A Neurodivergent Gift & Curse: Over-Researching and Over Preparing

Researching and Preparing as Gifts

These two acts can be a special interest, talent, and gift others pair with us.

When thinking about hobbies, areas of study, and anything we may be fascinated with, there tends to be an element of research and preparation that neurodivergent minds gravitate towards.

Light greenish blue background. Thought bubbles with a bow and gift box. Over-researching and over-planning as gifts.

• It is a potential love language to share details and rabbit holes of research with those around us, or those we trust.

  • When comfortable, we can share stories, fun facts, and worlds of information about what we love with people we want to share that same love and fascination with. Is it a typical conversation? No, not really. It’s still a way to connect.

• We can help and inspire others to think of things they don’t usually think about. This could come out in the way of, “I never thought of that.” or “Your conversation made me think of this.”

• We can help reframe perspective and share the joy of learning, too. This can sometimes come out in the way of, “I don’t completely follow what you’re saying, but seeing you happy sharing makes me happy.” (This is the wish when we infodump)

• Learning about the history, contexts, and WHY of a concept could be as important or more important than building anything.

• We can impress people with our abilities to scour the internet, observe, or gather information through conversations. Putting the pieces together to form a story can be something we become skilled at. It can be a form of play to build mental maps of things we’re interested in.

• In addition to building mental maps of the things we’re curious about, we can even start accumulating things in preparation for something related to the topic, things like hobbies or areas of study.

• This experiential (and sometimes expensive or time-consuming) act of preparing, can make us very knowledgeable about the hows and whys within.

• This ability to map out information can make us go-to consultants for people needing insights on something “missing” or a bird’s eye perspective on a concern. We can also help identify patterns that people share, and what seems to be out of place for potential problem solving.

Example: Taking up watercolor or drawing comics as a new hobby.

In order to research and prepare for this new endeavor, you might do the following:

• Watch 150 YouTube videos on making art

• Follow 200 IG and TikTok art influencers

• Enroll in 3 art master classes online

• Spend $400 on art supplies, including different types of paper, inks, markers, brushes, and paints

• Order 10 books on the craft and nature of being an artist

• Make an artist setup with inspiration to create

• Pin thousands of images to your Pinterest board for inspiration and references

• Go to the museum, galleries, several art walks, and zine fests

• Add your thing here. We know there’s more lol (aka the ADHD tax)

You may start doodling and creating some artwork, but after a while…

You stopped creating. The hyper fixation is gone. You’re feeling unsure if this is worth it. There’s doubt and impending abandonment of the art supplies.

“It’s too difficult to keep this up. I feel like a failure. I might as well stop.”

So what happens? A few things. There are hibernations and abandoned projects, AND there’s this cyclical process of continuing to research and prepare. Why? Because there’s this underlying compulsion for perfection that sabotages any ability to try unless it’s “just right.”

Researching and Preparing as Curses

The shadow of being a thinker can show up in missing out on lived experiences that add nuance to the theory we’re so good at developing. There is safety in living in the realm of ideas and possibility. Here, you don’t get to disappoint yourself or others in the tangible world. In theory, you have a sense of control over the information and variables to look out for.

Pink background. Thought bubbles with sad faces and doll icon. Over-researching and over-planning as curses.

Even when rationalizing and having thought experiments can be such a joy, inspiration, and type of play, there are extreme ways of being that can make it difficult for us to be in a sense of flow in life.

Life is not all thinking and philosophizing. It’s also not all chasing adventures, eating all the things, and running marathons. Life is both.

• When our default is to think and analyze, we’re very attuned to our heads and the planning parts of life.

• This correlates with not being as attuned with our bodies, physical needs, or responses to the environment.

  • Thinking all the time can indirectly stop us from listening to hunger and thirst cues. Ever forget to eat or drink water?

  • We also may be more clumsy and bump into things, and get lost, EVEN THOUGH it’s supposedly a familiar environment or route. Doesn’t matter, bumped my head anyways.

• Living so long in our heads can make it uncomfortable to constantly practice doing things to learn about our bodies, or practicing something as a beginner.

  • Because we’ve mastered the art of thinking, we can be more comfortable staying a master here.

  • People may have ridiculed us for not doing things easily. We may be judged or mocked for having a difficult time doing things other people do without needing a road map. There could be shame or embarrassment for having to learn things a “child should already know.”

  • We can also be met with disbelief—people say we’re exaggerating hardships or reject our experiences. :(

  People can’t reject or judge you inside your head. There are potential internal and external obstacles to learning how to live in our bodies and the outside world.

Light purple background. World emoji smiling with pink hearts. Living in a world of and.

Cultivating Compassion & Redefining Who You Are

The larger culture has implicit messages of how to be, including how much thinking and doing a person “should” do. We can internalize these messages and be treated like there’s something wrong with us because we act differently. The frustrating and painful thing is the archetypes and stories of the thinker, planner, and philosopher are used in entertainment often. The fictional thinker is celebrated and mysterious, a muse to inspire. But real-life thinkers and rationals are mistreated for living our authentic paths, or paths we’ve created to protect ourselves from judgment and rejection.

• Living in a world of AND can help us become self-compassionate with our journeys of self-discovery and growth

  • We don’t have to be perfect, AND we started off with certain messages of needing to be experts at the things we do.

  • Life is an adventure, AND we can try things for the sake of having experiences NOT mastery.

  • Accepting that your default is to be cerebral AND you can practice listening to your body more can help build momentum toward changes that YOU want to do.

  • You can pick what works for you now AND get rid of harmful practices that are unkind, sabotaging, or inauthentic.

  • You have a gift for thinking AND can redefine how you want to do things to have more experiences in life.

  • You can acknowledge that change is difficult AND figure out smaller and safe ways to try new things without feeling overwhelmed by perfection.

  • You can practice affirmations and saying kind things to yourself (even when you think it’s cheesy), AND have faith that being kind to yourself will help with going on another cycle of change.

  • You can observe the “doers” and see what you’d like to try. Be curious about how you can do something like them, but on your terms.

light yellow background. Pink brain with glasses and question marks smiling. Caption states: what are some of the things the doers do that I’d like to try on my own terms?

Leading with Curiosity

Leading with Curiosity. A light green square with a dark brown bear. The bear has a thought cloud with a question mark. There are fruits beside text. The text is describe din detail below.

• What are the strengths people think I have?

  • It’s something we forget when we are overwhelmed and feel hopeless. We can forget the people who know us the most can also be the ones who can help uplift us.

  • Find and seek out people who can remind you what your strengths are.

  • Ask for 3 to 5 strengths, and if they can be specific with when they saw you with the strength.

• Is there a skill I want to try that people I admire do well?

  • Follow your heroes and fandoms!

  • What’s something you admire about their ability to do something?

  • If you can’t identify it, follow their journeys. Try and map out the moments that stand out most to you.

• How can I modify the new skill to make it MINE?

  • After we have heroes and references for skills and the possibility for change, the next step is to think about how to make it yours.

  • It can be modified with smaller steps, using different tools.

  • The skill itself can change for a different part of your life, or concern.

• Am I open to trying something new as an EXPERIMENT?

  • It’s easier to try stuff when it’s an experiment. We’re just gathering data, something you’re naturally inclined to do anyways. This time the data is about you and using different skills.

  • Experiments are safe because there’s no commitment to stick to it forever. You have to pause after a period of time to analyze the results.

• How will I know a new skill is working?

  • This could be an inner feeling. Something FEELS different.

  • It could also be something tangible and measurable. What small measurements and things can you identify to see that change happened?

  • Was it a change that you like and want to keep? Or is it a change that you’re not sure about? Take note of it.

  • Journaling or documenting your responses to these small changes can help you see if you want to continue with the new skills.
    

Change is about acceptance, practice, and being kind to yourself.

Acceptance includes seeing your strengths in a world that is forever trying to change you into something you’re not. Practice includes the smallest steps with REST across the lifespan. Being kind to yourself includes seeing yourself as worthy along each part of your life, whether you "accomplish” tasks or not. You’re wonderfully you because you exist~!

Knowing Yourself: Empowerment Through Self Knowledge

When I work with youth, adults or families, my primary coaching interventions relate to helping someone explore and find strengths in who they are. Sometimes the original goals revolve around wanting to navigate this world successfully because “something is off.”

When something is off, it tends to permeate all parts of a person’s life and story. Belonging to a misunderstood community(ies) can affect many or all parts of someone’s life. Whether it’s academics, social, emotional, work, relationship, physical wellness, or being stuck and not moving forward, our sense of self can affect all parts because these parts reflect who we are.

For those of us with marginalized and misunderstood parts and stories, we’ve been told to hide and deny ourselves authenticity to become chameleons to survive in a world that belongs to other people.

When we mask and hide ourselves, we are playing a perpetual game we cannot win. And that’s the truth for so many people. Whether “officially” diagnosed or self-diagnosed (or somehow we just know life is different for us) we see a bigger picture of how hard life is—simply because the systems in place deny us agency and chances to be who we’ve always been.

Who are “we”? We belong to twice exceptional, gifted, 2e gifted, neurodivergent, sensitive, creative, geeky, and disabled communities

Collectively, there are a lot of us. Historically and representation-wise, we have layers of being silenced, mocked, dismissed, and seen in parts. Our everyday struggles are erased when we have gifts, and our agency is dismissed when we are struggling. When attempting to speak up, it could be met with minimization, challenges, or toxic positivity. We seem to live in this perpetual space of not “disabled enough” to be believed, “too smart” to need help, and/or “needing too much support” where self-agency is denied.

Someone/Society: “I saw you successful once, or someone from your community successful once, so you shouldn’t have excuses for struggling. I saw someone else do it, you can too!” “Accommodations will just make you weak.”

Someone/Society: If you have so many (support) needs, you can’t be trusted to be independent in any area of life. Let us able-bodied and privileged people without an understanding of your whole person dictate how you should live your life!

The continual dismissals of our lived experiences could equate to being gaslit where we are uncertain of what reality actually is. It can be “crazy-making.”

It’s a potential space for feeling disempowered and voiceless. It can be a common reason why so many of us wear masks every day. We may become perceived as “defensive” and reactive when attempting to explain our inner experiences, and they could be met (again) with mockery and disbelief. It’s really difficult to explain what’s going on inside when you’ve had a lifetime of people saying you’re making it up.

Instead of trying to convince people our lives have hardships that others may not experience, we become silent and small. We’re not sure who to trust. We mask. We use all our reserves to survive in a world that asks the vulnerable and misunderstood to adapt. So we crash when we get home. We have meltdowns in our personal lives, or we freeze and limit interactions in spaces that are not safe for our whole, authentic selves to show up. And slowly, or very quickly, we become parts of who we used to be. We allow(ed) society and others to tell us what our worth is through external approval. Or it’s just easier to do it this way, and that comes at such a heavy cost of losing oneself.

Something isn’t right. Society shouldn’t be this way. People like me shouldn’t be treated like this. I’m seeing more people speak up about their experiences. I see very slow changes happening. I remember a part of myself that felt joy and authenticity. I want more of a connection with who I am. I want to figure out how to be ME (again), with compassion and curiosity.

Change Cycles - Awakening

After a while, or in cycles, you realize that something needs to change. The beautiful, confusing, frustrating, and liberating process of change can come in bits and pieces, or it can come together all at once.

We are in a constant process of becoming who we were before society told us to be someone we’re not.

And that’s the struggle and fight for your life. As you venture into initial cycles of awakening and change, it’s important to remember that you will repeat facing different monsters and battles. Lasting change involves going into battle, trying new tools and skills, coming back to rest, and reflecting on experiences. REST is essential.

Each time you go out to fight, gather information or explore, you are mapping out a new possibility of your world and who you are. Each time you try this possible identity and life, you are fighting the urge to go back to old habits, ways of thinking, and self-sabotage. This is the time to offer patience, grace, and compassion as we all have hiccups.

The natural process of change ebbs and flows with so many variables. We do not change and maintain change overnight. Even the best of us default to old ways when under extreme stress or uncontrollable situations. When this happens, because it will, it’s time to offer yourself additional kindness for being a human being with a past. Your default ways of coping served you well in times you needed to survive. Now that you are in a process of change, give yourself permission to see more of who you can be. In addition to a person who survived, you can be a person who is thriving and authentic in many ways.

And, whatever this authentic and thriving version of you looks like is also a process to explore. As you’ve spent a lifetime with this part(s) and version of you, consider this cycle of self-knowing where you are starting off as a baby, vulnerable and inexperienced in certain ways. This baby is depending on you for safety, knowledge, soothing, and nourishment. This is an opportunity to offer things you’ve needed from others by listening to yourself. Nurture your basic needs when others didn’t. Figure out what they are by taking these essential baby steps to listen to your body.

Protect this vulnerable part of you and give yourself time to grow and experiment safely.

This means identifying supportive and safe people to be vulnerable with. As someone who may be accustomed to being dismissed and misunderstood, you are now challenging this as truth. This is no longer the only truth in your life. You are empowering yourself by choosing with discretion who is allowed your energy, time, and access to your person.

Things about Change:

• Sometimes it involves learning new things, unlearning things we no longer need.

• Sometimes it involves applying new information to build new habits and ways of thinking.

• Sometimes it involves challenging what you believe is true or how others saw you.

• Sometimes it involves grief for your past self or things you lost.

• Sometimes you change and grow really quickly. Sometimes it’s a snail’s pace.

• Sometimes you will do nothing and that is a win towards maintaining change.

• The entire time, it involves learning how to love yourself no matter what happens.

Rediscovering, (Re)Learning

So now you’re at this place where you know something needs to change.

But, where do you start?

When we lose ourselves from masking or hiding parts because the outside world isn’t safe to be authentic, we can forget who we are. We may get stuck in playing roles for other people.

We’ve probably all changed our mannerisms and personas in different environments. We don’t act like we do around certain family members and teachers or supervisors. Context matters. There’s also the added layer of never or rarely having safety to take these masks off until you’re alone. When you can finally take the masks off…

UNMASKING: IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.

So, let’s break it down to the most simple components of identity and exploration.

• What brings you joy?

  • If you don’t know, what do you want to try?

• How do you play?

  • What are your perceptions of play across the lifespan?

• Do you have internalized negative messages about being a certain way?

  • If yes, forgive yourself for believing harmful things to survive in unsafe places.

  • What if other people were wrong about you?

  • What if they didn’t give a fair chance of seeing the world through your eyes?

• What are some objects or activities that bring you comfort?

  • When you are ready, do more of these things around safe people to unmask.

• Who are your favorite characters? Heroes, archetypes?

  • What do you admire most about them?

  • What are your favorite or most memorable stories about these characters?

• What are your fandoms or special interests?

  • If you don’t know, what are you curious about?

• What did you do before someone or society shamed you for doing it?

• What are some cultural components of your life experiences that are not always understood?

Take your time going through these areas of exploration.

• What are some of your hopes and wishes?

• Who was that one person who offered kindness when you need it the most?

• Where can you safely (re)discover the things that brought you joy as a kid?

• Name some safe people and communities to explore who you are.

• What do you believe about resting “too much” in this society?

  • We all need rest. This culture glorifies working yourself to death. It is inhuman to work without rest. We are allowed to enjoy ourselves while we are alive.

• What did society tell you about being worthy only when you’re “productive” or make X amount of money?

  • The Social Model of Disability can help support transformation by seeing things systemically and affirmatively.

• What things do you need help with at home?

  • What’s the ideal chore schedule, or lack of chore schedule for YOU?

• What does your sensory profile look like?

  • What fills your sensory cups and what drains them, and when does it change?

• Do you explain the way you process information and communicate to others?

  • When you learn about this part of you, it will help others better understand how to communicate with you, too.

Why are these things important?

We’ve spent a lifetime believing there was something wrong with how we processed information and experienced the world. We’ve spent a lifetime becoming smaller and silent where we are not always sure of who we are. Neurodivergent and disabled people are more likely to be abused and develop codependent traits where they seek approval and chase validation in relationships. This is mistaken as love and can be perpetual. Wanting love from someone who misunderstands you or denies your experiences can shape a person where they are unsure of how they feel or even what their identity is.

These questions and bullet points can help start a process of reclaiming who you are. It’s like building a house. Your interests and relationship with yourself are the foundation. How does your brain work? What’s the most effective way you communicate? Learning how to play again, and experience joy without shame can help build a strong home for you to thrive in.

When we chase others for validation, we are asking them to tell us when we are worthy. When we can firmly identify our interests and how our brains and bodies engage with this world, we are taking up space and seeing our worth just as we exist. We can learn that love is not conditional. We can learn that all our parts are worthy as they are.

Differentiation of Self

When you know yourself, what other people say will no longer make you feel small. It can still hurt, and you can set boundaries and state expectations. Their stuff doesn’t change your value as a person.

When we change, we do not change in a vacuum. One of the tests of change is to see (safely) if you can maintain a sense of self around other people. Each individual and group dynamic will change.

*Note: Some people are not safe and you do not need to prove anything to them. Please consider talking to a therapist or coach about which people are safe to be authentic around.

Some considerations:

Change in systems (relationships and groups of people) involves collective shifts in energy, perceptions, and roles. Since certain roles and expectations, and how people were treated existed for X amount of time, it takes time for systems of people to see the change as well as adjust.

Differentiation of Self:

In Bowen Family Systems, being able to maintain a sense of who you are without succumbing to the pressures, past pain, expectations, or anxiety of a system requires “going back into the system” or going back home (when safe). In general, the expectations of others will not affect you, even in close proximity. When there is stress to change, you are able to manage the stress more consistently. It doesn’t mean you are completely at peace or calm around influential people. It means you’ve developed stronger ways to cope and come back to yourself. Other people no longer control your sense of self and inner peace.

Cut-offs or Extreme independence:

When our original systems model chaos and unsafe places to work through discomfort and conflict, we may inherit or develop extreme independence or cut-offs from people. This can help alleviate anxiety and pain, but these patterns may persist into other relationships in life where you do not want to have cut-offs. It can be a default relationship pattern that needs to be acknowledged and slowly worked on.

Some people are safe to be around. Some people DO want to work through conflict with you where cut-offs are not necessary.

Dependence or Fusion:

Another extreme relationship pattern can be where one person is OVERLY attuned to someone else. Your problems become their problems. They want to know everything about your life and get upset when you’re not doing it how THEY think you should. It can become controlling and highly volatile where you feel like you have no space to breathe,—you are always being watched and judged.

Your identity gets misperceived as a part of theirs. They can be seeing your life experiences from the outside, so they think they know how to solve your problems because they are so invested. An added problem here is they do not know what is going on inside of you, and the battle you have weighing the pressure of other people and your inner wants and authenticity.

Interdependence:

We are social beings. The most influential people and systems in our lives create default relational patterns we have to identify and examine across the lifespan. Just because you spent a part of your life having one relational pattern with certain people doesn’t mean it has to stay this way. As we age, our roles change. As we grow, others can grow with us. If you want to change a relationship dynamic, it can move from one extreme to a unique balance of interdependence.

If you cut off certain people and want to grow closer (on your own terms), go for it. This takes time, practice, and adjustment for everyone involved. You get to define and express how close or distant you want to be with others.

It can be a fluid practice where people can experiment and see what works and doesn’t, or needs more practice to get used to. When it’s seen as an experiment, there is less pressure to get it right the first few times.

Homeostasis & Self-sabotage:

There is a power of systems to go back to default ways. When you go back home for the holidays, ever feel a shift in how you are away from home? That’s the power of systems. Scents remind us of old memories. Visual cues take us back to how we used to be. Even people can spark certain neural pathways and muscle memory of how things used to be. And that’s normal. And that’s okay. It happens.

There will be times when you lose yourself in the original systems you come from. There will be times when you default to old ways because it’s easier to mask or show a part of yourself against a system that powerfully wants to tell you to go back. When this happens, self-compassion. When this happens, acknowledgment and acceptance that you’re doing the work, AND it’s a slow process of moving forward, resting, backward, resting. It’s an organized mess. lol

Your change process is unknown, yet it can be fluid, with moments of rest. The same goes for athletes and working out. When you exercise, there must be rest days. There is emotional and physical tearing that’s happening. Give yourself time to rest and recover. It builds resiliency to come back for more work. IF there is self-sabotage, know that this also happens and is common. We do not run sprints constantly. Even if we run marathons, it takes months or years to build the stamina to do so. There’s no rush to get all the change in one go. We are undoing a lifetime of things. We build slowly and sprint when it feels right.

Self Advocacy & Empowerment

When systems and archetypal work create a foundation for self-understanding, there is this concurrent nudge for self-advocacy and personal empowerment.

When you know more of who you are, and can maintain this sense of self around influential people and spaces, you also develop a stronger voice. As sensitive, misunderstood people, we might have grown up feeling silenced, ignored, or having to scream for our validation/needs.

Self-advocacy and empowerment are a little different where you stand firmly in your truths and can communicate expectations and needs without feeling small. Defensiveness dissipates.

And sometimes when you’re speaking your truth, other sensitive, neurodivergent, or creative people may be watching. They’re taking mental notes of your authenticity and voice. It permeates their being and they start exploring who they are, too.

Safety in Community, Uplifting Others

A ripple effect can happen where your authenticity catalyzes authentic expression in others.

“Someone like me feels safe to be themselves, and they’re figuring it out in vulnerable ways. They’re falling apart at times, but also coming back with strength and more of who they are! They are taking up space!”

So an invisible army forms because we mirror one another. We see the truth in each other’s stories and honor the beauty of divergence. Because we decided to take leaps of faith to step into our power and take up space, others will, too. When we continue to take up space authentically, society will adjust. The misperceptions of difference will change.

Does this mean society changes now? No, but with enough of us, it will.

Reading Recommendations:

• The Hero’s Journey of Neurodivergence Self-Acceptance - Katy Higgens Lee

• Jean Shinoda Bolen (archetypes)

• Caroline Myss (archetypes)

• Unmasking Autism - Devon Price, PhD

• Super Better - Jane McGonigal, PhD

• We are Not Broken - Eric Garcia

• The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills - Sonny Jane Wise

• Interoception Awesomeness - Kelly Mahler, Occupational Therapist
  
  
  
  

Failing Forward as a Young Divergent Thinker

“You’re so smart and creative. You can do anything you set your mind to!”

We live in a practical world. When you’re an abstract thinker or an idealist heart, the world can leave gaps in understanding oneself, seeking purpose, or knowing where to start.

It can be unbearably overwhelming to the point where you lose interest in the things you originally loved, or you quit and become the “burnt-out gifted person.” It’s a thing! And there could be this lingering self-doubt that freezes you from trying something new. You can get stuck in a very dark place where you think, “If it’s not perfect, I can’t do it. So why try?” OR you jump from subject to subject because it’s not the ONE you want to pursue the rest of your life.

The messages we get for being smart (talented) and having “so much potential” make us question if we are doing something wrong because we’re not successful. Or if we are successful, we are pushing ourselves towards burnout every day to appease the pressures of being perfect for other people (or ourselves).

The expectations can become very powerful messages we can internalize. These messages can shape how we see ourselves, and sometimes, in negative ways.

Don’t know what to do for the rest of my life — SHAME

A Path Less Taken

When you’re a scattered thinker, your brain and body are supposed to consume different sources of information across time. The problem is parts of our society, especially school and work are made for people who pursue linear, very rigid life paths. Although that can lead to stability, it doesn’t always cultivate curiosity, awe, and purpose.

And what does it mean to have a purpose?

This is something we each figure out on our own. Through relationships, exploring possibilities, and having safe opportunities to test out realities can a divergent thinker learn to thrive. Because the formative years of a divergent thinker’s life involve living in a society that does not support our gifts and needs, we need extra time and support to practice figuring out what works and what doesn’t work for us.

Permission to Fail Forward

Society has failed neurodivergent people

When the world isn’t made for you, there is a common occurrence of “failing” more than others. (It’s a very confusing world.) Does that mean YOU are a failure?

Heck No. You are not a failure. Society and systems have failed so many people over and over again.

School is stuck in archaic traditional systems that create factory workers. That mindset and expectation that students sit for six hours a day and regurgitate information for a test are VERY OUTDATED. Many older generations accepted the life of working 40-hour weeks and waiting until retirement to enjoy life or travel. I am grateful to see younger generations challenge what it means to have a purpose, the meaning of work, and the overall meaning of having a life well-lived. So what do you do after you accept that society and life are more difficult for those who think differently?

• Accept that your cognitive profile is different, which means it will take time to learn what your cognitive strengths and areas of improvement are.

  • Sensory needs can also be something to explore and honor.

• Accept that society is not made for us, which means redefining what a life well lived means for YOU.

  • This can change over time. Surprise! In life, you are allowed to change your mind and explore things again.

• Cultivate self-compassion when trying and failing. Maybe it’s executive function skills. Maybe it’s timing. Maybe it’s a few more other skills you need before it all clicks. As a neurodivergent person, your brain needs different types of learning experiences to connect it to the big picture.

• Think & Journal: Which learning tools and environments supported you the most? Find more of that.

  • Ask others what they think your ideal learning spaces look like, and where your eyes lit up from joy and flow.

• Negative self-talk. What are the painful messages you have about failing or not “meeting your potential”? Journal about them. Talk to supportive people about these thoughts so you can learn healthier, and kinder messages to tell yourself.

• Acknowledge your role in self-sabotage and pushing away good advice.

  • We are not perfect, we are not immune from stopping ourselves from growing even if it’s a good thing. When you’re used to failing, it can be a comfortable cycle staying in the same place. Growing and changing are brave things to do.

• Visualization. Create vision boards, Pinterest boards, mood boards about the feelings you want to embrace, the kinds of careers you want to try, the areas of interest that bring you joy, purpose, and excitement! MAP IT ALL OUT.

  • Give yourself time to try different things without judgment.

  • Come back to the visuals to check how you feel about each item over time. Track how they make you feel.

• Practice failing in safer environments, around safe people.

  • Video games are the perfect place to fail and try safely. So many life skills and growth can happen virtually.

  • Coaching and mentoring can also help shape resiliency to try again and have more positive messages related to failing.

  • Watch videos and listen to podcasts about those who are similar to you, heroes that inspire you.

• Community and resonance. It’s really difficult to do this alone. And although your hero’s journey is uniquely yours, it’s important to learn to trust and allow people in so they can support you as well as witness your hardships and transformation. Online communities count. Fandom communities count.

All parts of you are worthy of being seen and supported.

Reading recommendations:

• Wired to Create: Unraveling Mysteries of the Creative Mind

• Smart but Scattered

• Transcend: The New Science of Self Actualization

• SuperBetter: The Power of Living Gamefully

• Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams

ADHD & Neurodivergence During Homework Wars - You're NOT Lazy, Disobedient, or Slow

Common Phrases an ADHDer & Others May Hear:

“You’re Not Even Trying.”

“Why are you repeating the question? I just said it.”

“Stop doing that (stim or focus activity) and look at your homework.”

“We’ve done this a million times. Why don’t you get it yet?”

This is a common scenario that can be uttered during the homework battles of being a neurodivergent learner. If you’re an adult, you may remember hearing similar statements or having the feelings of frustration fill the room and overwhelm your body. What happens when this exchange and series of messages accumulate over time?

You may internalize certain labels or themes that resonate with being lazy, less than, and uncertain.

When important people tell us again and again that something is wrong with us, we may start to believe it.

It can feel overwhelming and difficult to try again, ask for help, or even want to explain how you think or interpret a homework question. “This person already made judgments against me, why should I even try?” For a young and sensitive person seeking authentic experiences and connections, having this realization can be an obstacle to learning. There is a potential power differential in the room, too. Adults, teachers, and other professionals have a weighted responsibility to see how their implicit and explicit behaviors affect the development of a learner.

This can lead to a cycle that repeats and further reinforces certain traits as a self-concept. Some of these traits neurodivergent learners may internalize could be: “I’m lazy, unteachable, slow, annoying, and unworthy of attention unless I’m perfect.”

So, what do we do?

The Actual Problem(s)

For a neurodivergent learner, there is an atypical pattern of consuming information and experiences in a NONLINEAR way. Being neurodivergent many times comes with learning differences and “inefficient” ways of taking in information.

Is this wrong? Heck no. It’s a different pattern of gathering information, processing it, and making connections to learn. The confusing and frustrating part is that our world and education system are set up for LINEAR everything.

While neurodivergent people are attempting to learn and rest certain parts of their brain and body by going to different types of stimulation sources, the neurotypical world is trying to redirect them again and again to “FOCUS” on the task at hand.

Well, the neurodivergent brain is TRYING to. It’s like when you exercise and certain body parts are tired. It’s time to let those muscles rest and focus on another muscle group or stop exercising. That’s it. That’s the difference.

The neurodivergent brain needs more rest to make more connections because the information is touching many parts of the brain at the same time. It can be exhausting, AND show no “outcomes” because the information is still filling up different “buckets” of themes in the brain. This is where executive functions coaching is important, and learning how to better understand one’s learning processes can help. We neurodivergent people may have to learn and practice exponentially more than neurotypical people.

Certain concepts and life skills must be taught step by step with reasons of importance.

Ross Greene writes on identifying problems and obstacles to growth and success in The Explosive Child. It’s an amazing read and highly recommended.

• Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems

  Instead of thinking our ADHDers (and others) are attention-seeking, defiant, or lazy, we can learn to reframe this situation as a space where certain skills or obstacles are stopping the learning process. This requires having perspective and compassion outside of oneself. Not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone can easily do the same things you can. AND it can be frustrating to see a loved one struggle because you want them to succeed and grow so much. A question to ask is:

  “What are obstacles stopping this learner from learning or doing what was asked?”

  Possible lagging skills to look out for:

• Difficulty with Transition from one task to another

• Difficulty maintaining focus (identify which tasks)

• Difficulty problem solving during (specific subject, assignment, task)

• Difficulty communicating needs (identify which needs)

• Difficulty managing emotions shuts down when (activity), identify which emotions

• Difficulty applying information unless paired with real-world reasons (aka the WHY?)

  Unsolved Problems:

• Poor fine motor control or pain when writing

• Cannot hear or process information with noises in the background

• Don’t know how to communicate misunderstandings (with certain people, multiple-step directions, vocabulary of certain topics unknown, etc.)

• Cannot self regulate during (task or specific time)

• Difficulty transitioning to homework after school on Mondays

Externalize the Problems

When we are able to take a step back and observe situations individually, there is an ability to separate a person from the problems. This is HUGE. It helps reduce shame and feeling defensive. Work towards change can begin when talking about problems instead of people.

Gathering Information

Before solutions can be identified and tried, it’s important to take some time to gather enough information to see when our learners are having difficulties. When we observe without judgment, information can be objectively identified to highlight things we might have overlooked when we are overwhelmed about fixing everything.

Asking Yourself: Is the problem I see the actual problem?

After practicing observing without judgement, and identifying lagging skills and unsolved problems neurodivergent people in our lives have, a wider perspective can be developed. I found it common to see the pain parents and others experienced when their neurodivergent loved ones struggled. It makes sense. We want our loved ones to succeed, and we want them to meet their potential. When someone struggles with something you can easily do, or have tried so hard to support, it can feel demoralizing. Feeling pain when someone else struggles means you have compassion. That is a wonderful human trait.

Again, as the practice of looking for lagging skills and unsolved problems becomes a more common lens of the world, there is also a realization that each person has a different set of skills, gifts, personalities, and goals for this life. We can be honest about the expectations we have for each person in our lives as well as respect how someone may pursue their life path. A stronger bond of understanding and compassionate support can be developed. That can be liberating for everyone involved.

Further topics related to lagging skills and unsolved problems include: coregulation and executive function skills. I plan to write more on these subjects later. Please check back!

Executive Function Skills - Helping a scattered thinker through cycles of practice

Executive function skills - external thinking & practice