Video Games & Safety to Practice Life Skills

Why Some Neurodivergent Gamers Seek Safety in Gaming Spaces

My posts are specifically for neurodivergent people and those who consider video gaming an integral part of their lives. When our brains and bodies are different, there are things even we don’t fully understand about ourselves. We wouldn’t be able to explain to others why taking part in a virtual world is so powerful and important, but it is. I hope to write on reframing experiences to add to how we see others in our lives, and for gamers to have the opportunity to explore who they are. This will help you pick and choose how to describe your world and how to advocate for yourself.

Why We Need Safety to Practice Life Skills

Whenever we talk about the differently wired brain, there will be invisible conditions and hardships other people will not see from the outside. There is a high correlation between sensory differences that overwhelm and drain the brain, making “easy” tasks like everyday living difficult for many people. A lot of gifted and creative individuals also get comments of, “You’re so smart. This should be easy for you. Why are you being so lazy?” When these comments and judgments are given over years, it can make someone feel useless, weak, and like they are making excuses for struggling with the simplest things.

Our brain isn’t efficient in some ways. In other ways, we can be creatively gifted with ideas or specific disciplines. Sometimes we’re considered “slow” because of a learning disability or processing difference. Because of these asynchronous brain pathways, we may have difficulty learning something our typical peers can easily do. Sometimes we can learn and do something with enough repetition (like 100s of times or more) or we are being taught in ways that don’t make sense to us so these life skills remain a mystery.

Sensory Safety

With the neurodivergent brain, certain parts of the brain are stimulated more easily and intensely, and others are not. It’s why some of us feel pain when we hear something other people shrug off. It could be why certain fabrics, foods, or scents can make us feel deeply uncomfortable, and possibly in pain. Everything could be more intense, even pain. Living with so many intense feelings or physical sensations can make it difficult for us to focus on tasks or follow through with requests. The intensity of stimuli can evoke a feeling of danger around us. Our brains might be in a constant state of stress where the priority is seeking safety. And constantly being in a state of survival can lead to panic attacks, high anxiety, or fatigue from feeling stressed often.

We try to mitigate sensory overwhelm by stimming or avoiding stimulation. It’s why you see us biting our fingers, flapping hands, repeating certain words, touching things, or humming to ourselves. Playing video games can also be a way to stim or cope with a very intense outside world.

And because our brains are “inefficient” from having our neural networks connecting to many overlapping pathways, it can lead to overstimulation, confusion, or difficulty learning or doing certain life skills.

Physical Safety and Accumulated Experiences

There are many invisible conditions that add to the difficulty of accomplishing life skils. For instance, are you or your neurodivergent person clumsy? Because of a difference in proprioception in our bodies, we may live in a body that does not respond quickly to outside stimulation so we trip on things, fall, griip things too loosely or tightly, drop items often, bump our heads into cabinets, or lose balance for “no reason.” It can be a dangerous place for the extra clumsy where part of our brain power is being used to not fall or drop something when a typical person doesn’t have to use extra brain power to do the same thing.

So our reserves are being drained more quickly because our bodies aren’t calibrated with the environment. Over time, we may also implicitly or explicitly get the message that the world is an unsafe place. (All the accidents, tripping, falling, and bumping into things over the years may be another reason why we seek comfort inside and with video games) It’s safe inside!

Chronic and (Unnamed) Conditions

Being in the Neurodiversity Affirmative Therapists and other (Actually) Autistic Facebook groups for several years I’ve observed seeing stories of certain conditions paired with having divergent neurotypes. Some are:

• POTS Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome

• Autoimmune conditions like Celiac disease, inflammatory bowel disease (IBS), psoriasis

• Chronic fatigue syndrome

• Ehler Danlos Syndrome (EDS)

• Poor Interoception — inability to sense hunger and thirst cues, how our body responds to stimulation, correlated with an inability to identify emotions and self regulate

• Learning Disabilities like Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, Dyslexia

These conditions (and more) contribute to the complex inner workings of a person who could be trying every day to manage pain and flare-ups in addition to accomplishing daily tasks. The medical part, especially when undiagnosed or identified, can make someone feel like they have no language to explain why they’re so tired, have brain fog, feel pain, or can’t do something at the moment when other people can.

Bullying, Misunderstandings

When you’re different, you can be a target for bullying and jokes. People could think it’s lighthearted to take jabs at someone for being different, but again, years of people making comments about how you communicate, your habits, interests, and the way you dress add up. It’s not fun being the target for jokes at every social gathering or having a feeling you’re being made fun of, but you can’t really understand why either.

It’s safer and more enjoyable being home playing games. Your online friends or video game characters won’t betray you. They’ll always be there.

When you’re misunderstood often, without the language to communicate needs or your inner experiences, it can feel like being between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes or many times, people may get frustrated over your way of thinking or processing stimulation where they think you’re acting out or attention seeking instead of getting tasks done. Behind the surface of a tantrum or looking “noncompliant” could be:

• Sensory or emotional overwhelm

• Not understanding the directions

• Foundational skills other people learn without being taught, we need to be taught so we are perpetually confused and making mistakes

• Not knowing how to use a tool

• Forgetting how to do something

• Auditory processing differences

• Fatigue or pain from chronic conditions associated with neurodivergence (but not always known or diagnosed)

• Shame from being told again and again how to do something but not getting it

• A trauma response with having a hypervigilant brain and body

Shame & Mistakes

• “Stop asking again. I already told you how to do it!”

• “Put your hands down. It’s awkward when you do that.” (When we attempt to stim to self regulate)

• “That was SO EASY. How did you make these mistakes?”

• “Don’t talk about X subjects to anyone at the party, okay? I don’t want to be embarrassed.”

• “Why are you repeating what I just said? Think inside your head!”

• You’re not overwhelmed. You’re being sensitive and lazy. Just do it!”

It’s frustrating when a loved one doesn’t understand something like a homework lesson, or social etiquette. Especially when you’ve told them over and over again how to do something. The accumulated misunderstandings and comments can lead to shame. It’s difficult to move forward in life and grow when loved ones and society tell us demoralizing messages and don’t always believe our lived experiences.

Social Model of Disability (wikipedia)

The frustrating and disappointing layers of being neurodivergent include fighting institutions like education, medicine, and social spaces to honor the needs, struggles, and different lived experiences of others. Seeking accommodations, inclusion, and equity at any part of life can be overwhelming. You are already a marginalized and vulnerable person and have to provide proof of a need when it should be the other way around.

Asking vulnerable people to go through hoops to receive aid is the opposite of a nurturing society. It is another reason and system why disabled and neurodivergent people are seen as potential burdens of society.

The message perpetuates and can become our identities: If we cannot function and provide economic value to a certain degree, we are equated with being less than others, and we are seen as useless. People bully us, and the systems themselves do not support us. With this societal message and internalized identity, why would some of us want to go outside of video games?

---

Using Gaming to Support Life Skills Development

If so many of us are using games to escape a world that doesn’t support or accept us, why not use these same games to develop life skills?

The REFRAME: With guidance and compassion, we can use the things our loved ones enjoy to practice different skills. Highlighting moments when you see the skill being used can help a gamer see a bigger picture of how to use their interests to grow. It is building a new lens of intention and positive play.

In the same way an athlete needs a coach, a gamer needs guidance on how to perform to their best abilities. A gamer also needs a coach or guide on how to use games to develop intangible life skills.

• Winning & Losing: This is a part of life. The hard part is getting up and doing it again, whether you win or lose. Games can offer great life lessons and sometimes we just need someone to help point them out. Just like being a good sport, the passion and joy come from the game itself and being a better player each time.

• Communication: Games can be used as topics of conversation and they can be opportunities to communicate within the games themselves. Some of us are more comfortable communicating through text or a headset, or with avatars. All these forms of communication are valid, and can help connect your gamer to community.

  • Twitch and other streaming communities also offer a form of parallel play that is comforting and less intense or demanding than in-person socialization. This is a very valid form of connection that can help people feel part of something bigger.

• Planning and Prioritization: Some games require methodical planning to complete difficult dungeons or quests. This is a great way for seeing how your gamer plans and prioritizes tasks in a safe environment. When this executive function skill is not well developed, there could be big mistakes made when unable to plan. Practicing multiple times through a game can offer an easier time to bounce back when mistakes are made.

• Problem Solving: Some games are hard. There are big maps to navigate and confusing directions to follow. Luckily there are wikis and communities to find answers. When you feel like life outside is difficult to navigate and figure out, successfully problem solving in a game can help build confidence to try problem in different areas of life. Pointing out this skill with specific moments in-game can help your gamer remember that they can solve problems!

• Helping Others, Asking for Help: In multiplayer games, there are options to help others. When socialization could be more difficult outside the game, this virtual experience offers an opportunity to practice safely communicating and seeking support from people with similar interests. In multiplayer games, many seasoned players help people. If your gamer is very good at their game, they also have the option to help noobs (people who aren’t so good). This can build a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

• Trying Again After Failure: Trying again after a failure in video games could be easier than in the outside world. Building the habit of trying again virtually can help someone feel more comfortable with taking this skill to other parts of life. When your gamer has a difficult time trying things in “real life” try introducing new types of games over time, and see how they try again with the games they like. Use these observations as a mirror to support praising or objectively noting these experiences.

• Following Directions: The differently wired brain may sometimes come with auditory processing or learning differences that make following directions difficult. To build self-esteem, gaming can offer extra practice with following directions successfully. Again, the loved one’s job is to point out these moments of success so your gamer has some evidence that they are capable of trying again.

• Channeling Difficult Emotions: Gamers have to exhibit a certain degree of self-control and focus to win games. Before playing, a person can coach or practice self-regulating exercises with their gamer so the skill can be ready to access during intense moments. Pair it with how athletes work on mastering mind and body and it can help a gamer learn very important calming skills to be a more effective player.

These skills can be identified and nurtured with your gamers. Video Games can be tools and mirrors of who we are. It depends on how we use them. There is also a real awareness of playing too much where multiple areas of life are neglected. To explore potential trauma work, it’s recommended to seek a gaming affirmative therapist who understands neurodiversity and the social model of disability.

This blog post is a compassionate response to how gaming can be a refuge from the harm done by social systems and the outside world.

References:

• Proprioception — HyperMobilityDoctor IG

• Collaborative & Proactive Solutions — Dr. Ross Greene

• Childhood Trauma: Understanding Behavioral Challenges as Survival Instincts — Dr. Mona Delahooke

• Brain Structure Changes in Autism, Explain — SpectrumNews.org

• Social Model of Disability — Wikipedia

• Learning Disabilities — Very Well Mind

• How Abuse Mars the Lives of Autistic People — SpectrumNews.Org

• What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us — Organized Messes

(Neurodivergent) Acts of Protection

Disclaimer: We all protect ourselves at some point or another. We all use some of the listed behaviors to connect, share, or protect ourselves. Contexts matter. Intentions matter. Although each individual item may be used for different reasons, some positive, this blog post will focus primarily on their protective usage and the neurodivergent perspective for potentially doing so.

How to use the following information:

We have default ways of behaving, and it’s important to name them. Once we name them, we can decide whether they serve us now and if we’d like to keep these patterns. If not, we can identify (when possible) their functions and have gratitude for how they got us to this point in time. We can also be accountable by identifying how these acts can limit personal growth or something else. This takes time and safety to explore. You can explore alone, and/or with people you trust.

Many of us ask the questions “Why?” and “How"?” things came to be, and the reasons for things that we do. A simple answer for complex life experiences could be we do some things to protect ourselves. From what? It depends. We feel safe in different environments and with different people. As you read these brief descriptions, use your experiences and the themes that pop up to guide you in determining what it is you needed protection from. It could be a guess, or it could be something you know for sure.

As you examine this part of protection and safety, it can lead to self-advocacy, creating more safety, and claiming boundaries with others.

Loved Ones and Professionals Working with Neurodivergent Communities:

Please take this information as a lens of how we struggle. See this as a potential way that we are coping and communicating. Please help advocate for us by listening to the ways we may be protecting ourselves and building safety and structural changes that allow us to feel safer to exist.

Uplift our voices. Listen to our perspectives. Expand definitions of what it means to live with purpose, respect, and autonomy.

Some Acts of Protection:

Remember, some of these acts can be forms of communication, love, and play. They can also be forms of protection depending on individual circumstances.

A red and mint colored fire hydrant gushing lots of water with grass in the background, text reads “info dumping as protection”

• Info dumping: Sharing about a special interest or topic where you control the conversation.

  • Info dumping is a valid form of communication and connection. It’s sharing details, stories, and fun facts of specific interests that speak to your curiosity heart. The most interesting things that bring you joy, you want to share with others!

  • There is safety in controlling the conversation. When you are unsure of social norms and topics neurotypical people talk about, info dumping can be a way to participate in conversations.

  • You don’t have to deal with the consequences of feeling awkward, saying the “wrong thing” or freezing because you don’t know how to respond.

  • Info dumping can protect you from feeling rejected and embarrassed when you don’t know what to say in social exchanges.

orange kitten and puppy sleeping, text reads “not taking action as protection”

• Not Taking Action, Staying Still aka Self Sabotage

  • Because we learn and do things divergently, we can have a history of being seen as perpetual failures. We’re “doing it wrong” whatever “IT” may be in the eyes of others.

  • We actually learn and fill many “cups” of knowledge over time, so the results are more in-depth and complex when given the time to organically learn and apply knowledge. Our projects can be novel and creative when we have the right time and freedom.

  • And because of our inability to do certain tasks or skills like other people, we may have learned creative ways to accomplish things that work for us OR NOT. Sometimes we don’t have the skills to get something done.

  • Unfortunately, life and society are not supportive of this way of existing. To protect ourselves from being seen as failures and not “sticking” to things (even though it all adds to the bigger picture), we stop doing things.

  • We avoid the mockery, disappointing others over and over again, feeling the pain of not being perfect (because we’re so smart or have so much potential)

  • We could also enjoy thinking as a hobby instead of creating any “product”. Typical people could consider this a waste of time or potential. To again, bypass others’ disappointment or frustrations with us, we could hide our thoughts and appear like we “aren’t doing anything.”

A yellow boot on a wheel of a bright blue care, text reads “not taking action as protection”

• Another component of not taking action is being comfortable with the stagnation you’re in. This is universal.

• As we think about life cycles and wanting to change, we can sabotage or prolong things because it’s super comfortable knowing what you know, even if it’s not the best for you.

• Leaping into action and trying something new, even if it’s good for you, is SCARY.

• So instead of moving toward change over time, we could lock ourselves in places that keep us in an okay place with known consequences.

• The thing is, when we’re here long enough and have access to tools, we CAN unlock ourselves and move away from stagnation.

• When you’re young or vulnerable, you do NOT have access to tools and freedom to get away from certain situations.

• When you are unsafe, it makes sense to wait before working on change. Some people see you as the scapegoat or black sheep. If you change in unsafe moments, if can cause problems in the systems you belong to.

• To protect yourself from retaliation or other people not ready to see and believe your change, staying the same is a safer option.

Cropped image of a person wearing a business suit, holding a pen and book. Judge’s gavel and clip board blurred from field of view on desk. Text reads “correcting and judging others as protection”

• Correcting & Judging Others

  • This could be a quirk and want for accuracy.

  • It could also be a form of protection in a world where people are constantly reminding you what you’re doing wrong.

  • We could be seen as lazy, weird, awkward, socially inept, attention-seeking, dramatic, childlike, stubborn, making excuses, etc. People may not always directly say it, but we could feel it, and we can pick up (sometimes) on how other people think about us. And it can be draining and sad.

  • In order to bypass the focus on yourself and what’s “wrong” with you, you may adopt correcting others and judging them first.

  • We may be seen as judgemental and push people away. It further protects us from painful judgments we want to avoid.

A small wooden structure isolated in the mountains, background has fog and large pine trees. Text reads “withdrawing as protection”

Withdrawal

• A possible result of judging others and pushing them away is being seen as someone who withdraws.

• As most of us are extremely sensitive to stimulation of different kinds, our experiences could be constantly minimized and ridiculed. (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)

• On top of being sensitive, our executive function profiles make certain life tasks difficult when they are easy for others. And that also can be met with mockery, frustration, eye-rolls, and being told we are lazy and making excuses. If only we “tried harder” we could get our lives together like other “functional” people.

• We could also deal with the cycles of grief our loved ones have of us not meeting our potential or mourning the loss of a “normal child” and it hurts to hear/see/feel that pain.

• As we feel stimulation deeply, so do the emotions we experience. They can consume us where we’d rather avoid such intense pain for disappointing the expectations and hopes of others.

A restaurant server with wavy brown hair in a ponytail smiling at a customer. Text reads “people pleasing as protection”

• People Pleasing

• Some of us seek connection and sensory feedback through social interactions, whether they are completely healthy or not.

• People pleasing can be that safe way to engage with others, especially authority figures, to avoid possible danger, being ridiculed, or feeling like a disappointment.

• This can come in the form of masking, suppressing our stims, not sharing what we value or want to talk about and just following scripts.

• There is nothing wrong with wanting to please others, however, if it comes at the cost of losing who you are and not being able to have your needs met, it is problematic.

• When it is unsafe to be yourself, it is understandable wanting to people please and become small yourself.

A tan and white chihuahua with puffy light blue pom poms on its ears. Text reads “entertaining as protection”

• Entertaining

• Another way we can bypass pain, rejection, or feeling misunderstood is to become an entertainer.

• You can make people laugh, make fun of your own quirks, and have a layer of protection from people reminding you of your “flaws and unmet potential”.

• Some gifted people hide their giftedness by not sharing themselves entirely. They may realize being funny is a safe way to be accepted. We may self-deprecate or focus more on our struggles to make other people feel better about themselves.

• Our gifts may indirectly make people feel inferior or angry, even frustrated and confused because of our asynchronous development.

• If we have many struggles in daily living that frustrate others, being an entertainer can also be a way for us to reduce being seen as a burden.

A person holding a bouquet of white flowers and baby’s breath flowers. The flowers are covering their face. Text reads “situational mutism as protection”

Situational Mutism

• We could be told to shut up when we infodump in our attempts to connect and share that we silence ourselves or develop situational mutism to protect ourselves from being silenced.

• Some of the responses I’ve had when sharing about important topics like social justice, politics, the news, death:

  • “No one wants to talk about that stuff.”

  • “Stop. You’re making it awkward.”

  • “No one else is interested in this topic but you.”

  • “Do you see anyone responding? They’re just being polite. Stop talking about it.”

  • “Are you done with your soapbox?”

• We can also be gaslit about our emotions and sensory experiences where we get quiet and decide not to share our worlds anymore. I tried sharing about my inflammation and joint pain with someone important and they yelled at me saying I was “making it up.” I stopped talking to them about my pain and anything of value after that.

• Somehow when we try to explain our pain, sensory, and learning differences to be UNDERSTOOD, we are met with anger, rejection, disbelief, and told we are making excuses for not trying hard enough.

• To protect ourselves from all of these very bad, potentially traumatic exchanges, we could develop situational mutism. It is unsafe to speak your truth.

A toddler in a dark grey dress and red Tshirt crying. Text reads “shutting down as protection”

• Shutting Down

  • Our bodies have cues that tell us different things. Shutting down is showing us a limit of some sort.

  • It can be a cognitive limit, sensory limit, emotional limit, skill limit, physical limit, or a mix.

  • The frustrating part about being neurodivergent is our brains and bodies are on the inside, and we don’t always know what’s going on, either. The neural wiring and extra white matter make stimulation affect us in very unique, intense ways.

  • Some of the different wiring results in pain from stimulation neurotypical people don’t experience. And when it’s not a typical experience, we or others around us wouldn’t know it’s something to ask about or share.

  • The bombardment we face from having to mask or minimize stimming can also add to shutting down, meltdowns, and outbursts. Instead of being able to self-regulate by stimming, we have to stop because it embarrasses others, or makes them angry that we’re doing something “inappropriate or distracting”.

  • We tried communicating in ways that showed our struggles, but they were misread and attributed to shame, laziness, and noncompliance. We determined it was safer to hide our pain until it shuts us down.

  • If this happens enough times, we may be in a prolonged state of shutdown, or it takes so much longer for us to move from shutdown to safety. (Therapy is very important here, healing with compassion, support and affirmative help and systemic change helps here.)

In an ableist society that continues to value people based on their ability to produce, differently wired people and disabled people will be told their lives matter less. We are told our existence is a burden and a drain on resources. There is much pain from society and the systems that fail us.

Some of these acts may be replaced with kinder and compassionate alternatives. For some of us, we will continue using these acts as signs of needing protection. Not everyone deserves to see all parts of you. Not everyone is safe to unmask around.

Until society supports and accepts differences with compassion, there will continue to be the need to protect ourselves, to be hypervigilant, and to question whether the next person or system we go into is safe or not.

Our identities can become highly fragmented or limited when we choose different personas to protect ourselves. The many reasons and contexts for protecting ourselves matter. As we slowly identify needs for protection and expand our self-understanding, we can move from living in survival mode to one of curiosity and possibility.

Protecting yourself is one part of you. When there is safety to explore, there can be a cultivated sense of inner peace, acceptance, or relief to take the masks off. You can live for yourself and your comfort, however that is defined. Bit by bit, you can reclaim and/or redefine what makes you YOU.

Words from Jamila Mahfudh, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

*coming soon*

Until this part is added, feel free to learn more about Jamila at JamilaTherapy.com

Mapping Out Efficient Systems as a Neurodivergent Thinker (Heroic Change Processes)

Welcome Fellow Divergent Thinker or Loved One of a Divergent Thinker~

Thinking about change systems and cycles is a special interest of mine, and I’ve wanted to find a way to start sharing the complex map of how change can and may happen for the differently wired individual. You may start at different places of this reference, and that’s awesome. It’s awesome that you have insight into where you’re at and the data points mentioned.

INSIGHT helps with moving from the abstract to the concrete. As rationals and people comfortable with staying in the realms of thoughts and concepts, we need something else to transition out of our heads and into the existing world. Please consume this information at your leisure. Take nibbles of it and come back after letting it process. Take notes on what speaks to you, and what doesn’t make sense or work. It’s all important in figuring out what works for you.

This reference can be applied to different areas of life: relationships, personal development, self-care, chores, academic skills, and the creative process. Many times we seek to understand the WHY before things suddenly click into action and change. I hope some of these notes help with your conceptualization of change and being more compassionate with your unique process of transformation.

Change Processes — Mapping the Journey

Visualize your history with change, important dates, people, and any patterns that may come from tracking the information. A timeline can help.

Gather Data

We’re gonna need information to assess where you’re coming from, identify patterns, and establish a reference point. When thinking about change in a specific area of life, how long has it been like this? Suggestions include:

• A visual timeline, summary, list, or description of your life related to this.

  • This process helps with executive function skills: taking information from longterm memory and sorting it chronologically or thematically

• TALK IT OUT. Many times we need to think out loud. As we share externally, ideas sort and can build into a story with context and background. Many times neurodivergent people are shut down or dismissed so our stories are not heard in their entirety.

• Ask people you trust to describe your relationship with this change, and any patterns they’ve noticed. Ask them to be neutral and include objective contexts to help understand what they see.

• A recent snapshot helps, too. Milestones in life can be catalysts for difficult transitions. It’s normal, and it can be an opportunity to experiment with different strategies.

Perform Experiments

Treat change like an experiment. We don’t know what will work unless we try and gather data to analyze the patterns! — Boonie Sripom

When trying to figure out how to change, we need experiential data to determine if something works or not. To the frustration of those around us, and ourselves, this process can look very chaotic. Sometimes it looks like we are going in circles. If we continue doing the same things but they are not beneficial, it’s important to pause and examine what’s happening.

Even adopting beneficial changes can take practice and experimentation. You’ve spent a lifetime or X amount of time doing things a certain way. It makes sense that it will take time to adjust to doing something new. You’re building new neural networks and slowly figuring out if it’s something you want to keep doing.

• Pick something to try.

• Give it a timeframe that YOU want to do.

• Rest and analyze.

Please note some things we do could help us grow in different parts of life. Experiments allow us to try things we did in the past, or heard of when we weren’t ready. When you feel ready, give something a try and gather that data!

Ask trusted loved ones to share observations of you as well. This helps with perspective building in the present.

(If you don’t trust anyone, document your journey privately. I used my YouTube videos to think out loud as I went through cycles of change. When I look back, I can see how much I’ve grown and the resiliency I cultivated.)

Rest

I am using plant and exercise metaphors to help explain why rest is important.

PLANT METAPHOR: Seedlings only need a little water and food at a time. Overwatering isn't going to make them grow any faster. It's important to wait and let the plants grow at their own pace. The same is true for you and change processes. It's good to rest in between growth periods.

Plant Metaphor: Plants only need a certain range of water and food. If you give too much water or too much food, the plant could die, get root rot, or stop taking in the extra nutrition. There is a limit a plant can take, and the same goes for you. Give yourself time to absorb the new habit and change.

Many people can be impatient with change and want to go go go because they’re ready. Being ready is important! Doing the work and accepting the process of change is very important. Your mind, body, and spirit are all adapting to a new way of being. Give yourself time to develop congruence within these parts of you.

Exercise Metaphor: Power athletes tear muscles working out and participating in their sport. There is a huge strain on the body when performing and exercising. In order to grow healthily and prevent harm to the body, athletes rest in between workouts, games, and meets. If an athlete pushes their body when they should be resting, there could be irreparable damage. Conscientious working out also means intentional rest and healing to become stronger and build resiliency.

Analyze Data

While resting and after resting, it’s time to analyze. What happened? Were you able to implement changes? Even a little bit? What were the specific contexts for small successes? What were specific contexts for hardships? Did things stay the same?

• YOU HAVE TO ANALYZE IT. Looking at yourself from a bird’s eye view AFTER performing tasks gives us access to metacognition, another executive function skill.

• We are good at analyzing ourselves. I am certain almost every neurodivergent person has analyzed their situations and some patterns of existence. This time, we are analyzing with a new perspective. This new perspective is in terms of change cycles and self-compassion.

• If we want to change, we must identify what happened. Consider it another short story about you. Step by step, what happened? If we don’t know what happened, we may repeat the cycle.

• Think of one variable at a time to see what contributes to repeated cycles.

Overanalyzing OOPS

Ways to pause overanalyzing. Make a playlist to overthink and stop when the music ends. Hold on to ice cubes for 5-10 seconds, look up DBT strategies. Write your thoughts on paper and see if it helps. Talk to your overthinker archetype and pause. Body double or accountability partners can also help~

• There are limits to this superpower! Sometimes, it’s okay NOT to analyze things. If you know your patterns, you know what doesn’t work. We may need a little nudge from being cerebral to practical.

• This is a burden and life skill many neurodivergent people face. We can analyze all day if we could. The leap we need is to DO things. And this is learning to be okay with pausing analysis.

• Does this mean you have to change who you are? NO, it doesn’t. Your ability to analyze and think critically is and always will be a gift. The next step to implementing change is to pause mental energy for a little bit in the physical and external world.

• Suggestion: Try giving yourself timers for analyzing like episodes of a show, podcast, or a playlist that helps you think. After that, time to stop.

  • I also think about (not visualize because I have aphantasia) using a clicker or button to “turn my analyzer archetype off”. I talk to them and give them a break.

  • There was a post in a Stardew Valley group to play the soundtrack while doing chores, and it HELPED. Find songs that remind you of productivity or play. Give it a try and see if it helps you!

  • Body Doubling or Accountability Partners can help move to action

  • Remember you have a body, not just a head. Nurture your body and the senses by doing something sensory for you!

If you want to find different lenses of analysis, consider the following:

• What is the COMPASSIONATE goal?

  • What does it look and feel like when you inch closer to this goal?

  • Which values are you honoring with this goal?

    • Looking up values helps name things. Looking up personality types and correlating values may also help normalize/validate your inner experiences when others around you may not understand.

  • Ask people to help with specifics. Look for examples of how other neurodivergent people named their goals.

  • Describe it as much as you can.

  • Examples:

    • Chunk a block of time to read and respond to X emails so I don’t feel rushed to complete things at a specific time.

    • Find accountability buddies to clean, do (home)work, or study.

    • Wash a couple of cups or plates, not all.

    • Find a spot to put my backpack and assignment checklist every night to feel less stressed in the morning.

    • Eat something so I have the energy to do stuff, and crash less often.

    • Drink water so I don’t feel dehydrated and tired.

    • Find cleaning and self-care hacks that work for me and my energy profile.

    • Build a routine to go to the store so I can feel more independent.

    • Learn how to ask for help in class so I can get my learning needs met and feel understood.

    • Practice being kinder to myself when I make mistakes or try something new so I can build resilience and try again.

• OBSTACLES

  • What is blocking you from meeting an objective?

  • I hear often people say it’s a “lack of motivation” and sometimes it may be the case. Other times, it could be:

  • sensory overwhelm, not seeing small steps to meet a larger goal, inefficient use of space, difficulty with transitions, not understanding why something is important to do, or a general lack of practice because the neurodivergent brain needs lots of practice to learn some things neurotypical people do more easily.

  • Medical or other professional consults: Sometimes we may have underlying medical conditions that contribute to fatigue, allergies, learning differences, or other conditions that make it more difficult to process information, stimulation, or complete tasks. It’s important to find neurodiversity-affirming and competent professionals to share your experiences to see how they can educate and support you.

  • Professionals that may help: Occupational Therapist who are competent in supporting interoception, not just fine motor skills, Doctors who specialize in sleep, chronic pain or fatigue, inflammation, trauma-informed yoga, psychologists who specialize in learning differences and assessments.

  • Systemic barriers, poverty, safety to change, abuse, and traumas can be huge barriers to change. If these are part of your story, therapy can help. Finding advocates, foundations, and support groups can help. Even starting with lurking in online groups related to what you’ve experienced may also help. Find ones with admins who protect and empower members, with rules for safety and engagement.

    • Psychology grad programs and colleges with counseling centers may have spots for low-cost or probono therapy services. You can also call 211 for behavioral health resources and 988 for mental health crises. Domestic Violence shelters also have trainings for learning about the abuse cycle, offer advocacy, and PEP programs (personal empowerment program).

    • With police reports, you can get financial support as a victim of crime, including abuse. https://victimsofcrime.org/

• MESSAGES WITH CHANGE

  • What are you telling yourself about change?

  • Are there influential people (in)directly shaping your abilities to change?

    • Use your fandoms to inspire change processes!

    • Which characters or story arcs resonated with you? Why?

    • Describe their process of transformation and see how it could be related to your journey, too!

  • Do you think change is possible?

  • Is there evidence to support your ability to change? Even small things?

  • What was your relationship with this specific change 10 years ago? 5 years ago?

    • How did you see this change back then?

    • What types of support or strengths do you have now?

  • How do people in your past see you versus how people you’ve recently met see you? What are the overlaps and differences?

Reframe: You are one with nature and just like nature, have a natural flow and cycles of change. We are not expected to bloom year round. We are not expected to bear fruit all the time. We grow, we take in nutrition, sunshine, and water. We are appreciated simply because we brilliantly exist. Different flowers are lovely and do not compete with one another. Some take longer to blossom and have large buds. Some have small, consistent flowering. Some do not flower at all, and are as needed in this world as any other plant.

Different paths and tools to reach similar goals. There are many ways to reach goals, AND to rest in this lifetime.

• SMALLER STEPS or DIFFERENT STEPS

  • Sometimes when we’re ready to make big changes, we get too eager and take big leaps when taking smaller steps could make lasting change.

  • If and when you’re ready to leap, do it! If not, slow and steady is an option, too.

  • The smaller steps for us usually comes in the form of creative problem solving and learning what our executive function skills profiles are. Learning about how your brain and body manage energy, planning, emotional overwhelm, stress, and processing stimulation will help empower you to be efficient in your own way, AND unlearn harmful neurotypical expectations that do not work for us.

  • Different steps for us could be binging it through OR chunking you energy to focus on a specific task. It could also mean trying small steps over time because we need to rest more often.

Using the Right Tools or Being Creative

• Referencing the image with mountains, there are many ways to reach the top. Some people have fancy hiking gear, access to a helicopter. Others don’t even know how to climb yet. There’s a range of skills and tools we must learn to use across the lifespan.

• If we have mentorship and practice, it makes it safer to go on our own journeys. Climbing a mountain on your own isn’t the safest thing to do.

• We can be creative by thinking about heroes and how they’ve achieved goals. Use their knowledge, ask for guidance, and learn how to use important tools . You can do this through myth and stories, or seek out mentorship from real life heroes.

• Follow in the footsteps of others until you are ready to go on your own. To be affirmative and compassionate to yourself, it can help to find stories of people with similar lived experiences. How did they overcome and thrive?

The Pendulum of Change — moving from extremes of black and white to fluidity and flow in grayness

• PENDULUM OF CHANGE — moving from Black and White to Grayness and Fluidity

  Change involves moving from one reference point to another. In the beginning, it can be extreme, opposing ways of being that appears chaotic. This is a pattern that happens often when we are learning how to move from something that didn’t work to another preference. This is one cycle or attempt with change. When you pause to reflect, you can identify what worked in the new path, and what you’d like to keep in your older path. When you’re ready, you can try another change cycle where you “swing on the pendulum.” Each time you intentionally swing, you learn more about adapting, how long you can maintain the change, what works, and what doesn’t.

  • Where are you in this process of swinging and integrating grayness? Is your world starting off in black and white?

  • As stated earlier, it’s important to rest in between cycles. People on the outside (or you) may be impatient with changing “faster.” Remember, this is your life, and if you want to try another cycle of change, it is up to you. Considering the opinions of others is important, and it’s important to honor what YOU feel is right.

• YOUR STRENGTHS

  • What are you really good at?

    When you’re different, there are implicit and explicit messages you receive that different = wrong. People baby you, people can say you’re not “living up to your potential” or that you’re a burden. These messages hurt, and they’re really difficult to unlearn. A way to start unlearning these harmful messages is to remind yourself what you’re good at.

    • StrengthsFinder Alternative Test https://high5test.com/strengthsfinder-free/

    • VIA Character Strengths https://www.viacharacter.org/

    • Enneagram Typology System https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

    • How have you survived so far? We compensate with our strengths.

    Even if it feels like you don’t always know what you’re doing, you made it this far. What and who helped you make it to this point?

    • What skills are you using to compensate for not knowing certain things? <<<This is being creative, flexible, and adaptive.

• LEVEL UP SKILLS

  • Do you know which skills you need to complete this task?

    • Many times the gap from idea to action is closed when someone shows us how to do something step by step. Even if it’s something “easy” like washing clothes and putting away laundry, if we are shown enough times, our brains can map out systems that work for us.

    • If we are scaffolded steps to try tasks, this can help very much. Again, the “easy” things neurotypical people can do are not always easy for us. When your neural wiring is interconnected, it leads to overwhelm quickly, and jumbled information processing that can confuse us during simple tasks.

    • Transitions to different tasks can be draining. Why? Our brains and bodies take in more heightened stimulation which means it can activate more of our neural networks and their correlated bodily responses. Take note of your responses to transitions, and how to advocate for your needs.

  • How can you find out?

    • Online neurodivergent groups are hubs for fellow divergent thinkers to share inquiry, struggles, and successes to navigate the neurotypical world. It helps, even if only to lurk. Hacks are shared, group compassion is cultivated.

    • These groups are important because sometimes “you don’t know what you don’t know.” These groups would have benefitted younger me in terms of hygiene, dating, and finding work. I had no idea these parts of life were not mapped out because I didn’t think about them.

    • A lot of the struggles I experienced felt normal to me, so they were not questioned. Only when reading posts or hearing conversations that chronic fatigue, sensory overwhelm, or misunderstanding social cues, and situational mutism were “a thing” pieces started clicking together.

    • Facebook Group: Neurodivergent Cleaning Crew

  • Maybe it’s a goal you don’t have to do, but were told to do… People pleasing could be a way for us to survive for a while. As you create and find safety to do things for yourself, what are the goals YOU want to pursue?

  • “Good enough” is a great lens for doing a lot of things in life. We were not born to be perfect beings. None of us are perfect, so why give ourselves impossible standards that sabotage how we feel about ourselves?

The Paradox of Change

• CHALLENGE Internalized Ableism or the Greater Culture’s Expectations of Worth and Success

  • You are NOT the tasks you complete. This culture focuses on productivity as a measure for respecting someone. It creates a workaholic, toxic culture that drives people to work until they can no longer enjoy their lives. You are worthy just because you exist.

  • NONLINEAR approaches matter. (see neurodiveregnt learning)

  • SENSORY needs matter — it can be the difference between being understood and being forced to mask.

  • Healing trauma matters

  • GOOD ENOUGH will save you from torment and unnecessary heartache. Sometimes we have to leave it as it is or do what we can. And that’s important.

  • Leave a pile for chaos. We all have that chair, corner, or pile. We are human.

  • Self compassion, not perfection — we’ve made ourselves small for a long time, or been seen as a “problem” and believed it. Self compassion will lead to healthy changes.

  • You are not a problem. Society is broken.

  • We most likely experience invisible conditions that people minimize or don’t understand. As more content creators with lived experience share their stories, I hope it helps you feel seen and validated in your truths. I hope it helps you honor your needs and voice.

The PARADOX OF CHANGE: When you feel accepted, you thrive. Cultivate that self compassion. Find your communities. Dismantle the toxic and harmful messages that there is only one way of being a worthy human being. There are countless ways of being worthy. YOU are worthy as you are, all parts.

Our divergent brains have lots of buckets for data, memories, and ideas. The buckets are inefficiently being filled every time we learn or do something. This leads to creative exploration & novelty, but also, longer times/repeated practice to do or learn some things.

• Neurodivergent Learning

  • Filling up different thematic cups and data points to learn in a beautifully scattered way

  • It can appear slow, inefficient, or random with how we connect information.

  • Another way to see our way of thinking is novel, creative, and curious.

  • We may need extra practice and different explanations for WHY something needs to be done.

  • We may need patience to try in many different ways to put it all together.

• You want to change your habits?

  • OKAY, what ARE your habits?

  • When do you slip up?

  • Are you on autopilot? (OR are you resting in between intense stages of your change process?)

• OR is your system fine, and it’s people treating you like sh*t?

  • Being misunderstood can make us think we’re doing something wrong

• So, before changing a system, see if it’s actually shame or guilt from the outside

  • Neurodiversity affirmative therapy, coaching, mentorship, and healthy relationships can help with undoing shame

You are a person constantly becoming who you’ve always been.

SHIFT PERSPECTIVE: You are your present self, honoring past values, needs, and wants. You are accruing experience and leveling up certain skills to change authentically. Less masking. More you. You are experimenting possibility, analyzing data and resting as needed. And when the time is right:

DO IT AGAIN.

• It might have been the wrong time for the right system. Maybe this time you are better equipped to try this system.

• You learned some things the first times around.

  • What wisdoms and strength do you want to take with you on this next cycle?

  • What do you want to leave in the past, with gratitude?

  • Saboteurs and self sabotage: Change is uncomfortable, even good change. We or people around us, may sabotage growth. Please look out for and protect yourself from sabotage. (Shadow work & archetypal work, a beautifully separate topic in itself)

    • Identify Saboteurs and Energy Vampires, real people and situations that attempt to keep you down.

    • Find ways to avoid them as you begin your cycles of change. Safety to experiment, explore identity, and gather data is of utmost importance.

      As you venture on more adventures as your own hero, remember to rest. Just like nature and the plants around us, there will be seasons for dormancy, change, and blooming.

Recommendations:

• Wired to Create - Scott Barry Kaufman

• The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills - Sonny Jane Wise

• Unmasking Autism - Devon Price

• We’re Not Broken: Changing the Autism Conversation - Eric Garcia

• Super Better: The Power of Living Gamefully - Jane McGonigal

Resources:

• Neurodivergent Therapists Directory

• Autistic Self Advocacy Network

• ADDitude Magazine

Knowing Yourself: Empowerment Through Self Knowledge

When I work with youth, adults or families, my primary coaching interventions relate to helping someone explore and find strengths in who they are. Sometimes the original goals revolve around wanting to navigate this world successfully because “something is off.”

When something is off, it tends to permeate all parts of a person’s life and story. Belonging to a misunderstood community(ies) can affect many or all parts of someone’s life. Whether it’s academics, social, emotional, work, relationship, physical wellness, or being stuck and not moving forward, our sense of self can affect all parts because these parts reflect who we are.

For those of us with marginalized and misunderstood parts and stories, we’ve been told to hide and deny ourselves authenticity to become chameleons to survive in a world that belongs to other people.

When we mask and hide ourselves, we are playing a perpetual game we cannot win. And that’s the truth for so many people. Whether “officially” diagnosed or self-diagnosed (or somehow we just know life is different for us) we see a bigger picture of how hard life is—simply because the systems in place deny us agency and chances to be who we’ve always been.

Who are “we”? We belong to twice exceptional, gifted, 2e gifted, neurodivergent, sensitive, creative, geeky, and disabled communities

Collectively, there are a lot of us. Historically and representation-wise, we have layers of being silenced, mocked, dismissed, and seen in parts. Our everyday struggles are erased when we have gifts, and our agency is dismissed when we are struggling. When attempting to speak up, it could be met with minimization, challenges, or toxic positivity. We seem to live in this perpetual space of not “disabled enough” to be believed, “too smart” to need help, and/or “needing too much support” where self-agency is denied.

Someone/Society: “I saw you successful once, or someone from your community successful once, so you shouldn’t have excuses for struggling. I saw someone else do it, you can too!” “Accommodations will just make you weak.”

Someone/Society: If you have so many (support) needs, you can’t be trusted to be independent in any area of life. Let us able-bodied and privileged people without an understanding of your whole person dictate how you should live your life!

The continual dismissals of our lived experiences could equate to being gaslit where we are uncertain of what reality actually is. It can be “crazy-making.”

It’s a potential space for feeling disempowered and voiceless. It can be a common reason why so many of us wear masks every day. We may become perceived as “defensive” and reactive when attempting to explain our inner experiences, and they could be met (again) with mockery and disbelief. It’s really difficult to explain what’s going on inside when you’ve had a lifetime of people saying you’re making it up.

Instead of trying to convince people our lives have hardships that others may not experience, we become silent and small. We’re not sure who to trust. We mask. We use all our reserves to survive in a world that asks the vulnerable and misunderstood to adapt. So we crash when we get home. We have meltdowns in our personal lives, or we freeze and limit interactions in spaces that are not safe for our whole, authentic selves to show up. And slowly, or very quickly, we become parts of who we used to be. We allow(ed) society and others to tell us what our worth is through external approval. Or it’s just easier to do it this way, and that comes at such a heavy cost of losing oneself.

Something isn’t right. Society shouldn’t be this way. People like me shouldn’t be treated like this. I’m seeing more people speak up about their experiences. I see very slow changes happening. I remember a part of myself that felt joy and authenticity. I want more of a connection with who I am. I want to figure out how to be ME (again), with compassion and curiosity.

Change Cycles - Awakening

After a while, or in cycles, you realize that something needs to change. The beautiful, confusing, frustrating, and liberating process of change can come in bits and pieces, or it can come together all at once.

We are in a constant process of becoming who we were before society told us to be someone we’re not.

And that’s the struggle and fight for your life. As you venture into initial cycles of awakening and change, it’s important to remember that you will repeat facing different monsters and battles. Lasting change involves going into battle, trying new tools and skills, coming back to rest, and reflecting on experiences. REST is essential.

Each time you go out to fight, gather information or explore, you are mapping out a new possibility of your world and who you are. Each time you try this possible identity and life, you are fighting the urge to go back to old habits, ways of thinking, and self-sabotage. This is the time to offer patience, grace, and compassion as we all have hiccups.

The natural process of change ebbs and flows with so many variables. We do not change and maintain change overnight. Even the best of us default to old ways when under extreme stress or uncontrollable situations. When this happens, because it will, it’s time to offer yourself additional kindness for being a human being with a past. Your default ways of coping served you well in times you needed to survive. Now that you are in a process of change, give yourself permission to see more of who you can be. In addition to a person who survived, you can be a person who is thriving and authentic in many ways.

And, whatever this authentic and thriving version of you looks like is also a process to explore. As you’ve spent a lifetime with this part(s) and version of you, consider this cycle of self-knowing where you are starting off as a baby, vulnerable and inexperienced in certain ways. This baby is depending on you for safety, knowledge, soothing, and nourishment. This is an opportunity to offer things you’ve needed from others by listening to yourself. Nurture your basic needs when others didn’t. Figure out what they are by taking these essential baby steps to listen to your body.

Protect this vulnerable part of you and give yourself time to grow and experiment safely.

This means identifying supportive and safe people to be vulnerable with. As someone who may be accustomed to being dismissed and misunderstood, you are now challenging this as truth. This is no longer the only truth in your life. You are empowering yourself by choosing with discretion who is allowed your energy, time, and access to your person.

Things about Change:

• Sometimes it involves learning new things, unlearning things we no longer need.

• Sometimes it involves applying new information to build new habits and ways of thinking.

• Sometimes it involves challenging what you believe is true or how others saw you.

• Sometimes it involves grief for your past self or things you lost.

• Sometimes you change and grow really quickly. Sometimes it’s a snail’s pace.

• Sometimes you will do nothing and that is a win towards maintaining change.

• The entire time, it involves learning how to love yourself no matter what happens.

Rediscovering, (Re)Learning

So now you’re at this place where you know something needs to change.

But, where do you start?

When we lose ourselves from masking or hiding parts because the outside world isn’t safe to be authentic, we can forget who we are. We may get stuck in playing roles for other people.

We’ve probably all changed our mannerisms and personas in different environments. We don’t act like we do around certain family members and teachers or supervisors. Context matters. There’s also the added layer of never or rarely having safety to take these masks off until you’re alone. When you can finally take the masks off…

UNMASKING: IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.

So, let’s break it down to the most simple components of identity and exploration.

• What brings you joy?

  • If you don’t know, what do you want to try?

• How do you play?

  • What are your perceptions of play across the lifespan?

• Do you have internalized negative messages about being a certain way?

  • If yes, forgive yourself for believing harmful things to survive in unsafe places.

  • What if other people were wrong about you?

  • What if they didn’t give a fair chance of seeing the world through your eyes?

• What are some objects or activities that bring you comfort?

  • When you are ready, do more of these things around safe people to unmask.

• Who are your favorite characters? Heroes, archetypes?

  • What do you admire most about them?

  • What are your favorite or most memorable stories about these characters?

• What are your fandoms or special interests?

  • If you don’t know, what are you curious about?

• What did you do before someone or society shamed you for doing it?

• What are some cultural components of your life experiences that are not always understood?

Take your time going through these areas of exploration.

• What are some of your hopes and wishes?

• Who was that one person who offered kindness when you need it the most?

• Where can you safely (re)discover the things that brought you joy as a kid?

• Name some safe people and communities to explore who you are.

• What do you believe about resting “too much” in this society?

  • We all need rest. This culture glorifies working yourself to death. It is inhuman to work without rest. We are allowed to enjoy ourselves while we are alive.

• What did society tell you about being worthy only when you’re “productive” or make X amount of money?

  • The Social Model of Disability can help support transformation by seeing things systemically and affirmatively.

• What things do you need help with at home?

  • What’s the ideal chore schedule, or lack of chore schedule for YOU?

• What does your sensory profile look like?

  • What fills your sensory cups and what drains them, and when does it change?

• Do you explain the way you process information and communicate to others?

  • When you learn about this part of you, it will help others better understand how to communicate with you, too.

Why are these things important?

We’ve spent a lifetime believing there was something wrong with how we processed information and experienced the world. We’ve spent a lifetime becoming smaller and silent where we are not always sure of who we are. Neurodivergent and disabled people are more likely to be abused and develop codependent traits where they seek approval and chase validation in relationships. This is mistaken as love and can be perpetual. Wanting love from someone who misunderstands you or denies your experiences can shape a person where they are unsure of how they feel or even what their identity is.

These questions and bullet points can help start a process of reclaiming who you are. It’s like building a house. Your interests and relationship with yourself are the foundation. How does your brain work? What’s the most effective way you communicate? Learning how to play again, and experience joy without shame can help build a strong home for you to thrive in.

When we chase others for validation, we are asking them to tell us when we are worthy. When we can firmly identify our interests and how our brains and bodies engage with this world, we are taking up space and seeing our worth just as we exist. We can learn that love is not conditional. We can learn that all our parts are worthy as they are.

Differentiation of Self

When you know yourself, what other people say will no longer make you feel small. It can still hurt, and you can set boundaries and state expectations. Their stuff doesn’t change your value as a person.

When we change, we do not change in a vacuum. One of the tests of change is to see (safely) if you can maintain a sense of self around other people. Each individual and group dynamic will change.

*Note: Some people are not safe and you do not need to prove anything to them. Please consider talking to a therapist or coach about which people are safe to be authentic around.

Some considerations:

Change in systems (relationships and groups of people) involves collective shifts in energy, perceptions, and roles. Since certain roles and expectations, and how people were treated existed for X amount of time, it takes time for systems of people to see the change as well as adjust.

Differentiation of Self:

In Bowen Family Systems, being able to maintain a sense of who you are without succumbing to the pressures, past pain, expectations, or anxiety of a system requires “going back into the system” or going back home (when safe). In general, the expectations of others will not affect you, even in close proximity. When there is stress to change, you are able to manage the stress more consistently. It doesn’t mean you are completely at peace or calm around influential people. It means you’ve developed stronger ways to cope and come back to yourself. Other people no longer control your sense of self and inner peace.

Cut-offs or Extreme independence:

When our original systems model chaos and unsafe places to work through discomfort and conflict, we may inherit or develop extreme independence or cut-offs from people. This can help alleviate anxiety and pain, but these patterns may persist into other relationships in life where you do not want to have cut-offs. It can be a default relationship pattern that needs to be acknowledged and slowly worked on.

Some people are safe to be around. Some people DO want to work through conflict with you where cut-offs are not necessary.

Dependence or Fusion:

Another extreme relationship pattern can be where one person is OVERLY attuned to someone else. Your problems become their problems. They want to know everything about your life and get upset when you’re not doing it how THEY think you should. It can become controlling and highly volatile where you feel like you have no space to breathe,—you are always being watched and judged.

Your identity gets misperceived as a part of theirs. They can be seeing your life experiences from the outside, so they think they know how to solve your problems because they are so invested. An added problem here is they do not know what is going on inside of you, and the battle you have weighing the pressure of other people and your inner wants and authenticity.

Interdependence:

We are social beings. The most influential people and systems in our lives create default relational patterns we have to identify and examine across the lifespan. Just because you spent a part of your life having one relational pattern with certain people doesn’t mean it has to stay this way. As we age, our roles change. As we grow, others can grow with us. If you want to change a relationship dynamic, it can move from one extreme to a unique balance of interdependence.

If you cut off certain people and want to grow closer (on your own terms), go for it. This takes time, practice, and adjustment for everyone involved. You get to define and express how close or distant you want to be with others.

It can be a fluid practice where people can experiment and see what works and doesn’t, or needs more practice to get used to. When it’s seen as an experiment, there is less pressure to get it right the first few times.

Homeostasis & Self-sabotage:

There is a power of systems to go back to default ways. When you go back home for the holidays, ever feel a shift in how you are away from home? That’s the power of systems. Scents remind us of old memories. Visual cues take us back to how we used to be. Even people can spark certain neural pathways and muscle memory of how things used to be. And that’s normal. And that’s okay. It happens.

There will be times when you lose yourself in the original systems you come from. There will be times when you default to old ways because it’s easier to mask or show a part of yourself against a system that powerfully wants to tell you to go back. When this happens, self-compassion. When this happens, acknowledgment and acceptance that you’re doing the work, AND it’s a slow process of moving forward, resting, backward, resting. It’s an organized mess. lol

Your change process is unknown, yet it can be fluid, with moments of rest. The same goes for athletes and working out. When you exercise, there must be rest days. There is emotional and physical tearing that’s happening. Give yourself time to rest and recover. It builds resiliency to come back for more work. IF there is self-sabotage, know that this also happens and is common. We do not run sprints constantly. Even if we run marathons, it takes months or years to build the stamina to do so. There’s no rush to get all the change in one go. We are undoing a lifetime of things. We build slowly and sprint when it feels right.

Self Advocacy & Empowerment

When systems and archetypal work create a foundation for self-understanding, there is this concurrent nudge for self-advocacy and personal empowerment.

When you know more of who you are, and can maintain this sense of self around influential people and spaces, you also develop a stronger voice. As sensitive, misunderstood people, we might have grown up feeling silenced, ignored, or having to scream for our validation/needs.

Self-advocacy and empowerment are a little different where you stand firmly in your truths and can communicate expectations and needs without feeling small. Defensiveness dissipates.

And sometimes when you’re speaking your truth, other sensitive, neurodivergent, or creative people may be watching. They’re taking mental notes of your authenticity and voice. It permeates their being and they start exploring who they are, too.

Safety in Community, Uplifting Others

A ripple effect can happen where your authenticity catalyzes authentic expression in others.

“Someone like me feels safe to be themselves, and they’re figuring it out in vulnerable ways. They’re falling apart at times, but also coming back with strength and more of who they are! They are taking up space!”

So an invisible army forms because we mirror one another. We see the truth in each other’s stories and honor the beauty of divergence. Because we decided to take leaps of faith to step into our power and take up space, others will, too. When we continue to take up space authentically, society will adjust. The misperceptions of difference will change.

Does this mean society changes now? No, but with enough of us, it will.

Reading Recommendations:

• The Hero’s Journey of Neurodivergence Self-Acceptance - Katy Higgens Lee

• Jean Shinoda Bolen (archetypes)

• Caroline Myss (archetypes)

• Unmasking Autism - Devon Price, PhD

• Super Better - Jane McGonigal, PhD

• We are Not Broken - Eric Garcia

• The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills - Sonny Jane Wise

• Interoception Awesomeness - Kelly Mahler, Occupational Therapist
  
  
  
  

ADHD & Neurodivergence During Homework Wars - You're NOT Lazy, Disobedient, or Slow

Common Phrases an ADHDer & Others May Hear:

“You’re Not Even Trying.”

“Why are you repeating the question? I just said it.”

“Stop doing that (stim or focus activity) and look at your homework.”

“We’ve done this a million times. Why don’t you get it yet?”

This is a common scenario that can be uttered during the homework battles of being a neurodivergent learner. If you’re an adult, you may remember hearing similar statements or having the feelings of frustration fill the room and overwhelm your body. What happens when this exchange and series of messages accumulate over time?

You may internalize certain labels or themes that resonate with being lazy, less than, and uncertain.

When important people tell us again and again that something is wrong with us, we may start to believe it.

It can feel overwhelming and difficult to try again, ask for help, or even want to explain how you think or interpret a homework question. “This person already made judgments against me, why should I even try?” For a young and sensitive person seeking authentic experiences and connections, having this realization can be an obstacle to learning. There is a potential power differential in the room, too. Adults, teachers, and other professionals have a weighted responsibility to see how their implicit and explicit behaviors affect the development of a learner.

This can lead to a cycle that repeats and further reinforces certain traits as a self-concept. Some of these traits neurodivergent learners may internalize could be: “I’m lazy, unteachable, slow, annoying, and unworthy of attention unless I’m perfect.”

So, what do we do?

The Actual Problem(s)

For a neurodivergent learner, there is an atypical pattern of consuming information and experiences in a NONLINEAR way. Being neurodivergent many times comes with learning differences and “inefficient” ways of taking in information.

Is this wrong? Heck no. It’s a different pattern of gathering information, processing it, and making connections to learn. The confusing and frustrating part is that our world and education system are set up for LINEAR everything.

While neurodivergent people are attempting to learn and rest certain parts of their brain and body by going to different types of stimulation sources, the neurotypical world is trying to redirect them again and again to “FOCUS” on the task at hand.

Well, the neurodivergent brain is TRYING to. It’s like when you exercise and certain body parts are tired. It’s time to let those muscles rest and focus on another muscle group or stop exercising. That’s it. That’s the difference.

The neurodivergent brain needs more rest to make more connections because the information is touching many parts of the brain at the same time. It can be exhausting, AND show no “outcomes” because the information is still filling up different “buckets” of themes in the brain. This is where executive functions coaching is important, and learning how to better understand one’s learning processes can help. We neurodivergent people may have to learn and practice exponentially more than neurotypical people.

Certain concepts and life skills must be taught step by step with reasons of importance.

Ross Greene writes on identifying problems and obstacles to growth and success in The Explosive Child. It’s an amazing read and highly recommended.

• Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems

  Instead of thinking our ADHDers (and others) are attention-seeking, defiant, or lazy, we can learn to reframe this situation as a space where certain skills or obstacles are stopping the learning process. This requires having perspective and compassion outside of oneself. Not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone can easily do the same things you can. AND it can be frustrating to see a loved one struggle because you want them to succeed and grow so much. A question to ask is:

  “What are obstacles stopping this learner from learning or doing what was asked?”

  Possible lagging skills to look out for:

• Difficulty with Transition from one task to another

• Difficulty maintaining focus (identify which tasks)

• Difficulty problem solving during (specific subject, assignment, task)

• Difficulty communicating needs (identify which needs)

• Difficulty managing emotions shuts down when (activity), identify which emotions

• Difficulty applying information unless paired with real-world reasons (aka the WHY?)

  Unsolved Problems:

• Poor fine motor control or pain when writing

• Cannot hear or process information with noises in the background

• Don’t know how to communicate misunderstandings (with certain people, multiple-step directions, vocabulary of certain topics unknown, etc.)

• Cannot self regulate during (task or specific time)

• Difficulty transitioning to homework after school on Mondays

Externalize the Problems

When we are able to take a step back and observe situations individually, there is an ability to separate a person from the problems. This is HUGE. It helps reduce shame and feeling defensive. Work towards change can begin when talking about problems instead of people.

Gathering Information

Before solutions can be identified and tried, it’s important to take some time to gather enough information to see when our learners are having difficulties. When we observe without judgment, information can be objectively identified to highlight things we might have overlooked when we are overwhelmed about fixing everything.

Asking Yourself: Is the problem I see the actual problem?

After practicing observing without judgement, and identifying lagging skills and unsolved problems neurodivergent people in our lives have, a wider perspective can be developed. I found it common to see the pain parents and others experienced when their neurodivergent loved ones struggled. It makes sense. We want our loved ones to succeed, and we want them to meet their potential. When someone struggles with something you can easily do, or have tried so hard to support, it can feel demoralizing. Feeling pain when someone else struggles means you have compassion. That is a wonderful human trait.

Again, as the practice of looking for lagging skills and unsolved problems becomes a more common lens of the world, there is also a realization that each person has a different set of skills, gifts, personalities, and goals for this life. We can be honest about the expectations we have for each person in our lives as well as respect how someone may pursue their life path. A stronger bond of understanding and compassionate support can be developed. That can be liberating for everyone involved.

Further topics related to lagging skills and unsolved problems include: coregulation and executive function skills. I plan to write more on these subjects later. Please check back!

Executive Function Skills - Helping a scattered thinker through cycles of practice

Executive function skills - external thinking & practice

Therapeutic Metaphors in the Hit Anime Demon Slayer (Guest Post by Dr. Gian Ramos)

About Dr. Gian Ramos

Being INFP with ADHD I spent a lot of my younger years on introspection. In a world that seemed entirely overwhelming, laying in bed looking up at the ceiling, and pondering the meaning of life was one of the ways I learned to cope with it all. As a kid, I loved reading books, but my ADHD made it so that I was only able to engage in books when I was at my optimum mindset. More often than not, anime and manga served as the backdrop for my musings, it's captivating visuals kept my wayward mind focused long enough for me to immerse myself in the complex themes and the writing that often centers sensitivity as a strength. Anime gave me the tools to work on my mental health at a time when both my home and school environment were unable to lift me up.

Today, I try my best to take all the life lessons that I learned in my own childhood and put them to good use in my work as a medical doctor. As a medical student, I made it a point to work often in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Unit as Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is the field that I intend to specialize in. Throughout my years of study I've noticed that, like myself, a large fraction of patients I've had in this setting are anime fans and often relate to anime characters emotionally. Often, parents come to me with concerns over their children's viewing habits. "She's watching this new show called Demon Slayer, and I'm scared that it may be too violent for her." To be clear, I completely understand that Demon Slayer is a series intended for young adults. The series begins with the grisly murder of the main character's family and blood and gore are an essential part of the series' storytelling as demons can only be killed through decapitation. However, whenever I am approached about how one should address this situation I cannot help but think of my 10-year-old self, watching Inuyasha (an equally if not more graphic show) late at night, wishing my parents would one day ask me about the media that fascinated me back then. I am an advocate for showing interest in the media that sparks joy in your children and asking questions while not shying away from difficult topics.

In the interest of framing the value that anime can have in a therapeutic setting, I want to discuss the various potential subjects in which one could leverage a kid's love of the currently incredibly popular series Demon Slayer to help improve your relationship with them and also set the stage for vital metaphor-driven discussions around mental health, trauma, and growth.

• Demon Slayer features a surprisingly sensitive male protagonist

  • The main plot in Demon Slayer revolves around the main character Tanjiro.  A boy with a surprisingly strong sense of smell and a strong sense of responsibility.  He dutifully cared for his family and was a valued member in his community until one day he returned to find that his family was murdered by demons.  The only one left alive was his sister who had been cursed to become a demon.  The way demons function in Demon Slayer is very similar to the way vampires work in western myth.  Demons have a natural thirst for humans that is very hard to fight against.  In the first few minutes of the show a Demon Slayer berates the main character for being "too sensitive" when confronted with the idea that because his sister has turned into a demon he should find the resolve to end her misery by taking her life.  But our main character finds the inner strength to commit himself to the task of finding a way to cure his sister's curse, despite the expectations of the status quo that demand he discard his brotherly love in favor of disposing of his clearly affected sister.
    
    Many of the kids I have worked with have related to Tanjiro's story.  One, for example, told me: "I have a brother that is autistic. I have friends that judge me when I prioritize my brother's needs because I love him."  Finding stories of characters with the same sensitivity and fraternal love can be incredibly validating in a world where boys are encouraged to bury their emotions and emulate toxic masculinity.  Tanjiro's kindness and sensitivity is a theme throughout the series.  He often attracts others through kindness.

• Becoming a Demon Slayer: Mindfulness and Executive Function Skills

  • For any series that centers on a class of warriors or wizards, it is important to read what value these disciplines hold for our own daily lives.  A kid who loves Star Wars most likely would like to be a Jedi, there is plenty of work being done in utilizing Jedi metaphors to teach children about mindfulness.  Similarly, a child who watches Naruto most likely dreams of becoming a ninja.  The Demon Slayers are a group of people who fight demons, which alone holds a strong metaphoric value given that we often define our struggles as demons ("I'm fighting my demons").  But there are aspects of Tanjiro's Discipline that can be leveraged to teach someone how to develop mental health skills:
    

• Total Concentration and Mindfulness

  • Tanjiro harnesses the power of Total Concentration when he fights demons.  In short Total Concentration is a technique that relies on regulating your breathing in moments of strife in order to center yourself.  It communicates an essential skill for any swordsman who fights their own demons.  In order to perform at your best capacity, you must prepare your mind and body and remain calm.  Tanjiro uses his breathing not only to center himself but also to imbue his strikes with decisiveness.  This is a basic concept in both yoga and martial arts, proper breathing helps regulate heart rate and relaxes our muscles.  It is one of the most ancient and simple ways in which one can exercise mind over matter in moments of tension. Talking about breathing using Tanjiro's Total Concentration technique as a framework is an excellent way to teach kids mindfulness in a context that is fun and empowering.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Following the Thread to a Clean Strike

  • Demon Slayer is a visual spectacle.  When Tanjiro achieves a state of flow in a battle where his mind is centered and his strikes are true his blades flow like water.  The series represents this state of flow by allowing us to see how Tanjiro visualizes his water style.  Every strike leaves streams of water in its wake in a grand Ukiyo-e style. During the first arc in the series, Tanjiro's teacher tells him that he cannot apply to the test of becoming a Demon Slayer until Tanjiro proves his worth by cutting a large boulder with his sword.  Tanjiro spends months trying to achieve this to no success.  It is after a long time that Tanjiro learns to visualize a thread that extends from his sword to the target he intends to strike.  It is interesting to mention that while the series expertly animates all of its fight scenes showing how the thread that Tanjiro visualizes connects his strike, the series makes it very clear that the very same spectacle is a result of Tanjiro's skillful use of visualization.
    
    As someone who is neurodiverse, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be able to properly institute goals and visualize the path to achieving them.  In more simple terms we can talk about the art of breaking in martial arts.  We've probably all witnessed the way a martial art expert can set a pile of bricks in front of them and break them to show the mastery of their art.  What we often don't know is that this test does not only measure strength, but also conviction and visualization skills.  An initiate to the martial arts is only able to measure their strikes to their targets, when they punch they do not visualize their fists going through the target for maximum impact.  When you practice the art of breaking you are visualizing your strike going through the breakable object.  You are also accepting the pain that comes with meeting such a hard object but you have the confidence that you will come out successful on the other side.
    
    When I was diagnosed with ADHD one of the most useful skills I added to my toolbelt was the skill of visualizing my goals and the path to accomplishing them, I also learned not to visualize the bare minimum (lest my strikes fail me) but to visualize a strike that falls a bit further than my goal to make sure I at least land a decent strike.  In therapeutic work, this often means putting various measures and methods to arrive at the same goal to ensure success.  It is vital that one be able to visualize the thread that will make sure your blade will strike true.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Tanjiro and his Senses

  • Tanjiro is intensely aware of his strengths and knows when to use them and when to rely on his support system.  Demon slayers tend to have a hyper-developed sense that they can rely on.  For Tanjiro it is his sense of smell, for his friend Zenitsu is his sense of hearing.  Tanjiro knows to use his sense of smell as a strength when fighting and when tracking demons.  More importantly, he knows to rely on his support system when he is overwhelmed.  When Tanjiro engages in battle there are various situations where demons use his heightened sense of smell against him.  They will often flush the battlefield with demonic energy that has a distinctively bad smell.  Tanjiro usually takes stock of the resources he has around him.  When he is alone he focuses on his Total concentration and reads the battlefield sometimes tactically retreating to gather information and strategize. 

  • When he is with his friends he communicates his needs and lets them know that he is overwhelmed and requires help from his friends.  He'll often say things like: "I am overwhelmed by the smells, I'm going to need to rely on you hearing to get me through this fight."  Having a character who is aware of his strengths and weaknesses and is able to communicate them to his benefit is character representation that is always needed in my book. 

    Too often highly sensitive individuals feel that communicating their needs will push others away and label them as nuisances.  However, a character like Tanjiro is a hero that is unashamed of their sensitivities and by communicating his needs manages to be a valuable asset to any team. 

These are a few examples I've thought of at the top of my head, but if there's anything I've learned from being in the Geek Therapy community is that in every narrative there are a wealth of metaphors that we can use in therapeutic practice.  The hard work of looking inward and developing executive function skills can seem daunting, especially when we are working with children.  However, stories like the ones Demon Slayer provides are great ways to reframe a conversation to one of empowerment and self-discovery.  After all, who doesn't want to be a Jedi, a ninja, or a demon slayer?  Even in adulthood, when our inner child is gasping for release, these metaphors are incredibly useful for keeping our self-care work motivating and rewarding.  Through Tanjiro we can learn to be sensitive, to care for those we love, to set our goals and a path to success, to communicate our needs and take stock of our strengths, to be better versions of ourselves.  If we can co-opt these narratives for our betterment why wouldn't we? If this message resonates with you, imagine what other narratives in the vast ocean that is geek culture lie waiting to be discovered, transformed, and applied to our betterment.

Images are used for educational and informational purposes. 

Attribution: Demon Slayer is written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge and published by Shueisha and Aniplex of America CC by 2.0

Dr. Gian Ramos, Medical Doctor & Chief Medical Advisor for Geek Therapy

Dr. Gian Ramos is a content creator for the Geek Therapy Podcasts Network. To see more of his content please check out the Here Comes a Thought podcast (A Steven Universe Psychology Recap Podcast) and Otaku Ryoho (An Anime and Philosophy/Psychology Podcast). You may also Contact him directly on the Geek Therapy Facebook, Discord, or on Twitter at @Psychogonically