Alternatives to Saying, "No," to Kids

In countless articles or survey results across the internet, are the topics of parenting, relationship success and conflict resolution. Some terms that continually show up in relation to these topics are: communication and how conflicts are resolved. I started thinking about my work with children and parents, my personal experiences, and how language can powerfully impact relationship outcomes and emotional events.

It is natural for people to argue. We have such different perspectives and experiences that shape how we see specific events and the usage of language in communication. Some of us may lean towards more rationale responses than others, and many of us may be considered sensitive or highly emotional. And in between, there is a range and shift in using emotion or logic depending on context. We respond differently, and when you put two or more people together, there is high change for misunderstandings or saying things that could hurt someone’s feelings.

This is the case especially for children, since their decision-making parts of their brain are not fully developed yet. It will take time and practice to shape a child’s brain and habits into being less reactive, and there are ways for adults to help.

So, what do we do about this? Since communication is such a broad topic, this blog will cover the usage of the word, “No,” negative comments, or declining suggestions by others. These examples can be used in parenting children, romantic partnerships, professional relationships, or other interactions you may have.

Please note that tone, body language, and volume also affect how someone interprets language. This list can be a starting point to take note of how we default in communication with people in our lives, and the possible, small steps we can take to improve outcomes.

Alternatives to Saying, “No,” “Don’t do that,” “Stop it,” etc.

For parents and caregivers when kids are being noisy, breaking rules, running around, or interrupting:

The automatic response might be to yell, “Stop doing that!” While this can get the attention and response of children, it may also make them feel bad for simply being energetic. A possible alternative could be:

• Give Options: Please find a toy or book to look at. I can help you find one in a little bit. I am busy right now. This way, the adult can control the options, but give a child a sense of autonomy to choose. This also gives a heightened responsibility to have alternative activities available for children to use. Sometimes there won’t be options, but with creative thinking, there could be an increase in finding options when possible.

• Redirect: When children don’t get their way, it can lead to a tantrum. Physically moving your child to another object/person of interest can help de-escalate situations quickly. (Is this something you do all the time? Probably not. However, redirection is very successful when time or safety is an issue.

• Be Specific: Children don’t always know what to do when they’re told to stop, or what exactly it is they need to stop doing. “Crayons go on paper,” is more specific than "Stop doing that.” It also gives the child a chance at being successful with their interests. Instead of “Stop running around the house!” saying “Feet are for walking in this house” or “Slow down, and choose a toy to play with” can help a child make a better choice.

• Identify Rules: Hands are not for hitting. How else can we use our hands? Using stuffed animals or family members can help a child repair a moment of chaos. When they bite or hit, offering a chance to show they know the rules can help pair this memory with positivity and success.

  • What is (item) used for? Show me where it goes when we’re done.

  • Who does this belong to? (Child answers) Let’s give it back to (person), or put it back.

• Identifying the Wants and Emotions of a Child: I see you really want that ice cream (activity) right now. You are so excited, but now upset/sad/angry. As the amygdala and limbic parts of the brain are more reactive with children, it will take time to develop an emotional vocabulary as well as self-soothing skills. Part of a parent’s job is to help give children this language and model how to cope with such big feelings. Naming emotions helps reduce limbic firing so a child can be more receptive to moving forward. Identifying the wants of a child can also make them feel important, even though they did not get what they wanted.

• Reasons or Consequences for Decisions: “If you eat ice cream before bed, you could have a tummy ache.” This may not eliminate a tantrum or tears, but it can slowly pair decisions with consequences. The more we use language to explain reasons for things, the greater the foundation a child may have to not make impulsive decisions, as well as see that adults are not “out to get” them, but have the best intentions for stopping a child from running across traffic or petting that nice alligator.

• Using Humor: Being playful and using humor can very much help soothe a child when they aren’t getting their way. Please note that some situations may not call for humor, for instance, death and serious themes of loss or pain. In general, toddlers and children can be more receptive following rules and quick changes implemented playfully.

  • “Stickers don’t go on the wall!” or “Toys don’t belong in the toilet!” in a playful way is less intense than yelling or reprimanding a child for being a child.

Note: If a child is doing something unsafe where there is no time to use this as a “learning moment”, there may be necessity to yell, “No!” or “Stop!” The volume and intensity of the words can make children freeze for an adult to gather, or more quickly responsive to get to a safe location. In these types of scenarios, there is no need to think about validating a child’s emotions or giving options of where to go. If there is danger, react accordingly and ensure kids are safe.

Is it expected to use these strategies all the time and never say, “No,” from now on? That’s impossible. Parenting is one of, if not, THE most difficult job on the planet. It’s filled with stress, and lots of people telling you to do this and that, and sometimes it’s thankless, and overwhelming. The joy and precious moments of raising a tiny human being into a whole person is worth it all, and yet, there is no one correct way to do it right. Please give these items a try, and if you say no here and there, you’re still being the best parent you can be for your child, and that’s all they could ever ask for.

Book Recommendations:

• The Whole Brain Child | Dr. Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

• Shameproof Parenting | Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

7 Traits of an Influential Leader

When you think of leadership, certain words and images come to mind. A traditional view of leadership may tend to lean towards powerful, charming, and high-achieving individuals. As these are important, tangible qualities an influential leader possesses, there are also intangible, soft skills-based traits that are as equally important for supporting a team or organization successfully. Here are 7 traits of an influential leader (more will be added on the next blog post):

1) Creativity

Organizations and teams will come across problems and lulls in production. It is during these times that thinking about possibility and outcomes can build momentum for growth. Seeing how a project or company can remain relevant or get unstuck requires a visionary to say, “How about this?” or “Let’s try something different.” When a leader proposes something unique with confidence, people are willing to believe in giving it their all, and it shows. Companies like Apple and Google can inspire employees and consumers to believe in the brand because their leaders possessed the creative confidence to guide a generation to “think different.”

2) Conflict Resolution

Just as our personal relationships have conflicts, so do our work relationships. It is common, and many times there is a protocol to follow where leaders or managers are asked to help resolve conflict. This is difficult because one party may feel more favored than the other. Mediation and coaching may be needed. What is there to do to ensure team members feel heard and respected? Conflict resolution skills involve respectfully hearing and modeling how to communicate with someone who may or may not have similar values or intentions. It requires active listening, patience, and willingness to troubleshoot solutions, even if you think your answer is the “best.” Without successful conflict resolution skills, a team can deteriorate where there is no focus on goals or a larger mission.

3) Adaptability

Leaders tend to have worked in diverse fields and positions. They’ve been in multiple roles that developed a range of skills and perspectives. This ability to see a company or roles from the bottom-up and across disciplines is a huge asset. When speaking with team members about tasks and where a company may potentially go, adaptable leaders know when to increase or decrease their engagement or facilitate team participation. An adaptable leader is not too proud to work in a “lower” position or task, rather, they have humility to do what is needed to get the job done.

Change is constant, and employees or teammates look to leaders on how to respond. If a positive or negative change occurs, how a leader responds ripples across the group which can create confidence or fear. The morale of a group is an important factor with how it can overcome difficult times and thrive. People want to know if their jobs or organization will make it through hardships and leaders are looked to for guidance and strength.

4) Accountability

We make mistakes. Leaders make mistakes. They may say things that were misinterpreted, or caused additional problems. An influential leader apologizes and takes responsibility for their actions and words. In addition to apologizing is staying away from blame. It is a difficult thing to say, “I’m sorry,” but it is also very powerful in developing and maintaining respect with people you work with. It can go a long way to identify mistakes, apologize, and figure out ways to prevent it from happening again.

5) Communication

Communication is very general, but encompasses vital skills for teammates to accomplish goals. If a task is poorly explained, it could fail and lead to additional problems, or low morale. People want to feel competent, but vague descriptions or a lack of explanation can make many feel unsure about what is being asked. Some ways of being an effective communicator:

• Clear language

• Concise statements describing tasks

• Examples for others to reference

• Being open to questions to verify understanding

• Using multiple communication methods to reach teammates and diverse learning styles (text, visual, hands-on, presentations, video, small chunks of information, outlines)

• Checking-in, but not micromanaging

• Listening and confirming the experience of individuals

• 1:1 and group meetings to instill motivation or ensure cohesive understanding of goals

• Praise for efforts and successes

• Appropriate tone, body language, and facial expressions

6) Delegation

Teams need different roles to thrive. If a big-picture thinker is being paired with a rote, repetitive task lacking creative expression, it might not be the best way for them to feel successful or contribute to a team. Leaders can and do see the beauty of diverse gifts and talents within a group. They will learn about the motivations and unique skills each teammate has, and assign tasks that highlight these skills. This can make team members feel more valued and seen for their unique talents.

In addition to delegating tasks, a leader must be able to picture the individual steps and identify procedural descriptions in a way that is clear for others to understand. When tasks are assigned and described well, a team is able to get the job done more easily. A team may have a difference of opinion in terms of work flow, timelines, and priority tasks, so a leader must instill confidence that the tasks given are what need to be done in order to move forward.

7) Motivation

Motivation is huge. Individuals who are encouraged and believed in will work diligently towards the collective goals and core values of a team. Feeling like you are part of something bigger makes the difference between someone who is working because they have to versus someone who works because they want to. Wanting to be at work increases productivity and effort. It can also boost morale and trouble shooting when things get tricky. Some ways to motivate teammates:

• Praise efforts, recognize accomplishments individually and as a group

• Having fun, group events, not always being serious

• Encourage members to ask for help or feedback

• Model skills to develop

• Seeing which teammates prefer guidance or more autonomy with tasks

• Asking for suggestions, having regular meetings where people feel valued

To my younger readers, non-working professional visitors, students, and creatives, please consider how these traits can be applied in different scenarios in your lives. Leadership does not have to be the goal for adopting new or using these existing skills. Interpersonal relationships can also heal and thrive with the usage of many of these soft skills. If you would like to practice developing such skills, a coach or therapist can help on this path.

I am happy to chat on which services would better fit your needs at the moment. 949-381-1894 or organizedmesses@gmail.com

Masculinity & Emotion (Guest Post)

Most people, women especially tend to think that men have little or no emotion and that is caused by two related things: Men experiencing and processing emotions differently than their female counterparts and the way society and our parents teach us from an early age that we need to be strong, confident, stoic and successful womanizers. It is a well-known fact that men who talk about how bad they feel, how hopeless, depressed, anxious, paranoid, entranced or madly in love they really are, end up being labeled as sensitive, weak, feminine, unstable, unable to be a good boyfriend, parent or husband.

We are always required to be the resilient and unmovable pillar that will someday be the base of a whole family, an example to be followed. Since we act upon that premise, women often complain that they can’t understand their partner’s emotions, but most of the time even men can’t understand them in the first place, and that creates an emotional gap between the couple. The problem is so severe that even if the man has consciousness about what he feels and knows how to express it, he most of the time will keep it to himself in rumination. That way he won’t be judged or make others worried, but will carry a heavy burden in his brain instead.

There is a high price to pay once you close yourself emotionally from the external world. As stated before, we might get confused and rarely know what we are actually feeling, having only physical reactions and repetitive patterns to guide through the emotional blindness. The risk of developing mental health problems and addictions since the negative emotions won’t leave your brain and will keep it chemically unbalanced in a great issue since most men don’t have a socially acceptable emotional outlet. On the other hand, we get to use rage more often than women. Rage is a great example of a “masculine” emotion, so it is way more acceptable to explode in rage letting it all out than cry and ask to forgiveness or forgive someone.

Concluding, men and women have all the same emotions, but we are shaped in a way that it’s not very acceptable for men to find puppies cute, express their love towards women, cry from grief or after watching an emotional movie, after losing the love of their lives, their jobs, even hugging friends or making deeply emotional conversations with others about their biggest fears, traumatic experiences, health issues, financial problems or anything that could be viewed as a weakness, unfortunately most of the times can and will be shunned.

Ivan Baretto's MBTI preference is INTP, and he is from Brazil. He is currently a student where he is studying computer engineering. He likes cute things like Rillakuma, gaming, and Japanese language/culture. If you'd like to connect with him on FaceBook, click here.