A Neurodivergent Gift & Curse: Over-Researching and Over Preparing

Researching and Preparing as Gifts

These two acts can be a special interest, talent, and gift others pair with us.

When thinking about hobbies, areas of study, and anything we may be fascinated with, there tends to be an element of research and preparation that neurodivergent minds gravitate towards.

Light greenish blue background. Thought bubbles with a bow and gift box. Over-researching and over-planning as gifts.

• It is a potential love language to share details and rabbit holes of research with those around us, or those we trust.

  • When comfortable, we can share stories, fun facts, and worlds of information about what we love with people we want to share that same love and fascination with. Is it a typical conversation? No, not really. It’s still a way to connect.

• We can help and inspire others to think of things they don’t usually think about. This could come out in the way of, “I never thought of that.” or “Your conversation made me think of this.”

• We can help reframe perspective and share the joy of learning, too. This can sometimes come out in the way of, “I don’t completely follow what you’re saying, but seeing you happy sharing makes me happy.” (This is the wish when we infodump)

• Learning about the history, contexts, and WHY of a concept could be as important or more important than building anything.

• We can impress people with our abilities to scour the internet, observe, or gather information through conversations. Putting the pieces together to form a story can be something we become skilled at. It can be a form of play to build mental maps of things we’re interested in.

• In addition to building mental maps of the things we’re curious about, we can even start accumulating things in preparation for something related to the topic, things like hobbies or areas of study.

• This experiential (and sometimes expensive or time-consuming) act of preparing, can make us very knowledgeable about the hows and whys within.

• This ability to map out information can make us go-to consultants for people needing insights on something “missing” or a bird’s eye perspective on a concern. We can also help identify patterns that people share, and what seems to be out of place for potential problem solving.

Example: Taking up watercolor or drawing comics as a new hobby.

In order to research and prepare for this new endeavor, you might do the following:

• Watch 150 YouTube videos on making art

• Follow 200 IG and TikTok art influencers

• Enroll in 3 art master classes online

• Spend $400 on art supplies, including different types of paper, inks, markers, brushes, and paints

• Order 10 books on the craft and nature of being an artist

• Make an artist setup with inspiration to create

• Pin thousands of images to your Pinterest board for inspiration and references

• Go to the museum, galleries, several art walks, and zine fests

• Add your thing here. We know there’s more lol (aka the ADHD tax)

You may start doodling and creating some artwork, but after a while…

You stopped creating. The hyper fixation is gone. You’re feeling unsure if this is worth it. There’s doubt and impending abandonment of the art supplies.

“It’s too difficult to keep this up. I feel like a failure. I might as well stop.”

So what happens? A few things. There are hibernations and abandoned projects, AND there’s this cyclical process of continuing to research and prepare. Why? Because there’s this underlying compulsion for perfection that sabotages any ability to try unless it’s “just right.”

Researching and Preparing as Curses

The shadow of being a thinker can show up in missing out on lived experiences that add nuance to the theory we’re so good at developing. There is safety in living in the realm of ideas and possibility. Here, you don’t get to disappoint yourself or others in the tangible world. In theory, you have a sense of control over the information and variables to look out for.

Pink background. Thought bubbles with sad faces and doll icon. Over-researching and over-planning as curses.

Even when rationalizing and having thought experiments can be such a joy, inspiration, and type of play, there are extreme ways of being that can make it difficult for us to be in a sense of flow in life.

Life is not all thinking and philosophizing. It’s also not all chasing adventures, eating all the things, and running marathons. Life is both.

• When our default is to think and analyze, we’re very attuned to our heads and the planning parts of life.

• This correlates with not being as attuned with our bodies, physical needs, or responses to the environment.

  • Thinking all the time can indirectly stop us from listening to hunger and thirst cues. Ever forget to eat or drink water?

  • We also may be more clumsy and bump into things, and get lost, EVEN THOUGH it’s supposedly a familiar environment or route. Doesn’t matter, bumped my head anyways.

• Living so long in our heads can make it uncomfortable to constantly practice doing things to learn about our bodies, or practicing something as a beginner.

  • Because we’ve mastered the art of thinking, we can be more comfortable staying a master here.

  • People may have ridiculed us for not doing things easily. We may be judged or mocked for having a difficult time doing things other people do without needing a road map. There could be shame or embarrassment for having to learn things a “child should already know.”

  • We can also be met with disbelief—people say we’re exaggerating hardships or reject our experiences. :(

  People can’t reject or judge you inside your head. There are potential internal and external obstacles to learning how to live in our bodies and the outside world.

Light purple background. World emoji smiling with pink hearts. Living in a world of and.

Cultivating Compassion & Redefining Who You Are

The larger culture has implicit messages of how to be, including how much thinking and doing a person “should” do. We can internalize these messages and be treated like there’s something wrong with us because we act differently. The frustrating and painful thing is the archetypes and stories of the thinker, planner, and philosopher are used in entertainment often. The fictional thinker is celebrated and mysterious, a muse to inspire. But real-life thinkers and rationals are mistreated for living our authentic paths, or paths we’ve created to protect ourselves from judgment and rejection.

• Living in a world of AND can help us become self-compassionate with our journeys of self-discovery and growth

  • We don’t have to be perfect, AND we started off with certain messages of needing to be experts at the things we do.

  • Life is an adventure, AND we can try things for the sake of having experiences NOT mastery.

  • Accepting that your default is to be cerebral AND you can practice listening to your body more can help build momentum toward changes that YOU want to do.

  • You can pick what works for you now AND get rid of harmful practices that are unkind, sabotaging, or inauthentic.

  • You have a gift for thinking AND can redefine how you want to do things to have more experiences in life.

  • You can acknowledge that change is difficult AND figure out smaller and safe ways to try new things without feeling overwhelmed by perfection.

  • You can practice affirmations and saying kind things to yourself (even when you think it’s cheesy), AND have faith that being kind to yourself will help with going on another cycle of change.

  • You can observe the “doers” and see what you’d like to try. Be curious about how you can do something like them, but on your terms.

light yellow background. Pink brain with glasses and question marks smiling. Caption states: what are some of the things the doers do that I’d like to try on my own terms?

Leading with Curiosity

Leading with Curiosity. A light green square with a dark brown bear. The bear has a thought cloud with a question mark. There are fruits beside text. The text is describe din detail below.

• What are the strengths people think I have?

  • It’s something we forget when we are overwhelmed and feel hopeless. We can forget the people who know us the most can also be the ones who can help uplift us.

  • Find and seek out people who can remind you what your strengths are.

  • Ask for 3 to 5 strengths, and if they can be specific with when they saw you with the strength.

• Is there a skill I want to try that people I admire do well?

  • Follow your heroes and fandoms!

  • What’s something you admire about their ability to do something?

  • If you can’t identify it, follow their journeys. Try and map out the moments that stand out most to you.

• How can I modify the new skill to make it MINE?

  • After we have heroes and references for skills and the possibility for change, the next step is to think about how to make it yours.

  • It can be modified with smaller steps, using different tools.

  • The skill itself can change for a different part of your life, or concern.

• Am I open to trying something new as an EXPERIMENT?

  • It’s easier to try stuff when it’s an experiment. We’re just gathering data, something you’re naturally inclined to do anyways. This time the data is about you and using different skills.

  • Experiments are safe because there’s no commitment to stick to it forever. You have to pause after a period of time to analyze the results.

• How will I know a new skill is working?

  • This could be an inner feeling. Something FEELS different.

  • It could also be something tangible and measurable. What small measurements and things can you identify to see that change happened?

  • Was it a change that you like and want to keep? Or is it a change that you’re not sure about? Take note of it.

  • Journaling or documenting your responses to these small changes can help you see if you want to continue with the new skills.
    

Change is about acceptance, practice, and being kind to yourself.

Acceptance includes seeing your strengths in a world that is forever trying to change you into something you’re not. Practice includes the smallest steps with REST across the lifespan. Being kind to yourself includes seeing yourself as worthy along each part of your life, whether you "accomplish” tasks or not. You’re wonderfully you because you exist~!

Failing Forward as a Young Divergent Thinker

“You’re so smart and creative. You can do anything you set your mind to!”

We live in a practical world. When you’re an abstract thinker or an idealist heart, the world can leave gaps in understanding oneself, seeking purpose, or knowing where to start.

It can be unbearably overwhelming to the point where you lose interest in the things you originally loved, or you quit and become the “burnt-out gifted person.” It’s a thing! And there could be this lingering self-doubt that freezes you from trying something new. You can get stuck in a very dark place where you think, “If it’s not perfect, I can’t do it. So why try?” OR you jump from subject to subject because it’s not the ONE you want to pursue the rest of your life.

The messages we get for being smart (talented) and having “so much potential” make us question if we are doing something wrong because we’re not successful. Or if we are successful, we are pushing ourselves towards burnout every day to appease the pressures of being perfect for other people (or ourselves).

The expectations can become very powerful messages we can internalize. These messages can shape how we see ourselves, and sometimes, in negative ways.

Don’t know what to do for the rest of my life — SHAME

A Path Less Taken

When you’re a scattered thinker, your brain and body are supposed to consume different sources of information across time. The problem is parts of our society, especially school and work are made for people who pursue linear, very rigid life paths. Although that can lead to stability, it doesn’t always cultivate curiosity, awe, and purpose.

And what does it mean to have a purpose?

This is something we each figure out on our own. Through relationships, exploring possibilities, and having safe opportunities to test out realities can a divergent thinker learn to thrive. Because the formative years of a divergent thinker’s life involve living in a society that does not support our gifts and needs, we need extra time and support to practice figuring out what works and what doesn’t work for us.

Permission to Fail Forward

Society has failed neurodivergent people

When the world isn’t made for you, there is a common occurrence of “failing” more than others. (It’s a very confusing world.) Does that mean YOU are a failure?

Heck No. You are not a failure. Society and systems have failed so many people over and over again.

School is stuck in archaic traditional systems that create factory workers. That mindset and expectation that students sit for six hours a day and regurgitate information for a test are VERY OUTDATED. Many older generations accepted the life of working 40-hour weeks and waiting until retirement to enjoy life or travel. I am grateful to see younger generations challenge what it means to have a purpose, the meaning of work, and the overall meaning of having a life well-lived. So what do you do after you accept that society and life are more difficult for those who think differently?

• Accept that your cognitive profile is different, which means it will take time to learn what your cognitive strengths and areas of improvement are.

  • Sensory needs can also be something to explore and honor.

• Accept that society is not made for us, which means redefining what a life well lived means for YOU.

  • This can change over time. Surprise! In life, you are allowed to change your mind and explore things again.

• Cultivate self-compassion when trying and failing. Maybe it’s executive function skills. Maybe it’s timing. Maybe it’s a few more other skills you need before it all clicks. As a neurodivergent person, your brain needs different types of learning experiences to connect it to the big picture.

• Think & Journal: Which learning tools and environments supported you the most? Find more of that.

  • Ask others what they think your ideal learning spaces look like, and where your eyes lit up from joy and flow.

• Negative self-talk. What are the painful messages you have about failing or not “meeting your potential”? Journal about them. Talk to supportive people about these thoughts so you can learn healthier, and kinder messages to tell yourself.

• Acknowledge your role in self-sabotage and pushing away good advice.

  • We are not perfect, we are not immune from stopping ourselves from growing even if it’s a good thing. When you’re used to failing, it can be a comfortable cycle staying in the same place. Growing and changing are brave things to do.

• Visualization. Create vision boards, Pinterest boards, mood boards about the feelings you want to embrace, the kinds of careers you want to try, the areas of interest that bring you joy, purpose, and excitement! MAP IT ALL OUT.

  • Give yourself time to try different things without judgment.

  • Come back to the visuals to check how you feel about each item over time. Track how they make you feel.

• Practice failing in safer environments, around safe people.

  • Video games are the perfect place to fail and try safely. So many life skills and growth can happen virtually.

  • Coaching and mentoring can also help shape resiliency to try again and have more positive messages related to failing.

  • Watch videos and listen to podcasts about those who are similar to you, heroes that inspire you.

• Community and resonance. It’s really difficult to do this alone. And although your hero’s journey is uniquely yours, it’s important to learn to trust and allow people in so they can support you as well as witness your hardships and transformation. Online communities count. Fandom communities count.

All parts of you are worthy of being seen and supported.

Reading recommendations:

• Wired to Create: Unraveling Mysteries of the Creative Mind

• Smart but Scattered

• Transcend: The New Science of Self Actualization

• SuperBetter: The Power of Living Gamefully

• Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams

Readiness for Change (With Therapists, Coaches, & Other Healers)

Change is a Gradual, inconsistent process.

When we’re looking for a healer, it may feel like it’s not the right timing, or “they didn’t do anything.” Our individual readiness for change as well as the professional relationship are very important factors in determining when and how change occurs.

Change is a process and involves countless variables. In order for HSPs, Neurodiverse, Emotionally Intense, or differently wired people to feel preparared to change, sometimes an additional stage of seed planting is involved. And this stage is about being accepted, understood, given space to be intense while sorting things out. Sometimes "nothing happens" in therapy or with a coach because a client's readiness for change is premature. Working with and being okay with "not doing anything" is part of motivational interviewing, a skillset that is heavily used in coaching, therapy, and addiction treatment. People deserve to be seen as they are, and when we have an agenda to "hurry up" and change, it can make it more difficult to maintain, it can actually lead to prolonged resistance of floating, or choosing something for the sake of taking action.

IMPORTANT NOTES:

• There are 5 stages of change that we bounce around with. Understanding the cerebral, emotional parts of deciding to make change is as important as the “action phases” of change.

• If a healer is pushing their own agenda, this can cause resistance and additional “stuckness” or regression.

• Part of change is being seen for your circumstances, choices, outcome possibilities, and being okay with not being forced to make a decision.

• Planting seeds and going at YOUR PACE is an essential skill for a healer to support effective change.

• Differently wired, sensitive, and creative people may need additional time and compassion to be seen before they can take develop faith to take leaps into the unknown.

• As always, therapists work with mental health conditions, so they are best prepared to help in this realm of life, as well as other areas of focus or specialty.

• Coaches can help with personal development, can screen for mental health needs, and make appropriate referrals as needed. Coaches may touch a person’s history, but the primary focus is on the present with short-term goals using motivational interviewing and additional methods. I use archetypes and typology systems while teaching clients about the stages of change with a therapy-informed lens.

Acknowledge stuckness and your readiness for change. A good-fit healer can help honor this with you. I am a life coach and would love to help you with any short term goals you may have. Relationships, career, life planning, please contact me to see how I can help. organizedmesses@gmail.com

7 Traits of an Influential Leader

When you think of leadership, certain words and images come to mind. A traditional view of leadership may tend to lean towards powerful, charming, and high-achieving individuals. As these are important, tangible qualities an influential leader possesses, there are also intangible, soft skills-based traits that are as equally important for supporting a team or organization successfully. Here are 7 traits of an influential leader (more will be added on the next blog post):

1) Creativity

Organizations and teams will come across problems and lulls in production. It is during these times that thinking about possibility and outcomes can build momentum for growth. Seeing how a project or company can remain relevant or get unstuck requires a visionary to say, “How about this?” or “Let’s try something different.” When a leader proposes something unique with confidence, people are willing to believe in giving it their all, and it shows. Companies like Apple and Google can inspire employees and consumers to believe in the brand because their leaders possessed the creative confidence to guide a generation to “think different.”

2) Conflict Resolution

Just as our personal relationships have conflicts, so do our work relationships. It is common, and many times there is a protocol to follow where leaders or managers are asked to help resolve conflict. This is difficult because one party may feel more favored than the other. Mediation and coaching may be needed. What is there to do to ensure team members feel heard and respected? Conflict resolution skills involve respectfully hearing and modeling how to communicate with someone who may or may not have similar values or intentions. It requires active listening, patience, and willingness to troubleshoot solutions, even if you think your answer is the “best.” Without successful conflict resolution skills, a team can deteriorate where there is no focus on goals or a larger mission.

3) Adaptability

Leaders tend to have worked in diverse fields and positions. They’ve been in multiple roles that developed a range of skills and perspectives. This ability to see a company or roles from the bottom-up and across disciplines is a huge asset. When speaking with team members about tasks and where a company may potentially go, adaptable leaders know when to increase or decrease their engagement or facilitate team participation. An adaptable leader is not too proud to work in a “lower” position or task, rather, they have humility to do what is needed to get the job done.

Change is constant, and employees or teammates look to leaders on how to respond. If a positive or negative change occurs, how a leader responds ripples across the group which can create confidence or fear. The morale of a group is an important factor with how it can overcome difficult times and thrive. People want to know if their jobs or organization will make it through hardships and leaders are looked to for guidance and strength.

4) Accountability

We make mistakes. Leaders make mistakes. They may say things that were misinterpreted, or caused additional problems. An influential leader apologizes and takes responsibility for their actions and words. In addition to apologizing is staying away from blame. It is a difficult thing to say, “I’m sorry,” but it is also very powerful in developing and maintaining respect with people you work with. It can go a long way to identify mistakes, apologize, and figure out ways to prevent it from happening again.

5) Communication

Communication is very general, but encompasses vital skills for teammates to accomplish goals. If a task is poorly explained, it could fail and lead to additional problems, or low morale. People want to feel competent, but vague descriptions or a lack of explanation can make many feel unsure about what is being asked. Some ways of being an effective communicator:

• Clear language

• Concise statements describing tasks

• Examples for others to reference

• Being open to questions to verify understanding

• Using multiple communication methods to reach teammates and diverse learning styles (text, visual, hands-on, presentations, video, small chunks of information, outlines)

• Checking-in, but not micromanaging

• Listening and confirming the experience of individuals

• 1:1 and group meetings to instill motivation or ensure cohesive understanding of goals

• Praise for efforts and successes

• Appropriate tone, body language, and facial expressions

6) Delegation

Teams need different roles to thrive. If a big-picture thinker is being paired with a rote, repetitive task lacking creative expression, it might not be the best way for them to feel successful or contribute to a team. Leaders can and do see the beauty of diverse gifts and talents within a group. They will learn about the motivations and unique skills each teammate has, and assign tasks that highlight these skills. This can make team members feel more valued and seen for their unique talents.

In addition to delegating tasks, a leader must be able to picture the individual steps and identify procedural descriptions in a way that is clear for others to understand. When tasks are assigned and described well, a team is able to get the job done more easily. A team may have a difference of opinion in terms of work flow, timelines, and priority tasks, so a leader must instill confidence that the tasks given are what need to be done in order to move forward.

7) Motivation

Motivation is huge. Individuals who are encouraged and believed in will work diligently towards the collective goals and core values of a team. Feeling like you are part of something bigger makes the difference between someone who is working because they have to versus someone who works because they want to. Wanting to be at work increases productivity and effort. It can also boost morale and trouble shooting when things get tricky. Some ways to motivate teammates:

• Praise efforts, recognize accomplishments individually and as a group

• Having fun, group events, not always being serious

• Encourage members to ask for help or feedback

• Model skills to develop

• Seeing which teammates prefer guidance or more autonomy with tasks

• Asking for suggestions, having regular meetings where people feel valued

To my younger readers, non-working professional visitors, students, and creatives, please consider how these traits can be applied in different scenarios in your lives. Leadership does not have to be the goal for adopting new or using these existing skills. Interpersonal relationships can also heal and thrive with the usage of many of these soft skills. If you would like to practice developing such skills, a coach or therapist can help on this path.

I am happy to chat on which services would better fit your needs at the moment. 949-381-1894 or organizedmesses@gmail.com

What You Can Do With A Degree in Sociology or Psychology

The following information varies by location and field of study. Having a Masters in Psychology does not always guarantee a graduate abilities to perform therapy. There is the additional layer of supervision, having a registered associate number, passing exams, and documenting one’s hours. What if you don’t want to do therapy? What else is there career-wise, if you have a Bachelors in Psychology or Social Work? I asked a few therapists, and here are their responses and recommendations:

• Group home or youth care worker. The Boys and Girls Club offers such positions.

• Research. Experimental, developmental, social, and I/O psychology. These all require advanced degrees, but they aren’t at all clinical (therapy).

• HR, community development, education, and marketing fields. Clinical isn’t the only option. Sociology or psychology undergrad education offer ideal skills for working within groups and communicating with individuals. Depending of your personal interests and passions, they can be combined with a bachelors to be an excellent candidate for these fields.

• Nonprofit world! “I worked for Head Start, a foster care agency, and the YMCA. I found jobs on indeed.com, social service.com, and craigslist.” (When using Craigslist, please use care and ensure work is safe and vetted in some way.)

• Agencies: “Our agency hires group home staff and therapeutic behavioral coaches with BAs”

• A lot of options: “With a BA in any of the social sciences you can work in the helping fields as a case manager, parent partner, Behavior interventionist, mentor, coordinator level for many city parks and rec and community service programs, in group homes, in juvenile detention in mental health or at a probation officer, coordinator for after school programs, social worker for DCFS. I did many of these for 10 years before returning to grad school for my MSW. Although I was able to really help a lot of people in these positions, the pay maxes out at about 45,000 annually (in LA) unless you’re willing to work for the county in Social Work (DCFS) or Probation…”

• Treatment Centers: “I often speak to grad students about how to get into the ED (eating disorder) field - I share with them how to find entry level positions in treatment centers. I always encourage clients to take any job offered in the field, no job is beneath them because they will learn so much at every level of treatment, therapy, or business.”