the main character for being "too sensitive" when confronted with the idea that because his sister has turned into a demon he should find the resolve to end her misery by taking her life.  But our main character finds the inner strength to commit himself to the task of finding a way to cure his sister's curse, despite the expectations of the status quo that demand he discard his brotherly love in favor of disposing of his clearly affected sister.
    
    Many of the kids I have worked with have related to Tanjiro's story.  One, for example, told me: "I have a brother that is autistic. I have friends that judge me when I prioritize my brother's needs because I love him."  Finding stories of characters with the same sensitivity and fraternal love can be incredibly validating in a world where boys are encouraged to bury their emotions and emulate toxic masculinity.  Tanjiro's kindness and sensitivity is a theme throughout the series.  He often attracts others through kindness.

• Becoming a Demon Slayer: Mindfulness and Executive Function Skills

  • For any series that centers on a class of warriors or wizards, it is important to read what value these disciplines hold for our own daily lives.  A kid who loves Star Wars most likely would like to be a Jedi, there is plenty of work being done in utilizing Jedi metaphors to teach children about mindfulness.  Similarly, a child who watches Naruto most likely dreams of becoming a ninja.  The Demon Slayers are a group of people who fight demons, which alone holds a strong metaphoric value given that we often define our struggles as demons ("I'm fighting my demons").  But there are aspects of Tanjiro's Discipline that can be leveraged to teach someone how to develop mental health skills:
    

• Total Concentration and Mindfulness

  • Tanjiro harnesses the power of Total Concentration when he fights demons.  In short Total Concentration is a technique that relies on regulating your breathing in moments of strife in order to center yourself.  It communicates an essential skill for any swordsman who fights their own demons.  In order to perform at your best capacity, you must prepare your mind and body and remain calm.  Tanjiro uses his breathing not only to center himself but also to imbue his strikes with decisiveness.  This is a basic concept in both yoga and martial arts, proper breathing helps regulate heart rate and relaxes our muscles.  It is one of the most ancient and simple ways in which one can exercise mind over matter in moments of tension. Talking about breathing using Tanjiro's Total Concentration technique as a framework is an excellent way to teach kids mindfulness in a context that is fun and empowering.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Following the Thread to a Clean Strike

  • Demon Slayer is a visual spectacle.  When Tanjiro achieves a state of flow in a battle where his mind is centered and his strikes are true his blades flow like water.  The series represents this state of flow by allowing us to see how Tanjiro visualizes his water style.  Every strike leaves streams of water in its wake in a grand Ukiyo-e style. During the first arc in the series, Tanjiro's teacher tells him that he cannot apply to the test of becoming a Demon Slayer until Tanjiro proves his worth by cutting a large boulder with his sword.  Tanjiro spends months trying to achieve this to no success.  It is after a long time that Tanjiro learns to visualize a thread that extends from his sword to the target he intends to strike.  It is interesting to mention that while the series expertly animates all of its fight scenes showing how the thread that Tanjiro visualizes connects his strike, the series makes it very clear that the very same spectacle is a result of Tanjiro's skillful use of visualization.
    
    As someone who is neurodiverse, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be able to properly institute goals and visualize the path to achieving them.  In more simple terms we can talk about the art of breaking in martial arts.  We've probably all witnessed the way a martial art expert can set a pile of bricks in front of them and break them to show the mastery of their art.  What we often don't know is that this test does not only measure strength, but also conviction and visualization skills.  An initiate to the martial arts is only able to measure their strikes to their targets, when they punch they do not visualize their fists going through the target for maximum impact.  When you practice the art of breaking you are visualizing your strike going through the breakable object.  You are also accepting the pain that comes with meeting such a hard object but you have the confidence that you will come out successful on the other side.
    
    When I was diagnosed with ADHD one of the most useful skills I added to my toolbelt was the skill of visualizing my goals and the path to accomplishing them, I also learned not to visualize the bare minimum (lest my strikes fail me) but to visualize a strike that falls a bit further than my goal to make sure I at least land a decent strike.  In therapeutic work, this often means putting various measures and methods to arrive at the same goal to ensure success.  It is vital that one be able to visualize the thread that will make sure your blade will strike true.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Tanjiro and his Senses

  • Tanjiro is intensely aware of his strengths and knows when to use them and when to rely on his support system.  Demon slayers tend to have a hyper-developed sense that they can rely on.  For Tanjiro it is his sense of smell, for his friend Zenitsu is his sense of hearing.  Tanjiro knows to use his sense of smell as a strength when fighting and when tracking demons.  More importantly, he knows to rely on his support system when he is overwhelmed.  When Tanjiro engages in battle there are various situations where demons use his heightened sense of smell against him.  They will often flush the battlefield with demonic energy that has a distinctively bad smell.  Tanjiro usually takes stock of the resources he has around him.  When he is alone he focuses on his Total concentration and reads the battlefield sometimes tactically retreating to gather information and strategize. 

  • When he is with his friends he communicates his needs and lets them know that he is overwhelmed and requires help from his friends.  He'll often say things like: "I am overwhelmed by the smells, I'm going to need to rely on you hearing to get me through this fight."  Having a character who is aware of his strengths and weaknesses and is able to communicate them to his benefit is character representation that is always needed in my book. 

    Too often highly sensitive individuals feel that communicating their needs will push others away and label them as nuisances.  However, a character like Tanjiro is a hero that is unashamed of their sensitivities and by communicating his needs manages to be a valuable asset to any team. 

These are a few examples I've thought of at the top of my head, but if there's anything I've learned from being in the Geek Therapy community is that in every narrative there are a wealth of metaphors that we can use in therapeutic practice.  The hard work of looking inward and developing executive function skills can seem daunting, especially when we are working with children.  However, stories like the ones Demon Slayer provides are great ways to reframe a conversation to one of empowerment and self-discovery.  After all, who doesn't want to be a Jedi, a ninja, or a demon slayer?  Even in adulthood, when our inner child is gasping for release, these metaphors are incredibly useful for keeping our self-care work motivating and rewarding.  Through Tanjiro we can learn to be sensitive, to care for those we love, to set our goals and a path to success, to communicate our needs and take stock of our strengths, to be better versions of ourselves.  If we can co-opt these narratives for our betterment why wouldn't we? If this message resonates with you, imagine what other narratives in the vast ocean that is geek culture lie waiting to be discovered, transformed, and applied to our betterment.

Images are used for educational and informational purposes. 

Attribution: Demon Slayer is written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge and published by Shueisha and Aniplex of America CC by 2.0

Dr. Gian Ramos, Medical Doctor & Chief Medical Advisor for Geek Therapy

Dr. Gian Ramos is a content creator for the Geek Therapy Podcasts Network. To see more of his content please check out the Here Comes a Thought podcast (A Steven Universe Psychology Recap Podcast) and Otaku Ryoho (An Anime and Philosophy/Psychology Podcast). You may also Contact him directly on the Geek Therapy Facebook, Discord, or on Twitter at @Psychogonically

Asynchronous Development in Gifted People

This image summarizes a common trait of gifted individuals: asynchronous development. We impart seemingly profound wisdoms and possess heightened skills in particular realms, and then we trip a lot. We bump into the kitchen counter often and forget where we left our keys. Everyday. We don't know how to tie our shoes, or have tantrums because we were interrupted during a preferred activity.

We like My Little Pony and trains obsessively, memorize random facts, and go on binges for information and trivia. Some of us can ace all the quizzes and master language arts and music, but struggle immensely in science or history. We can instill awe of the universe and possibility to our peers one moment, and be unable to read the social cues of when to speak in conversations at others.

We stim, and some of us hand flap. We many times get seen only for our cognitive strengths and denied our wholeness with our vulnerable, intense emotions, learning differences, and physical experiences.

"You're too smart to behave this way." "Why aren't you successful yet?" "Why are you acting like a baby when you just spoke about meta cognition and saving the oceans?"

This is a highly misunderstood part of being gifted because the term “gifted” sounds positive and perfect. Many people pair giftedness with pure genius and ease with learning. Due to this misperception of giftedness and high IQ, we have populations of children and adults who do not get their educational, social emotional, and behavioral needs met. The picture of a gifted person tends to be an ideal student, a high achiever. Because of this myth, many gifted people internalize this identify and push for perfection and mastery, which can lead to additional stress to perform or potentially minimizing one’s intelligence and achievement to negate the burdens of perfection.

According to National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) asynchronous development may be correlated and more common as IQ increases. This helps explain how many gifted children may have dysgraphia or a difficulty with writing in general. It’s not that they are lazy and don’t want to “try harder” to write, it may be physically painful or difficult to write because of their asynchronous development and poor fine motor skill development.

Highly gifted people do not have the perfect brain and body, but myths have perpetuated these damaging beliefs. We are not all savants who will save the world through tinkering away in a cave or our labs away from social interaction. Some of us will do normal, every day things, and nothing “special” will result. Many of us will be ordinary, and it will be by choice, or a consequence of not having our gifts nurtured.

Some considerations with Asynchronous Development in Gifted Individuals:

• Mental age refers to the intellectual capacity of a person at their current age. For instance, a 6-year-old child can have a mental age of 9 based on their intellectual performance, assessments, and scores compared to standardized, scaled scores of peers the same age. Mentally, a young person can appear older and wiser. We tend to pair high intelligence with responsibility and common sense.

• It’s important to remember children are children. Their life experiences are not as expansive and rich as an adult’s, even when their intellect may convince others to think otherwise. The myth is highly gifted children do not need guidance or support. They do. The wants to be nurtured, loved, and seen for all parts of who they are is as real as any other child. Sometimes gifted children are only praised for their wit or intellect, which leads to an imbalance or neglect of social emotional aspects of their being.

• We (adults, teachers, caregivers) may feel inferior when meeting a profoundly gifted child or adult. Questioning information, authority, or word usage may not be a sign of disrespect or a intentional disruption. rather, it may be a sign of curiosity, and wants to understand in-depth.

• Social age may refer to a person’s abilities to engage or process interpersonal exchanges that are typical for their age group. Gifted people tend to be seen as childlike, immature, and at the same time wise beyond their years. A gifted person’s social age may be dramatically lower than their mental or chronological age. This is very common in terms of asynchronous development.

• Many younger, gifted children have difficulty relating to their peers because their social age is lower than their mental age. This can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and isolation, and a widened gap in social emotional skills. This inability to relate to peers may guide gifted children to socialize with or prefer relationships with adults or older children.

• Chronological age is how old a person is. Highly gifted children tend to prefer interacting with others who are dramatically younger or older than they are. This discrepancy with mental age, chronological age, and social age accumulates to demystify myths on giftedness. The profile of a gifted person varies person to person, and this makes it a unique experience for each individual and family involved.

• Overexcitabilities coined by Kazimierz Dabrowski involves heightened ability to respond to stimuli. These areas include: Psychomotor, Sensual, Intellectual, Imaginational, and Emotional. Something educators and caregivers can offer gifted children is the opportunity to soothe/regulate during times of emotional overexcitability, as well as outlets for other realms of excitability. Not all gifted children possess overexcitabilities, but according to SENG it is observed to occur more often in the gifted population. This may overlap with the highly sensitive trait, as researched by Elaine Aron.

• The most common excitability paired with giftedness is emotional intensity where many gifted children and adults feel deeply for their moral codes and injustices that occur. It may seem dramatic or attention-seeking to observers, but is an important part of a person’s truth and purpose. This emotional intensity can present itself as shutting down, having tantrums or defending values when others disagree, or ranting about a social cause or interest. Book Recommendation: Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels PhD & Michael Piechowski PhD.

• Imposter Syndrome With myths of giftedness related to being perfect and not needing support, feeling like an imposter can develop when perfection is not met. When a highly gifted person has difficulty learning for the first time, or fails because they never learned how to ask for help, they can be frozen with imposter syndrome. They feel like a fraud. When the curriculum is too easy, gifted children are never challenged or taught to overcome hardships. When high school advanced courses or college-level work is expected, this may be the first times a gifted person is struggling. To struggle in late adolescence or early adulthood for the first time is a scary and unknown concept. Supporting the needs of the gifted includes preparation for stressful moments in life, asking for help, as well as learning how to accept lower marks with grace.

• (EDIT 11/2021) Chronological and Mental age have been identified as being ableist in the realms of neurodiversity affirmative practice. We have a ways to go with honoring and seeing people as they are, without functional labels. As the helping community learns and adapts to new information, so will I. Neurodivergent people continue to fight for their humanity and being paired with a capitalist view of productivity instead of innate humanity will take a toll on any person.

Please click on the video if you’d like to hear a ramble on asynchronous development in gifted children :)