Finding Safety to Feel Strong Emotions...

Words can hurt us. Feeling misunderstood can hurt us.

Photo credit: seb kim

Photo credit: seb kim

When the pain from the past creeps up, and we're met with the words, "You're still dealing with THAT?, it can feel like we're alone, and it can feel shameful. Our feelings and experiences are not being honored or validated at times because it seems like it is too much for others.

What are some reasons others would stop the sharing of painful things? Perhaps it is too much for others at the moment. It may bring up feelings of discomfort in others to see you in pain. It can be frustrations with not knowing what to do to make it better. Many times, people want to help, yet they are not prepared to do so. Instead of showing empathy, people can sometimes shut the emotions down because of this discomfort. 

It could also be societal norms that dictate which things are "more appropriate" to talk about in public. Stigma is very real, and it affects how many of us are allowed to share our personal experiences with others. 

So, what can you do to ensure you're able to process these feelings, and create a safe space?

Identify safe people.

Start with family or friends. Sometimes it will not be family, but people who have gone through similar things. Support groups, hotlines, or FaceBook groups might be a starting point.

Identify safe spaces.

Talking in loud, public places like the supermarket might not be the best places to share pains. Identify quiet, private places that you and the other person feel comfortable with having a conversation together. Think about confidentiality and if you want your information shared with people nearby.

Take a break to compose your words.

Take some deep breaths. Write your words down if it's easier to talk about how you are feeling, and what you need. Drinking tea, or a comforting beverage can help calm you down where you can write what's going on. It doesn't all have to be logical; the goal is to get the energy outside your body. Writing can help organize thoughts so when it is time to share, it can be easier to explain what you're going through, and what others can or can't do to help you during this process.

Develop boundaries.

It's okay to tell others how their behavior is treating you. Using "I-Messages", you can talk about how you're feeling when not given permission to share your experience.

"I felt disrespected/sad/(emotion) when [you said (x,y,z), you didn't listen...]

Offer opportunity for repair.

State what behavior you want, or how someone can show care. Lots of people do not know what to do to comfort someone in pain.

  • "When I am sad, and need to talk, I want you to [x, y, z]. It would make me feel (loved, understood, important) if you did this. 

NOTE: If you do not know what you want/need from a loved one when you are upset, it is unfair to ask of it from them. If this is the case, take time alone to figure out what helps you improve your mood, and what helps you sort through your thoughts and emotions.

Small amounts of time.

Sometimes new information is easier to swallow in tiny bits. People need time to process as much as you do. If a problem has affected you for a long time, that means you've had a long time to think about it. Offer others a little more time to understand what you're going through by talking about it briefly every now and then. (In the meantime, you can write about it, or make art about your experience.)

Maintain respect for others.

Sometimes the best you can do is offer others compassion when they cannot understand you. You can still interact with people who do not get you; just limit how much you share, knowing that they will not understand. There can be other things to talk about. If you do not feel safe with certain people, then it is at your discretion to interact or not interact with these people.

If you're unable to find safe people after several attempts, keep looking.

Online support groups might be an option. Talking with a therapist for a short while can also be an option. Journaling and reading books related to what you're going through is also an excellent option. 

How do you make sure your feelings are being respected by others? Where do you go to talk about things that have affected you for a long time?

5 Things About Comikaze - Artists, Comics, & Cute Things

Ashley A. Woods, illustrator for niobe. she is super kind, and enthusiastic. I think she teared up hearing me speak on my love of art and children ^__^ thank you for representing and making an amazing story~ 

Ashley A. Woods, illustrator for niobe. she is super kind, and enthusiastic. I think she teared up hearing me speak on my love of art and children ^__^ thank you for representing and making an amazing story~ 

Comikaze is a convention created by Stan Lee where lovers of geek, sci-fi, tech, pop-culture, fantasy, video games, and anime culture could get together and share their interests. Yes, San Diego Comic Con and countless superhero movies (Avengers, Batman, Spiderman...etc) did put geek culture on the map for others to enjoy. Comikaze is a little smaller, with less emphasis on creating a geek and popular-culture community by and for community members. 

This was the fourth annual Comikaze convention, and I've attended the first and fourth year. It's amazing to see how much growth and cohesion a community can have within four years. I can't wait to go next year. Here are some photos from the event:

5 Reasons Why Comikaze & Other Comic Events are Awesome

1) You get to share a joy you have with others.

If you are a parent, you can share your geeky side with your kids, or get to know your child better by sharing in their joys and their world. :)

2) You can discover new interests.

Liking comics and/or anime can lead you to discovering you have an interest in certain video games, sci-fi or fantasy culture. It can be difficult finding venues that cater to specific interests, so these conventions can help you find what you're looking for and explore new joys.

3) You can connect with others.

There was a stronger stigma with geek culture in the past, and I acknowledge that things are getting better. Sometimes it can still feel isolating having the interests you have, and not being able to talk to someone about it. Attending conventions can help find your tribe. This does take some bravery to talk to strangers, though. After a couple conversations, maybe you'll start following each other on Pinterest or Instagram, and become friends in the future. 

4) You can support local artists.

This is important to me. When conventions get really big, it's not easy for local artists to get their art out there any more. Comikaze is still small enough where there's a huge section of the venue allocated for local and small businesses. I think this is important to help promote a healthy artist community.

5) You can fuel creative inspiration.

As a creative individual, seeing what others are making can help guide your creative process. You can ask each other for tips on materials, deals on production, and support each other emotionally and financially. It was awesome seeing artists freely share how they made their work, and resources they had on how to market. I think sharing tools keeps the community strong. 

If you went to Comikaze, did you cosplay? I wore my My Little Pony (MLP) shirt, and noticed lots of Harley Quinns and Deadpools. One day was not enough to walk through the entire venue and enjoy myself. So next year, I hope on going for at least two days.